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Hello all,
A desperate man here. I apologize in advance for the novel but it helps clarify the situation. Please take the taime to read. I know Im not alone. I need help, advice, anything… I will start with some bullet points about my situation to help clarify things as it goes along.

  • My wife and I have been together for 4 ½ years, married for 2 ½ years, and have a 23-month old son and a 6-month old son.
  • I am 30, she is 27. Both have been in long relationships before and was cheated on before.
  • There were no symptoms of PPD I've noticed with the 1st child.
  • She refuses to acknowledge she may have a problem, some form of Postpartum depression, and refuses to talk about it.
  • Her sudden animosity is aimed at me, and not the children.
I will try to tell my story giving as much detail as I can, though my emotions are all over the place and I feel I have no one to turn to.
Our second son was born the end of Dec 2016. Things seemed fine leading up to the birth of our child. Our child came out healthy and breastfeeding is going great. However, once the child was born things were hectic to say the least. We are having financial troubles, as my wife isn't working and her employer screwed up the paperwork for her to collect temporary disability. We have the 23-month old who needs constant eyes with the baby needing our constant attention as well. Also it is February, so cabin fever has set in. It seems like the perfect storm of problems.

We were trucking along, with our priorities being the kids. My wife just started pumping so she was able to get out of the house and have some "Me" time one or two times. We did get 1 night out last week, which was nice I thought. As her 6-week Postpartum OB apt was approaching, we decided that she continue her birth control medication (Norethindrone) since we have not been intimate since before the baby, and was really looking forward to it again. This medication, through research, does have a side effect of depression and other mental issues. However, she did not have any of these symptoms when taking it before.

My wife started taking this birth control this past Sunday. On Monday or Tuesday, she confessed to me that she was not happy with me, and wanted to put the house up for sale and separate. I pleaded and pleaded, but she did not want to hear any of it. It's hard not to get worked up when you are hit with a brick wall like this. That night or the next morning (my sleep and measurement of time has been out of whack) she didn't feel the same, and wanted to be together. I told her we could go to church and be happy and I'll do whatever it takes, Ill change, and she seemed to take that to heart. The next day when I get up after my nap (I work overnight so I just live off of naps when I get home) she places her wedding rings on the table and tells me she's made her decision, that she's not happy and wants to separate and sell the house. All of this seemed so sudden to me and out of nowhere.
I forget exactly what time it was when we were talking, but she said to me she sometimes thinks it'd be easier if I just died. That set me off emotionally where I packed a bag to leave, but she apologized and said she didn't mean it, and I stayed.

She also gives the reason for wanting a separation because she thinks I cheated on her with my ex, who I have not spoken with since weve been together and have never and would never do something like that to her. She describes this very vivid detailed image she has of me and my ex together, and that is a sign that that really happened.
Anytime I try to talk to her and get answers she shuts me out. Ive talked to her family, who is on my side and says they don't even know who she is right now. She said I can sleep in the basement (we have a bed down there), but I made the decision (maybe the wrong one) to spend a few nights at my parents, starting on Friday (Started meds on Sunday, started talk of separation Monday or Tuesday, up and down with what she wanted to do until she gave me the rings back on Thursday).
I took the kids today (Saturday) so she can have some alone time. I had a nice day with my kiddos. She cleaned the house and got her nails done. Later in the day I notice on Facebook that she put up a picture of her manicure, only her left hand, showing it didn't have a ring on it, for all our friends and family to see. I asked her if she did this on purpose and she stated she has nothing to hide, that she's made her decision. I took the kids back home, gave them a bath and got them in bed. We talked some more but she was persistent on her decision. I asked her if it was someone else, and she said no. She said again that I don't make her happy. She said she's has love for me but not sure if ever really was in love with me. She even went as far to say that she has some ideas for new people for me, which is pretty twisted.

She refuses to listen to reason. She refuses to see anything wrong with all this. She won't talk to a doctor. She won't talk to our pastor. Anyone that tries to get through to her she gets offended and pushes them away. When you bring up hormones or medication or Postpartum, she says Im making excuses and blaming that.
She called me when I got to work tonight and seemed to open up a little more. She genuinely sounded upset, where any time before she almost seemed numb, so this may be progress. She said she hates to hurt me, but she still wants to go through with her decision. She then says she's never cheated on me but has developed some feelings for someone, who is a family friend. He is a realtor with a lot of money who is charismatic and flirty with everyone, who I know wouldn't do that. She was adamant about putting the house up even more as our conversation persisted, so I ended it. I told her I love her, goodnight, and I will see her and the kids tomorrow.

If she actually did go through the act of cheating on me I don't think there would be any remedy for that.

I have decided to go back home, for the kids. I told her I am there for the kids, and also for her. I told her we don't even have to talk, but I am there. I told her this and she was fine with it. I realize that the more I plead and beg and push her towards treatment, the more she pushes away. And I know she can't sell the house without my signature so that's not happening hopefully.

I have always treated her right. Tell her she's beautiful every day. Bring her flowers for no reason. Support her in her life endeavors. But yet I annoy her. She only seems to see the bad and negative with me.

What do I do? How can I get her to seek help and/or treatment? Am I wrong in thinking this is Post-Partum Depression? Could this be Psychosis? Could it be something else?

I'm a family man. I love the life we've built and know if and when we get through this, we will be stronger than ever. I cant lose my kids. My house. My wife. I cant have shared custody. I need my kids in my life everyday. Anyone with advice, similar stories, anything to help me help her would be deeply appreciated. Im desperate.

Thank you in advance.
~ A Desperate Man
 

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After reading this, I thought you'd have dozens of replies. People probably feel similar to me, not knowing exactly where to start or if anything we say will be worth our time because ultimately people are just going to do what they want to do, especially since we are strangers. But if you want to hear what others have to say, here goes my 2 cents:

Before I got even halfway through reading your post, I thought, "she's cheating". Her aggression and resentment seems to be towards you. You don't mention any animosity towards or ill-treatment of the children.

You mentioned she said that it might be easier if you weren't around. She didn't say it might be easier if the kids weren't around. You may be using PPD as an excuse for what you don't want to admit, which is she is cheating on you and willing to break up her family.

I have only been cheated on once (that I know of). He started to pick fights and treat me badly and accused me of cheating. Sorry, but those are tell tale signs of a cheating partner.

You mentioned counseling and seeking help. I don't know what your faith is, but as a Christian I would admonish you to continue to pray for your family. You can't stop her if she wants to leave. It will only make you and your family miserable.

Your priority are your children. You need to make sure they will be okay in this, whatever that means for you. I think, what kind of man would be with a woman with such young children, especially a few months old. I doubt he is wanting her to leave you and assume the role of playing step dad to two infants. I believe this is an irrational move on her part and one he is not expecting. I guarantee she will eventually come begging to come back to you.

I personally wouldn't take her back. Once trust is gone, you have nothing. If she is willing to leave the childten with you I would take them and seek full custody with visitation rights for her til she gets it together. I hope you have family and friends that can help you through this.

You are right about one thing, she is mentally unstable. Once the man tires of her, she could go in a desperate state which I would not want me or my kids around.

It is a very sad situation and I feel for you. I can feel through your words just how much you love your family. If you have a good relationship with God, you know His voice. Ask for wisdom and that He order your steps. Sometimes God has to close a door in your face so that you can step through the door He wants you to go through. I know some religions do not believe in divorce. Like I said I don't know what your faith is, but she obviously does not believe in the sanctity of marriage.

My best to you. But bottom line, it does not seem like PPD to me based on the information you gave. If you love somebody, set them free... You can't make her stay.


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First you need to understand what postpartum depression is and what it is not. You can find some handy information on PPD here http://www.kidsandmommies.com/2017/07/22/what-is-postpartum-depression-and-how-to-deal-with-it/.

In addition, there seems to be alot more happening at home since the 2nd baby came along. Since this is a hectic time for both of you and it seems you are the sober person at this time, it is wise if you take things slowly. Over time, things will unfold and get more clear. In the meantime, helping the lady to seek professional intervention is critical not just for herself, but also for the children.
 

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I have decided to go back home, for the kids. I told her I am there for the kids, and also for her. I told her we don't even have to talk, but I am there. I told her this and she was fine with it. I realize that the more I plead and beg and push her towards treatment, the more she pushes away. And I know she can't sell the house without my signature so that's not happening hopefully.

I have always treated her right. Tell her she's beautiful every day. Bring her flowers for no reason. Support her in her life endeavors. But yet I annoy her. She only seems to see the bad and negative with me.

What do I do? How can I get her to seek help and/or treatment? Am I wrong in thinking this is Post-Partum Depression? Could this be Psychosis? Could it be something else?

I'm a family man. I love the life we've built and know if and when we get through this, we will be stronger than ever. I cant lose my kids. My house. My wife. I cant have shared custody. I need my kids in my life everyday. Anyone with advice, similar stories, anything to help me help her would be deeply appreciated. Im desperate.

Thank you in advance.
~ A Desperate Man
If this is how you feel and you don't want a divorce why would you move out?
 
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