[coleslaw]

I'm very embarrass to write this, but I am desparate. I'll just say it right out. I don't want to have sex. I have no desire except when maybe a month goes by. And to top it off, I resent dh for asking.

Now for the details. I am still bf-ing my 2 3/4 yo dd so maybe it's feelings of being touched out. I am also a SAHM so that may add to it. Dd is also co-sleeping with us. Some days I love it and some days/moments I just would rather be anywhere else. I do feel the "urge" during the day, but by the time nighttime comes, there is no hope.

My dh is a very kind man, but he is very emotionally needy at times (not just for sex). He has always been that way, which always bothered me, but now that I have dd to take care of, his neediness is more than I can take. His sex drive has risen tremendously lately and I am far from it. That once a month was a norm for us pre-dd, but because of his sex drive. Ironic?

We have discussed all of this (but not the neediness part). When I explain to him that at night I just can't muster up the energy to have sex, he gets a rejected look on his face. That makes me feel guilty and sometimes I end up having sex to stop the look on his face which makes me angry and quite frankly does nothing for the moment. I have tried to create compromises - we used to be a late night or first-thing-in-the-morning couple, but that's out with dd and my energy level - so I said how about weekend mornings when she is watching TV. Didn't go for it. She doesn't takes naps any more, but I offered that. He finds something else to do during that time. Basically, he doesn't want to give up what we used to do.

Anyway, I don't know if I need help for a low sex drive or we need couseling on this or if this is totally normal and it will work out. Can anyone help?

 

[cat_astrophe]

I understand. Sometimes, it feels like everyone needs something from me, and I just need a break. If it isn't the baby needing to be breast fed or his diaper changed or my 3 year old needing something or my mom asking for a favor or a friend needing some help with something, then it's hubby needing sex. If it were slightly romantic, I might be interested, but it's a NEED he has. I just don't want anyone else NEEDing me to do something for them, kwim? Perhaps you could explain to him that you need a little tenderness or affection to feel in the mood (if it would help). I think it is normal for a mom, especially a full time mom, to feel this way sometimes. The stress of taking care of everyone else leaves you little time to take care of yourself. Take a break and relax. You are normal (if "normal" exists).

 

[sonya_mamafor4]

You are not alone on this one.For me it is the need thing.We have four children and between them somebody "needs" something every ten minutes and then dh comes home and instead of helping take some of this off of me he adds his needs to the pile.Him remembering what romance is and foreplay has helped me.Of course,we use to be every day types/with short periods of being once a weekers.So my sex drive wasn't a problem pre-kids.My dh's sex drive has also gone up recently(maybe it is the weather).He has been working on helping me get in the mood more.I'm still working on getting him to realize that if he helped out a little when he got home that maybe I wouldn't be so worn out at bedtime.
Also,take some time for yourself.One night after your dd goes to bed or early one morning.Just taking care of myself and doing something that made me feel good has really helped.
Sonya

 

[Kimi_Coconuts]

I'm sorry you are having this difficulty, it really isn't any fun, is it?

I just want to encourage you to make the effort to give your dh more of what he needs. A man truly needs sex it's tied into him in a way we can't understand. I'm sure once you are set to have sex you are able to relax and enjoy your time together and afterwards you feel better also, it can be a tremendous stress reliever for both of you, but don't sell yourself short that you won't get anything out of it!

I don't think you need counseling I think you need to start being deliberate about putting energy and focus into this area of your life. You need to think about it and plan it and set yourself up to be open to it, even initiate it sometimes.

If you are exhausted with your child you need to take more downtime for you and then you will have more for your spouse and your child. There is no crime in taking care of you, and you are at a point where you are damaging your relationship everytime you reject your dh. He needs to feels loved, needed, respected and desirable.

I'm not trying to be down on you, I just want you to look outside yourself on this and put your dh first. When we focus on ourselves we tend to get more miserable, not more positive, when we focus on others, we tend to improve. Especially when the other is our spouse, the one we promised to love, cherise and honor for a lifetime. A child is only a guest in your home and moves out but your spouse will be there for a lifetime, you two need your relationship to have a priority, it will only make things better for everyone, including your little one.

Think more about sex. Fantasize about it again with your husband. Do things to make yourself feel sexy and positive about your appearance. Then, even if you are tired, initiate and see where it takes you, it really doesn't take a lot of time and it really makes you both feel so connected again. You need that connection as much with your dh as with your child.

 

[veganmamma]

Quote:

I just want to encourage you to make the effort to give your dh more of what he needs. A man truly needs sex it's tied into him in a way we can't understand. I'm sure once you are set to have sex you are able to relax and enjoy your time together and afterwards you feel better also, it can be a tremendous stress reliever for both of you, but don't sell yourself short that you won't get anything out of it!

You're encouraging this woman to have sex when she doesn't want to? I'm sorry, I thought we left medieval times a fwe hundred years ago!!

Quote:

I don't think you need counseling I think you need to start being deliberate about putting energy and focus into this area of your life. You need to think about it and plan it and set yourself up to be open to it, even initiate it sometimes.

Quote:

If you are exhausted with your child you need to take more downtime for you and then you will have more for your spouse and your child. There is no crime in taking care of you, and you are at a point where you are damaging your relationship everytime you reject your dh. He needs to feels loved, needed, respected and desirable. I'm not trying to be down on you, I just want you to look outside yourself on this and put your dh first. When we focus on ourselves we tend to get more miserable, not more positive, when we focus on others, we tend to improve. Especially when the other is our spouse, the one we promised to love, cherise and honor for a lifetime. A child is only a guest in your home and moves out but your spouse will be there for a lifetime, you two need your relationship to have a priority, it will only make things better for everyone, including your little one. Think more about sex. Fantasize about it again with your husband. Do things to make yourself feel sexy and positive about your appearance. Then, even if you are tired, initiate and see where it takes you, it really doesn't take a lot of time and it really makes you both feel so connected again. You need that connection as much with your dh as with your child.

Maybe dh should help her with the care of their child so she isn't as burned out. Maybe dh should try to understand the reason she has a lowered sex drive and help her with it----if she wants to be helped. What you are saying is that the sex life of this couple relies solely on her actions- that it is completely HER responsibility. It is most certainly not, and I would definitely advocate for these two to go to counseling and work throught this TOGETHER.
Lauren

 

[cat_astrophe]

Ok, sure, her DH needs sex, but she has needs as well. Women need love, affection, apprecialtion, romance, tenderness, etc. Her need for these things is just as important as her dh's need for sex. Any man worth having would understand this. A mother spends all day fulfilling the needs of other people, the least her husband could do is spend a few minutes meeting her needs before expecting her to "put out". If she does start giving him sex because he needs it, rahter than because she wants to, then it will become another chore for her, and she will start to resent dh for asking for it. If he loves her, then he will understand this and try to meet her needs.

 

[Kimi_Coconuts]

Just wanted to say that I never meant to say what you two are saying.

I am an advocate of doing something about your situation and through personal experience with the same kind of situation, loss of sex drive and resentment, I know what I did.

I am a very supportive person but also I wanted to share since she asked for helped.

 

[mamaduck]

coleslaw -- not to get too personal, but are you the pill by any chance? When I was on the pill, I had absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever. Dh claims that is how it actually works to keep you from getting pg! Takes away your sex drive.

Other than that, I just want to reassure you that your feelings are not abnormal. Your body is in "childcare mode," and your survival instincts are telling you you are not ready for another baby. So -- you aren't interested. IMO, its not a real big deal. If you do seek counselling, I encourage you not to settle for a counsellor who puts the blame on you or suggests that you are abnormal. You are not.

As far as your dh.... I would suggest he let go the manipulative efforts and work on "wooing" you instead, by caring for you in other ways and doing his share with your dd. He may want sex, but he can do without it while you work through whatever it is you want to work through. Its amazing how much more willing I feel when dh just backs off and waits for me to be ready. KWIM?

 

[Liz]

Quote:

Originally posted by Kimi_Coconuts I'm sorry you are having this difficulty, it really isn't any fun, is it? I just want to encourage you to make the effort to give your dh more of what he needs. A man truly needs sex it's tied into him in a way we can't understand.

I agree with you, Kimi. Maybe it just came out a little one sided. My SIL gave me very similar advice and I've realised she is right. My dh needs sex to show and feel love. When dh 'puts the moves on me' I have resented it because I think: "How can he be thinking about sex when I'm exhausted, sick, in a lousy mood or whatever. If he really loved me he'd leave me alone. Doesn't he get it?!" Well, in his way he is trying to show me he loves me and I'm just not getting it. I'm not saying you should put out if you really don't want to but if you think about it now and try to understand why he wants sex then maybe next time you won't feel so resentful and will feel more in the mood.

Also keep doing the small romantic things even if you don't feel like it. Both of you should kiss hello and goodbye thoughtfully, hold hands, rub backs, etc. It sounds awful but fake it and it will feel real again in time.

AND you should ask him to help out more (nothing sexier than a man doing dishes!) and take more time for yourself.

This is perfectly normal but still very dangerous to a relationship. It gets into a vicious circle that's really hard to pull out of.

 

[the sunshine]

Quote:

I just want to encourage you to make the effort to give your dh more of what he needs. A man truly needs sex it's tied into him in a way we can't understand.

An emotional need maybe, a physical need? Absolutely not. Food is a physical need. Sex is not. He has two hands. Men love that some women believe this.

Quote:

I'm sure once you are set to have sex you are able to relax and enjoy your time together and afterwards you feel better also,

I've been there. I didn't enjoy giving sympathy sex. I hated and resented it. I felt like I was meeting his desires and he did absolutely nothing in return except harass me for more sex.

Quote:

There is no crime in taking care of you,

I wholeheartedly agree.

Quote:

you are at a point where you are damaging your relationship everytime you reject your dh.

Why isn't he damaging the relationship by constantly pressuring her for sex?

Quote:

He needs to feels loved, needed, respected and desirable.

She needs that as well.

coleslaw said that she has tried to make compromises, doing it at different times of the day, and he won't go along with it. So it's his way or no way, and he still gets to lay a guilt trip on her. I think it's time for him to meet her halfway.

 

[veganmamma]

Quote:

My dh needs sex to show and feel love.

Mine doesn't. And BTW women need sex exactly the same as men do. This mentality that is being promoted- have sex with him b/c he "needs" it is what keeps women having sex when they don't want to insode and outside of marriage. This line of thinking promotes date rape and is totally out of line. At what age do men start "needing" sex exactly?

I would find it very offensive if my dp needed me to submit to him sexually to show me love and affection. I deserve love and affection whether I feel like having sex with him or not. Thankfully, our relationship is based on mutual love and respect, and we only have sex whe it is mutually desireable.

He respects my personhood, and the fact that my body is a part of my toolbox for nurtuing dd, and sometimes it needs a rest, just as I repect that he funtions for days on end with 4 hours of sleep per night. Sometimes, I don't wanna have sex. Sometimes, HE doesn't want to. We respect each other.

At one point does his desitre to have sex trump your desire not to? That is basically what this becomes about. IMO, when a person's desire to have sex trumps another's desire not to, it is tanamount to rape.

For my partner and I, sex is not about getting off, getting that pent up energy out of our systems. That's what masturbation is for. Sex for us is connecting on an emotional and physical level. I don not want to have sex with him if he is not connecting to me on a very deep, spritual, emotiuonal and physical level and the same goes for him. I will not sacrifice my self respect to toss him a bone (no pun intended) and he wouldn't ask me to. This attitude that women should just have sex with their husbands to fill their so called need to get off just cheapens sex, IMO.

Lauren

 

[coleslaw]

Thanks ladies for all of your comments. You all gave me lots to think about.

I tried talking to dh again last night. I think he is feeling middle-aged at 33. He is just starting to bald, he has gained weight and needs to feel more secure about himself and thinks sex is the answer. Obviously we are way off from each other and it's bad timing that I am in the stage I am in.

I am trying to make him understand that my feelings have nothing to do with him, how he looks, etc., but he said he doesn't think he can not feel rejected. I will try to help him get his self-esteem back and hopefully help him realize that sex and self-esteem need not go hand-in-hand.

I also need to work on my image of myself. I think Kimi had a point when she said I have to find ways to make me feel sexy. That is a problem of mine. My weight has been fluctuating (for the better before, but recently not) and I have put off buying new clothes, so my clothes don't look good on me at all. It may be superficial, but I think it has an impact. Plus, I am working through some personal issues with my past which takes up all lot of effort.

I do agree with veganmama that I should be able to get love and affection without sex if that's what it takes. I think I get angry because it doesn't feel like a rape of sorts when I say yes to sex and I don't feel like it. It may come from my background, not only from having been sexually assaulted on more than on occasion, but a lifetime of being guilted into doing things I don't want to do.

We don't have the money for counseling, but I wish we did because I think we need it - individually and together. But I am hoping that with all of my love for armchair psychology we can figure it out. :LOL My dh can have an open mind about many things.

Thanks so much again for all of your advice! IF anyone has any more, I would definitely be open to hearing it!

 

[veganmamma]

It sounds like you have a great understanding of your problem. One of the things that my partner and I do is constantly compliment each other, on our work, appearance, intelligence, etc. Another thing is that even when we do not have sex, we act attracted to each other- like we hold hands, and hug all the time, kiss, say I love you, etc.

I know that he finds me attractive b/c he talls me all the time, and I know that he thinks highly of me too. That is a big self esteem booster, especially b/c I think so highly of him.

These things make me more inclined to have sex with him, although for the last few months it is me wanting more sex than I am getting.

Maybe if you can connect to him non sexually on emotional and physical levels, you willl *want* to have sex with him. And if not, don't put yourself in a position you feel victimized in.

Lauren

 

[Wildcrafter]

I have been with my hubby for 14 years and he does need sex - I don't care what anybody says. And lately I feel very put out (no pun intended!) when sex is wanted of me. While co-sleeping with a very active 16 mo the chances for sex dwindle, as does my energy & desires. And then never knowing if our son will awaken seems to add stress to the act.

I read somewhere that the hormones released while breastfeeding are the mothering hormones that dominate during lactation. The "mating" hormones become stronger when you ovulate, and even stronger when no longer lactatating. I became interested in sex again after 14 months when I started ovulating - but really only during ovulation.

I think communication about this and about needs is very important. I found that my deepest resentment of our sex life was that I never got a chance to have sex when I was ready because I was never ready because hubby was always ready? Hope this makes sense to someone!! If I go for a week or two without, then I am ready, but seldom do I have that chance.

One time when I was having a very bad day I had a glass of wine. Since I don't normally drink, this was quite intoxicating and did release some inhibitions and relaxed me so that I was feeling sexy again. Of course, I don't recommend alcohol to solve problems but sometimes just a little something different can help.

I'm right there with you coleslaw.

p.s. I try sometimes to look on the bright side of things - for instance I am 37, I cut my own hair and don't always get a shower or a hair brushing for that matter, when needed. I can be extremely irritable when tired, which I am a lot. I take out a lot of my frustrations on my husband, and yet he still finds me irresistable!!!!!! Go figure!! It's as though I save all my patience and love for my son. I need to try and rebalance somehow.

Mary

 

[veganmamma]

So at what age did his biological need for sex begin? And at what point will he die or become ill from celibacy?

Just curious.
L

 

[alsoSarah]

Veganmama (who is now my hero) has said everything that I wanted to say, more eloquently than I would have said it!

So many problems stem from us, as mamas, focusing so *much* on everyone but ourselves....

(Did anyone read the thread with awful clipping from the 1950's about "making homelife pleasant for your man", or whatever? Whew, for a moment there, reading part of this thread, I felt as though the 50's were coming back to get us!
Here'a link, for anyone who wonders what thread I'm babbling about:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...sol+AND+douche

 

[veganmamma]

Thanks, Sarah, I am like, totally flattered.

L

 

[Wildcrafter]

It's called a mating instinct. I'm signing off, I feel insulted.
Mary

 

[veganmamma]

I'm sorry, but humans have many instincts that we fight. Theoretically men should be fighting to win our affection and beating their chests madly to fend off other men from being interested in us. We are evolved past the point where we 'need' to act on instinct we may or may not have. I'm sorry if you were offended, but do you really think that your husband's 'need' to have sex overrides your desire not to? All you are doing in saying that is that biologically men need to have sex, whether their female partner needs to have it or not- which is a very powerful argument for polygamy. In the 'wild' no pp woman who is BFing an infant is going to allow her 'mate' to have sex with her unless she wants to. I just think you didn't think your argument through is all, and I pointed that out. I didn't use any flowery terms, I just asked you to clarify how your dh "needs" sex.
Lauren

 

[Rebecca]

Oh boy...this sure looks like it opened a big old can of worms!

I have to support the OP on this one, as it seems your needs aren't being met. You have a busy life and are probably pretty burned out and pooped by the end of the day. I know I am! I never really want sex at night either... middle of the day when it's not possible, yes, but that doesn't happen. Women have needs too, and it seems one of the posters may have forgotten that. I NEED to be romanced, to feel attractive, to feel loved and nurtured. I don't often get those needs met on a daily basis. Foreplay starts waaaay before anything happens in the bedroom. Flowers delivered with a sexy note, him picking up dinner, doing the dishes, giving the kids a bath and putting them to bed while I sip tea and read a sexy book... those things may turn me on. Instead, on the rare occasion my husband (who is rather perfect in most other ways)tries to initiate, he would prefer to 'lube it up and stick it in', pardon the crassness. The idea of that absolutely doesn't turn me on, but he isn't really willing to make the romantic effort I want. It's not that he's uncaring or cold, he's just really tired from a long day of work and kids too. So we rarely have sex too. It's a vicious circle that i hope we grow out of before we forget how or why we used to have sex.

It's not your 'job' to put out no matter how high his needs are, how much money he makes, yadda yadda. Just like it isn't his 'job' to 'make' his wife want sex more. It's just nice things we do for each other because we care. I've let my dh have sex when I wasn't into it, attempted to fake an 'o' (he caught me in the lie... apparently I'm a lousy faker), and he didn't enjoy it. He really wants to have sex with someone who is an active participant, who is also enjoying herself. I mean, otherwise it's no better than masturbating, IMO.

There are other ways we show love... I make his dinners (most nights), wash his underwear, have his babies, and say nice things to him... all because I want to. He does his chores without complaining, says nice things to me, doesn't ask me about money and purchases, etc... all kinda trivial things, but summed up, they mean a lot and make a loving household. We recently came back from a vacation where the hotel had 2 queen beds, and we slept apart one night because it was luxiourious to have sooo much room to spread out, and because we could. Neither of us felt unloved, deprived or whatever. We're just really comfortable with each other.

So I rambled way OT. What I meant to say is that you should only need to have sex when you want to, not when someone else dictates you should. Otherwise, it's just another chore in your already chock-full-of-work life that you'll resent (at least you can hire a maid to do the cleaning.... not sure I wanna hire a girlfriend to put out for dh! LOL!!!)>

That said, I hope dh brings you flowers and chinese take out tonight. You certainly sound like you need a break.