Poly Families

eilonwy · Sep 18, 2008

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>dhinderliter</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12199193"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">can i do a survey? i was recently asked "what do you want out of a poly relationship" and although i "feel" what i want i just can't put it into words. can everyone here put there (realistic) wants into words? and i mean everything from sex x times a week/month, to x conversations or even if you want live in or live out etc. what do you want to satisfy and what would you say if this were on an essay questionare type thing.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
In the long-term, I'd like other lovers to join our family unit (probably men, but I'm open-minded <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">.) I think that what I want is called a polypod.<br><br>
Short term, I need a hell of a lot more sex than I have and I'd really like a stable place to live. In other words, while it's very important and fun to think about, other things are definately taking priority over polyamory these days. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/guilty.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="guilty">

Hera · Sep 18, 2008

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>dhinderliter</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12199193"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">can i do a survey? i was recently asked "what do you want out of a poly relationship" and although i "feel" what i want i just can't put it into words. can everyone here put there (realistic) wants into words? and i mean everything from sex x times a week/month, to x conversations or even if you want live in or live out etc. what do you want to satisfy and what would you say if this were on an essay questionare type thing.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I'm looking for community, a group of friends. I don't necessarily need them to move into my home, but my long-term goal does involve some kind of intentional community/ compound/ farm kind of living situation. Everybody gets their own small cottage or yurt kind of thing. I find a lot of appeal in the idea of moving out of my house and into a small apartment or something, and still being in a committed relationship with my dp. In the short term, I want a second male partner (my new boy situation is currently complicated, love him to pieces but he's a fool for love) who can bring passionate love into my life...passion is not in my dp's nature, though I love him for other qualities. I would like him to have another female partner to love, or for him to be able to date around a bit. Doesn't have to be the HBB, I don't need for us to share partners, though I'm not opposed to the idea. I want more loving adults in my children's lives, people to cook for, to go out dancing with...committed, loving, trustworthy partners. Ahem.

happyhippimama · Sep 18, 2008

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Hera</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12202389"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm looking for community, a group of friends. I don't necessarily need them to move into my home, but my long-term goal does involve some kind of intentional community/ compound/ farm kind of living situation. Everybody gets their own small cottage or yurt kind of thing. .</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I too LOVE this idea. This is my dream. Does this really happen? If it does please tell me where it is. We live in SC and do not want to uproot our kids again anytime soon. But if we could find something like that that we could plan on doing in the next couple of years, we would totally do it.

Indigo73 · Sep 18, 2008

Sounds kinda like the Ravenheart clan, which shrinks and grows.<br><br>
I mean, I love the idea of an intentional community but it would have to be built up by a core that I really really trust. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Because relationships tend to ebb and flow too much in my experience to have folk living in close proximity.<br><br>
My ideal poly configuration is a network, which I guess is what I have. We are primary partners, but also part of a network of partners and lovers. Some folk have primary partners as well as several secondaries. A lot of our friendship and romantic relationships blend into one another. We've been poly for over a decade, able to connect with the local community. We are also extremely open. So anyone who knows us well know that two my best friends are my DP's former lovers.

Sisyphus · Sep 18, 2008

HI all <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I have been wondering something lately, because of a lot of other stuff going on in my life that I won't go into here, and wanted to see if anyone else has ever had this thought.<br><br>
I have never felt like monogamy was the ideal... that it was actually setting everyone up for failure because it's just not natural. But I have tried to live a mono life up to now.<br><br>
I was thinking about it and the thought crossed my mind that I wonder if my desire for a poly "lifestyle" (sorry if that's a bad word to use, I can't think of a better one at the moment) is a self-protection thing. I mean, maybe I want to have a primary partner and the ability to have secondaries as a protection against putting all of my emotional eggs into one basket?? Am I just afraid of committing to one person? Is my desire for poly really a "symptom" of my dysfunction?<br><br>
I don't think it is... part of what is confusing me at the moment is that my dh is totally and completely 100% unavailable emotionally. We have no emotional, spiritual, physical or mental connection at all. I'm STARVING for that connection. I wonder if I *got* that with someone, if I'd be content to be mono... I just can't imagine ONE person being able to do all of that... I mean, that just seems like a lot of stuff for one person and a lot of responsibility. KWIM?<br><br>
So... what do you think? If it helps, what I really want is a primary relationship with the ability to openly pursue other relationships (with either gender) if/when I connect with someone. That just seems so natural and "normal" to me.

mehndi mama · Sep 18, 2008

Given the prevalence of affairs and divorce, I think you're right in saying that it isn't really "natural" to expect one person to fill all of those needs for you. Many people do it, and some do it very well (and they are likely those who are "naturally monogomous"), but the rest of us struggle along until we realize that we don't need to struggle so hard.<br><br>
I certainly don't get all of my emotional needs filled by my husband. When I tried to do that, I was miserable!

Hera · Sep 19, 2008

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sisyphus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12206414"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I was thinking about it and the thought crossed my mind that I wonder if my desire for a poly "lifestyle" (sorry if that's a bad word to use, I can't think of a better one at the moment) is a self-protection thing. I mean, maybe I want to have a primary partner and the ability to have secondaries as a protection against putting all of my emotional eggs into one basket?? Am I just afraid of committing to one person? Is my desire for poly really a "symptom" of my dysfunction?<br></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I don't know, honey, I wonder the same thing myself. But...in my case I know I love my dp and I want to spend at least another decade with him, raising the kids together and stuff. I don't like absolute words like "forever" but it could happen. He's my best friend. But, he's not particularly emotional either, or spiritual. We don't have passion. We have friendship and excellent communication, but he's very logical and calculating, and not intuitive or emotional at all. He's very vanilla, not playful, and not at all impulsive most of the time. So I find myself looking for somewhat irresponsible, passionate, playful partners who want to go out dancing with me, who like to dress up in fun costumes, who don't really care what time we get home or whether we've got a place to sleep or just end up crashing in the car or staying up all night...and this isn't what I'd want from my one and only partner, but it gives me something I need.<br><br>
It's nice to have other people around for the kids, too. More adults to interact with them, people who play different games. It's fun for me to have people I can just hang out with, without all of the domestic responsibilities and struggles. It's nice to not feel obligated to see somebody every day, too.

lexbeach · Sep 19, 2008

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>happyhippimama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12205701"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I too LOVE this idea. This is my dream. Does this really happen? If it does please tell me where it is. We live in SC and do not want to uproot our kids again anytime soon. But if we could find something like that that we could plan on doing in the next couple of years, we would totally do it.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
That's our dream too! I think there are a lot of people with this dream, actually. It's just so hard to know where to begin to make it all happen.<br><br>
Lex

Sisyphus · Sep 19, 2008

THere is a new co-housing community being built in Crozet, VA (close to Charlottesville) and if you google co-housing, there's websites, etc. devoted to the nuts and bolts of how to start one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

crayon · Sep 23, 2008

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Hera</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12202389"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm looking for community, a group of friends. I don't necessarily need them to move into my home, but my long-term goal does involve some kind of intentional community/ compound/ farm kind of living situation. Everybody gets their own small cottage or yurt kind of thing.<br><br>
and....<br><br><br><br>
I want more loving adults in my children's lives, people to cook for, to go out dancing with...committed, loving, trustworthy partners.Ahem.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I could have wrote that! Maybe some of us MDC mamas need to compound it up with our families! I often think about rural areas (like where I life) that have trees, water, cheap land.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">:<br><br>
I know that "the farm" is not a poly style living community but how the heck did they get that many people to live like that?<br><br>
Off to read info suggested by Sisyphus

Hera · Sep 24, 2008

There are several co-housing options in my area, too, I can think of 4 off the top of my head and I'm sure there are more.<br><br>
But really I'm posting because my drama continues and I need hugs to sustain me. Hug me, mamas! My (the pronoun is debatable these days) boy would like my support in his process, and would like to tell me what his playa wife/ new girlfriend means to him. So, I said I'd be a big girl and go listen, but I'm terrified...because the girl's sexual risk is such that my family is not interested in being exposed to her, so it's a her or me situation. Very sad. It's all a big mess right now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">

MamaRhi · Sep 24, 2008

*hug* Hera

majikfaerie · Sep 24, 2008

crayon · Sep 24, 2008

Ah Hera, Hugs mama... Take care of yourself. Your heart will find a safe place to fall. I wish you hugs. Sounds like you are making a wise choice even if painful.

Sisyphus · Sep 24, 2008

Hugs, Hera... it's tough, but you'll make the right decision. It will become clear. Sorry you have to go through this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">

eilonwy · Sep 24, 2008

damona · Sep 25, 2008

<span style="font-size:medium;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> hera, i hope that things work out the way you want them to mama.<br><br>
we are having a bit of drama in our not-so-little family these last few days, as well. mine and otherDH's girlfriends' DH (hope y'all got that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> ) has decided that he really doesn't want to share his wife anymore, so there have been hurt feelings, quite a bit of arguing and some downright nastiness. i'm trying to stay out of it, cuz that's <i>their</i> relationship, but i also want to help since they are both close friends and i love them both and i know how much this is breaking my friends heart. otherDH has pretty much written this guy off, and i see more drama in the future... oy.</span>

majikfaerie · Sep 25, 2008

wow damona. sounds complicated. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/goodvibes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Goodvibes">:

Sisyphus · Sep 30, 2008

How cool is this...<br><br>
I just spent the weekend with five terrific gf's that I know from our UU summer camp (<a href="http://www.suusi.org" target="_blank">www.suusi.org</a>)... we've known each other three years, but this is the first time we've all gotten together outside of SUUSI.<br><br>
I found out this weekend that one of them is in a poly relationship. And she is a PhD psychologist <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> WOW. Just WOW. I have seen their marriage (albeit on a limited basis) and it always struck me as totally egalitarian, loving and respectful.<br><br>
Gives me so much hope to find that for myself!!!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">:<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">:<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">:

majikfaerie · Sep 30, 2008

that does sound cool <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
manifesting one's own reality starts with believing in the possibility

Poly Families

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Premium Member

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered

Registered