please help answer question concerning STBX and DS

626 Views 7 Replies 6 Participants Last post by ProtoLawyer, Apr 10, 2009

bellababy

Discussion Starter · Apr 9, 2009

So we have not filed papers yet, but H and I are getting divorced. We have a 3yr old DS. My mom has been our nanny since DS's birth, and from the time DS was 1yr old, my mom has taken him overnight from Friday afternoon till Saturday.

Of course all of a sudden, my parents are completely incapable of caring for DS, and every weekend is a fight about him going up there for the night.

STBX tells me today that there is a law that says DS cannot be in the care of another person for more than 4 hours. What the heck? Is this true? I am having trouble searching online. He says if I don't go with DS to my mom's for the night that it is against the law and he is going to go and pick him up.

please help with any information! I am in florida.

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vaw

· #2 · Apr 9, 2009

I have no idea if there is some law that he is interrperting to mean that, BUT think about it - I work a 40 hour work week, my son goes to school ( and afterschool, and used to go to dc) - every child sitting in that school or dc would be violation of a 4 hr law. It just doesn't make sense.

Do you have a lawyer yet? I would advise getting a lawyer involved that is looking out for your and your child's best interests.

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MariesMama

· #3 · Apr 9, 2009

He is full of ... well, you know.

The only thing I can think of that even comes close (not at all) to this would be a right of first refusal clause in your divorce agreement. Which I'm assuming you don't have. Does he want to take your son for that time? Is that what he is offering? Or just being a jerk and saying that you have to be there too?

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Rosehip

· #4 · Apr 9, 2009

I'm thinking he's talking about a right of first refusal. So far as I know, that's not a law anywhere, but something people frequently put into custody arrangements.

Good luck.

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DogwoodFairy

· #5 · Apr 10, 2009

Thats a load of crap. Obviously children spend time away from their parents - daycare and school both come to mind here - the only thing he is referring to is the Right of First Refusal, which obviously he cant enforce, as its not been ordered anywhere. Once you have a court-ordered plan/visitation/custody arrangement, Right of First Refusal can be addressed (and it goes both ways, keep in mind. While he's trying to usurp his "right" to have ds when he's not in your care, your stbx will also have to consult you/ask you first before he brings ds to HIS mothers/friends/babysitters house).

Also, I would make it clear (when the time comes) that your ds has a significant relationship with your mom, and you can also successfully incorporate into your parenting plan that ds continue his overnights at his grandma's (but this probably will have to be an overnight that doesnt interfere with his dad's visitation time).

Not to sound TOO rude here, but dont believe a word he's telling you, and tell him to go take a flying leap. Then consult with a lawyer ASAP, so you know what your (and your son's) rights are, regardless of what your stbx makes up.

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bellababy

Discussion Starter · #6 · Apr 10, 2009

I told him to take a flying leap, and to show me on paper the law he is referring to... and... NOTHING!! HA! He totally backed down and said it's fine that DS goes to Grandma's with or without me tomorrow night.

We have been arguing about right of first refusal. He wants it in the papers, and I am opposed particularly for this reason-- I want DS to be able to continue his relationship with my parents, and spend the night there once a week (which I know will be on my time only, and that I can't expect STBX to abide by this)

thanks ladies. STBX is a total narcissist, and for the first time in 10 years I'm standing up to him. Boy does it feel good!

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DogwoodFairy

· #7 · Apr 10, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by bellababy

Good for you. Sounds like he may just be starting a trend of feeding you whatever lines he invents, with the sole purpose of scaring/intimidating you, but now you've called his bluff, and he'll probably think twice, maybe 3 times, before trying to back you in a corner next time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bellababy

We have been arguing about right of first refusal. He wants it in the papers, and I am opposed particularly for this reason-- I want DS to be able to continue his relationship with my parents, and spend the night there once a week (which I know will be on my time only, and that I can't expect STBX to abide by this)

Right of first refusal is definitely a hard one in some case, because it does work both ways, and it sounds like he may push to prohibit your ds's relationship with his grandma. Though you could always state in your agreement that his weekly overnight with your mom is exclusive of the ROFR clause. Dont know if it would go over, but always a possibility.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bellababy

thanks ladies. STBX is a total narcissist, and for the first time in 10 years I'm standing up to him. Boy does it feel good!

: Dont let him walk on you anymore. And love the feeling, it only gets better

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ProtoLawyer

· #8 · Apr 10, 2009

Based in no small part on what I've read at MDC as well as IRL, I've advocated for very specific right-of-refusal clauses that do address things like outings with relatives/friends and sleepover parties. (Otherwise, if you adhere to the letter of a generic RoR clause, you can't just drop off your older child at a friend's house to play or let her go to a movie with her cousins--you have to offer that time to the other parent. The kids' social life suffers.)

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