[ejmom777]

:

Hello

Im new & love this website. So many intelligent mommas.

I am a SAHM to a precious little 8 mo. old DS - Elijah. I'm learning the AP way.
It's sad that we have to filter through what society instills in our heads (cold distant mean CIO methods) to be able to "learn" how to be in tuned with our natural instincts and babies needs.
Well before I ask my question let me give some info.
We BF on demand and Cosleep. I had a natural birth & didnt get ds vaxd. He is a very healthy baby. Never been sick..Knock on Wood.
My problem is I have been giving him mixed signals since he was born.

My parents have been supportive about the BF. But In laws have been so critical. They were strictly opposed by the idea. Now they have had to accept it. but They say things like.. "I can't believe you haven't started that boy on meat and potatoes yet." " you're depriving him" "Our son should get to feed his son if he wants to." etc.
But anyway thats beside the point.
Every1.. My parents, my sister, the in laws, DH, neighbors, strangers, etc... have criticized my parenting. They say " You still nurse him to sleep? He Sleeps WITH YOU? You feed him too much. You should let him CIO.. you've got other things that need to be done. You Hold him too much. You're spoiling him." At the time I didn't know any better. I thought they were right. So i started refusing DS when he needed me. And compromising my own intelligence/ instinct. I would here there advice/criticizing in the back of my head when my baby started to need me. I often would let DS cry in his soother while I would clean or take a shower (he was always right at the doorway so I could see him and play peekaboo with him). Alot of times when I couldn't calm him by smiling at him or talking .. I would just let him CIO. Which eventually he would fall asleep or I would pick him up. I occasionally refused to nurse him to sleep. (I would have DH try to put him to sleep while DS cried for me) I would occationally refuse him night feedings. Let him squirm & cry back to sleep while I laid next to him. I want to cry thinking about it.

I almost started to teach him to sleep in his crib.. but realized that wouldnt work because he's still BFing. Basically I let them get to me. I believed all that mess. I also wish I had known about the sling

: earlier. I am buying one today. I hold him alot right now. Before though ..I had a bjorn (he's too big for now) & used it occasionally when I needed to get housework done or sometimes at the store etc. Other times I put him in the stroller when we were out. If he cried I always took him out & held him. I didn't blame him for not wanting to be in there.
I haven't read any AP books yet. Only articles about the damaging effects of the CIO & mainstream methods. I previewed an AP book by Katie ? on Amazon.com. Which one is the best?

Here's my main Q:
How often should I wear my ds? How often should I encourage play/explore time? Should I ever let my ds cry? For ex: when I need to get in the shower, blow dry my hair, put on make-up, clean bathrooms.. or other things that couldnt included wearing him. As of now I am waiting till he naps. Which he does once or twice a day. Today I havent showered.. because when I would get him to sleep.. he would wake up & cry when I would try to put him in his playpen. I don't want him to cry. Am I being too extreme?

I figured someone here probably has some good methods they use to balance out there baby & housework etc. Most of the time he hates his playpen and starts to cry after a few min. of being in. He likes to play by himself alot in the living room w/ his toys (cant watch him in there when im in the shower). Also it seems the more I hold him the more he wants to be held. I dont want to spoil him but I don't want to damage him either. Im confused.

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Thank you all for taking the time to read.

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[eloquence]

What a wonderful mama you are. Many of us have been through what you have. Ignore what anyone else says and trust your mama heart.

Play with your children when you want to, wear them, hold them, love them and let your house be messy.

Oh and shower? What is that?

 

[MamaTaraX]

Welcome to mDC!! Your post will probably get moved, don't be surprised if it does

You are an awesome mama for doing what's best for your wee one. What's important is that even though you tried to do things that were against your instincts, you realized it and no longer wish to do so. So many people do things that they are told (CIO, spanking, force-feeding non-ready babies, etc etc) and they feel inside that it's wrong and against their instints, but they sqaush those feelings and continue to do them. You are chosing to remember those instincts and get back to them! To answer some of your questions/concerns:

Quote:

How often should I wear my ds?

As often as you are comfortable with. I wear or carry my kids (as babies) pretty much all day long. If you're not in pain (back, hip, what have you), there's no reason to not carry them all day. Unless you are really uncomfortable doing so.

Quote:

How often should I encourage play/explore time?

Your little one is big enough now that he will tell you when he wants to be down and exploring. Just make sure he has a safe environment in which to learn and explore. When he needs a little recharge, I call it "a mama moment", he'll crawl/roll/or otherwise get to you. THat's when you can hold, nurse, and love on your baby. Soon he'll scurry off to explore some more until he's tired or bored.

Quote:

Should I ever let my ds cry? For ex: when I need to get in the shower, blow dry my hair, put on make-up, clean bathrooms.. or other things that couldnt included wearing him. As of now I am waiting till he naps. Which he does once or twice a day. Today I havent showered.. because when I would get him to sleep.. he would wake up & cry when I would try to put him in his playpen. I don't want him to cry.

I don't blow-dry my hair or put on make-up, so I can't tell you about those things

The vast majority of things can wait! If baby is crying, he's expressing his needs the way he knows how. So I tend to the need and get back to what I'm doing. It's a little harder for me because I have more than one and sometimes, one of them has to cry before I can get to them because I'm with another. Since you just have one though, it'll be much easier for you to figure out why he's upset and fix it. Your baby'll love you with no make-up and wet hair and a dirty bathroom, I promise

(mine do!)

Quote:

Am I being too extreme?

Nah. You're a new, first-time mama! You have valid worries and concerns. You're just fine

Including your ltitle one in your day is really easy and fun for both of you, so don't ever feel bad about having him sit at your feet while you read or sew or cook or whatever it is that you are doing. Babies wnat to be part of our days. Safe environment to learn in, lots of love to be bathed in, and you're set!

Namaste, Tara

 

[ejmom777]

:

Thank you both so much

I feel much better. Great advice. I really appreciate it.
I'm thankful to have found MDC!

 

[mommajb]

NAK here so I won't be long...

Listen to your heart and listen to your baby. You know what is best for your family.

As to AP books, our local LLL group has a couple in their library including quite a few by Dr Sears and family.

A friend of mine has a mesh sling for in the pool. If you wanted it would prob work in the shower too or bathe with him.

It is so hard to find the right balance for our lives but it is where we are happy and comfortable. Keep listening to your instincts. Hope this helps and hugs to you for loving our little one day and night.

 

[LolaK]

Got to be quick but just wanted to say don't let your in-laws or your parents bully you. Find some support in real life from a La Leche League group or Attachment Parenting goup:

www.lllusa.org

http://www.attachmentparenting.com/groups.shtml

In terms of how much to wear your baby - as much as you and he want. Becuase he is a bit older you might want to get a mei tei or wrap instead of a sling, much easier to clean in. Check out the babywearing forum for some great brands but here are a couple to get you started:

www.kozycarrier.com

www.didymos.com

You never need to let your baby cry to teach them anything. Crying doesn't teach a baby, it forces them to shut down their natural communication mechanism and withdraw. If you need time to take a shower you might get a clear shower curtain and try putting a baby seat right next to the shower. That way you can sing to baby and baby can see you. You can also just bath with baby in the tub or wait until your husband gets home to shower. Being a mom also means that you don't always get to dry your hair and put on makeup, try to simplify your routine so that you don't need as much time but still feel good about yourself. In my opinion looking good is not worth it if my baby has to cry!

Not sure about good books, I haven't really read any parenting books but I am sure some others will come along with great recs. Another great site for info to give to the skeptics is www.kellymom.com.

Housework just isn't as important as your baby either so can you have your husband take over some of the housework, if he hasn't already. Otherwise you might just readjust your expectations of how much housework you can get done.

 

[wsgrl84]

Hi new mama, I was thankful too for finding MDC back when my DS was younger. These mamas are great!

I was new to AP before too and what I have learned over the past months was that our babies don't come with a guide or books or anything but our mother's instincts.

SO yes just listen to your heart and your baby. If you feel bad for letting CIO, then don't do it. There's going to be a lot more choices you have to make in the future, you know whats best for your baby and yourself, no one else can tell you how to raise your child! You can always listen to stories, suggestions and advise but don't follow them unless its comfortable for you.

How often should I wear my ds?
I stopped babywearing my DS (almost 1 year now) since he was 7 months, because he was getting too heavy for me and because he just wanted to get down and play around. I do carry him him a lot during the day, whenever my back doesn't hurt! When I did wear DS, I wore him whenever I went outside and whenever he napped at home! (He loved it and so did I)
How often should I encourage play/explore time?
I encouraged play time all the time because my DS loves to walk everywhere and touch everything. I definitely believe playtime makes smarter babies, so I let him play around wherever and whenever he's not tired/cranky.
Should I ever let my ds cry? For ex: when I need to get in the shower, blow dry my hair, put on make-up, clean bathrooms.. or other things that couldnt included wearing him. As of now I am waiting till he naps. Which he does once or twice a day. Today I havent showered.. because when I would get him to sleep.. he would wake up & cry when I would try to put him in his playpen. I don't want him to cry.
I do everything I want to do for myself when DS is asleep or in a good mood to play by himself. Yes there are things you can wait once you are a mom, but you also have to take care of yourself first. A happy mommy equals a happy baby!=)
Am I being too extreme?
No you are not extreme, there were days I wanted to CIO before too, one night of crying for 20 min is not going to hurt your baby, they won't remember you did that to them.

Good Luck!

 

[charmander]

You sound like a fabulous mama! If I were you, I would just not discuss anything about my parenting with the inlaws, neighbors, etc....just smile sweetly and say "That's is our decision and it works fine for us." or something like that to indicate that it is not a topic for discussion, nor do you want their input.

I can't believe your inlaws would be against BF!!

 

[lillake]

I just wanted to share this poem I read a while back, I think all first time moms should have a copy for when people start telling them to put their babies down and do something else.

Mother, of Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockabye, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

-- Author Unknown

 

[ejmom777]

Thank You All So Much

It's so refreshing to here from intellegent mammas with such great support and advise.
Thanks for the links too.

can't wait to check them out.

I Love the poem thank you

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to Elijah

:born 12/2/05 same Bday as dad

 

[Linda on the move]

so many nice replies already!

I think that you should wear him as long as is comfortable for you and he likes it. He will want down sometimes, too. Rather than seeing your time divided between being with him VS the other things you need to do, try to brain storm for ways for you to get the things done you need to while he is present. For example, using natural cleaners in the bathroom make it safer for a baby to be in the room, and sitting him down in the hallway right outside the door (with the door open!) with some stacking cups or other small toys might help him be happy, be close to you, and let you do what you need to.

 

[vermonttaylors]

You sound like the best kind of mama there is! One who wants to learn more to be a loving, attached mother. And your instincts for mothering are right on!

(In my opinion.)

I agree with a previous post that said you just shouldn't discuss it with either side of the family. It's not their business. This is your child and if you and dh are happy with how things are going, then that's all you need to know. Families, even well-meaning ones, will drive you crazy with their advice about what you "should" be doing!

May I suggest the ERGO baby carrier to you. I find that wearing my kids on my back when I am cooking or cleaning is fun for them, they feel connected, but they can't reach their little hands out and grab a knife or touch a hot pan. Also, it is very comfortable.

If I am simply puttering around the house, I will often use a Maya Wrap sling for wearing whichever one wants to be held on my hip. That way I can look them in the eye and whisper and nuzzle them.

If they both want to be held, then I know it is time to stop whatever I am doing and focus on them completely. We sit and snuggle, or read or even wrestle. Then before I know it, they are recharged and off playing on their own again.

YOU CANNOT SPOIL A CHILD BY HOLDING THEM TOO MUCH! YOU CAN NEVER LOVE A CHILD TOO MUCH!

You just keep doing what you are doing and learning more about AP.

We are here for you for support when you need it!