Uh, I wouldn't call any of that normal kid stuff, I would call that insanity. Those children are obviously not appropriate with a young child (or with an adult either, for that matter), so it is not a situation I would bring my child into again.
Playdate Disaster!
I am not sure if this is the best place for this thread or not, but I couldn't think of where else it might go, so here it is.
![]()
The other day I took my son (20 months old) to a friend's house to play with her kids, who are 6 and 3 1/2. We haven't spent much time with them, maybe one or two visits since he was an infant.
The kids were super excited to see him, as they love little kids, but were really overwhelming for him, trying to hug him and pick him up. They also cornered him behind the couch and wouldn't let him out, which stressed him out quite a bit. Their mom tried to get them to calm down, but they didn't. They were also hitting, punching, and wrestling with each other a lot, and then they started fighting about who got to play with my son. Though I thought they were pretty rough, I thought that this is somewhat normal kid stuff, at least for some kids, and I wasn't too bothered by it initially. I just tried to make sure my son was comfortable and felt like he had me close enough in case he needed support.
He quickly got used to them and they wanted to take him upstairs to play. I went with them because I didn't think they were old enough, obviously, to supervise my little one. They were climbing on top of their bunk beds then jumping off the top bunk onto a pile of pillows (which I thought was dangerous, but I did this when I was little too) and they wanted my son too also. When I told them he was too young and would get hurt, they told me no, and pushed my hands back when I tried to take my son off the ladder. They then tried to hold me back from getting my ds as he was trying to climb the ladder to get on the bunk bed.
Later, they encouraged him to throw toys, though I gently reminded him that "we don't throw toys," and the kids said things like "Don't listen to your mommy! Throw more!" Then there was more fighting, wrestling, hitting, screaming, and crying as the siblings fought with each other and fought about playing with my son. This went on for the entire visit.
Then the boy (the 6-y-o) came up to me and "cut" my arm several times with a rubber spatula. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was cutting me so I couldn't take my son home and they could keep him. His mom told him that wasn't nice, even if he was joking, and asked him to apologize, but he didn't. (He watches all kinds of violent TV and has Japanese anime comic books with all sorts of blood and gore.)
After all of this wildness, my son finally got into the act and jumped on the 6-y-o on a pile of blankets, screaming and wrestling with him, and trying to kiss his face. It looked a little like he might bite, but he has never bitten before. (He likes to do these open-mouth kisses that we call "skarky kisses" because his teeth usually push against your face during the "kiss," but it's not painful.) He also started flapping his arms around wildly and hitting the 6-y-old. I told him, "Gentle! Don't hit. Be gentle," and the boy said, "That's ok! I like it! Keep hitting me!"
There was a constant refrain of "Don't listen to your mommy! Run from her! Keep doing what you're not supposed to be doing!"
When we left, the younger child (my friend's daughter) had had a complete meltdown because my son wouldn't hug her on demand, so she was lying in bed looking at a video with her mom, and my friend asked her son (the 6-y-o) to walk my son and I out and lock the door when we left. As we went downstairs, the boy hugged me, or so I thought, but what he was really doing was preventing me from leaving, holding onto me first around the waist, then by the legs. I joked around with him, then tried to tickle him, then asked him to please let go, then told him more sternly "This is not funny anymore. You need to let me go now." I tried to remove his hands from me, but I couldn't without hurting him. (Before you laugh about me being restrained by a 6-y-o, I should tell you that I am only 5'2" and he is almost as tall as I am.) My son was climbing up some steep stairs, and I explained to the boy that I needed to get him so he didn't fall and get hurt, and he said no and wouldn't let go of me, and told my son, "Run! I'm not going to let her take you!" I could've gotten out of his grip if I hurt him, but I wasn't willing to do that. After 10-15 minutes of this, I had to call his mom to come down to get him to let go of me!
I know some of this is normal kid stuff, but their disrespectful and contradictory behavior really bothered me, and I was really bothered by the six-year-old physically restraining me and preventing me from getting my son or leaving, no matter what I said. Am I overreacting? I worry about having my son around kids who act like this, but I don't want to damage my relationship with my friend by refusing to get together. I don't want my son to act like this and be so disrespectful and contradictory towards others, especially people he hardly knows!
Their mom didn't hear a lot of it because we were upstairs (I was trying to change my son's diaper) and she was downstairs; never mind that she had told them NOT to go upstairs so I could change my son's diaper without being disturbed.
I guess I am questioning her parenting style, wondering how I can get my son to NOT act like that without being overly harsh, and also wondering if it's going to be bad for him to have these kids as an influence.
Any thoughts?
The other day I took my son (20 months old) to a friend's house to play with her kids, who are 6 and 3 1/2. We haven't spent much time with them, maybe one or two visits since he was an infant.
The kids were super excited to see him, as they love little kids, but were really overwhelming for him, trying to hug him and pick him up. They also cornered him behind the couch and wouldn't let him out, which stressed him out quite a bit. Their mom tried to get them to calm down, but they didn't. They were also hitting, punching, and wrestling with each other a lot, and then they started fighting about who got to play with my son. Though I thought they were pretty rough, I thought that this is somewhat normal kid stuff, at least for some kids, and I wasn't too bothered by it initially. I just tried to make sure my son was comfortable and felt like he had me close enough in case he needed support.
He quickly got used to them and they wanted to take him upstairs to play. I went with them because I didn't think they were old enough, obviously, to supervise my little one. They were climbing on top of their bunk beds then jumping off the top bunk onto a pile of pillows (which I thought was dangerous, but I did this when I was little too) and they wanted my son too also. When I told them he was too young and would get hurt, they told me no, and pushed my hands back when I tried to take my son off the ladder. They then tried to hold me back from getting my ds as he was trying to climb the ladder to get on the bunk bed.
Later, they encouraged him to throw toys, though I gently reminded him that "we don't throw toys," and the kids said things like "Don't listen to your mommy! Throw more!" Then there was more fighting, wrestling, hitting, screaming, and crying as the siblings fought with each other and fought about playing with my son. This went on for the entire visit.
Then the boy (the 6-y-o) came up to me and "cut" my arm several times with a rubber spatula. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was cutting me so I couldn't take my son home and they could keep him. His mom told him that wasn't nice, even if he was joking, and asked him to apologize, but he didn't. (He watches all kinds of violent TV and has Japanese anime comic books with all sorts of blood and gore.)
After all of this wildness, my son finally got into the act and jumped on the 6-y-o on a pile of blankets, screaming and wrestling with him, and trying to kiss his face. It looked a little like he might bite, but he has never bitten before. (He likes to do these open-mouth kisses that we call "skarky kisses" because his teeth usually push against your face during the "kiss," but it's not painful.) He also started flapping his arms around wildly and hitting the 6-y-old. I told him, "Gentle! Don't hit. Be gentle," and the boy said, "That's ok! I like it! Keep hitting me!"
There was a constant refrain of "Don't listen to your mommy! Run from her! Keep doing what you're not supposed to be doing!"
When we left, the younger child (my friend's daughter) had had a complete meltdown because my son wouldn't hug her on demand, so she was lying in bed looking at a video with her mom, and my friend asked her son (the 6-y-o) to walk my son and I out and lock the door when we left. As we went downstairs, the boy hugged me, or so I thought, but what he was really doing was preventing me from leaving, holding onto me first around the waist, then by the legs. I joked around with him, then tried to tickle him, then asked him to please let go, then told him more sternly "This is not funny anymore. You need to let me go now." I tried to remove his hands from me, but I couldn't without hurting him. (Before you laugh about me being restrained by a 6-y-o, I should tell you that I am only 5'2" and he is almost as tall as I am.) My son was climbing up some steep stairs, and I explained to the boy that I needed to get him so he didn't fall and get hurt, and he said no and wouldn't let go of me, and told my son, "Run! I'm not going to let her take you!" I could've gotten out of his grip if I hurt him, but I wasn't willing to do that. After 10-15 minutes of this, I had to call his mom to come down to get him to let go of me!
I know some of this is normal kid stuff, but their disrespectful and contradictory behavior really bothered me, and I was really bothered by the six-year-old physically restraining me and preventing me from getting my son or leaving, no matter what I said. Am I overreacting? I worry about having my son around kids who act like this, but I don't want to damage my relationship with my friend by refusing to get together. I don't want my son to act like this and be so disrespectful and contradictory towards others, especially people he hardly knows!
Their mom didn't hear a lot of it because we were upstairs (I was trying to change my son's diaper) and she was downstairs; never mind that she had told them NOT to go upstairs so I could change my son's diaper without being disturbed.
I guess I am questioning her parenting style, wondering how I can get my son to NOT act like that without being overly harsh, and also wondering if it's going to be bad for him to have these kids as an influence.
Any thoughts?
1 - 20 of 36 Posts
Is this a good friend? Through your post I kept wondering where she was...
These kids seem to be running the show in that home. Their behavior was *not* normal, and extremely inappropriate. Yes, your son will pick up on the behaviors and mimick them if you allow him to be exposed. I would not attempt a playdate with this mama again
![]()
.
It sounds like you were being held captive and the mama was taking the opportunity to escape, herself!
![]()
: I am sorry you had to go through that--yikes!
These kids seem to be running the show in that home. Their behavior was *not* normal, and extremely inappropriate. Yes, your son will pick up on the behaviors and mimick them if you allow him to be exposed. I would not attempt a playdate with this mama again
It sounds like you were being held captive and the mama was taking the opportunity to escape, herself!
2
Quote:
Ok, I have to admit that I actually didn't think it was all that normal either, but I was trying to be careful in my posting, thinking that maybe I was overreacting. I didn't want to be too judgmental of my friend's children, even though I was thinking "OH MY GOD! I can't believe how they are acting!" the entire time. They were just so disrespectful and ornery!
Now I have to figure out how I will handle it if she asks to get together again.
![]()
Originally Posted by oceanbaby  Uh, I wouldn't call any of that normal kid stuff, I would call that insanity. Those children are obviously not appropriate with a young child (or with an adult either, for that matter), so it is not a situation I would bring my child into again. |
Now I have to figure out how I will handle it if she asks to get together again.
2
Quote:
Unfortunately, I am a single mom, and she is almost a single mom because she has a husband who is a workaholic, so that's not really an option.
Originally Posted by Kirsten Then make plans to go out to lunch with her, or walk the lake, or whatever - when your dhs are both home to stay with kids. |
Quote:
Yes, it was weird. A lot of this happened when my son and I went upstairs to change his diaper. I asked if we could go upstairs to get some privacy because he doesn't really like an audience. (I am not sure if he's shy or just gets distracted or what, but he acts distinctly uncomfortable when having his diaper changed around strangers.) Despite this, and her telling the kids to stay downstairs, they came upstairs every time and she didn't follow. I don't like to discipline other people's kids either, so that left me in a very uncomfortable situation.
I think she is pretty exhausted because she doesn't get much help from her husband, and her kids are a handful. I also wonder if it's because she grew up in a household with 7-8 siblings and her mother was mentally ill. Maybe this is normal to her?
What I saw was a lot of not following through. She'd tell them "Be careful with him. He's just a baby." and that sort of thing, but then not make sure they did what she asked.
I also had another uncomfortable experience with them when my son was only 3 months old. Her daughter wanted to hold him, but she was only 2, and I didn't feel totally comfortable with it because she's such a wild kid. Her mom kept telling her no, but she kept asking and crying and whining, so then her mom said, "Well, sit on the couch and maybe you can hold him," so I agreed, but then she tried to get up while holding him and was flopping him all over the place, and I was pretty upset about the whole thing. I took my son back from her, but she kept demanding that I let her hold him over and over. I didn't.
One more story about these little "darlings": At my son's first birthday party, I had made him a homemade cake covered with a variety of fresh berries. When it was cake time, the kids gathered around the cake to sing "Happy Birthday." As soon as we blew out the candle, my friend's daughter grabbed a handful of berries off the top of his cake before my son even got to touch it, and then her brother immediately grabbed a bunch, and then the rest of the kids followed suit because they thought it was the thing to do. I was pretty upset since this was his first birthday, and I wanted all the pictures of him eating his first birthday cake, and had wondered how he'd react to it and all that. They destroyed his cake in two seconds flat!
![]()
:
How would you all handle it if your kids were acting like this? I wonder, as a relatively new parent, how I would react to my son if he acted this way, without being one of those overly harsh parents that screams at their kids all the time. I want my son to be well-behaved, but not out of fear. I don't want to be negative with him all the time. My parents got my brother and I to behave out of fear of being spanked (seriously, to the point of severe bruising--it was child abuse). Due to my childhood, I want to use a very different approach with my son, a gentle and loving approach, but sometimes I worry about him turning out like my friend's kids! I already have a hard time getting him to respond to no, which I only use in serious situations, but I am not sure if this is typical of kids at his age or not. I guess this experience has made me think about all of these issues.
Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom Is this a good friend? Through your post I kept wondering where she was... These kids seem to be running the show in that home. Their behavior was *not* normal, and extremely inappropriate. Yes, your son will pick up on the behaviors and mimick them if you allow him to be exposed. I would not attempt a playdate with this mama again
It sounds like you were being held captive and the mama was taking the opportunity to escape, herself!
|
I think she is pretty exhausted because she doesn't get much help from her husband, and her kids are a handful. I also wonder if it's because she grew up in a household with 7-8 siblings and her mother was mentally ill. Maybe this is normal to her?
What I saw was a lot of not following through. She'd tell them "Be careful with him. He's just a baby." and that sort of thing, but then not make sure they did what she asked.
I also had another uncomfortable experience with them when my son was only 3 months old. Her daughter wanted to hold him, but she was only 2, and I didn't feel totally comfortable with it because she's such a wild kid. Her mom kept telling her no, but she kept asking and crying and whining, so then her mom said, "Well, sit on the couch and maybe you can hold him," so I agreed, but then she tried to get up while holding him and was flopping him all over the place, and I was pretty upset about the whole thing. I took my son back from her, but she kept demanding that I let her hold him over and over. I didn't.
One more story about these little "darlings": At my son's first birthday party, I had made him a homemade cake covered with a variety of fresh berries. When it was cake time, the kids gathered around the cake to sing "Happy Birthday." As soon as we blew out the candle, my friend's daughter grabbed a handful of berries off the top of his cake before my son even got to touch it, and then her brother immediately grabbed a bunch, and then the rest of the kids followed suit because they thought it was the thing to do. I was pretty upset since this was his first birthday, and I wanted all the pictures of him eating his first birthday cake, and had wondered how he'd react to it and all that. They destroyed his cake in two seconds flat!
How would you all handle it if your kids were acting like this? I wonder, as a relatively new parent, how I would react to my son if he acted this way, without being one of those overly harsh parents that screams at their kids all the time. I want my son to be well-behaved, but not out of fear. I don't want to be negative with him all the time. My parents got my brother and I to behave out of fear of being spanked (seriously, to the point of severe bruising--it was child abuse). Due to my childhood, I want to use a very different approach with my son, a gentle and loving approach, but sometimes I worry about him turning out like my friend's kids! I already have a hard time getting him to respond to no, which I only use in serious situations, but I am not sure if this is typical of kids at his age or not. I guess this experience has made me think about all of these issues.
4
Quote:
:
The cake thing would have made me lose my mind. I cannot believe the mom didn't step in.
![]()
:
![]()
:
![]()
:
I have a daughter who doesn't respond to "no" and I think you're right in only using it in serious situations. I don't think it's necessarily an age thing (mine is 3) but more a personality thing. Is he a very focused and un-distractable child (like mine)? I feel like screaming sometimes, because my daughter always seems to be into something, usually borderline dangerous, but I remember this phrase "get curious, not furious" and try and see the world a bit from his point of view. I don't think your son will turn out like your friend's kids. You are actively parenting and disciplining (not in the harsh sense, in the teaching sense), which doesn't seem to be your friend's approach. It sounds like you are a playful parent, and model the correct behavior.
Like the pps said, I would stay away from your friend's kids for now, and depending on how your relationship is tell her why. Otherwise if you get roped into going there again, you might want to "accidently" leave a copy of "Raising Your Spirited Child" at her house!
Originally Posted by Bisou One more story about these little "darlings": At my son's first birthday party, I had made him a homemade cake covered with a variety of fresh berries. When it was cake time, the kids gathered around the cake to sing "Happy Birthday." As soon as we blew out the candle, my friend's daughter grabbed a handful of berries off the top of his cake before my son even got to touch it, and then her brother immediately grabbed a bunch, and then the rest of the kids followed suit because they thought it was the thing to do. I was pretty upset since this was his first birthday, and I wanted all the pictures of him eating his first birthday cake, and had wondered how he'd react to it and all that. They destroyed his cake in two seconds flat!
How would you all handle it if your kids were acting like this? I wonder, as a relatively new parent, how I would react to my son if he acted this way, without being one of those overly harsh parents that screams at their kids all the time. I want my son to be well-behaved, but not out of fear. I don't want to be negative with him all the time. My parents got my brother and I to behave out of fear of being spanked (seriously, to the point of severe bruising--it was child abuse). Due to my childhood, I want to use a very different approach with my son, a gentle and loving approach, but sometimes I worry about him turning out like my friend's kids! I already have a hard time getting him to respond to no, which I only use in serious situations, but I am not sure if this is typical of kids at his age or not. I guess this experience has made me think about all of these issues. |
The cake thing would have made me lose my mind. I cannot believe the mom didn't step in.
I have a daughter who doesn't respond to "no" and I think you're right in only using it in serious situations. I don't think it's necessarily an age thing (mine is 3) but more a personality thing. Is he a very focused and un-distractable child (like mine)? I feel like screaming sometimes, because my daughter always seems to be into something, usually borderline dangerous, but I remember this phrase "get curious, not furious" and try and see the world a bit from his point of view. I don't think your son will turn out like your friend's kids. You are actively parenting and disciplining (not in the harsh sense, in the teaching sense), which doesn't seem to be your friend's approach. It sounds like you are a playful parent, and model the correct behavior.
Like the pps said, I would stay away from your friend's kids for now, and depending on how your relationship is tell her why. Otherwise if you get roped into going there again, you might want to "accidently" leave a copy of "Raising Your Spirited Child" at her house!
5
Quote:
This is a pretty normal concern when your child is still a baby (as I pretty much consider a 20-month-old to be), but there is a HUGE range of discipline tactics in between doing nothing, as your friend seems to do, and spanking. My son is 3.5, he has never been spanked, and he would NEVER behave this way. We simply don't permit him to carry on with any behavior that is rude to others. For example he went through a period of some major screaming fits, when he was well old enough to use his words. It was very disturbing to others. Every time he did this, I firmly told him, "It's not okay to scream. You need to use your words." And I would carry him into this room, or if we were in public or at someone's house, I would carry him away to a more private place. It took a lot of times but he learned that 1--screaming is not going to get him what he wants, and 2--screaming bothers other people and means you have to leave the activity/gathering until you calm down.
I bet the mom is pretty overwhelmed, but still -- 6 and 2.5 isn't THAT close together. The behavior you describe really makes it sound like she is incredibly permissive and always has been. I certainly wouldn't be getting together for any more playdates.
Originally Posted by Bisou How would you all handle it if your kids were acting like this? I wonder, as a relatively new parent, how I would react to my son if he acted this way, without being one of those overly harsh parents that screams at their kids all the time. I want my son to be well-behaved, but not out of fear. I don't want to be negative with him all the time. My parents got my brother and I to behave out of fear of being spanked (seriously, to the point of severe bruising--it was child abuse). Due to my childhood, I want to use a very different approach with my son, a gentle and loving approach, but sometimes I worry about him turning out like my friend's kids! |
I bet the mom is pretty overwhelmed, but still -- 6 and 2.5 isn't THAT close together. The behavior you describe really makes it sound like she is incredibly permissive and always has been. I certainly wouldn't be getting together for any more playdates.
Quote:
My son's too young to really know but from what I've observed in families of pretty much ALL parenting styles is that except in cases where something else is going on (huge stress at school, imminent divorce, illness, or challenges like ADHD, etc., kids know what their parents' bottom lines are.
I don't mean that they won't test, or disobey, or have days where they are just constantly challenging. If this had been only one day I would have said maybe try once more, but since their behaviour was like that at the birthday party too I think that's enough evidence.
![]()
OVERALL I think kids generally do what they get away with. For example in my SIL's house the kids "backtalk" a lot. That doesn't especially bother her (I agree). But she cannot handle her things being broken and generally the kids don't even handle her "favourite" things (with some exceptions... her son carved his initials in a dresser and of course true accidents happen.) Of course she also has developed the habit of taking the kids outside early every day and getting their energy out, and again in the afternoon... it's not a simple "no" but the whole flow of the day.
A family is an organic thing and I think parents and their kids, for the most part, work these things out - as long as they are not overwhelmed and stressed out all the time. At developmentally appropriate ages, of course - my son knows it's important to be gentle with the cats, already, and he knows I will intervene right away, but being 18 mos old he still does reach for the tails sometimes.
In your friend's house it sounds like she is tired out and the kids know that when she says "don't do that" they have no reason to stop.
Your son will have grown up in your house with your guidance and by the time he reaches those years he will both know how to press your buttons /and/ know which tone of voice means a consequence is really about to happen. Plus you will have learned how to intervene when it's really necessary in a way that makes sense to both you and your child.
Originally Posted by Bisou How would you all handle it if your kids were acting like this? I wonder, as a relatively new parent, how I would react to my son if he acted this way, without being one of those overly harsh parents that screams at their kids all the time. I want my son to be well-behaved, but not out of fear. |
I don't mean that they won't test, or disobey, or have days where they are just constantly challenging. If this had been only one day I would have said maybe try once more, but since their behaviour was like that at the birthday party too I think that's enough evidence.
OVERALL I think kids generally do what they get away with. For example in my SIL's house the kids "backtalk" a lot. That doesn't especially bother her (I agree). But she cannot handle her things being broken and generally the kids don't even handle her "favourite" things (with some exceptions... her son carved his initials in a dresser and of course true accidents happen.) Of course she also has developed the habit of taking the kids outside early every day and getting their energy out, and again in the afternoon... it's not a simple "no" but the whole flow of the day.
A family is an organic thing and I think parents and their kids, for the most part, work these things out - as long as they are not overwhelmed and stressed out all the time. At developmentally appropriate ages, of course - my son knows it's important to be gentle with the cats, already, and he knows I will intervene right away, but being 18 mos old he still does reach for the tails sometimes.
In your friend's house it sounds like she is tired out and the kids know that when she says "don't do that" they have no reason to stop.
Your son will have grown up in your house with your guidance and by the time he reaches those years he will both know how to press your buttons /and/ know which tone of voice means a consequence is really about to happen. Plus you will have learned how to intervene when it's really necessary in a way that makes sense to both you and your child.
2
1 - 20 of 36 Posts
