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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I am embarrassed to even have to post this but I dont know what else to do.
My husband and I will be married 2 years this upcoming spring. Each of us have children from a previous Marriage. He has a 15 year old son and I have two daughters, one is 15 also and the other is 26 (not living at home anymore). Our Children (the 15 year olds) knew each other from school before my husband and myself knew each other. As far as we know they just knew of each other and weren't really friends. Throughout my husbands and I three years of dating and engagement, they were just typical early teenagers, arguing with each other and what not (typical brother and sister stuff). However recently they have seem to have gotten really really close. Not like brother and sister close, to me it seems as if its boyfriend girlfriend close. In each others room till late at night, always seemed to be attached at the hip. Last week, my mother in law came to the house unexpectedly while we were at work and both kids were home alone, she said what was strange to her was that our son answered the door, in his underwear and hair soaking wet as if he had just gotten out of the shower, and when asked where our daughter was, he told her that she was in the shower at that time. She does not know that prior to this we have had our own suspicions of something not quite right.
You can obviously see where I am going with this, am I just over thinking things? Or do I really need to be concerned with what I think might be going on? I thought about approaching the kids but not sure how to go about it...
 

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You are right to be concerned. It might be helpful to get the family to a family therapist rather quickly and try to get everything out in the open with some professional support. I might look to your local community mental health center for a referral.
 

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It wouldn't be at all unnatural for two unrelated kids of that age, living together, who were not raised as siblings, to form an attraction to one another. I don't think that alone is cause for concern, besides the obvious implications of how that would affect the family dynamics, the need for perhaps closer levels of supervision, etc. They are not brother and sister and were not raised as such, and I honestly don't see the need to rush to a family therapist over this-it would likely make them feel like they were doing something "wrong" as opposed to something simply complicated.

I would certainly talk to the kids, probably one-on-one, you to your daughter, and him to his son, about what is going on, and discussing the implications on the whole family if they want to have some sort of romantic or sexual relationship, and what that will look like. See what they say and keep an eye on things if they deny. If it were me, I'd make sure there was accessible birth control in the home as well just in case things go that route, seeing as they live together and therefore have a lot of access to one another!
 

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The relationship isn't the problem, the access is. Them dating is perfectly reasonable. However, normally with teens dating there's a bit of a protective buffer from living in different houses.

The obvious concern is them having sex before they're ready. Second concern is how they'd get parental support for the kinds of minor relationship problems that come up.

For the first, I think greenemami's covered the best parental actions.

For the second, I'd see about finding the kids each an adult they can trust who won't freak out about the relationship existing at all. Clearly, even though they didn't share parents until after puberty and were already friends when they moved in together, there's going to be people who have an automatic reaction that they're dating a sibling.
 

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I don't really see a problem with it at all.
The only part I would discuss with my kid, (and I have a 22 year old...so there is SOME previous experience with that age group here) is a) birth control and b) coach them on how to maturely handle everything should their relationship dissolved. They really must be mature and willing to stay friends, and handle the other dating someone else later, if that is where they are at (which it sounds like they are).


Like was stated before they aren't and weren't raised as bio siblings.
and teenagers have sex. Whether or not their parents want them to. At least you know the person they are doing it with is a good person, and you have options on ensuring birth control as parent of both parties, and heck, if they are gonna do it, at least its at your house, and not god knows where.


I guess Im more liberal than most in that arena ( I was raised in a very conservative home, and I suppose the pendulum swung big time this generation). My daughter and I had a talk at 14 about birth control, and when she was 17 and ready to be sexually active, with her boyfriend of a year, we got her a prescription. She is religious about it. And at 22 she has been with 3 people, each she was in a relationship for a year or more. I know - because I know her, and because for the most part they have all stayed at my house for periods of time.


there are definite pluses to being open- minded and clear about sex with your kids.
good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you all for the responses, and I am glad to know this isnt something completely uncommon and wrong, I was freaking out at even the thought of incest.

My husband seemed to have a pretty good idea from what I think, we might invest in a few hidden "nanny cams" to at least get an idea of what we are dealing with. Even if we find the worst, we are not going to let them know what had the camaras set up. But at least we will have a better idea how to approach this and how far they are going with it. ie; are they full on "going at it" with each other, or are they just exploring with each other. (A member of another forum mentioned how this isn't uncommon for teens to want to explore the opposite sex once puberty sets in)

As of right now we are just taking it a day at a time, we also might surprise them by coming home early from work tomorrow and see if by chance anything is going on that we might catch in the act.:eek:
 

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Honestly I am way more freaked out by the fact that you're intending to spy on them & intentionally sneaking up on them to "catch them" in the act of having sex. That is such an unhealthy way to treat your relationshup with your own kids and a horrible betrayal, whether or not they find out what you've done. You're setting your selves up to severely damage your relationships w/ your kids.

Talk to your kids, come up with house rules that honor everyone who lives in the house, and then trust your kids to be respectful of you as much as you are respectful of them (which will be not at all if you're the ones sneaking spying, & cheating)
 

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Yikes, I would definitely NOT set up nanny cams!!!! That's a pretty big invasion of privacy based on what you suspect-can you imagine how you'd feel if your parents, or anyone really, taped you in your most private moments without your knowledge or permission? I cannot imagine that your relationship would recover from such a thing if they found out or even suspected.

Plus, I surely wouldn't want to end up with footage of underage children fooling around or having sex in my possession for any reason.

Just try talking to them first!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Yikes, I would definitely NOT set up nanny cams!!!! That's a pretty big invasion of privacy based on what you suspect-can you imagine how you'd feel if your parents, or anyone really, taped you in your most private moments without your knowledge or permission? I cannot imagine that your relationship would recover from such a thing if they found out or even suspected.

Plus, I surely wouldn't want to end up with footage of underage children fooling around or having sex in my possession for any reason.

Just try talking to them first!

Yeah that is true, I didnt think of it from that aspect...we will ditch that idea...I just want to come at them with something definite when approaching them..instead of "well we think this is what your doing"

Nanny cam idea is dead now!!
 

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don't do cameras. When they figure it (and they will unless they are just stupid) you will have done serious damage to your relationship with both kids for years and years and years.


Talk to them -- like they are actual human beings who are capable of acting in their own best interests.
 

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I agree, talk to them.

Depending on your feelings and such, you may end up deciding it's better to live separately until they're old enough to live on their own. Living together makes a relationship far more serious, just by default. They'll be around each other constantly, they'll have to deal with issues they wouldn't otherwise. It lends a greater intimacy and also makes it harder to handle the problems. It also can make them both feel more pressure to have sex before they're ready- they won't get a break from temptation, and there's a much greater consequence to turning down sex when you can't just go home and will have to deal with the person.

It can work out, and it's not unheard of at all for step-siblings to end up dating or even married. The only issue really is the access issue and concerns about what will happen if the relationship goes south.
 

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I can probably relate the best as my step brother and I were in the exact same place. However the sexual relations between us started before our parents were actually married. However I don't think it's actually happening how you think it's happening. Most likely they are/were taking it very slow, not just they up and decided to get naked and have sex one day. It most likely it was triggered by an event, either an accidental grab, or maybe one of them accidently walked in on each other changing something along those lines and it just slowly progressed from there.

My STEP brother and I had almost like a friends with benefits relationship for YEARS it always just happened to be we ended up single within the same time period as each other and just kind of rebounded off of each other. To our knowledge our parents never knew. Now here is where I will be brutally honest, I don't think there was any negative side effects of our "playing" back when we were teens, but in all honestly I think right now it's effecting my marriage. I never told my husband what had happened and quite frankly why would I just come out and say "Justin and I had sex when we lived together". But I think my husband can feel something isn't right between Justin and I because when my brother is in town (he lives out of state) my husband begins to act strange and will now allow Justin and I in the same room together without him there. Whether it's guilt on my mind playing games with me or if my husband can somehow sense it, I believe this is some negative side effects of what I did in my teenage years.
 
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