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My mother is starting to finalize names and addresses of folks I want to invite to my shower to send out invites this week.

We just found out that DH's cousin and his wife lost their pregnancy last week... they were right around the end of the first tri. We see them at all big family functions (weddings, graduations, etc.) but not much beyond that these days... but prior to their loss, I wouldn't have questioned a second about sending an invite to the cousin's wife since the rest of the gals from the family are being invited.

I've only dealt with this from the infertility standpoint- I got baby shower invites, declined politely as going to the events was so very hard for me and sent a gift from the website of wherever the mom is registered while we were TTC.... but this is obviously alot different than my situation.

Should I still send an invite to her? I really don't know how to handle the whole situation... since her loss is so new and I don't want to add salt to any wounds for her- and I want to keep her well being as my main priority.
 

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I would probably hand write her a note that says how sorry you are for her loss and that you know she is going through a difficult time. That you are having a shower for your baby and wanted to invite her, even though it is totally OK if she doesn't want to come. That you understand. Tell her you didn't want her to be left out but also do not want to hurt her feelings. That way the decision is hers. She can come if she feels up to it, I probably wouldn't but people react differently than I.
 

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I would call her.

I would say: I wasn't sure how to best handle this situation. I couldn't imagine not allowing my mom to send you an invite to my shower, and on the other hand I could not imagine you getting it unexpected in the mail and how much that might hurt. I know what it feels like to not be able to conceive and I have avoided many showers/births etc because it just stung so bad. I am sure you are going through so much more than that, and I completely understand if you cannot come, or if you can only stay a short while. Please know that I will not for a second take any of it personal!

If not then perhaps a hand written note along the same lines tucked into her invitation. Although personally I would call first, as she may want to just not open it and tuck it away if she's hurting super bad. (you could even write "shower invitation" on the back or in small writing on the bottom front if you don't want to call-just to give a heads up to her) i would consider any of that being very sensitive to her feelings.

I'm sure you'll get some other ideas here too.
My condolences for her loss, I've experience 4 myself.
At the same time, try to remember this is your special day too and you deserve to have a wonderful baby filled joyus time with oohs and ahhs and googoo gagas
. Yes, be sensitive but don't feel like you have to dampen your joy at the event either...it will be a special memory and time for you and your baby to reflect back on someday.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by namaste_mom View Post
I would probably hand write her a note that says how sorry you are for her loss and that you know she is going through a difficult time. That you are having a shower for your baby and wanted to invite her, even though it is totally OK if she doesn't want to come. That you understand. Tell her you didn't want her to be left out but also do not want to hurt her feelings. That way the decision is hers. She can come if she feels up to it, I probably wouldn't but people react differently than I.
i agree with this!!
 

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Jen, what you wrote in your post is very touchingly concerned and sincere. If you reflect that in your communication with her, it's all you can do.

Whether it's more appropriate to call or write really depends on what you know of her nature - I'd be the type to prefer to experience my pain in the privacy of a written communication instead of a call, but I know there are those who would feel a call is warmer and more human.

That you felt the pain of infertility and went through time in your own life when you couldn't attend baby events is something, I think, to mention (if she doesn't already know). I think you are also right to give her the space to feel that her pain of losing a pregnancy is different than that of failing to conceive, especially while she's still raw.

Paramount, I think she needs to hear it from you first instead of from other family members. Can you mail her invite with your included note, or make your call a day ahead of others?
 

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Originally Posted by wobit View Post

Whether it's more appropriate to call or write really depends on what you know of her nature - I'd be the type to prefer to experience my pain in the privacy of a written communication instead of a call, but I know there are those who would feel a call is ?
I would personally rather have a hand written letter. You just never know what kind of mood someone will be in when you call and it's unexpected. It might put her on the spot to say yes when she hasn't really thought of how it will feel. If you send a note, she will have time to process that information without being put on the spot, maybe that's just me. Either way it is great that you are reaching out in a kind manner.
 

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Originally Posted by Tenk View Post
i agree with this!!
Me, too


My neighbor just lost her baby at 12 weeks
She's been very firm that she wants to know how I am doing and that their sorrow should not interfere with our joy. It's a hard edge to balance, though
 

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Originally Posted by namaste_mom View Post
I would probably hand write her a note that says how sorry you are for her loss and that you know she is going through a difficult time. That you are having a shower for your baby and wanted to invite her, even though it is totally OK if she doesn't want to come. That you understand. Tell her you didn't want her to be left out but also do not want to hurt her feelings. That way the decision is hers. She can come if she feels up to it, I probably wouldn't but people react differently than I.
Exactly this.
 
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