Mothering Forum banner

How were you raised?

  • by gd parents

    Votes: 15 6.4%
  • by parents who were mostly gd, but hit, yelled, shamed, coerced, and/or punished too

    Votes: 60 25.4%
  • by parents who did not hit, but yelled, shamed, coerced, and/or punished

    Votes: 26 11.0%
  • by parents who hit, shamed, coerced, and/or punished

    Votes: 97 41.1%
  • by parents who were mostly permissive

    Votes: 13 5.5%
  • by parents who were abusive way beyond spanking on the bottom

    Votes: 25 10.6%
1 - 20 of 60 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,605 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The breaking the cycle thread has really got me thinking. I'm sure this has probably been asked before, but I can't search for it<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> . So please share with me, how were you raised? I was wondering how many mommas here trying to gd their children were/weren't raised gd. Are you on the journey of repeating the cycle of gd or breaking the cycle of violence or otherwise non-gd parenting?<br>
Will you wonderful mommas share what you took away from your parents discipline, what you strive to live up to or not ever do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,897 Posts
Luckily, I'm repeating the cycle of GD. I was raised GD. I thank my lucky stars every single day.<br><br><br>
Though I am doing some things differently than my parents, for the most part I am simply doing what they did. I'm more laid back and "crunchy" than they are (other than practicing GD, my parents are about as mainstream as they come), so it looks a little different in my household, but it's essentially the same thing.<br><br>
I give HUGE credit, love and admiration to those who are breaking the cycle and determined to use GD with their children. I struggle sometimes and I was raised this way, I cannot imagine how difficult it is for those who don't have a GD childhood to look back on. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,541 Posts
I'm going completely against how I was raised. I was *spanked* with everything from a hand to a belt to a flyswatter and a broom. I was belittled, yelled at, shamed...(my father used to like to make me wear dresses to school after a spanking, so that "Everyone can see what a bad girl you are"...i.e. they could see the bruises on my legs )<br><br>
I am not anywhere near the perfect gd parent, but I am breaking the cycle with my dc, and hopefully, they'll be able to do even better than I am. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,922 Posts
Working really hard to break the cycle here.<br><br>
I didn't get hit a lot, but the verbal abuse was unbearable.<br><br>
I spent a lot of time trying to make myself not love my parents, so it wouldn't hurt so much.<br><br>
I'm working really hard on making sure my kid knows that we're on the same team.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,239 Posts
None of the options really apply to me as my parents did spank but they never shamed/cohersed us. My mom was the one who did 99% of the disipline as my father worked but she rarly raised her voice she didnt need to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
837 Posts
I was never hit, but there was so much tension and anger in my household as kids, that it takes every ounce of strength in me not to resort to passive aggressive nastiness when things get tough. I find myself lashing out at DH all the time over nothing, and realize "I am just like my Mom". The thought no one ever wants to have. So now, together, we are working to stop that and work to have a peaceful household so that our son has a better life than we did.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,738 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">None of the options really apply to me as my parents did spank but they never shamed/cohersed us. My mom was the one who did 99% of the disipline as my father worked but she rarly raised her voice she didnt need to.</td>
</tr></table></div>
Ditto. I was spanked maybe 5 times ever. I was never humiliated or coerced. If I was doing something inappropriate, I was asked to stop and warned that if I continued then I would be spanked. I knew that my parents would follow through with that, but I always had a chance to correct my behavior.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,270 Posts
My mom was pretty gd. However, I did get spanked once (when I was like 7 and called her a bunch of bad names then ran away, crossing a major street in the middle of traffic!) Other than that, my mom would use time out while we both calmed down (we both have tempers) and then come talk to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,840 Posts
I can't answer the poll. (And I don't want to get all nit picky, but I am unsure as to how "mostly gd" a parent can be if they still hit and shame...but that's not the point here lol)<br><br>
My mom was a very strange mix of permissive and strict-ish. If we were going to label her approach in some areas it could be called "Clueless-avoid serious topics- hope the kid figures it out Parenting" I did get some spankings but they ended in late childhood. She slapped me on the face when I was 12 or 13 (It was a heated moment. She was grieving and I was being really unpleasant, but it's no excuse.) and I told her that if she ever did it again I'd probably hit her back. That was the end of that lol.<br><br>
She gave me curfews and such and I mostly respected them, during the school year as a young kid I had a bedtime and all that stuff but she was cool about that. So strange that some of the areas she was so great at, and some areas it was pretty rough. I guess we all have those spots.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
319 Posts
i was not rasied gd. i was abused consistently, though not constantly.<br><br>
the verbal and psychological abuse were worse than the physical, and it is their effects i work so hard to combat to this day.<br><br>
i am working very hard to manage/overcome my anger and resentment so that i can parent my children with the love and respect and *guidance* they deserve.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
403 Posts
I was hit, shamed, yelled at, called names, really just treated awfully. Some of it was more passive (like when I asked to take ballet and my father told me that to dance you had to be tall, skinny and graceful and I was none of those so they weren't going to waste there money - and although I was short, I was by no means overweight or excessively clumsy, but I didn't know that at the time). Some of it was much more blatent. I was spanked with belts, brushes, switches, spatulas, rulers, paddles, hands.... I was spanked on the butt, back of my legs, hands, lower back. I was slapped and swatted on whatever part was handy occassionally, but my father was a real sadist and thoroughly enjoyed a full, formal spanking.<br><br>
It was not a happy childhood. I voted the last option.<br><br>
I also don't understand how someone can be mostly gd but be verbally abusive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,936 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>UnschoolnMa</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I can't answer the poll. (And I don't want to get all nit picky, but I am unsure as to how "mostly gd" a parent can be if they still hit and shame...but that's not the point here lol)<br></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
That was my first thought when I read the poll. I thought the OP actually made a mistake, but then I realized it she did not.....<br><br>
I'd have to say my mom did try gd, but not very successfully I think. She never hit as far as I remember, but she was a nervous wreck and her misarable life and mood reflected in all of us. I HATED being home because the atmosfere was always very tense and unpleasant. She had lots of breakdowns, she would pass out many times because she could not handle my older brother - he drove her insane.<br>
My dad was nasty - hitting us, beating us, humilliation - I never deserved anything. Everytime he'd give me something he'd ALWAYS say "BUT you do NOT deserve it!" That was my biggest problem as an adult - trying to reverse that thinking that I don't deserve anything in my life.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,605 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
First, sorry to those who can't answer. I knew I wasn't covering every type of parent, but I thought it might be enough for people to pick one close to, yk? I had about a dozen different answers written down in my notebook and kinda narrowed them down so everyone wouldn't have to read a dozen anwers. I guess I should have made it with more options? Thanks to all mommas who share regardless of whether I tagged your parents particular way in the choices or not! I appreciate it<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br>
Second, I meant to answer here myself right away, but what can I say, I'm a mom<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br>
I'm answering mostly gd. And what I mean by that is most of the time I was handled in a gd type of way, but I was handled in the other ways too at times. My dad hit us with a belt when I was very young(he's the children have to mind and fear us type), but my mom handled most of the discipline and she was pretty gd. She occasionally yelled or punished though, not often, like I was grounded several times when I was a teen.<br>
So I am thankful to my mom, who by the way left my dad and remarried<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> . When I was 15 my little brother was born and he was raised gd. So I got the benefit of seeing that and participated quite a bit in caring for him.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> .<br>
I feel that I was loved and treated(mostly) with respect and my feelings were cared about and my parents made an effort to spend alot of time with us as a family. So that's what I have taken away from my parents that was positive and worth repeating.<br>
The hitting and punishment, <b>not</b> worth repeating.<br>
I am not perfect(duh) but I think noncoercive parenting is ideal for me so I try to keep it in mind as what I strive for. Sometimes it goes better than others. When I am coercive I recognize it as such and know I could have done better. I do not beat myself up about it or anything though, that would be silly, IMO. I just know it was not neccessary and think about ways I may be able to handle the same situation better, yk? I also make a big effort to admit, own, and make amends for my shortcomings when they affect my kids. I don't remember my parents doing this and I it is important to me. I also believe(hope) that as I grow and learn and my kids do too, that beong noncoercive will get easier.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">(And I don't want to get all nit picky, but I am unsure as to how "mostly gd" a parent can be if they still hit and shame...but that's not the point here lol)</td>
</tr></table></div>
Yeah I got ya! I just meant that 8 or 9 out of 10 situations were handled gd but the other ones not so much!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,605 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">None of the options really apply to me as my parents did spank but they never shamed/cohersed us. My mom was the one who did 99% of the disipline as my father worked but she rarly raised her voice she didnt need to.</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Ditto. I was spanked maybe 5 times ever. I was never humiliated or coerced. If I was doing something inappropriate, I was asked to stop and warned that if I continued then I would be spanked. I knew that my parents would follow through with that, but I always had a chance to correct my behavior.</td>
</tr></table></div>
<i>by parents who hit, shamed, coerced, and/or punished</i><br><br>
I think both of you would fall under this answer, wouldn't you? Sorry if my choices didn't make sense everybody, I tried<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: . This choice means your parents did any one of these things exclusively as discipline or any mix of these things as discipline. So if your parents hit but not the other things and were not gd at all you'd still be under here I guess<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> Am I making any sense?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,324 Posts
I voted "mostly gd, but..."<br>
My mom, quite gd I'd say (at least up until my teen years). She was respectful of us, and redirected and explained and all that. She did spank in "safety situations" twice for me, and maybe once for my brother (she says- I don't remember). I don't recall yelling or grounding, or any real punishments from her before my teen years. After I turned 13 though...lol. Her favorite phrase was "you're grounded- 3 months!!!" We yelled at each other a lot, and said some pretty not-nice things back and forth.<br>
My dad, not gd. He put us "in the corner" a bit. I'm pretty sure he spanked us. They divorced when I was 6, then he became very permissive with me, and just kinda neglectful to my brother. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
My brother and I were mostly raised by my grandparents until my parents divorced (dad hardly worked, and seeing as how he'd smoke pot in the car with us, mom thought it best for us to be stay with them while she worked. And since she had to work a lot, we were there a lot.) As you'd guess, we were "spoiled" with love. They must not have been too permissive, because I don't believe we really "misbehaved" a lot. I think they used explanations and all that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,939 Posts
Mostly gd. My parents did punish me, including a few spankings, but not that much or that often. They did a lot of things that I wouldn't do, but they made a sincere effort to teach through reasoning and example, and to let me be my own person, rather than being strictly punitive. There were rules, but I was always allowed to give my opinion if I thought a rule was unreasonable, and they did listen. They relied heavily on expectations, not really with any threat or reward, but just "this is what you do," and I mostly did what was expected of me. I guess they would be called authoritative.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,757 Posts
My parents were mostly GD. They did spank sometimes (mostly when I was very little and "couldn't be reasoned with") and they hit me with a belt twice (I didn't get any bruises or anything from any of it), but they gave warnings first and there weren't many things that warranted hitting us. By the time I was 12 I wasn't hit ever again. I was grounded once from spending the night at friends' houses because we took a midnight walk on a school night and got caught...<br><br>
love and peace. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,242 Posts
My parents were pretty GD-- they didn't do "time outs" or "grounding", nor did they give a lot of rewards/praise (I was always jealous of kids who got money for A's in school!). Our family focused a lot on cooperation and working together, which I'm trying to instill in DS as well. However, they did use guilt and a very occasional spanking (I think I was only spanked twice, each time on the butt, over my dad's knee). I don't remember what the spankings were for, but I remember that I thought I had done something really bad (something dangerous, like running into the street) but that it was very humiliating. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> So, there were many good things that I want to emulate with DS, but also some patterns I'm trying to avoid.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,629 Posts
My dad was mostly GD but would spank.<br><br>
My mom is a Dobson-ite through and through. She still tries to make it like she's superior even though I'm now an adult, with a home and a family of my own.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,146 Posts
My parents were verbally and emotionally abusive and I still kind of hate them for it. I am trying very hard to break the cycle. I am actually very gentle with my infant son but find myself being sarcastic my husband. It makes me feel awful and every day I try harder and harder to get rid of the habit.
 
1 - 20 of 60 Posts
Top