[JeanetteL]

Hey all,
I know this topic has been covered a time or two (or twelve hundred) on this forum - but I'd love to hear about the different ways you all handle this common issue, and hear what works in your family.

My dd - age two - is definitely working through something lately, and one of the obvious manifestations of this is a recent occurance of frequent tantrums (we've had them now and again of course, but never on a regular basis). I find myself very unsure of what to do - I have two very conflicting instincts and I'm not sure which one to follow, so I usually end up flip-flopping between the two and confusing the issue entirely!

Instinct 1:
Ignore the tantrum, do nothing to reward the behaviour. Either walk away or give her no attention until she is calm. I understand the logic that not rewarding the behaviour may make it dissappear faster - but I feel like a big meanie, and wonder if my expectations are too high.

Instinct 2:
Gently talk, guide or comfort her through it. Hold her, soothe her - help her work through the issues. This feels right from a gentle parenting mindset - but it also feels like I am rewarding the tantrum and perhaps prolonging/encouraging the behaviour.

Two important things I do want to make sure I am doing.
1. I want her to know that it is okay to be mad, frustrated and even to have a tantrum if she needs to - but that it won't "get" her something other than an emotional release. I don't want to teach her that her feelings, or how she chooses to display them, are unacceptable - but just that they won't result in her getting her way when I've said no.

2. I want to give her tools and language to use to deal with her feelings of frustration, anger, etc (and hopefully reduce the tantrums when possible) Thanks to Lovebeads I've started using hand signals to remind her to "stop and breath" but it is too early to tell if they are working.

Anyway, that was a long explanation - I look forward to hearing from the pros!

Jeanette

 

[Kylix]

My instinct is to soothe and comfort the child after the tantrum. I would want to comfort them during it but some children don't want to be held while they are angry and then with others it is difficult to hold them with their limbs flailing.

I would try something like...saying a simple, concise sentence "when you've calmed down a bit, i'll be here to talk you through this problem". And once the angry, stomping, leg flailing is over, to scoop up the child, nurse or rock him/her, and talk about the issue at hand in a gentle way.

I guess that's a combination of both? However, I'm hesitant to say that becuase I don't think it is ignoring the tantrum. I think it is giving the child space to get ahold of their emotions. If I felt my particular child couldn't get through the tantrum without me holding them, than I would do that too. But I wouldn't ever punish my young child for a tantrum. It is a developmental phase.

Is that of any help?

Kylix

 

[Peppermint]

Most of the time, my kids do not want to be held or talked to during a tantrum, which is hard, cause I want to fix it right then

Usually, I say, "I want to help you, please let me know if you want my help", then I sit down either in the room (if that isn't making it worse) or go to the next room, but I stay close by so they have the help when they are ready.

I know from the occassional pregnancy hormonal state

that it is hard to feel so out of control and I often want to be left alone too, but not abandoned.

I think there is a difference with the age/development of the child, my 2 y.o. is just starting the occassional tantrum and I know he just doesn't know what else to do, my 3.5 y.o. on the other hand, does have words to use, and knows the best way to get needs met is to talk. I have to take so many things into consideration, is she tired? is she hungry? is she getting sick? does she have a canker sore? (those make it so hard to talk sometimes).

I'd rather err on the side of "coddling" but I know sometimes my own frustration makes me react in a bad way to tantrums.

I think so long as you don't "give in" to the behavior or whatever caused the tantrum (ie- my ds often gets mad when I do not allow him to sit on his sister's head when she's laying on the floor

) and you simply help them through the anger when they are ready, then you are not going to make for more tantrums. OTOH- if he tantrumed and I said, "OK, I see your upset, go ahead and sit on her head again", that might make the tantrums worse. Just guessing on that, not about to try it out

 

[Kylix]

I think what Patty said was the key to what I was trying to get at.

She mentioned leaving the child alone in their anger but not abadoning them. I too know that sometimes I want my space when I am upset and out of control but most importantly I want to know that my loved ones are on my side, are there to support me and are ready and willing to talk when I am.

Also, as long as it is clear to the child that you are supportive and accepting of their feelings but not of their actions/misbehavior, then soothing and comforting a tantrum will not produce the negative results that you fear.

Kylix