[ryleeee]

i feel at a loss sort of with AP and gentle discipline. i find myself losing my patience more and more and having a worse and worse attitude towards my son. my husband wants to know what books we should be reading so we get this. is there a good one out there? haye is 10 months and crawling/cruising furniture. he throws fits if he doesn't get what he wants (like sticking his fingers in the chinchilla's mouth etc). ugh. i don't even want to type anymore. please just help us.

 

[irinam]

From the books I would definately recommend Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

I addition to that - just hang around GD forum, post specific concerns. We would love to help

You also sound like you might be overdue for some "me" time!

 

[katallen]

I would suggest reading Dr. Sear's Discipline book and the second section (the part about parents) in Adventures in Gentle Discpline by Hilary Flowers. It sounds like you have a determined child and you may need consider trying to work on your patience and temper now before things actually get difficult and you get into a permanent state of impatience. (not that they aren't hard now but the baby years are the easiest it is all harder from there).

 

[DevaMajka]

If you are stressed, and want some concrete ideas of WHAT to do, I definitely recommend Becoming The Parent YOu Want To Be. It's aimed at kids from birth to 5yo, and has some GREAT gentle ideas for young preverbal kids. It's where many of my discipline ideas have come from.
I loved UP too. If you can get two books, get Becoming the Parent and UP.

 

[captain crunchy]

Hang in there hon, I would second Unconditional Parenting for a book to get....and stick around here. Children are natural explorers and I would just make it as safe as possible for him to explore --- that which is not life threatening is fair game around here

I'm serious. Also, with animals we just repeated "kitty likes to be touched gently" and demonstrated a gentle touch (when appropriate, we didn't follow the kid around all day saying it

) Truthfully though, babe has gotten bitten a few times by the cat which didn't seem to hurt her physically but she was highly offended and began touching her more gently.

Take care... oh and OT ...I love your son's name... our dd's middle name is Lennon, and yeah we hear that too "oooooooooooh after the BEATLES!!!" Um, no, after Harvey Lennon, our dry cleaner....

jk

 

[LynnS6]

I second Unconditional Parenting. I'd also recommend Parenting with Purpose -- the book is definitely more on the Positive Discipline side (so for older children she does suggest some things that could be construed as punishment/rewards). But I found it to be a really helpful book for the 1 year old and 2 year old stages -- she talks about developmentally appropriate behavior, what to expect and how to respond.

I would also recommend reading up on development so you know what to expect. So, exploring and touching all sorts of things is normal, and you want to encourage it. Screaming in frustration is very normal. At this age (10 months) you can gently explain ("your fingers can hurt Fluffy") and then remove and redirect (here let's pet Fluffy's back instead. Gentle hands"). If he's still upset, you can comfort and redirect. But being told 'no' IS frustrating.

 

[ryleeee]

i didn't even mention the biting. oh my gosh, he bites us ALL THE TIME and thinks it is funny. and it's totally my fault because sometimes i rock him to sleep in his old bucket seat to music and if he's grumpy i chomp my teeth together and pretend to eat his feet, and i think that's where he got it from because now he'll chomp his teeth together and bite us HARD.

i also feel like the kid has amazing peripheral vision and extrasensory perception, i can't even sneak out of the room without him screaming bloody murder. i'm finding it hard to even have fun most days and have yelled and said things i shouldn't and that just makes me feel so much worse. it's easier when we leave the house and go play at the library for awhile....anyways.
at the library i got the discipline book and the attachment parenting book. when we are finished reading those i'll get the other books you have mentioned. thanks for listening. being a parent is tough work.

 

[kmamma]

My personal opinion on Dr. Sears is not favorable. However, I do recommend unconditional parenting, as well as "Your Competent Child" by Jesper Juul. Of all parenting books this one has been the most helpful. It's just fabulous. Also, the Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff.

With such a small child, there really should be no discipline at all. Does your baby even understand your reprimands? "Magical Child" is a great book for understanding a child's developmental stages. Maybe you could focus on creating an environment in your home where your child is free to explore everything.

 

[PatchyMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by captain crunchy Hang in there hon, I would second Unconditional Parenting for a book to get....and stick around here. Children are natural explorers and I would just make it as safe as possible for him to explore --- that which is not life threatening is fair game around here I'm serious. Also, with animals we just repeated "kitty likes to be touched gently" and demonstrated a gentle touch (when appropriate, we didn't follow the kid around all day saying it ) Truthfully though, babe has gotten bitten a few times by the cat which didn't seem to hurt her physically but she was highly offended and began touching her more gently. Take care... oh and OT ...I love your son's name... our dd's middle name is Lennon, and yeah we hear that too "oooooooooooh after the BEATLES!!!" Um, no, after Harvey Lennon, our dry cleaner.... jk

captain crunchy - my older DDs middle name is Lennon too

 

[allgirls]

Rylee...hi

First of all baby proof as much as possible...put everything up high until you run out of high

Use gates to keep him in the main areas and keep those areas safe. I have a kitchen, dining room, livingroom area that is pretty much a free for all.

Then keep tons of stuff around for him to get into...board books, toys...just stuff...

Take him around and show him things if he wants to see them.

teach him gentle touch

put the Chinchilla away in a safe place until he learns gentle touch

Don't do anything you are not in the mood for. For example if you are having a tiring/sick day don't expect too much. Don't do laundry or clean or try to do stuff that you really don't have patience for.

Biting..Sophia bit...especially my boobs...what worked? Watch him carefully for a while to see what triggers it and be mindful of when it is about to happen. For Sophia I had to give a very "boring" response..."do not bite, it hurts" and then remove her from me for a while.

Try not to use the word no too much, instead show him what he can do

Ask yourself "why" he can't have certain things...most things he really can. And if you are worried that he will expect to have them always because you let him do it, well don't. He will become bored with whatever it is and move on to something new.

Don't worry about who is watching...you don't always have to do something because others expect it.

Tell him you understand how he feels when something that is non negotiable frustrates him. Learn what he needs to get through his meltdown instead of trying to stop it.

TEach him how to transition...I taugh t my kids to say good bye to things Like playgroups, sandboxes, things they can't have etc.

Teach him how you want him to do things..instead of telling him not to do do something.

Show him how to pet the Chinchilla properly under your supervision.

Don't worry about how he will "turn out", enjoy him now..you can't spoil him by loving him and teaching him and redirecting him instead of punishing him.

and of course always ask for help when you need it.

I second Alphie Kohn Unconditional Parenting as a book but am not a big fan of Sears for the older child...but for AP he is great.

Oh...as an added note..the way he is behaving now is not a discipline issue..it's a ten month old baby issue but reading up now will help you later on for sure.

Cheers
Carolyn

 

[moonpie's_mama]

 

[moonpie's_mama]

i second the recommendation for unconditional parenting by alfie kohn. also, how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk... and the authors' names have just escaped me, it's written by two women. awesome, awesome books, both of those.

 

[boheime]

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. I'm currently reading this and would recommend it over Unconditional Parenting - still a good book in its own right, it just seems to leave a lot of parents saying yeah, but how do we do this?

granted, I haven't finished the book yet, but so far I would recommend it first.

 

[irinam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by boheime Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. I'm currently reading this and would recommend it over Unconditional Parenting - still a good book in its own right, it just seems to leave a lot of parents saying yeah, but how do we do this? granted, I haven't finished the book yet, but so far I would recommend it first.

It was vice versa for me! I found ROCRO harder to read

To each it's own though

 

[RootBeerFloat]

Only have a second, but I agree that what you're seeing is not a discipline issue. However, learning to control your temper will help you with discipline down the line.

Around this age, I read The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter. It's a fantastic book and I highly recommend it. She has a section on discipline that was really thought provoking for me, but mostly it's about normal baby behavior from 0-2 years. She maintains that a child under 2 is incapable of willful misbehavior and does a great job of explaining why this is and what the baby is getting out of it.

 

[ryleeee]

thanks everyone =D
i agree that it isn't a discipling thing yet but more so a patience thing on my part.

 

[ryleeee]

Quote:

My personal opinion on Dr. Sears is not favorable. However, I do recommend unconditional parenting, as well as "Your Competent Child" by Jesper Juul. Of all parenting books this one has been the most helpful. It's just fabulous. Also, the Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff. With such a small child, there really should be no discipline at all. Does your baby even understand your reprimands? "Magical Child" is a great book for understanding a child's developmental stages. Maybe you could focus on creating an environment in your home where your child is free to explore everything.

i don't think discipline has to be used in a negative way. you seem to think i am punishing him or something? i'm not too sure where you got that from. also, while it would be ideal to have a 100% baby proofed house, i don't see that happening at all anytime soon unless we got rid of all our tables that he pulls himself up on and falls and hits his head on, or duct tape every cord to the wall, etc etc etc. what do i do when he's sitting in the tub during shower time and tries to pull down the curtain rod every two seconds? i can't really let him do that because he might pull it off the wall and a) kill himself or b) knock me out and kill both of us.

 

[embers]

Texture play! Set down a big stain-able towle in the kitchen, and leave little nekkid baby to play with pans with water, plastic cups to spill and pour, splash and play! This is a great way to get some focus play, wind down, and provide for the exploring need... and you can relax and read, do some dishes, have a cup of tea, etc.

I suggest not to pet chinchilla at all right now. Trying to control his actions is just going to frusterate him and you - and the total concept of pet the animal is lost. Just wait and try it again in a few months *shrug*...

Redirection! WOOO HOOO! He is climbing on the table... redirect to a stack of pillows on the floor. He gets to climb and play, and it is safer... and exciting to him because heck - the pillows are on the FLOOR!

Once, when my son was about that age, out of frusteration and desperation I sat him in a big cardboard box full or uncooked rice... and he had SO MUCH FUN! After about 20 minutes of happy squeels and focused play, I handed him a toy, too!

Paper cups, straws, etc... and this was a total hit. Mom had a cup of tea and did laundry. Total success. Before that, he had been screaming and flailing because I would not let him jump off the couch.

Get creative, I guess... Give him content and ability, and then be sure to give you what you need (take care of those hungry-lonely-angry-tireds; you will provide best for him if you check in with yourself to make sure you have what you need!)...

Oh - with the biting. Heh. I got a kong. Yes - the dog toy. Any time my son bit, I would say "Oh! Do you want to pretend to be a puppy?!" and with (forced) happy smiles, I would say "Okay pup, go get your puppy toy!" and pretend to pet him like a puppy (my son learned "sit", "lay down", "roll over", and "bark"!

) It was a BLAST for him, because here is stiff ole momma being animated and playing pretend! And he got to do some silly roll playing... and soon forgot all about the biting (biting out of frusteration went away almost instantly), and then started wanting to play pretend other things. Sometimes my son is a car... and have you met VerCher, the robot?! My point in that is that I was able to redirect the biting, and then it was forgotten about altogether rather quickly - but our games developed and are now fun for him and HIGHLY entertaining for me!

 

[hypatia]

To calm fits:

When my DS was that age and threw fits, I would do this:

(1) sit down with him in my lap; and
(2) have something interesting and safe nearby.

I think it calmed him down without making him feel restrained, and soon he'd be interested in whatever it was. I think that trick was in the Baby Book?