Please! I need help for a friend

519 Views 8 Replies 7 Participants Last post by coleslaw, Jun 8, 2005

coleslaw

Discussion Starter · Jun 4, 2005

I just learned that the husband of a friend of mine left her 5 days ago. She has 2 small children and has major financial difficulties now. To add to the mix, he came very close to punching her as he left in a rage. She doesn't know where he is. Some of the issue has to do with a failed business venture. She thinks she has to file for bankruptscy. There is no money to make this months' mortgage payment. The house they live in isn't in her name, but credit cards are in both. Neither set of parents know.

My question is - how can I help her? What resources can I point her to? I plan on bringing her food, offer playdates for company, my ear to listen, watching the kids so that she can have time to do what she needs to do. I also want to have wise words, information, but I don't know where to start. I've never been there or even close, nor have I known anyone that has gone through this, so I don't want to make mistakes and scare her away. She needs friends and I really want to be a good one that she feels she can rely on.

Help!

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tug

· #2 · Jun 4, 2005

a legal services corporation in her area may be able to assist her with filing for bankruptcy, divorce, and child support legal issues. she has to have below a certain income to qualify for their services. also see if there is a pro bono legal agency in town. often, these are title "pro bono project" or some such thing. check your state's bar association web page.

good luck to her. what an awful man.

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mountain

· #3 · Jun 5, 2005

She's really lucky to have your support. Can she apply for public aid? That's what it's there for.

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Dragonfly

· #4 · Jun 5, 2005

Wow. You sound like a fantastic friend.

The first thing she really needs to do is consult with a lawyer to see what she needs to do to protect herself financially for the immediately forseeable future. The thing she should be most worried about, IMO, are the credit cards, especially if there's room on them for him to charge them up. She needs to put a stop to their joint liability immediately. This may mean both removing her name from the credit cards and filing for a legal separation - or some variation of this scenario.

Really, she needs to consult with a lawyer. Many will offer an initial consult for free. Some will charge but it shouldn't take too long to get the basics about what needs to be done now.

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twilight girl

· #5 · Jun 5, 2005

First thing: have her call her bank (with the mortgage) and explain to them what is going on. They should be more than willing to take this month's payment, and add it on to the end of the loan term.

As for the rest, you sound like a great friend, she'll be lucky to have you helping her through this.

J.

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MomBirthmomStepmom

· #6 · Jun 7, 2005

You're a great friend! Just checking in to see how things are going for your friend and if she's been able to speak to a lawyer?

*hugs*

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coleslaw

Discussion Starter · #7 · Jun 7, 2005

Thaks to everyone for thier replies. I haven't been able to post due to poor internet connections. Well, Sunday, he decided to come home after his brother talked to him. He came home still annoyed and angry, hadn't showered since he left 6 days ago (at least my friend knows he wasn't with another woman :LOL ) and they didn't talk for the first couple of hours he was home. He thinks it's no big deal that he left - it was what HE needed. I guess he learned it from his dad and his brother. I really feel for my friend. I saw her today and offered to go out for some fun just us (I think she deserves at least that from him!). I hope to at one point ask her if she plans on finding a job and working on getting more control of their finances (equity in both their names, etc). She is trying to get him on couple's counseling and individual counseling although money is a big issue. I really hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be. Thanks again for all your responses. I will pass on all of your advice!

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laprettygurl

· #8 · Jun 7, 2005

This might be harsh but if anyone left me for six days without telling me I wouldn't be letting that person back in my life, let alone the door to my house.

I wonder how long it is until he "needs to get away" again and how long he'll be gone and what physical damage will he leave next time if he almost punched her the first time???

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coleslaw

Discussion Starter · #9 · Jun 8, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by laprettygurl
This might be harsh but if anyone left me for six days without telling me I wouldn't be letting that person back in my life, let alone the door to my house.

I wonder how long it is until he "needs to get away" again and how long he'll be gone and what physical damage will he leave next time if he almost punched her the first time???

That's the way I think, but she doesn't seem to want to hear anything like that so I'm keeping my mouth shut for now and am just trying to be there as a friend who will listen so that if the time comes to confront her, she will know that I have her best interests at heart. It feels a little like lying when I don't say anything, but I'm hoping at least she will know she has someone to go to if things get even worse. I did give her the domestic violence hotline number and said even if you use it "just in case." I guess my comments to her have been like planting seeds hoping she'll think about the reality of this situation.

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