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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I read and reread the Playful Parenting book many times and I find that the author's description of the child with a "leaking cup" really fits my dd1 (4 going on 5 in January).<br>
The author describes how all children no matter how well loved have a seemingly endless need for their parents' love and he compares that need to an empty cup. And parents can fill that cup by giving children food, warmth, clothes, care, play, cuddles...<br>
For some children it seems however the cup can never be full. That is just the problem with dd1: you give her a cup of milk and she says, give me more, there's not enough in my cup, even though you know she will leave and waste at least half of the cup. If you tell her a story, no, she wants two, and if you say, OK, I'll ltell you another one, it will be one more and one more... If you give her a piece of cake, she wants two, and she wants to make sure she had the largest piece.<br>
Now, it is true, all children are that way - a bit - but with her, you see the joy that she feels eating her slice of cake is just always spoiled by the thought her sister may be having a gram more than her...and the thought that yes this is a good slice, but why could I not get the entire cake? The only way for her to really enjoy the cake would be if I said. OK, today no cake for dd2, I baked the cake only for you dd1, and then she could eat the cake while her little sister sobs unconsolably... YKWIM?<br>
I so try to be patient, to be playful, but I am resentful and I feel I have given her SOOOO much and she does not appreciate anything I give her at all.... So, at the end, I ALWAYS end up exploding at least once a day... That's no good and I know that... when I explode I wind up guiltying her for how the day went and fact is I honestly do think that we could have such a good time if she stopped acting this way...<br>
I would really appreciate your inputs mamas<br>
Mum to dd1 4,5 yo <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hearts.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hearts"> and dd2 3 yo <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hearts.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hearts">
 

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Wow. You have just completely described my almost-5-yo. AND I also have a 3yo! I've often worried that my older ds's issues with this were because I had the second just 21 months later, and that he somehow didn't get his "cup" completely "fired" in the "kiln" of... :LOL ok, that poor metaphor is getting a little leaky its own self! But really, I worry that he's always wanting more because I really didn't give him enough, way back then when my younger one was tiny. Especially now that my "baby" is 3, and still seems so in need of mothering - I remember how much I pushed my older ds to grow up when he was the same age, and much younger. I can't really say I have a solution, but I definitely KWYM!<br><br>
The only real strategy I have (and it's probably not new to you, but I'll throw it out there anyway) is to focus on the concept of "enough". Siblings Without Rivalry talks a lot about this technique, and it's really helped ME feel like I'm at least addressing the whining without directly criticizing or labeling him. Whether it's changed his behavior or not... well, we can't have everything! :LOL
 

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What about giving dd#1 a form of "looking therapy"? (I think Cohen gave an example in the book, but haven't read the book for awhile.) What I mean is, when dd#1 wants more than you can give (more milk, more anything), get down to her level, make some sort of physical connection (holding shoulders, hands--not forcing the connection, though), and look really deeply into her eyes, smiling and sending as much love as you are able to at the moment through your eyes, and only end when she seems to be "filled". I think that deep, concentrated eye contact is one of the more intense forms of connection. I wouldn't make it a serious thing, I'd make it a funny thing, like: "Oop, looks like we need to have a mind-meld," or something like that. It may be the quickest way to full her up.<br><br>
ETA: I thought of one more thing, one of the wise mamas on this board said that she tries to take each of her child's "misbehaviors" as single incidents. In other words, she makes an effort to see each time as something distinct and not connected to the previous ones, in order to help not get increasingly frustrated throughout the day. For example, spilling milk in the morning isn't connected to waking dc in the afternoon. Grrr, this isn't coming out right. I'll have to see if I can find her post!<br><br>
But sending <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s your way!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
obiandelismom our children must be exactly the same age... mine are also 21 months apart: Jan 2001 and Oct. 2002. I feel the same you do, I feel it is as though I could not fill her up when she was a toddler and now she is "missing" something.... I could not quite bring myself to try the "enough" thing, I think I read about it in "How to speak ...." but I was afraid it may make her explode... I'll read it again though... The looking therapy HunnyBunnyMummy describes I think that's a good option.... I'll try that....<br>
Thanks for your replies...
 
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