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My neighbor came over to say today. We were sitting on the front porch steps while Ramona and Efram were playing in the front yard. We were just chatting and somehow the conversation got around to the fact that he and his wife had tried for several years to have kids and were not able to get pregnant. He said they thought about adopting but the idea of taking in "someone else's kid" didn't appeal to them, so they decided to make a nice life for themselves as a childless couple.<br><br>
I just kinda looked at him, thinking he'd be like, "OMG, wow, I'm sorry, that didn't come out the way I meant it" or something like that, but he just kinda kept talking and the conversation turned to something else.<br><br>
This man and his wife are very nice to all three of our kids and have been really good neighbors to us. I'm honestly wondering if he it didn't even occur to him at that moment that our kids were adopted. I know I am guilty of referring to my friend's adopted-at-birth kids as her bio kids when discussing the recent arrival of her FIVE Ethiopian kids. I know her kids were adopted. I just didn't really think of it because as long as I've known her, she's had her kids.<br><br>
I don't know whether this is what happened with my neighbor or if he truly didn't realize that this was probably an inappropriate thing to say to an adoptive mom. Or maybe he just figured honesty is the best policy, social niceties be damned?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"><br><br>
dm
 

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I'm guessing he didn't quite think it through and worded things very bad. Maybe he looks at you whole fmaily as a unit and your children don't fit his already formed opinion of what it would be like to have an adopted child. Not sure if that makes sense but I have had people make comments about a number of things and I have had to point out that Olivia is adopted and (gasp) latina and no she did not come out of me. They've always just known her as my daughter and defined her because of it. I would let it pass this once unless he says something else and maybe then you could point out or ask him to clarify.
 

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Sounds like he was just being honest. Sometimes we're too politically correct and worry too much about what others think and honesty really suffers for it. I'd assume if a certain "tone" didn't accompany those words they were just being honest about themselves.
 

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DM--<br><br>
I have 3 internationally adopted kids and over the years, I've had several people say literally the same exact thing to me. Even though it shocks me everytime I hear it, I take the same view as Abarat--they are just being honest, rather than judgemental. Personally, I don't understand how someone can feel that way--after all, they allegedly love their spouse who isn't related by blood. However, if they truly feel they couldn't love a child who is not biologically theirs, than it's best they don't even consider adoption. The way I look at it--different strokes...<br><br>
I adopted my first son when I was a single, 24 year old (He was 4). In the annals of stupid things people say, I went on a date with this really attractive, very bright (PhD in Astrophysics) guy who was training to become an astronaut. On the way to the restaurant, he said something to the effect "I could never love a child that wasn't mine." In my mind I couldn't help but think, "Hmmmm, date over." Let me get a decent dinner out of this jerk and never see him again." Compare that to my husband who told me on one of our first dates that one of the things that attracted me to him, was the fact I had an adopted Filipino son. In his mind, it was proof that I was a warm, loving woman. Needless to say, he was the keeper!<br><br>
p.s. Twenty years later, the astronaut wannabe is married with no kids and neither he nor his wife ever want any.
 

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i dont understand how it is "taking' someone elses children those parents are putting their children up for addoption or are not able to care for them. i was addoptend and am VERy glad i was!!!!!!!
 

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I am not sure I understand what the value of him "being honest" here is?<br><br>
Yeah, if dharmamama was his wife, and she was saying she wanted them to adopt, I get the value of him really expressing his true feelings/fears about raising a child he didn't create with his own DNA. But what good comes out of him "just being honest" with dharmamama here? Why would that be a positive thing? It's not like she was demanding to know why he didn't have kids.<br><br>
What he said could easily be heard by an adoptive mama as "I thought no family was better than a family like yours," or "Your kids aren't really <i>your</i> kids, since you didn't create them," etc.<br><br>
I am a member of a minority group, and I know how discrimination can be insidious, and I know that in some ways I would rather know that someone is thinking discriminatory thoughts about me than have it come out in subtle but destructive ways. But does that mean I want people to say hurtful things to me? No way! I want people to work on their own inner issues. I want people to own those issues, rather than put them on me through a hurtful comment. If he felt compelled to say something to her, maybe he could have said, "You are really teaching me a lot about adoptive parenting." He didn't need to go and say something about her family that could be considered a slam.<br><br>
I am guessing he was...<br><br>
(1) Not choosing his words well. Either he didn't remember they were a family through adoption, or he was thoughtless about how his words could impact this mama,<br><br>
or<br><br>
(2) He was being rude, aka "unsolicited honesty,"<br><br>
(3) He is starting to think differently about adoption, and with absolutely no tact or social grace, was attempting to push around on the new ideas in his head a bit, by conversing with an adoptive mama about them.<br><br>
Regardless, I would find it tempting to approach him the following way about it. "You know, what you were saying the other day about rather not having any kids because you didn't want to raise children who 'weren't your own?' I am glad you didn't adopt, since you feel that way, but I felt hurt that you said this to me because X Y Z. I am just telling you this so you know how those comments impact me, not to make you feel badly."<br><br>
In the end, I'd probably have to either confront him about it like I described, or avoid him for a very long time because every time I'd see him, I'd think of that comment and it would just bother me to no end.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sierra</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7945926"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Regardless, I would find it tempting to approach him the following way about it. "You know, what you were saying the other day about rather not having any kids because you didn't want to raise children who 'weren't your own?' I am glad you didn't adopt, since you feel that way, but I felt hurt that you said this to me because X Y Z. I am just telling you this so you know how those comments impact me, not to make you feel badly."<br><br>
In the end, I'd probably have to either confront him about it like I described, or avoid him for a very long time because every time I'd see him, I'd think of that comment and it would just bother me to no end.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"> I so agree with this. I couldn't even stand to look at him anymore. I would have said, "That's odd that you would say this to *ME* knowing that my children are adopted. Are you saying that I'm a second rate parent?" Even if a friend says something a little off these days I'm really touchy about it. I get "So, which two are sisters?" all the time. I look at them like they are CRAZY and say, "All 3 of them are sisters. But DD#1 and DD#3 have the same birthmother." People need to think before they say such hurtful things.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>dharmamama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7940339"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My neighbor came over to say today. We were sitting on the front porch steps while Ramona and Efram were playing in the front yard. We were just chatting and somehow the conversation got around to the fact that he and his wife had tried for several years to have kids and were not able to get pregnant. He said they thought about adopting but the idea of taking in "someone else's kid" didn't appeal to them, so they decided to make a nice life for themselves as a childless couple.<br><br>
I just kinda looked at him, thinking he'd be like, "OMG, wow, I'm sorry, that didn't come out the way I meant it" or something like that, but he just kinda kept talking and the conversation turned to something else.<br><br>
This man and his wife are very nice to all three of our kids and have been really good neighbors to us. I'm honestly wondering if he it didn't even occur to him at that moment that our kids were adopted. I know I am guilty of referring to my friend's adopted-at-birth kids as her bio kids when discussing the recent arrival of her FIVE Ethiopian kids. I know her kids were adopted. I just didn't really think of it because as long as I've known her, she's had her kids.<br><br>
I don't know whether this is what happened with my neighbor or if he truly didn't realize that this was probably an inappropriate thing to say to an adoptive mom. Or maybe he just figured honesty is the best policy, social niceties be damned?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"><br><br>
dm</div>
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My vote is that hardly anyone thinks about what they are saying before they say it when it comes to adoption. Because if they did, they would realize how hurtful or offensive some of it comes across as.<br>
My hubby's ex tried to say that she has 6 children because GOD blessed her with them because he KNEW that she would be a good mommy and protective mommy. Acting like because we couldnt have children it must mean that God didnt think we would make good parents.<br>
Well I didn't say it to her but I still want to, that if God only gave children to good parents, then we wouldnt have DD. Cps wouldn't exist. Those parents that God supposedly only gave kids to because they would make great parents, wouldn't beat, abuse, neglect etc their children.<br>
I do believe that God destins each child to a set of parents, but I dont believe that those parents are always the ones that created them. Our daughter was meant for us. I know this because after experiencing infertility for months and trying a fertility treatment and then FINALLY deciding that God had other plans for our parenting. ONE DAY LATER, I got a call about our DD in CPS. God knew if we had been pregnant or already had a child, we would never have taken another.<br>
Anywho, sorry, got distracted there. But yeah, I think that your neighbor didnt think when they said it.
 

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I've never posted here before, but I lurk because I'm kinda considering adoption. Anyways...<br><br><br>
I hate the idea that biology creates parents, which is patently false. In my opinion, a child's parents are those who do the parenting. That means an adopted kid's parents are the adoptive parents. A stepfather who raises his wife's biokid and the biofather is not in the picture is that kid's parent. If a woman drops her kids off at her grandparents and runs away for 2 years, the grandparents are the parents. Period. /rant
 

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i think the guy -- givein thier kind past -- just didn't even think about your kids as adpoted -- they are just your kids <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> and he didn't even think about it till it was out of his mouth and he was sorry.......sounds like an older man, and let's face it 30+ years ago, muchless 40 or more...a lot of topices were thought of differently.<br><br>
I wouldn't stress -0- if another comment is made, i'd ask or point it out --<br><br>
as it is i am sure he is kicking himself and feeling bad.<br><br>
Aimee
 

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I think that this is how many people view adoption.... as taking in other people's kids- which in a way it is. So- he was probally being truthful- who knows if he knew your kids were adopted or not? Ask him....<br>
Hey- the other day you said this and it was on my mind. Did you know our kids were adopted? Then you will know and have a chance to say- you know- it kind of hurt my feelings when you said that- or just leave it be and add it to your list of things not to say in the future to others!<br><br>
If they saw adoption as "taking in other people's kids" then they probally made the right choice in not adopting. No biggie.<br>
It is when people see adoption as " taking in other people's kids" and adopting anyway that worries me much more!<br><br>
As in- You were someone else's mistake... and I will take you on... type of attitude.<br>
Em
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sunflwrmoonbeam</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7949033"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've never posted here before, but I lurk because I'm kinda considering adoption. Anyways...<br><br><br>
I hate the idea that biology creates parents, which is patently false. In my opinion, a child's parents are those who do the parenting. That means an adopted kid's parents are the adoptive parents. A stepfather who raises his wife's biokid and the biofather is not in the picture is that kid's parent. If a woman drops her kids off at her grandparents and runs away for 2 years, the grandparents are the parents. Period. /rant</div>
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This is not true at all...... It is not PERIOD at all..... there is no reason to make an all or nothing judgement in the case of adoptions.<br>
That attitude will not lead you into being an effective or sensitive adoptive mother and I think now a days it will get you shut off at the starting gate to even being able to adopt.<br><br>
I have two sets of parents. The parents who raised me and the parents who concieved me, birthed me and whose genes I share. BOTH are important factors in ME and BOTH deserve respect.<br><br>
I find this attitude insulting, selfish and ignorant. Both to the birth mother and the adoptee....<br><br>
I know you are new to your research and I strongly urge you to continue on your research- as to why this is a dangerous and deeply damaging attitude for adoptees.<br>
Emilie
 

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Probably, the simple fact that he knew you'd adopted made him think of his own dilemma when they were considering adoption. He blurted out some of the reasons that adoption wasn't right for his family, and his words just came out wrong. If he didn't know your children were adopted, then the simple fact that you have little kids made him think of his adoption-related dillemma.<br><br>
I'm sure we've all made social faux pas in our lives.
 

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Thank you, Em. I barely have the energy to deal with it anymore.<br><br>
I'm sorry, Dharma. He probably realized he stuck his foot in his mouth too late, always thought of your kids as your kids, & changed the subject. There's no reason to shame him, even if you feel you need to ask him about it further.
 

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I think this thread is evidence of people saying things that they think are helpful/supportive or don't mean any harm in them....yet obviously are deeply offensive to some.<br><br>
I totally get it...what the OP experienced. I think many of us do...sometimes on a very frequent basis. Today I went to a new doctor that I actually really like. He totally blew it when it came to talking about adoption with me. They have those questions about how many children you have. So I put 4 and then tell him that 3 are biological (knowing that a good part of the reasoning for asking the questions has to do with my medical history) and 1 adopted. He stumbled all over it...just couldn't seem to get it and finally did but definitely used very poor terminology. He then said - why would you want to adopt after having 3 children? He wasn't being rude at all...I could tell it was an honest (while annoying) question. I didn't really have a big answer for him....need to come up with one I guess. I walk out to the desk and his wife (office manager) was talking with me, asked how many children I have and then went on about how great it all is.<br><br>
While I do think it's important to educate people...especially medical folks. Sometimes I'm just not really up to it and I just sortof shake my head and go on my way. Sometimes too it just catches us off guard!<br><br>
But then I also have my moments when I like to mess with people's heads!<br><br>
My guess with this situation is that he really didn't think that he was saying anything that would be offensive to you. And probably was just NOT thinking at all.
 

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I think that for his words to be offensive -- there has to be malaic.<br><br>
The wrods were rude, and worng -- yes.<br><br>
But I don't get the feel he was attacking, or judgeing.<br><br>
and to be offensive he'd have to be -- IMO -- intentionally trying to hurt OP or intentianlly being mean......<br><br>
it is a tough issue.<br><br>
Aimee
 

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I just have to chuckle at the idea that someone would not know that two of dharmamamma's children were adopted <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I have to say that I've encountered comments similar to this in several circumstances. Something along the lines of 'I just couldn't do it; adoption's not for me; I couldn't raise someone else's child...'<br><br>
I think typically it's a statement of belief for these people about themselves, and not intended to criticize or offend the listener. Sort of like when people say 'I could never be a SAHM' to a SAH parent, or 'I could never work fulltime and raise kids, I'm just not up to it' to a working parent.<br><br>
It probably reflects how poorly people are at being able to see other perspectives aside from their own circumstances. Of course, all of us could be SAH parents, working parents, adoptive parents and whatever else if the situation was appropriate for it.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I just have to chuckle at the idea that someone would not know that two of dharmamamma's children were adopted</td>
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ture but on the other hand it is a statement of how accpeted they are as a family -- that people don't even think about the kids being adopted.<br><br>
pretty cool in my mind "oh i totally forgot X was adopted, silly me"
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Emilie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7952167"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have two sets of parents. The parents who raised me and the parents who concieved me, birthed me and whose genes I share. BOTH are important factors in ME and BOTH deserve respect.<br><br>
I find this attitude insulting, selfish and ignorant. Both to the birth mother and the adoptee....</div>
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Emilie,<br><br>
While I agree with everything you say, I hope you understand where adoptive parents (pre-partents?) are coming from. When in the paper chase of adoption, we were told daily by aquaintances that they could never raise someone elses kid. It really made us feel devalued as parents. Though I now understand the dynamics of the adoptive/birth family better, I might have said something like this during the paperchase. I often felt like I had an open cut and the general public was lining up with lemon juice.<br><br>
Beth
 
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