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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So today I just sort of lost it at practice preschool, after parent session was over. The topic today was potty training. I just started sort of thinking, this nagging thought that has been in the back of my mind for the longest time, and suddenly just sort of jumped to the surface and showed itself and all my fears along with it. Since ds was little, everyone has commented on how "smart" he appears. Stupid, yes, I know. He was/is always closely examining/inspecting things, and you could really see his little gears turning when you give him an interesting/new object. When we got the autism dx, I took comfort in the fact that lots of therapists said he's "probably" high functioning, but we won't know until he's older.

The fact of the matter is, for the longest time, there's been a little nagging worry that what if he's not high functioning? What if he can never live independently? What if he is one of the children who will grow to be a severely autistic adult, incapable of independent living?

You get these thoughts and dreams into your head, and they are somewhat shattered when you get the autism dx. But then there's a ray of hope...he may be high functioning. Capable of living a fully independent life, maybe even going to college. I personally am fine with him being socially awkward in exchange for being able to live independently and function as an adult. I never had dreams of my child being the most popular kid in school. My dreams were nerd dreams, dreams of him going to college, of being gifted like me and dh, of being one of the "smart" kids and getting a good job, taking after his dad and excelling at math, liking things like nature and camping (he loves the outdoors) and science.

But it has been occurring to me more and more, none of those things may happen, and I cannot keep pinning my hopes on the possibility that he is "high functioning," because what if he's not?

I have always held in my heart the hope that my child, no matter who he becomes, no matter what he does for a living, no matter who he loves, that he is happy and loved and knows he is loved. That's it. But lately...I guess I'm doing a little grieving for the fact that I really and truly may have to let all those "nerd" dreams go. That my child may never go to college. That my child may never be mainstreamed. That he may never get married or have a serious relationship.

I don't know what my problem is, or why all of this is coming out today suddenly, but there it is.

:
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Individuation View Post
Here... have some, you know, supportiveness, and stuff.
Hala, pregnancy does good things for you.


I know he'll always be my baby, and I truly will love him no matter what, of course. I just am having a hard time accepting the fact that he may not be nearly as "high functioning" as originally thought, and the road that lies ahead of us suddenly seems scary and insurmountable.

Ah, you edited while I was replying. That last little bit does make me feel better. I didn't know that some more moderate to severely affected kids could be integrated into higher education. Stupid of me I know. I'm still sorta finding my way on this autism path.
 
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