Philisophical thoughts on TTC

There is certainly more to ttc than just the first "t"(trying). My husband and I spent 3 1/2 years-and $15,00- trying for our first, to no avail. We were deemed to have "unexplained infertility". Then, we conceived on our own. There seemed to be nothing different, although scores of people proclaimed I must have finally relaxed (I hate them all, what a cruel thing to say).

It is interesting to note though that during the time we tried for baby #1, we became foster parents. One month after our foster daughter joined the navy and moved, we became pregnant. We were destined to be her foster parents?

Ou son is now almost three and we conceived again last October. Sadly we suffered a heart breaking loss in December. Since the loss though, I have taken up Tae Kwon Do, had a couple of articles published, and started knitting. These are things I would not have done had a not gotten pregnant, then had a miscarriage.

There is much mystery surrounding this.

Hi! I'm new here. Your post struck a chord, so I thought I'd share my story.

I "tired" for a year and a half with ds. I didn't really know a lot about ttc, and dh and I weren't very systematic. It was very emotionally difficult for me nonetheless. I think I was in a state of mild depression for about a year.

Now, I realize that ds arrived exactly when he was supposed to. At the time we were ttc, I had some tough decisions to make about my employment, and I was hoping getting pg would make them for me (I would be leaving to become a mom, not because I was 'giving up' on teaching, which had been my life long dream). Well, that didn't happen. So, I had to choose to leave that teaching job on my own. Then I very fortuitously got another job in educational publishing. My boss literally came across my resume by chance! This job was much closer to home, taught me a lot, and was much less stressful, which made for a better pregnancy. I was able to take 10 weeks off before the baby was born, and the job developed into an awesome work-from-home opportunity once ds was a few months old. None of that would have happened if I'd conceived when I originally planned.

We are now ttc #2, and I am learning a lot more about the whole process. I'm hoping knowledge will help cut down on the ttc time. If it doesn't, however, I think I am in a better spiritual place, putting my trust in God. I may still not be able to see the forest through the trees, but at least now I now there is a forest out there!

Melissa

I think that there is a fine line between recognizing that there can be a more spiritual aspect to all of this, and blaming it on "fate". Having heard from an unkind soul that "Maybe you weren't meant to have kids and this is g-d's way of telling you." I tend to be leery of telling people that maybe it just isn't the right time.

I think that there are some people who subconsciously limit their ability to get pregnant, either not timing sex well, not paying attention to cycles, etc. I have been that person a couple of times, where I put off sex, because dh and I were having problems, and I missed O. I didn't do it on purpose really, just sort of farted around until it was too late.

I think that there are people who have medical conditions that keep them from getting pregnant. Some of them are aware of the conditions, and some aren't. And some choose to ignore that possibility.

Bottom line for me is that, for some people biology functions perfectly, every time. (one of my best friends has this problem) regardless of life situation, regardless of emotional situation. Some people's biology doesn't work so well, and take a little bit of time, and the perfect moment to work correctly, but once it works, it works fine.
And still others, well, their biology doesn't work at all (ME!), and they need help to get pregnant.

I love this board, but sometimes I think it gives a false perspective about the amount of infertility. There are a lot of us infertile folks here. But while we are vocal, and noticed, we are a very very small handful of a board of over 20K people. Most of whom are getting pregnant without a hitch.

I think it is less about our emotional state, and more about our biological state. I think that there is a spiritual component to it all, I do. But I won't ever say that is all it is. I think that some of us have to learn things for the next round. I know I fall into that category.

Adina
thank you I could not have put it better. I dont know if I will ever get pregnant again and have a biological child and if I do I dont know if that would shift my views but for now I agree that it's more biology than anything. Maybe because it would simply be too hard to believe that there is a spiritual reason I'm not pregnant (plus in my my case it's a male factor holding us back). DH and I are good people, we have many loving friends and family. We would be good parents (not perfect obviously, who is?). Certainly much better parents than teenage girls who get pregnant to get attention or those who do it for welfare...But I guess that's my point of view and maybe the Truth is somewhere else. Maybe it's not about being able to provide a stable home, good education and fun activities. Maybe it's about something totally different that eludes me.

May we all get the babies the long for.

love, M

I did not in any way mean to tell anyone else that "this isn't your time" or "God has plans for you," etc. I was just sharing my own story, since that is what the OP asked about. I think it was good for me to work out some life issues before getting pg the first time, even though I wouldn't have seen it at the time. I am in no way saying this same thing applies to anyone else. I also agree with Adina that I was definitely subconsciously sabotaging our ttc efforts. I certainly had a mind block to charting.

I don't exactly believe in "fate" either. Otherwise, I wouldn't be diving into the TCOYF book and trying to make a change this time around. God gave us brains and knowledge to use it, after all.

It's hard for me to articulate what I believe spiritually. I don't think God sits somewhere judging who is or isn't a good person and gives and takes blessings accordingly. I don't think he throws burdens and obstacles in our laps to test us or shape us, etc. I believe God is all good and poors maximum blessings and love upon us. Sometimes I think we block this because of our own negative thought patterns. Other times, our higher spiritual selves choose (before birth) certain biological conditions because it is what we need to learn and move onto a higher spiritual level. This does not mean it is the individual's "fault," in any way. This idea kind of moves beyond blame, if that makes any sense.

I don't usually get into religious or spiritual discussions, but something moved me to write this. I almost erased it, but again something held me back. So, maybe I just needed to put it in print and send it "out there" to confirm the ideas for myself. I am not in any way trying to tell anyone else what to think or believe, or suggesting that any of this applies to you.

Peace to everyone and good luck in your ttc efforts.

Melissa