[Artisan]

I am slowly being driven insane by my three year old. When it is just the two of us, he is a lovely little guy. But he has an 11 month old sister, and I have a DH who is traveling for the next eight weeks.

He will NOT leave his sister alone. Just will not. Nothing I do helps. NOTHING. He is constantly touching, poking, pinching, tickling, laying on top of, hitting, kicking, and throwing toys at her. I have to intervene every 30 seconds, it seems. I am generally a patient person. I generally believe in letting kids work disagreements out for themselves. But he is so much bigger -- he outweighs her by at least 20 pounds -- and she cries and gets hurt when he bothers her, I can't just leave her to be hurt by him. I don't think his intention is to hurt her. There isn't anything wrong with him psychologically. He is nice to animals, loving to me, and many times is very loving to his sister. He sees me giving the baby pats and kisses and wants to give pats and kisses too, but they turn out to be smacks and head butts. He isn't able to judge how much he's hurting her.

I can't take this anymore. I am unable to do anything for more than 30 seconds, it seems. My mom was a screamer, and I do not want to scream and hit my kids. But I can now see where her anger came from -- the power of your preschooler to enrage you is amazing.

Pleeeeeeeease please help me! Give me some ideas. I am essentially going this alone for several months, with no family around, and I am at my wit's end.

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

To some extent, I am in the same boat, except that both of my kids are older (2 and 5) and bigger. So I don't have all the answers and am also struggling. But I am convinced that the answer is to avoid the problem rather than try to react to it. Keeps everyone's blood pressure down that way! I also think that before about age 5 or 6, letting them work it out is pointless. Even if my 2 YO had an idea about how to solve the problem, she couldn't talk about it well enough for anyone to understand! And you are right, I'm sure, that he isn't doing it to deliberately be mean, he just doesn't quite get it yet.

Since your daughter is smaller than mine, can you sling her or carry her in a backpack some? My 2 YO would never stand for it more than a minute, but maybe yours is still little enough? Pretty hard for big brother to hurt her if she is next to your body.

Can you come up with things that all 3 of you can do together so you can be the buffer? Mine difinitely have more problems when I'm trying to do something like make dinner. They've never yet hurt each other when all 3 of us are in the pool, at the beach, or on the playground! Even a walk or errands help. As a result, we spend a lot of time doing stuff, mostly out of the house. The house is a wreck, but the kids are happier and so am I.

I have started to separate my 2 when they start to pick at each other. DD gets excited and bounces on 5 YO which starts him crying and he pushes her and she falls... About that point I suggest they play in separate areas until everyone has calmed down. Mostly that means that DS, who is old enough to play on his own more, finds something to do and I help DD find something to play with close to me. But maybe at 3 yours is too little to play on his own? I try not to be punitive about it, but sometimes it is definitely, "Go play somewhere else before you kill your sister or I start to scream!"

I have also moved everyone's bedtime back an hour or so. With more sleep, I've found, everyone is better able to cope and things don't get so heated so fast. Especially me!

Other than that, I think its a matter of showing "gentle play" and reminding him... again and again and again... Sometimes I think I'm going to go out of my mind I repeat stuff so often!

 

[Magella]

Three can be a tough age. He loves his sister, eh? That's sweet. It's tough when they just want to play with baby, but don't yet quite know how to be gentle.

I have similar problems, and I've found that the best way to handle it (for me) is to have the kids with me keeping busy as much as possible so they have less time and opportunity to bug each other. Generally, they enjoy helping out when I have things to do. My 3 year old loves washing anything, and he'll gladly drop what he's doing for a chance to wash a table or the refrigerator or the dishes or the floor... :LOL I just have to make it interesting, or at least make it sound interesting, and he'll be glad to try it most of the time. At the moment I can't remember all the other things that typically keep them busy. Water is the favorite.

When my youngest was a little younger (she's 18 months now), I found it was really helpful to carry her around on my back while I did some things. She liked it for awhile and she was out of the reach of my older two.

It has also helped to say things like "remember, babies like gentle touches" or "babies like to be touched on the arm" rather than "don't tickle" or "don't grab her face." It also helped to say "see? She's crying. That means she doesn't like that" and "see now how she's smiling? That means she likes what you're doing." Or "maybe she'd like it better if..." instead of "stop, she doesn't like that."

And mostly remember, this will pass as they get older. Although now I find myself pulling my 18 month old off of her big brother and sister because she's sitting on them, pulling hair, grabbing genitals (my kids love to be naked, and as much as I tell my son she can't grab his penis if he has underwear on he refuses to wear it), grabbing ears, and generally torturing them. Now I have to keep her really busy too

Please try to find some way to take care of yourself while your dh is gone. Get outside, if that helps (always helps us). It's really important to take some moments in your day to fill your own cup. For me, that's a few minutes to read or shower or call someone, and often it's after bedtime. Easier said than done, I know, but really important. Find some way of reminding yourself, on the tough days especially, that he's only 3 and you're all doing the best you can.

 

[carrietorgc]

I'm not a fan in general of baby gates or baby yards, but sounds like you need a "safe" area for 11 mo dd to roam/play while you tend to ds or cook etc. one step ahead has some great HUGE playards that seem liek they would work, and i know toys r us/babies r us sells some huge supergate/yard thing as well. Not ideal, and would not stop him from throwing toys into it and trying to bean her that way, but could work. i'm sure as much as you do sling dd, that she frankly wants to get down and play at 11 mo!

Good luck over the next few months....i feel for you.

btw, we met once at the silver spring cloth diaper party

 

[mogit]

I have had a similar problem with my ds (3.9) being too physical with dd (6 mos.) What has worked for me is to:

1) pick up DD and focus all my attention on her while IGNORING ds as much as possible. I might say something like, "Oh, I'm sorry you got hurt, DD. DS needs to play more gently, doesn't he?" If DS demands attention, I say calmly, "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't help you right now. I need to comfort DD."

2) talk to DS about how we need to protect, not hurt, people who are smaller and weaker than we are. I think DS just wants to feel some power over this little interloper who has stolen my attention from him. Once he found out he could use this power to protect rather than hurt, he was (mostly) happy to do so. Now sometimes he will put his arm over DD and tell me he is protecting her from a rhinoceros or a dinosaur!

3) laugh with DS (in a kind way) about how silly babies are. Sometimes when DD will make a funny crowing noise, or want to play at bedtime, I'll roll my eyes and just say, "Babies!" DS loves sharing these in-jokes with me.

4) try to set some time aside for just DS, and let him know I miss our time alone. I know this can be hard, especially with your husband out of town. (I'm single, so I unfortunately deal with this all the time.) But I've found that taking 20 or 30 minutes of DD's naptime to spend doing whatever DS wants really helps the rest of the day go more smoothly. It also helps me relax and remember the loving side of DS.

Good luck! Hope some of this helps.

 

[mamatoady]

I agree with you wanting your children to work it out for themselves...to some extent. I think it doesn't do a lot of good to allow an 11 month old to "fend for herself" against a 3 year old. Don't feel like you're being a bad parent by interveining. I say when she hits 3 or 4,then let them tackle their own issues. Probably by then they will both understand that physical harm to one another is absolutely not acceptable.

Other than that I only have a 2.5 year old and can't be much more help.

sarah

 

[LoveBeads]

I have one child so I'm not sure I can help but *if* I was in your situation, I think what I would do is seek to find ways to get my son to cooperate with me instead of fight against me. And I would do that by sitting down and brainstorming with him, really asking for his feedback (obviously you may need to give him the words or help him by giving suggestions). For example, I might say "DS, I know that you love your baby sister and you would like to show her how much you love her by hugging her very tightly. Maybe we can talk about other ways you can show her how much you love her. Can you come up with some ideas?" Then I would wait and see if he comes up with anything. If not, you can suggest "maybe you can tickle her feet?" or "maybe you can blow kisses?". Maybe you can even get him involved with drawing a picture for her of how much he loves her or singing a song about it.

I'm probably no help but I thought I would suggest it anyway.

Good luck!