[nannymom]

My Dh is a great dad. He tries to be helpful w/ dd and the house. The problem is when he takes the baby so I can get ready he follows me around when she starts to cry

: This morning I locked the bathroom door so, he wouldn't bring her in and sure enough I hear turn turn "hey did you know this is locked" Then I go in to the bedroom to get dressed and I shut the door 2 seconds later there they are

:

: Plus he does this thing when she's crying where he lays her down and talks to her but it makes her go nuts. The last thing she wants is to be set down. However, i never say anything b/c they need to work out between the two of them how he comforts her.

Back to the point- If I wanted to listen to her cry while I get ready i could do with out him and he could just go onto work. He also has a tendency to follow me around with her at night when I'm trying to take a break.Like i'll go to use the computer and he'll come in and play with her on the floor beside me.

I've tried telling him how much this bugs me but it hurts his feelings or results in a fight.He is one to do a lot of things that he thinks are helpful that aren't and then feel really persicuted when I ask him to try doing something differntly.

 

[MaryLang]

I'm sorry your having such a frustrating time, my dh used to do the same thing. I think for him at least, it was because he was uncomfortable and didn't know what to do with dd. As simple as it sounds to us being moms, sometimes guys don't catch on and we just have to give them lots of time to learn their own parenting style. Now that we have #2, he is a lot more at ease, because there just isn't really a lot of time at home when I can be at his side showing him what to do. I know it seems like they are doing this on purpose to annoy us (making the baby cry, ect...) I really don't think thats the case. I think it just take them a while to figure it out, give him time and be supportive about his role as a father. My new favorite saying is that- He's a good father, but is a sucky mom.

 

[Goldenlover]

i am sorry he does this

thankfully my hubby doesn't

 

[lisalou]

Dh used to do that a little. It's really the only drawback to breastfeeding. If he was taking care of her so I could cook dinner as soon as she cried he'd bring her in and tell me she was hungry. It took a lot of patience for him to come to realize that when she cried it wasn't always b/c she was hungry.

Have you tried leaving him alone in the house with her for any period of time? Maybe not having you there for a bit would help him come to realize he can take care of her on his own and thus leave you alone when you need some time. I've also had talks with dh just explaining sometimes I need some time to myself and getting dressed goes a lot faster if I can do it on my own without anyone around. (or whatever task you're doing) And that means occupying dd in another room not in the same room I'm in. Maybe if he builds confidence in being by himself with her and sees that it does take less time or how happy you are after having those precious moments, it will become easier for him.

One more thought my dh due to his parents' is very touchy when it comes to trying to explain how he might do things. (long backstory) So I can't just say, "don't put her on the bed, please hold her, she'll cry less." We try to have conversations on a semi-regular basis about what we've each noticed about dd. I try to start it by asking for his advice about something, like he gives her her bath so if I know he won't be able to soon, I"ll ask what routine he uses and what she likes. Or I'll say, "I notice she really seems to love "Charlie Parked Play BeBop." And that can lead to discussion of books she likes and then to ways to distract her when she's upset about something. It makes it seem more like a team discussion then me assuming I know everything about dd and tell him what to do. (never my intention but always how he takes it) Admittendly I started doing this to sort of give him tips about how to distract her so I could have some alone time but they've become very good conversations b/c he notices things I don't, has developed tricks I've never thought of so it's really an exchange of info.

 

[MamaWindmill]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nannymom My Dh is a great dad. He tries to be helpful w/ dd and the house. The problem is when he takes the baby so I can get ready he follows me around when she starts to cry :

Sounds to me like he's very insecure about his parenting abilities, and sticks close to you because he figures you know what you're doing! Try not to be too rough on him - from your sig it looks like you're first time parents, and the first one is definitely the scariest. Instead of getting mad that he follows you around, maybe you could try some uplifiting statements instead - like "Iris can't wait to be with Daddy!" and "Iris, you've been waiting all day for some Daddy time, and here he is! Yay!" Or "Honey, you're doing a great job with her. Let me have a couple of minutes to myself to get ready, and then I'll take over." Like I said, try to cut the guy some slack - you said he's a great guy, it sounds like he's just nervous and feels out of his depth. He wouldn't be the first new father to feel that way, or the last!

Good luck!

 

[Storm Bride]

I don't know from your post if you're a stay-at-home mom. If so, I'd make a point of saying, when you hand him the baby, "could you just hold onto her for five minutes, while I change/use the bathroom?" or something like that. Then, add that you're with her all day and just need a couple of minutes away from her while you do things that people are used to privacy for. (But, if you do this, try to make sure you're not any longer than you say you'll be, or he'll become more and more resistant.) Maybe he doesn't realize how distracting it can be to have a baby around while you're sitting on the toilet - dd comes into the bathroom with me sometimes, and I really do prefer to be alone for that! Anyway...I really don't have any helpful advice, but good luck. I can imagine this must be very frustrating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nannymom I've tried telling him how much this bugs me but it hurts his feelings or results in a fight.He is one to do a lot of things that he thinks are helpful that aren't and then feel really persicuted when I ask him to try doing something differntly.

This part worries me. People who feel persecuted when their help is poorly received are missing the point. If you're doing something to "help" that you've already been told doesn't help, then you're not doing something for the other person at all. I'd like to know what his motivations are here...because I don't think helping you is the real focus. If it were, he'd be more reasonable about not doing things that don't help.

 

[yaM yaM]

*

 

[stafl]

When our first was a baby, my DH was also really insecure in his parenting, refused to make any decisions, etc etc etc. sounded a lot like what you describe in the OP. I don't remember when it happened, but one day I suddenly realized the problem was ME, not him! I was too bossy, always telling him exactly what to do and how to do it. I didn't have any faith in his parenting abilities, so he didn't have any confidence in himself either. It was a repeat of his parents' relationship, and I knew good and well I didn't want to be MIL. FIL never had any say-so when it came to their kids, he never made any parenting decisions, I doubt he ever changed a diaper. I know for a fact that he never held a newborn and still to this day is only comfortable with the grandkids when they are big enough to climb up on his lap on their own. I had to step back, I had to let DH make some decisions, and mistakes, on his own. It was really hard for me to do that, I can be a control freak when it comes to certain issues, but it really made a huge difference in our household when I let go of the reins and let him parent in his own way, even when I disagreed with him. Now he's not afraid to go ahead and feed the baby when she's hungry or change her diaper when it's wet, doesn't even have to ask me first! It's great!

 

[lisalou]

That's funny for my dh I dont' look at it as a masculinity issue but I blame his parents and I even like my ILs. But when he was younger he'd wash dishes and at various times during the process one parent would come and give unsolicited advice about how he was washing dishes the wrong way then the other would come in afterwards and give contradictory advice. I see them do things like this even now and his mother is extremely passive-agressive. She wants you to arrive at the same conclusion/solution she has without her actually having to tell you what it is.

It can be a rather frustrating thing for me to deal with b/c if he's feeling the slightest bit insecure about doing something any advice I offer is immediately taken as me trying to control him and tell him what to do. In my family we give advice and if the other thinks they're insane they're told they're insane. But that was never allowed in dh's family. So I've learned to leave him alone for certain things. Others I try to phrase things differently. He has gotten better but occasionally I do need to remind him I'm not his mother.

 

[akmbloom]

My DH does similar things - and I find that I sort of encourage it without meaning to - he is very sensitive and often perceives advice as "criticism" so I try to do what the PP said, have conversations about what I've noticed about her on a regular basis. He's discovered some soothing techniques on his own, like what we call "extreme rocking" in the rocking chair, but he doesn't always do what I know will comfort her. He also seems to not be able to "read" her cues as well as I can, or is insecure about it, always saying, "is she hungry? why is she fussing?" when I can definitely tell that she's doing the hungry cry. He also seems to think that every fussy time or crying spell is for a reason that can be solved when she just occasionally does what every baby does and fusses....

 

[nannymom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisalou That's funny for my dh I dont' look at it as a masculinity issue but I blame his parents and I even like my ILs. But when he was younger he'd wash dishes and at various times during the process one parent would come and give unsolicited advice about how he was washing dishes the wrong way then the other would come in afterwards and give contradictory advice. I see them do things like this even now and his mother is extremely passive-agressive. She wants you to arrive at the same conclusion/solution she has without her actually having to tell you what it is. It can be a rather frustrating thing for me to deal with b/c if he's feeling the slightest bit insecure about doing something any advice I offer is immediately taken as me trying to control him and tell him what to do. In my family we give advice and if the other thinks they're insane they're told they're insane. But that was never allowed in dh's family. So I've learned to leave him alone for certain things. Others I try to phrase things differently. He has gotten better but occasionally I do need to remind him I'm not his mother.

This is a total light bulb moment for me! I bet this has a lot to do with my Dh's issues too. My MIL is a word you can't say or imply at mothering. :LOL

 

[eightyferrettoes]

Here's what I did:
I'd give your husband the babe an evening a week and say, "I gotta run to get a haircut... buy some groceries... go to school... visit my dying aunt" and then STAY GONE for an hour or two. Don't even hover, leave instructions, call while you're out, look anxious, or hesitate at the doorway.

Sink or swim! Isn't that how you learned to read your DD? He'll figure out stuff that works for them, and as long as she's been fed right before you flee the scene, she won't starve. It shows him that you're confident in his fathering skills, and gives you a little sanity during the week.

I'm not sure how "AP" this practice is, but stay at home moms NEED a break, too!

 

[Storm Bride]

Quote:

Originally Posted by May May I've often wondererd about this very thing. It SEEMS like the above logic is perfectly reasonable (I've thought of it myself), but then, I've heard my dh say that it has to do with his masculinity for him; being able to meet my needs without having them spelled out for him is something that's really important to him --

I guess that I see helping me as being about what I need, not about what he needs. If his "masculinity" is more important than actually helping, then he can just leave me be. I'd rather get by on my own than feel obliged to accept "help" that's anything but helpful.

On the other hand, I probably have a skewed perspective on these issues. My ex-husband was about as emotionally manipulative as it gets. He played ever card you can imagine...the pity card, the guilt card, the shame card...he worked the areas where I lacked confidence, tried to make me totally dependent on him (a neat trick when I was doing everything at home and bringing in most of the income) - you name it, he tried it. And, one of the things he used to do was to make me the bad guy when he did something that I'd already told him I didn't like - all in the name of "trying to help". The OP's dh may not be like this at all, but it's what I see because it's what I lived with...