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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i feel so frustrated and as though i want to cry. my dh has been totally brainwashed by talking to "other ppl" and "everyone i talk to" telling him to let ds "cry it out" "get him out of your bed" etc. he is so convinced our ds is so attached to me bc he cosleeps and still nurses. ds is 20 months old and nurses at naptime, bedtime and several times at night.<br><br>
i just dont know what to do, i feel very passionately about child led weaning, and cosleeping, dh thinks i am choosing ds over him. i want to cry really!! anyone else dealt with this? i have read him tons of material but he just doesnt believe it and listens to everyone he talks to. ds is attached and becomes very distraught when the sleeping habits are not followed. i dont want to go against my instincts but i dont know what to do!!! help!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Can you have a heart to heart and ask him to provide some hard evidence backing up his position? Tell him you will listen, and expect he will read what you give him to read, but for the good of your baby you can't take the decision lightly. Sometimes sharing feelings and intuitions helps a lot too.<br><br>
Really do listen and try to hear where he is coming from. Perhaps he has some concerns that he can't quite verbalize or he is feeling left out or something else.<br><br>
Sorry...I think this must be really hard. I am so lucky in that dh suggested cosleeping to begin with. There is so much bad parenting advice out there--it's really crazy.
 

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I am so sorry you are going through this! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
My dp is kind of anti-co-sleeping/attachment parenting, and he hears a lot about CIO, etc. at work. It sounds like your dh is more adamant than my dp, but I have some idea of what you are going through.<br><br>
Dp basically makes me do all the nighttime parenting and much of the daytime parent when he's home because he thinks I am too indulgent. That, apparently, means that he can do almost nothing while I haul around a 20 pound baby, change all the diapers, keep her happy at whiny hour (dinner time), etc.<br><br>
He also vetoes certain sleeping arrangements making it more difficult to co-sleep comfortably.<br><br>
That said, I can usually talk him down when he is on a rant about something because he really is reasonable and open to learning about things he doesn't understand.<br><br>
I totally agree with the pp about really listening to what he has to say. It may help to ask him some questions to find out what he is actually worried about. I keep telling dp that babies who's parents respond quickly to their cries grow up to be more well-adjusted and independent, and he keeps saying "she'll have to learn sometime..." But there are calm moments when I can bring up the subject and really talk to him about what I believe and why and he will listen...mind you, I CANNOT do this in the moment when he is telling me how I should just let her cry.<br><br>
I know it is such a difficult balance to care for a child and care for a relationship at the same time. Keep working at it, mama; it is well worth the struggle!
 

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It sounds to me like your SO feels left out/jealous. It's not a good idea to leave these kinds of feelings buried, but talking about something so sensitive may not be the easiest thing for your SO, so I suggest you initiate some kind of conversation. How would you say is your SO's relationship with DS in general? Does he put effort into "mothering" him when it comes to other things besides co-sleeping and the nursing?
 

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My husband wanted our first child to go to her own bed, after hearing her cry... he gave in and let her sleep with us until she was big enough to decide to sleep on her own
 

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You're the mama. In the end, you have to do what is best for your baby. If he doesn't want to co-sleep and can't be reasoned with, you know, there's always the couch. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
Your DH is an adult. Your DS is still a baby. I don't think it's quite fair to make the toddler change his entire night time routine (a HUGE disruptment in his life) because an adult is jealous.
 

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I would put my foot down. I'd tell him that HE is welcome to sleep elsewhere. But the baby needs to be with mama. Baby's needs trump daddy's wants.<br><br>
-Angela
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
thanks so much for the feedback, we have had an ongoing convo about this all... i have showed him alot of research and he is more open although not sold on it.. in the mean time ds is sleeping right in between us... i am not at all backing down though!!! i think it has been this huge adjustment going from just the two of us all the time to having a high need baby boy around... and he is amazing with him in the day... dh is not at all resentful towards ds just talks to me about it... i still would love more comments!!! anything helps...
 

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This is one of those things that I put my foot down about. I told my DH that if he didn't want the babies in bed w/ us the HE got to get up and get the baby and HE had to put the baby back to the bed. I was NOT getting out of bed. It may sound harsh but thats what I did and it worked, he tired it for one night and said that I was right that we would all get more sleep w/ the baby in bed with us.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Going from just the 2 of you to a high needs baby is tough. Keep talking it out though and keep making sure he has some time even if its just a few mins a day.<br><br>
Good luck sweetie.
 

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My husband doesn't like co-sleeping either for a variety of reasons. So we tried other sleeping options and together discussed the real pros and cons of each, instead of just the theory. We actually did the crib in the room, the crib in his own room etc. After my husband watched me get up at night and be exhausted every morning, and saw how the sleeping arrangements impacted us, we talked about what might make it easier and came to the mutual agreement of co-sleeping as a temporary but more effective sleeping solution. It was our decision and didn't require reading tons of literature, as it just became the obvious easier solution. But I let it be our decision together and tried his way as well. Obviously to be fair to the baby, you have to do any change gradually, so we followed the "no cry sleep solution" suggestions. We spent about two months trying the other sleeping options. Honestly, the baby has been fine with all options, it's my sleeping that is saved by co-sleeping.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> i am in a similar boat to you...i too have a high need baby boy and my partner is of the 'he has to learn sometime' school of thinking...feels that he was left to cry as a baby and it 'had no impact on him'... (well.... i could say something about that...but i won't <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> )<br><br>
i think a lot of it is fear of how far it wil go and how long it'll go on for...he can tolerate a young baby in the bed temporarily for me to get some sleep (which with 1-2 hourly wakings is a hell of a lot easier in one bed together) but he can't stand the idea of a toddler in the bed...and feels the 'marriage bed' is sacrosanct. Just an idea of some of the things that can be going through the other half's head...<br><br>
I have been taking the angle of 'my way or the highway' to some extent bc i too feel baby's needs are paramount, BUT we recently had a big discussion where he shared he was feeling completely without a say in our parenting and i realised i've been overdoing it. SO...we are working on solutions together and trying different things. but it is hard when you are firmly AP and your partner doesnt quite get it, and has lots of people from the sounds of it, talking the opposite in his ear. YOu are not alone, mama! I go to a breastfeeding drop in where many moms are pro co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding, baby wearing etc and it saves my sanity..otherwise i'd feel truly alone as all our relatives etc are pretty 'old school'..<br><br>
good luck! keep talking ...sounds like you're making some headway. He won't be converted overnight but maybe (let's hope) experience will prove your points...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamafirst</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10734487"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">thanks so much for the feedback, we have had an ongoing convo about this all... i have showed him alot of research and he is more open although not sold on it.. in the mean time ds is sleeping right in between us... i am not at all backing down though!!! i think it has been this huge adjustment going from just the two of us all the time to having a high need baby boy around... and he is amazing with him in the day... dh is not at all resentful towards ds just talks to me about it... i still would love more comments!!! anything helps...</div>
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Glad to hear things are going better. My DH wasn't wild about cosleeping and would talk about CIO from time to time. You know what changed his mind-a silly video on CIO over at babycenter. Basically it showed CIO, not working, the parents are sorta frazzled, etc. Yet, the cosleeping one..everyone was happy. After I showed him that, it all sorta clicked for him. The balance is SO hard. Something else for us that is working well, is that we make sure we have 10 minutes each day to talk. Most days, its when DH is coming home. I really find carving out this time to catch up, helps with the balance.<br>
Hope this helps a bit...
 
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