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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For SAHM or SAHD, how much personal responsibility do you require of your partner? I told my husband that I, of course, am going to pick up my own messes and I understand that I'm responsible for teaching the kids to do their own and helping them. I also told him that dinner, dishes and common cleaning like the bathroom and mopping would be mine. But I asked him to be responsible for picking up his clothes from the floor, wiping the counter when he spills something, sweeping the floor when he tracks in copious amounts of dirt, swiping out the sink after he shaves, wiping the toilet if he pees on it, and other little personal messes. I feel I shouldn't have to clean up after him in those ways, especially since I've already cleaned it. Am I being fair? He says it's "your job".
 

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It's personal responsibility. No way should he just leave something for you to do because it's "your job". If he makes the mess and realizes it then by all means, pick up after himself. It will show the children how to take responsibility for themselves by seeing his example. Stick to your guns!
 

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I think you have it right. You are not his servant. My DH will clean up messes that he makes, put his own dish in the sink and rinse, put clothes in hamper etc. That is *HIS* job.
 

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You spill it, you clean it. 100% personal responsibility.<br><br>
Neither of us is a SAHP but even if I was it would still be expected to clean up after yourself. That is just respectfull of the fact that other people live in the house and it is rude to leave a mess for someone else to clean. The motto in our house is that we all live there, we all contribute to the mess, and we all help clean it up.. My dh knows that I will happily wash whatever clothes are in the hamper. If they are not in there he either does it himself or has to wait until next week. There is no dish fairy in our house. Everyone is responsible for bringing their own dirty dishes to the sink or dishwasher. As for the bathroom-that is not my mess under the seat and I sure as heck am not cleaning it.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">But I asked him to be responsible for picking up his clothes from the floor, wiping the counter when he spills something, sweeping the floor when he tracks in copious amounts of dirt, swiping out the sink after he shaves, wiping the toilet if he pees on it, and other little personal messes. I feel I shouldn't have to clean up after him in those ways, especially since I've already cleaned it. Am I being fair? He says it's "your job".</td>
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Absolutely he should do these things! His job probably lasts 8 hours during the day. By asking you to be his personal maid he is saying your job should cover every one of your waking hours. We definitly believe in personal responsibility at our house. My husband would feel terribly guilty if I did all those things for him. I think he would also feel really weird about it, like I was trying to be his mommy or something.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sjkmaurice</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">For SAHM or SAHD, how much personal responsibility do you require of your partner? I told my husband that I, of course, am going to pick up my own messes and I understand that I'm responsible for teaching the kids to do their own and helping them. I also told him that dinner, dishes and common cleaning like the bathroom and mopping would be mine. But I asked him to be responsible for picking up his clothes from the floor, wiping the counter when he spills something, sweeping the floor when he tracks in copious amounts of dirt, swiping out the sink after he shaves, wiping the toilet if he pees on it, and other little personal messes. I feel I shouldn't have to clean up after him in those ways, especially since I've already cleaned it. Am I being fair? He says it's "your job".</div>
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So, if you were not a SAHM, and he was a SAHD, should he have to wash your undies should you have an accident during your menses? Should he have to dispose of used sanitary napkins?<br><br>
I know that is gross-sounding, but think about it.<br><br>
I think it is disgusting that a man thinks it is his wife's job to clean up his nasty underwear and clean his pee off of the toilet, as well as shavings in the sink. It seems that he does not respect you as a wife, or a person if he thinks this way. And truthfully, I would be tempted to tell off his mama, because I will bet that is where he got the idea that you are his slave, just because you do not bring home a paycheck.<br><br>
I do not understand these guys. Most of them seem to want a wife to SAHM, but then get all uppity and superior-acting when the wife does not bring home a check too, in addition to everything else. As if she is "less than". I do not get it.
 

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Another vote here for personal responsibility. If my dh leaves something to be cleaned, I usually do it with no grumbles, though, but that is because he is generally so helpful in so many other ways and he is so not a prick about our roles. But generally he cleans up after himself anyway and I feel appreciated so I don't mind.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sjkmaurice</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I also told him that dinner, dishes and common cleaning like the bathroom and mopping would be mine. But I asked him to be responsible for picking up his clothes from the floor, wiping the counter when he spills something, sweeping the floor when he tracks in copious amounts of dirt, swiping out the sink after he shaves, wiping the toilet if he pees on it, and other little personal messes. I feel I shouldn't have to clean up after him in those ways, especially since I've already cleaned it. Am I being fair? He says it's "your job".</div>
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Wow, you are so nice to do all that you do for him! Wow! Personally when I had our first baby and became a SAHM, my job was to stay home and create a wonderful life for our child, while his job was to work and support us. As for household chores, this is how we divvied it up:<br><br><span style="text-decoration:underline;">ME (SAHM)</span> -----------------<span style="text-decoration:underline;">DH (WOHD)</span><br>
Cleaning bathroom -----------------Taking out all garbage & recyclables.<br>
Eating & breastfeeding.--------------Making dinner and sometimes coming<br>
------------------------------------home and making lunch.<br>
Taking care of baby all day.---------Bathing and playing with baby after<br>
------------------------------------coming home. Nightly storytime.<br>
Light cleaning, tidying during week.--Cleaning, if time weekdays.<br>
----------------Heavy weekend cleaning shared equally on weekends.------------<br>
----------------Yard work shared equally or whoever felt like doing it, whenever.--<br>
----------------Loading/unloading dishwasher shared, but more often by me, since--<br>
----------------he had cooked the meal.-----------------------------------<br>
Paying bills and budgeting.-----------Vehicle repair.<br>
Grocery shopping. -------------------Occasional grocery shopping.<br>
Personal responsibility. --------------Personal responsibility.<br><br>
Now that we have two homeschoolers, my primary "job" is to nurture and fill the childrens' lives with joy and learning. I take care of weekday breakfast, snacks, lunches and DH does most of the night time and weekend cooking. Though I do the majority of the cleaning during the week (except DH will load the dishwasher once or twice to help), on the weekends, we usually have one day where we spend an hour or two together doing a major clean (it goes much faster with two, leaving more time for family fun). We share the yard work.<br><br>
I guess I don't know what my advice would be. Perhaps you could show him this thread. I think that parents should be partners, marriage is a partnership. Some days and weeks, I have more time to take care of more of the cleaning and DH has to do little of it, others I need his help more. If he has a couple of particularly gruelling weeks with overtime, then I will try to ask less of him at home and give him more time to spend devoted to the children. He has almost always been the one to give them baths and read them stories at bedtime. It is their special time together and a great tradition. Also, it makes him feel very involved in their upbringing.<br><br>
I am so glad that I don't have to treat my DH like another child or like a baby picking up his every little mess. Though occasionally, I do, I'm sure my DH would say he picks up some of mine, also. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
edited to fix the formatting errors - pretend all the dashes are spaces. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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It's a matter of personal responsibility, absolutely. He'd get an earful if he was living with roommates! It's also a matter of setting and example for DC. He is setting an example with whatever action he chooses, and he should be setting a positive, helpful example.
 

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Uh, personal responsibilty. No offence, but your dh is living in his own little dream world. He needs to remember that you are his wife, not his mommy and clean up after himself. I'd like to be less harsh about it, but I can't think of a way to say it nicely.<br><br>
In our house, it's personal responsibity, but also we help each other when we need it. For example, most regular housework is mine (laundry/vacuuming/dishes, etc), but I took on a WAHjob that on average is about 20hrs/week (data entry) and it's harder for me to get it all done, so he helps me pick up the slack with the kids and housework at the end of the day. I still find that I'm typing until I go to bed while he reads, but he does help with folding laundry/supper clean up/kids bedtime.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TinkerBelle</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So, if you were not a SAHM, and he was a SAHD, should he have to wash your undies should you have an accident during your menses? Should he have to dispose of used sanitary napkins?</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
"Your job"? <shaking my head trying to understand> According to whom? Is he your boss to assign the jobs in the house? Or in your marriage vows he said "I take this woman to be my SLAVE"?<br><br>
Gee, there was a period of time when only I was working and DH was laid off and without a new job. I guess I should have taken advantage or something...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sjkmaurice</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I understand that I'm responsible for teaching the kids to do their own and helping them.</div>
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Why isn't he responsible for the teaching and helping the children as well? I mean when he is home, of course.<br><br>
I just can't wrap my mind around his thinking. You share the home, you share the children, you share the work. Simple.
 

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Tinkerbelle - I would love to tell off his mother!<br><br>
I've told him lots of times I don't like her for the way she <i>continues</i> to teach him to treat women. She is a true <b>stay at home</b> mother, meaning she stays at home all the time, doesn't have friends, has no hobbies other than constant cleaning and redecorating her house and waits on her family hand and foot. This lady doesn't even watch TV or read magazines, books or newspapers. She does nothing for herself. I think he wants me to be like that.<br><br>
Thanks for all the replies. I kind of figured it was idiotic of him to think that way. Actually, this conversation opened up a whole can of worms for him. Riversky, I can't believe your husband does all that! The only chore my husband does is taking out the trash and that's because it made me nauseous to do it pregnant. Although I do it a couple times a week since the baby was born. I've been a SAHM for 20 months now, eight months with two children, and I think having a smart, really low-maintenance first child led us both into bad habits - him taking advantage of me and me letting him because nothing was hard to do with one child.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sjkmaurice</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Tinkerbelle -<br>
Thanks for all the replies. I kind of figured it was idiotic of him to think that way. Actually, this conversation opened up a whole can of worms for him. Riversky, I can't believe your husband does all that! The only chore my husband does is taking out the trash and that's because it made me nauseous to do it pregnant. Although I do it a couple times a week since the baby was born. I've been a SAHM for 20 months now, eight months with two children, and I think having a smart, really low-maintenance first child led us both into bad habits - him taking advantage of me and me letting him because nothing was hard to do with one child.</div>
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Oh this was us! I started staying home full time when ds was 2, but before that I only worked about 20 hours a week. Dh was working a lot, then he was traveling a lot and I did EVERYTHING around the house. I was fine with it, I didnt' want his time at home to be spent cleaning the bathroom when he could have been spending time with us. Plus ds was such an easy child that I had a lot of "free" time. (Understand the use of "free" as -not constantly holding a fussy baby-)<br><br>
Fast forward to last spring and I was put on bedrest. My dh didnt' even know how to turn on the vacuum cleaner that we had owned for a year. He was in charge of everything, meals, shopping, cleaning up, most of ds's care, it was a big wake up call for him. He once said, "Since I started cleaning the garbage can lid, it gets so dirty everyday." No baby, it's always gotten dirty, you've just never noticed that it was dirty before because I clean it everyday<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I assumed he would go back to "normal" after I had dd and things got back to normal, but it's been 6 months and he is stilll really doing his part.<br><br>
Maybe talking to him in the context of a partnership, could help? When I don't feel like I'm a full partner with my dh I lose interest in "partner" type things<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> You aren't staying home to be a fulltime maid, you are there to be a mother and clean what you can in your "spare" time. Your free time should also include things for you, not a constant 24/7 of being on call to clean and take care of a grown man. I still do the major cleaning but my dh now follows something I learned in Girl Scouts when we went camping. "Leave it better than you found it" Whether it's his mess or his "job" to clean, everyone should be helpful.
 

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<b>sjkmaurice</b> wrote:<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">For SAHM or SAHD, how much personal responsibility do you require of your partner? I told my husband that I, of course, am going to pick up my own messes and I understand that I'm responsible for teaching the kids to do their own and helping them. I also told him that dinner, dishes and common cleaning like the bathroom and mopping would be mine.</td>
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First off, I'd like to personally thank you for including SAHDs! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> My husband doesn't post on message boards, so I'm acting as his proxy on this one. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> He stays at home while I work. During the day, he is responsible for cleaning the kitchen, living room, and the kids' areas. I am responsible to clean my own bathroom (he cleans his) and my office area. I am also responsible for my own laundry and clothing being put away, etc. We both do the children's laundry, whoever is doing a load just takes their's along and does it at the same time.<br><br>
We alternate cooking dinners; one cooks, the other does the dishes. The next night vice versa. He usually pays the bills, though sometimes I do; he always takes out the trash. Without being asked. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 
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