[mermaidmama]

My sister has anger issues. It's like you have to tiptoe around her or she blows up. One thing that has been triggering her anger is when I ask her not to do something around my 9 month old child. My child doesn't see her but maybe once a month so, sometimes when she walks up to him he gets fussy. My sister will say things along the lines of "He doesn't like me." "What a little p*ssy." etc. And lately, If he continues to fuss at her she will get in his face and clench her hands and teeth and say things along the lines of "omg, f***ing get over it!" And laughs. I tell her not to cuss in front of him, not to show aggression like that at him etc. I don't say it in a lecturing or demeaning way. And yet, she flips out. She says he doesnt understand her words, hes a baby DUH! And she is just "joking" with him. I tell her that just because he doesn't understand what she is saying, he will someday and he does understand the tone and body language. What did she say to that? She rolled her eyes and started smiling and talking in a high pitched baby voice like you would to a dog and continued to say more of the same c**p to him.
She also says "he's going to learn it someday". I said "doesn't mean he needs to now." The more I tell her to stop or explain why to her, the more angry she gets.
Even though she says she is "joking" and she is nice to him the majority of the time and says she loves him, she still finds the need to do this. She would rather fight with me and jeopardize our relationship than stop the behavior. Not only that but, my mom doesn't back me up. Instead she says, "go talk to her" , "she had a bad week" , "maybe she felt like you lectured her", "don't fight...it's easter".
Come to find out, she is putting me down and mocking me as a "d**n overzealous new parent" on myspace. What do you think of this? What should I do?

 

[just_lily]

My question is why exactly do you want to continue a relationship with her if this is how she behaves?

I would call her up, and tell her very calmly that you will no longer tolerate that behaviour around your child, so if she wants to see him she will need to cut it out. Then stick to that. Take your kid and leave.

Your mom probably doesn't want to be in the middle. Try not to put her in that position.

I expect we will eventually have similiar issues with my BIL at some point. He has two step-kids that he likes to "tease" all the time. But he says some pretty mean things to them... and thinks it is funny. The kids usually laugh, but I wonder how much it really effects them. I certainly won't tolerate that kind of "teasing" being directed at my child.

Good luck!

 

[mermaidmama]

Not seeing her would mean not seeing the rest of my family.

 

[sapientia]

Then don't engage her at all, be civil, keep your child in arms and keep some major boundaries. If there is any sort of kick up or nastiness on your sister's part then calmly remove yourself from the situation and explain to your mother that you won't be around violence and obvious meanness. Then leave. You can't let your child be treated that way, so remove yourself.

That is what I had to do when my brother was the same way at family get togethers. We usually go for the get togethers but he and mom learned a long time ago that I will immediately leave with no questions if he turns nasty on me or mine. It took only two holidays where I simply walked out for things to change, and this with my mom always siding with my brother over me.
Protecting your child is mandatory over your sister or mom's comfort.

s

 

[LynnS6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by just_lily I would call her up, and tell her very calmly that you will no longer tolerate that behaviour around your child, so if she wants to see him she will need to cut it out. Then stick to that. Take your kid and leave. Your mom probably doesn't want to be in the middle. Try not to put her in that position.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sapientia Then don't engage her at all, be civil, keep your child in arms and keep some major boundaries. If there is any sort of kick up or nastiness on your sister's part then calmly remove yourself from the situation and explain to your mother that you won't be around violence and obvious meanness. Then leave. You can't let your child be treated that way, so remove yourself.

You don't need to be nasty about it. You don't need to start a fight. But you do need to stick up for your son.

You're also not responsible for your sister's feelings. It's HER issue that she's feeling left out, and she's behaving like a spoiled 12 year old. Quit reading her myspace page. Be cordial and polite.

 

[betsyj]

I suppose you could argue your son doesn't understand her hateful behavior now. I don't agree but lets say he doesn't get it. YET. Do you think she is going to get any nicer to your son when he is old enough to understand her nasty comments and behavior?

Doesn't sound like it from here. And because of that I guess I don't feel you are stuck. I tihnk you know what you need to do and I am very sorry your Mom isn't siupportive. To me it isn't about your Mom being in the middle of some minor sisterly dispute. This is about one sister being mean to your baby and your Mom should understand and support you in ending this behavior.

 

[TinkerBelle]

Your mother would pick your nasty sister over an innocent little baby?

I am sorry to be harsh, but this would be a hill to die on, for me. I would risk not seeing the rest of the family, than have someone torment my child, or say bad things to him/her. Your mother needs to take off the blinders and demand that your sister knock it off, or she isn't welcome.

 

[mermaidmama]

Thank you for the replies. I really appreciate the advice. I will try the boundaries suggested and leave when she gets mean. Hopefully, she will stop.

 

[Lindsay1234]

My brother (who had JUST enlisted in the ARMY) did the SAME thing when dd1 was little except he used racial slurs and very violent talk. When he used one for middle eastern people in front of dd1 WHO IS QUARTER middle eastern, I lost it. After asking him nicely not to talk like that I snapped. "If you say another racist comment in front of dd again, you wont be able to see her anymore. That goes for the violent talk to, and Im not joking"

Guess what stopped IMMEDIATELY?! That threat really stuck with him!! I wouldnt leave holidays. Im sure the other family members dont appreciate that language either.

Good luck with your sis!!!

 

[mamarootoo]

regardless of when your son will "get it" who talks to a baby like that?!

psycho.

 

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamarootoo regardless of when your son will "get it" who talks to a baby like that?! psycho.

I hate to agree....but yeah, that's insane.

OP....your first duty is to your new family, your baby. You cannot continue to let your sister make you feel this way and you most certainly cannot allow her to spew this putrid energy out all over your child. That is disgusting.

Maybe he doesn't understand the actual words coming out of her mouth....but babies absolutely can tell kind words from a loved one....from horrid, putrid anger and resentment. You ave every right to be upset!!

The fact that your mother - or ANYONE in your family who has seen this - continues to allow this behavior to persist is absolutely wild to me. It would be one thing if you two sisters just bickered a lot...then I would get her not wanting to be in the middle....but this is not the case. This woman is assaulting your son with nasty language and hateful energy. I would leave and not come back until my fmaily felt enough love for my child, to do everything they could to prevent your sister from attacking him with her nastiness again. Period.

GL...things can get so crazy in family situations.

 

[ZTMOM]

I would never let anyone speak to my children like that at any age. If my mother tolerated it from anyone it would make me question her judgement as well.
Sorry you have to deal with this. Your experience is very similar to that of a dear friend of mine had with a sister diagnosed with a personality disorder.

 

[Jenne]

*NOTE: I am in NO WAY condoning or supporting the treatment of this child or mother. I am appalled. I think the other respondents have given good advice. I have other questions to raise...*

Are you the older or younger sister? I guess when I read about the childish behavior I thought, "Gee, I wonder if she is the older sister and feeling like she should be in a different place in her life and she feels bad about it and treats people horribly because of it." Not an excuse, just a wonder. I don't know if y'all have ever had a good relationship but I'm wondering if it would be possible to seperate from this issue say something like, "Gee, Sis, it seems like you've been upset lately and I'm wondering if you'd like to talk about it? I know that in other families it can sometimes come between siblings if things are done "out of order". Wanna talk?" Or if you are the older sib, "Gee, Sis, it seems like you've been upset lately and I'm wondering if you'd like to talk about it? I know that in other families what an older sibling chooses to do can sometimes trickle down as expectations for younger siblings. That must be hard. Wanna talk?"

Anyway, all families are dysfunctional to some extent...I'm sorry you and your son are going through this...

Jenne

 

[vegasgrl]

Your sister's behavior is wholly inappropriate, and your mom is enabling her with all the excuses. I hope she'll stop when confronted, but I wouldn't think twice about never again attending an event she would be at if she doesn't. If your mom wants to see DS, she can stop enabling the behavior when you're all together, or she can find another time.

This totally stinks.

 

[mermaidmama]

Jenne:
I am older by a few years.
We both are married. Both have homes. She has a career and college degree.
I don't. I have a baby. She doesn't.
She is mean and nasty and then when you get upset, she flies off the handle and says she was "just joking". So, its not her fault you got upset because you are too sensitive and then you are the mean one... not her.
She is very competitive. She is jealous of my son because he takes our moms attention off of her. She even wrote in her my space that our mom calls her less and less because "I am the outcast of our family because I dont live nearby and make babies". She has since deleted that. She has also recently emailed me with " *I* have a job and an education...." "Sorry I'm not ready to plop out a kid and be all perfect house wifey. Sorry I won't sheild them from the world and shove organic s*!t down their throats." I have tried to ask what is wrong and why she feels the need to say mean things but, nothing I say is the *right* way to say it.

Thanks again for the comments/advice and personal stories. I have given my mom the heads up that next time we are over and my sis starts in with the meaness, we will pick up and leave.

 

[Jenne]

I'm so sorry...ugh. Your post just screamed that she was unhappy and maybe even jealous. I was hoping that maybe she was someone who could talk about things and stop being a UAV but evidently it is something she practices on a regular basis. I'm sorry! One more idea...is she having fertility issues? Again, not an excuse for her behavior...I guess I'm just trying to find a reason for being so awful to a baby other than plain meanness. Sigh. I guess there are people in the world who just don't get it . Your son is lucky to have you.

Jenne

 

[mermaidmama]

No fertility issues that I know of. Says she doesnt want children til she is 30.
thanks for the replies tho

 

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

I have a sister sort of like that, not that she says bad things about my baby but she always makes me try to feel bad about my parenting.

I'm a seriously considering just cutting her out of our lives.

 

[annamama]

She has a lot of emotional maturing to do yet, and I guess until she is mature enough to realise how ridiculous and spiteful her behaviour is, she isn't going to react well to having it pointed out.
I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue. When she next started showing off (and that's what it is!) around my child, I would tell her to remember very well all she is saying and in the future, when she sits cradling her newborn in her arms, make sure she remembers saying it to her baby nephew.

 

[stealthmode]

Like a PP, I also do not want to come off as condoning this behavior in ANY way, but I would like to offer up another possibility.

My sister, who is younger than me by a couple of years, has been dealing with severe depression since she was in her teens. When her hormones are balanced, she is a very sweet, thoughtful person. Prior to getting her medication adjusted correctly, she used to occasionally snap at my little brother. He's only 12 now--he was maybe 8 or 9 at the time. She had absolutely zero patience for him for whatever reason. It used to break my heart the way she talked to him. She would tease him and pick on him constantly. And she is almost 10 years older!

This is not to say your sister is necessarily depressed, but maybe there is something else going on that is causing her to act this way toward you and your son. I know my own sister's jealous feelings were extremely magnified by her depression.