Mothering Forum banner

1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,307 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, everbody:<br><br>
I guess I'm at one of those stages that I need reconfirmation and reaffirmation that I'm doing is alright. I basically use two books for disciplining my child -- The Discipline Book and the Positive Discipline series by Jane Nelsen et al. I really like the balance but now I'm worried that Positive Discipline would just work in theory.<br><br>
My question: <b>are there any moms out there who have consistently used Positive Discipline methods (and have children already out of the toddler stage) who can tell me the results?</b><br><br>
I guess I would like to hear how "it works" (a vast majority of the time anyway) and they feel much happier with their relationship with their children, that their children are a pleasure to be around with, etc.<br><br>
But I would also like to hear any negative comments, if any.<br><br>
How does the PD philosophy work in practical examples? Do you find your children responding favorably, being respectful, responsible and more capable?<br><br>
Thanks!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
i'm not quite the person you want to hear from, as my son is only 21 months old...but i wanted to say that those are the only 2 books i have on positive/gentle discipline and i'm very happy with both of them. i find that the Jane Nelsen isn't as specific about strategies but is VERY helpful to me philosophy-wise. my son is normally a pretty mellow kid, and never really had too many discipline issues before i started reading it, but the biggest difference i've noticed is with ME. reading those books really relaxes me and helps me to look at my relationship with my son differently and helps me to stay laid back about his little "issues".<br><br>
i'm also curious to see what those with older toddlers will say...sorry i'm not of much help, but i just wanted to say that i love the books! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
362 Posts
First of all, you need to let go of this idea that there is one book or discipline style that will solve all your problems. You and your child are unique humans who have different experiences. Since your lives are unique you have to bend a great deal to make things work for you family.<br><br>
With that said, I have a 2 children (4.6 and 2) and I find that everything that I've learned from the PD series and The Discipline Book to be incredibly helpful. I have, however also found the following books to be incredibly helpful and feel like we should constantly be looking for helpful pointers in our parenting journey:<br><br>
Kids Are Worth It by Coloroso<br>
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk./.<br>
Raising Your Spirited Child<br>
Bringing out the Best in your child and yourself, by Irene Val Essen<br>
The Edison Trait: Saving the spirit of your non-conforming child<br><br>
My only caveat with the PD series is that they are overtly negative about certain AP choices, like sharing sleep and extended breastfeeding. I just ignore those parts.<br><br>
I believe that there is a great sticky at the top of this forum with a list of resources.....Good luck! And Thank you for researching how to lovingly guide your child!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,295 Posts
I was wondering about this book as well. I was in Barnes and Noble recently and flipped to a page where she advocated Cry it Out. It totally turned me off and I ddin't get it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,307 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks, mamas. I loved to hear from you too, Michelle.<br><br>
I also ignore the parts that are not AP-friendly. I never CIO, breastfeed my toddler and share a family bed.<br><br>
Iguanavere, you're right. However, I need some books to anchor me because I have to reprogram myself so to speak. I've been spanked (not that many times, but very memorable) and have received countless negative messages over the years I spent living with my mom (my father was positive).<br><br>
I think partly as a result, I'm often need a boost in self-confidence, sself-worth and don't feel capable in many regards. Just now I'm starting to practice basic things, like cleaning <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I just really like PD and Sears and feel that their philosophies speak to me.. basically, that's how I want to raise my child. I also like How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... a lot! I'm getting that too.<br><br>
Thanks,
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,605 Posts
1st...be careful w/PD because if you use that "acronym" here, most folks will see it as physical discipline which is VERY different. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yikes">:<br>
I love Nelson's book AND Sear's book. Just pick and choose and do what works for your family. What I took from Nelson was: stay calm, state their options & then calmly follow through w/o getting into long tearful or angry dialog. And, really, do pick your battles and the approp. times. My kids are super into having a choice.<br><br>
But...I do think her book/philos. is very unpopular here.<br><br>
Good luck!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,307 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"> Oops.. good point, BusyMommy!<br><br>
PD as <b>positive</b> discipline, we do NOT spank here! As a matter of fact, I'm committed to non-punitive methods as a whole.<br><br>
Curious to see what other parents are saying. Wow, I would think that people could ignore her statements on CIO and family bed (she advocates independence, but I think she's flawed on how to achieve it in the sleep department) because all her other methods are so gentle and non-punitive.<br><br>
That was an eye-opener.<br><br>
Cheers,
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
i didn't even remember that she was pro-CIO or anti-cosleeping, it didn't even register with me to notice it. LOL with things that i'm less certain about i'm more likely to remember it and wonder "hm...i wonder if she has a point there" but with CIO and co-sleeping, i am absolutely non-wavering so it didn't even show up on my radar. i'm sure i read it and was like "nope, not for me, next?" LOL
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,022 Posts
I personally like the Jane Nelsen books. She has another one called <span style="text-decoration:underline;">Positive Discipline A to Z</span> that's very specific and lists situations (A to Z) and explains how to handle them using positive discipline.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
304 Posts
Hi Sagira -<br><br>
I didn´t read the books that you mention.<br>
Just wanted to mention that for gentle discipline I love Marshall Rosenberg and Inbal Kashtan and Non-violent communication.<br><a href="http://www.cnvc.org/index.htm" target="_blank">http://www.cnvc.org/index.htm</a><br>
They help me tremendously in the way I deal with my 6 year old. And other people for that matter!<br>
It works for kids and adults alike and focuses on attending to each others needs and feelings.<br>
Wonderful!<br><br>
Hope this helps!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,086 Posts
DS is nearly four, and we've dealt with a variety of discipline issues through the years like most parents of young kids, and well, I've come up with a "final four" of books that fit our families needs well: <i>Kids Are Worth It! Kids, Parents and Power Struggles, How To Talk..., and PLAYFUL PARENTING</i> Can't say enough about that last one. Aside from that, my own mood makes the weather, my approach that creates the climate (paraphrase from a quote in the first book mentioned here) and my example <span style="text-decoration:underline;">over time</span> that tends to be the bottom line.<br><br>
I think for me it helps not to be result oriented. I do this because it's a way of treating DS that feels humanely correct, not to control behavior so to speak. Not that I don't wish for my child to be cooperative and respectful, but through the course of time he's going to need to experiment and foul up in order to learn all of these things and more importantly, why they're important in family/community living. The bottom line has been so far that my example and my willingness to connect rather than disconnect through discipline (and otherwise), has been the most effective, rewarding and sustaining theme through our short four years (I know we've still got a long way to go!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">). When things are going well and easy, it's usually because I'm taking time to just be with DS everyday, truly connect/play with him for as much as he seems to need (somedays it's a few minutes here and there, others it's hours), I'm including him whenever and wherever I can and by all means, making sure he' gets plenty of exersize, activity, wholesome food. The connecting part is key--filling that love cup = DS overall feeling good and not likely doing things that are well, behaviorally speaking, a problem. I find the more time I spend with DS letting him take the lead in play or whatever, the more time I have to get those things done I need to, etc. but it's not always easy to keep this in mind:<br><br>
If I'm distracted, if I'm not willing to make connections in favor of 'getting things done' at all costs, if I'm <i>tired</i>, grumpy, low on sleep... all bets are off. If I can't put mind over matter (and well, it DOES happen let's face it *sigh*) and simply (OR NOT!) take the time out he needs, than I can count on behavior issues and more importantly, due to my emotional status at the time, my ineffectiveness to deal with them. Viscious circle. Exhausting... last Wednesday morning. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:<br><br>
In general, we focus on discipline via problem solving and connection more than anything else. If there is an on-going issuing (we've dealt with some hitting and early on, some biting), we tend toward the principles of playful parenting, particularly in these early years where play can articulate to a parent what's REALLY going on and help them help their child to deal with it and move on. I have read the Sears Discipline Book because I adored the Baby Book, but it didn't speak to me the way I thought it might. Time-out is not something that works for our family, but I know for some it's a workable solution. I haven't read the other book.<br><br>
Sorry if this is a ramble and particularly, if it's not what you're were looking for... feel free to disregard. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
The best to you,<br>
Em
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
722 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sagira</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My question: <b>are there any moms out there who have consistently used Positive Discipline methods (and have children already out of the toddler stage) who can tell me the results?</b></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
My kids are 6 and 8 and they are super. They are kind, they help around the house, they have common sense, and we can take them anywhere. We have never spanked or humilated them, we never slapped their hands as tots, and they have only had a handful of positive time outs in their lives (time out is our last resort for really bad behavoir). They are very mature for their ages.<br><br>
They have only had a few rules their whole lives. When they were little, we felt that being consistent was the most important thing and we felt that the fewer things we were trying to be consistent about, the better. They therefore could dress however they wanted to, sleep when they needed to, etc. We avoided power stuggles by sticking with only things that really mattered -- could my child end up in the ER if they do this? Are they hurting another person?<br><br>
We have a very relaxed relationship now. My kids know that if my DH and I tell them "no" about something, it is for a really good reason. When they were little and we told them no, we were very, very firm. We would tell them something once and then just make it so. For example, if we were walking across a parking lot and they wouldn't hold hands, we would remind them once and then pick them up -- even if they were mad. We didnt' expect them to happy about everything and we didn't beg.<br><br>
With our kids as old as they are and having been raised the way they have been, discipline is a non issue for us. We just talk to them. We give them guidelines and explain why. They know that we have their best at heart.<br><br>
I honestly can't even think of a recent example because they have good judgement.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
Wow...thanks, Linda...<br>
I am a mom who is, with a certain degree of hesitance, practicing PD...or GD...<br>
I have this inner fear that I'm going to "spoil" my ds, though...<br>
It's pretty rare that I "lay down the law"...(ds is only 15 month old)...<br>
But when I do, I enforce it.<br>
Anyway, it's good to hear that kids that aren't "punished" can turn out ok...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,307 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you, Linda KS! Wow, I guess that is <i>exactly</i> what I was hoping for. It's nice to hear from moms who have been in my place. You see, I have nobody around me who uses that form of discipline. Everyone I know punishes, either spanking, time-outs or getting angry and yelling. I love her approach, I've just never seen it in action except from myself (and my son is just 15 months old) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Thanks to all the mamas for their wonderful wisdom.<br><br>
Embee, I just got Playful Parenting for Christmas and I can't wait to start reading! In Positive Discipline, Jane Nelsen talks about positive time-out, which is not punitive but rather a break from the activity and a time to feel better because "children who feel better do better". After the child (and many times the parent too) has calmed down, the parent and child focus on solutions.<br><br>
Cheers!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,086 Posts
Linda... beautiful post. Affirming, indeed. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sagira</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Embee, I just got Playful Parenting for Christmas and I can't wait to start reading! In Positive Discipline, Jane Nelsen talks about positive time-out, which is not punitive but rather a break from the activity and a time to feel better because "children who feel better do better". After the child (and many times the parent too) has calmed down, the parent and child focus on solutions.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Happy reading! As to the postive time-out: this speaks much more to me than the Sears version of time-out. We've been known to take "breaks" around here... just time to calm ourselves, regroup and of course, connect. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
The best to you!
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
Top