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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We are planning on TTC this coming summer. I had a c-section with my first, after 24 hours of labor and him getting stuck posterior (in hindsight I think I could have prevented that...but now I know going forward what steps I can take).<br><br>
Anyway...the person who is fighting me on wanting a VBAC, of all people, is my husband. He keeps saying "don't you remember how hard labor was, and how glad you were once you had the c-section?". His other comment is that he doesn't want "things to get all messed up down there".<br><br>
I am so upset by this. The one person who should be supporting me the most is the ONLY person who is fighting me on this. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
Can you maybe point me in the direction of some VBAC vs. repeat cesarian resources? Or, just offer me some ways to persuede him?<br><br>
This is just so frustrating to me. All I could come back at him with, this morning, was "it's my body and my birth....I'll do it the way that I want".
 

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I am so sorry for this. It sounds like he is trying to protect you, and through his eyes your labor was the difficult part, not the c-section.<br><a href="http://www.childbirthconnection.org" target="_blank">http://www.childbirthconnection.org</a><br>
- this site has a good breakdown of vbac vs. erc<br><a href="http://www.ican-online.org" target="_blank">www.ican-online.org</a> should have some good information as well.<br><br>
I am fighting my husband on HBAC vs. VBAC in the hospital. I have finally gotten to the point where I have just told him "This is what we are doing, get used to it." I was a big proponent of the "But it is his baby too." thought which is why I had a CNM/hospital instead of an LM/home birth planned the first time, which ultimately led to me having an unnecessary c-section (coerced scheduled for "big baby"). This time I have learned that while it is his baby too, he isn't the one who has to go through being cut open, recovering from major abdominal surgery for six months, or the mental aftermath (which for me was terrible) of a c-section. So I am going to do what I feel is best to avoid that (a homebirth) for myself this time.<br><br>
Oh, and another way I got him more on board was to get more "extreme" in the plans I was willing to consider for us. He was all against travelling three hours to rent a house to have an HBAC with the closest legal HBAC midwife (the ones in town don't do them). However, after I started talking about going unassisted, or finding an underground "illegal" midwife to attend me, he started asking "But, but, but what about the HBAC with the midwife three hours away?" That worked for us, I don't know if it will work for others.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Kristen....you think like I do....LOL. After years of various battles with my husband (over too many things to count), I'm learning how to get what I want.<br><br>
This one just has me stumped. I will definitely look at the links you sent. I truly appreciate it!
 

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How frustrating! I think I'd probably remind my husband of two things:<br>
1. Remember how awful the recovery was from a c-section? Remind him that you won't even be able to pick up your older child or drive a car! Contrast that to recovery from a vaginal birth. (I just ran into a mom at church last Sunday who had brought her 3-day old baby with her because she was feeling so great! That would *never* happen after a c/s.)<br><br>
2. Tell him that this is what you want to do, show him the data that it's safe and very likely successful, and tell him that it's important to you that he be supportive of your decision even if he disagrees with it. (it's the whole, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" thing). For me at least, I *rarely* lay down the law like this with my husband, so when I do he knows I mean business and he lets it go.
 

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First off, I'm totally with you. It sounds like he's scared, though. He can definitely come around, but he's going to have to work through his issues, which means you have to take them seriously.<br><br>
Have you read "Birthing from Within"? It is a great book for working through fears about birth, and it's very respectful of the partner's experience.<br><br>
It sounds like he felt powerless and fearful last time, and it was a relief to have the doctors take over. I think many men feel this way.<br><br>
As far as getting "messed up down there" I'm not sure what he specifically means. There are lots of steps you can take to avoid episiotomy/tearing, and I'm sure you'll be just as motivated as him. It's certainly no reason to go through major surgery instead. (Does he even know the common long-term problems associated with uterine surgery?)<br><br>
If you get down to the wire and he's still unsupportive, you can hire a doula and lean on her. Yes it's his baby too, but VBAC is the safer choice for both of you in most circumstances. He doesn't get to veto your decision on this one, espcially not for such illogical reasons.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Sorry....I don't know how to multi-quote, so bear with me.<br><br><b><i>"First off, I'm totally with you. It sounds like he's scared, though. "</i></b><br>
I think that is part of it, but I can never get the man to admit that he has an emotion called "fear".<br><br><b><i>"It sounds like he felt powerless and fearful last time, and it was a relief to have the doctors take over. I think many men feel this way. "</i></b><br><br>
That is probably also a huge part of it...He is the type of person who never wants to feel out of "control". I think he didn't like not being able to help me, and most likely doesn't want to see me in that type of pain again.<br><br><b><i>"As far as getting "messed up down there" I'm not sure what he specifically means."</i></b><br>
He assumes I am going to be all stretched out for the rest of my life. From what I understand, the vagina goes back to normal after a while. Am I correct?
 

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I am sorry your DH isn't being supportive. I can imagine how it must be hard for the men to understand how we feel since they can't physically experience birth. But just remember that it IS your body and your decision. Do not let his hesitation let you second guess yourself. VBAC is the safer option for both you and your baby. The previous posters have provided some good links for you and my best advice would be to just throw lots of statistics and research at your DH and hopefully in learning more about VBACs and how safe they really are, he will start to become more accepting of your decision and less scared. Good luck!
 

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Poor husbands...they really can feel on the outside of all this - out of control, frightened and misguided too...they trust the doctors, because they are like all of us - in'doc'trinated to believe whatever we are told - and frightened to look pushy or crazy to stand up for ourselves.<br><br>
As for being 'messed up down there' ...I'm gonna give your dh the benefit of the doubt that he's not a total neanderthal <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> and maybe just remind him that birth is what 'it' is for. 'It' will survive, and !!! I felt so much more empowered with respect to my femaleness after having a VBAC - more loving to my vagina and all its folds and all its strength, more alive and more in touch and more womanly and sexy - and that has made 'it' and sex so much better for both of us! Hurrah for vaginas!<br><br>
Also, I had a pretty scary VBAC because I had IUGR (supposedly) and low fluid (supposedly) and high resistanc ein the umbilical cord (supposedly) and it led to a very stressful labour in a hospital after 12 hours of 3 minute apart contractions I rrequested an epidural and FIVE hours later it arrived. Needless to say, those five hours were very hard on my dh, because he was waitng with his hands tied to get me some relief and I was panicking and screaming <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"> and with this pregnancy he is wondering - omigoodness how are we gonna get through this without all the chaos?<br><br>
We got a book from the library called 'The Doula Book' and it offered a lot of insight into claming techniques and the power of the husband and the doula and dh and I really talked about having like a physical list of things to try to do so that he had lots of resources at his disposal to help me, and so that he wouldn't feel helpless...he'll need two lists: 1) of helping techniques and 2) of things to <i>not let other people bully us</i> into. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
My point is, that even when dhs are very supportive of VBAC I think labour and delivery (vaginal) is much more stressful for them (in general) because it can seem less controlled than a c-section. Unless of course, you happen to be like my mother who had a four hour labour and with two little squeks popped out a baby. Some people are just lucky and some people have very amazing body and voice and self control - not me. LOL. I'm a screamer. BUT. My dh <i>knows</i> what a difference the VBAC made for me mentally: my mothering ability and faith in myself, my self esteem, my pride...I call it my rebirth. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb">:
 

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Maternal mortality is 3x as high with surgical birth than vaginal birth. (Yeah, it's super-low in both cases... but still.)<br><br>
How messed up is "it" going to be down there if you die from the surgery? :-/ Ask him that.<br><br>
Also... dunno about anyone else... but I remember going to my six-week checkup after my c-section and being "cleared" for, er, pelvic activity. And I couldn't IMAGINE DTD that soon after my surgery! I think it took us a good three months to try it again. Not to mention, given that the body doesn't *know* that it's not supposed to "tighten things back up" after a surgical birth, intercourse has been more likely to be painful for me all this time. It's not uncommon for c-sections to screw up a couple's sex life a lot more than a vaginal birth does.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ironica</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10744386"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Also... dunno about anyone else... but I remember going to my six-week checkup after my c-section and being "cleared" for, er, pelvic activity. And I couldn't IMAGINE DTD that soon after my surgery! I think it took us a good three months to try it again. Not to mention, given that the body doesn't *know* that it's not supposed to "tighten things back up" after a surgical birth, intercourse has been more likely to be painful for me all this time. It's not uncommon for c-sections to screw up a couple's sex life a lot more than a vaginal birth does.</div>
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It took me about six months after my c-section. About the time for the scar to quit hurting so much. Even then, I was so terrified of getting pregnant before I was ready, I wasn't that into it. It has only been since we have been talking about another that I am more into our sex life (DH has been so patient with me!)
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You are all making me feel a lot better. I have also been asking friends, who have delivered naturally, what their experiences have been (as far as recovery and physical/anotomical differences). I think that, although I was not devestated that my son's birth ended up being via c-section, I will feel much happier if I can indeed deliver my second naturally (again, once I am pregnant).
 

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My DH was also unsupportive of my VBAC during my pregnancy. He was frightened and traumatized by my emergency c/s and kept saying that the baby and I would die in childbirth. I went ahead and planned my VBAC anyway: I found a wonderful doula with personal and professional experience with VBACs, I studied birth hypnosis, went to prenatal yoga, etc. By the time I went into labor spontaneously, DH had calmed down a bit, and by the time I was pushing, he was cheering. He still talks about the moment our baby was born, how powerful it was for him. He even encourages co-workers totry for VBACs now. Maybe your DH needs some space to think about this, too. Make your plans so that he has emotional support, too.
 
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