Mothering Forum banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
3
Joined
·
3,771 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm told this forum is not googleable. Sure hope so, for my marriage's sake.<br><br>
My Hubby is unhappy with me, possibly doesn't love me anymore (he did admit he still cares about me and always will) and he wants to leave me. I knew he was upset, but I thought he was depressed because he was working around the clock- turns out, he was working around the clock because of ME! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> We've been together for almost 9 years, our 5 year wedding anniversary is (would have been?) this December. I have a 14 year old son from a previous relationship- my Husband is the only Dad he's ever known. My Husband has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage- her and I are very,close. My Hubby doesn't believe in marriage counceling, but he says he'll "try a couple sessions before decided to leave" and "he's not sure it's not too late to go back". Basically, he's unhappy with things I've done (unintentionally) and can't live with me anymore. (I did get him to admit, that, he does wish things could go back the way they were when we were happy together.) What can I expect when we go? Will "a couple sessions" be enough to make him want to stay and keep working on things? What can I do to make things as productive as possible? And would it be a bad idea or a good idea to bring up in the first session that he doesn't think it'll work and won't come to more than a couple sessions, unless he sees things getting easier (not to tattletale to the councelor with him, but to give the councelor a heads-up how urgent things are)?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,205 Posts
I'm sorry. You never know if one session (or a few) will be enough but it's worth every try. Maybe it will be enough to get him to agree to another session...and on from there.<br>
I wish I had more answers or could help you out. Let him know how you feel and that your open to listen and work on making changes (since it sounds like you are).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,126 Posts
I'm so sorry. I've heard good things about 'How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It' and I doubt a couple of sessions of marriage counseling would hurt. Can you not say at the first meeting that your dh is only there to see if a couple of sessions will work and if they don't he is leaving? It always raises a huge flag to me when one partner blames the lack of feeling on the behavior of the other partner but never brought up the situation until they were "done". It shows a real lack of maturity and depth. I wish you the best.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
A good counselor can work wonders. Ours saved our marriage.<br>
Get recommendations from people you trust. Try calling a mediator in your area and ask him/her for recommendations if you don't know anyone else to ask.<br><br>
That being said, your marriage will only improve if <span style="text-decoration:underline;">both</span> of you want it to. A couple of sessions with a good counselor might be enough to make your husband see that things can get better and that he needs to participate in the work. Or...it might not, if he is determined to dismiss it as helpful.<br><br>
It certainly can't hurt, though.<br><br>
I'm so sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
647 Posts
Is there a chance he's seeing someone else? When a husband/wife tells their partner that they love them but they're not in love with them, and it's a shock to the partner that all these years they've been unhappy, affairs are often the case.<br><br>
Since I don't honestly know your situation I'm not assuming that is what is happening but I've read a lot on another forum about these things and there is almost a script for people involved in affairs. They say "I love you but I'm not in love with you," they agree to marriage counseling even though they don't have any hope so they can justify their departure by saying they tried counseling but it didn't work.<br><br>
I'd be upfront with the counselor about what he said. You deserve the best counseling possible so that means all information necessary to help counts. It wouldn't really be productive to hide that, would it?<br><br>
I'm so sorry you have to be in this situation. I hope you all can find the help you need.
 

·
Registered
3
Joined
·
3,771 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I'm absolutely 100% positive that he's not involved with someone else. I almost wish he was- then I'd know what I was up against. The only "other people involved" that could be complicating things, is his two (nonbiological) sisters, one who's my best friend (I've been spending alot of time with her) and the other who's his best friend (He's been spending alot of time with her, and another mutual friend, a guy, who's been his best friend for 21 years and a good friend of mine for a while, now (we've both been spending alot of time with him, seperately). And that's our only little circle of friends here.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>andisunshine</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14710657"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">They say "I love you but I'm not in love with you," they agree to marriage counseling even though they don't have any hope so they can justify their departure by saying they tried counseling but it didn't work.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
That thought has crossed my mind, so he can say he tried everything.<br><br>
It's so confusing- one moment he'll be practically ignoring me or, the other day, for the first time since we've been together, he actually yelled at me (we've used raised voices before, but nobody's ever yelled at the other before), or he'll spend the night in the livingroom crying or in bed literally trying not to fall off his side of the bed, as far away from me as possible, but then the next day, he'll squeeze my hand as he leaves for work or go grocery shopping and come back with my favorite ice cream (expensive brand- he prefers buying the cheaper brands) or, a couple nights ago, he actually wrapped his arm around me and held me close as we were going to sleep, and it wasn't an accident- we'd both just laid down, were both awake, and both said goodnight after he did so. I'm not sure he knows what he wants.<br><br>
Question- we both have two different insurances- me from my job and him from his job. When we see a marriage counselor, does she need to take both insurances or does anyone know how that works?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,192 Posts
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been to couples counseling and I think it was beneficial. I live in your area and my sister is currently in couples counseling with her DH. If you want the name of her counselor, PM me. Not all counselors take insurance so you'd want to see if s/he would take even one of your insurance first.<br><br>
Maybe once your DH goes to a session or two, he might see that it is helpful and be willing to continue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,968 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Sorry, Harley.<br><br>
This sounds similar to what happened with my first husband about three years into our marriage, though in his case there was someone else (emotional, not physical--she lived in another country). We went to two marriage counseling sessions--he decided it was BS; I went for another two sessions by myself and decided my counselor was a lousy fit.<br><br>
We did reconcile for reasons unrelated to the marriage counseling (see: emotional affair in another country--she dumped him, I took him back), but we never really recovered. We divorced pretty amicably three years after that.<br><br>
Insurance may or may not pay for couples counseling at all, sorry to say--mine covered individual counseling, so my therapist billed all of our sessions as individual.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,639 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I'm sorry! I was wondering what happened - you haven't been posting much.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
WRT the counseling, I would give it a try. Everyone's situations differ, but we found a handful of sessions really helpful. I would try to get a recommendation from someone who has had a good experience with that counselor, if you can. Maybe try FYT?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,282 Posts
I'm sorry.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Marriage counseling helped save our marriage. However, we were both deeply invested in at least trying our very best.<br><br>
If you find a good counselor, s/he can help you and your partner, and maybe your partner will change his mind and decide to work on things more. However, if his heart isn't in it, for whatever reason, then I don't give it much hope. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
What counseling can do, though, is help *you.* It can also help you and your partner split up better, if it comes to that.<br><br>
Hang in there and update us when you can.
 

·
Registered
3
Joined
·
3,771 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I wrote him a letter last night, basically telling everything that's been on my mind, and telling him some things he needs to know, like the fact that, without going into details, I've got some issues that I probably need therapy for and shouldn't have tried to hide from him, but was afraid that if he knew, he'd see the same weaknesses in me as he sees in my Mother and in his ExWife, and that I was afraid he'd leave me for it. I told him, regardless of whether he stays with me or not, I need to work on these things, because they're affecting my life more and more. I also told him that, if he really can't find happiness with me, if he can't wait for me to fix me, then he should leave, not that I want him to, but that I don't want him to be miserable. (This whole "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" thing sure stings right now- I stayed by him through four years of fighting in court with his ExWife, 10 months of unemployment, him lying to me for two years about wanting a baby, my biggest dream, when he didn't and a false arrest!). I gave him the letter last night before bed, he told me he would read it during his lunch break today. He woke early and read it before I woke. He said he still cares about me and will always be my friend and, together or apart, he will be there to help me with my problems in any way he can. He said, even if it comes to us being apart, he won't cut me out of his daughter's life, I can still see her on weekends he has her, he'll still see my son as well. I hope this means he will have an open enough mind to stick with marriage counselling- he still cares about me.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top