Me too. I figured I'd have a mw for our birth (even though we have been prepared to go UC if necessary), but then after I actually got pregnant... well...
I just don't feel that there is anything I need from a mw right now, and quite frankly, a lot that I don't need. There is one great totally laid back, hands off mw here that I will consider, but the rest I feel have fear that I don't want around me. I don't even want to talk about testing, sign forms of refusal, get my "DUE Date" recorded. Answer questions about my LMP. Honestly, I don't want to count weeks even. Going to a mw means I will be looking at the calendar. Instead I am going out in the moonlight, watching her wax and wane, speaking to her, making gifts to her, signing my song to her, letting her pull my blood and my waters. I have no idea where I am unless I look at a calendar, and that is how I want it.
One mw friend offered excitedly to listen to the heartbeat. I said, oh, it is too soon, you will never get it now. But she was sure. She was going to use a doppler! No thanks, I said. Not worth it to me. I can feel her heartbeat with mine, I can feel her little body squirm beneath my fingers, I can feel her push and grow and calm and go from one Spirit world to this one. Back and forth she moves between the worlds. I am surprised at how amazing these discoveries are, these tuning-ins, without a mw telling me "Do you want to feel the baby? Do you want to hear the heartbeat?" It is subtle, but I am sooooo enjoying making all these discoveries on my own, in our own time, with my inner knowing and rhythms rather than being guided by someone else. Not sure if this makes sense. Maybe I will feel this way for the birth too?
So now I have the opportunity to have my friend the mw listen to the heartbeat with her fetoscope (which I won't be able to hear b/c the fetoscope doesn't have an extension). It is tempting. really tempting. But it doesn't sit right. One: what if she can't get it. Will I worry something is wrong? I don't want to worry. Two- I can't hear it. Why should someone else guide listening to my baby's heart- the heart that together with Spirit we built through an amazing act of love and passion and mystety? I should discover that on my own. I will be the one to hear it first, in the dark private recesses of my room. And no one will be guiding me.
These mw's I speak of are wonderful, trusting, caring women. I love them. They aren't doing anything "wrong" or too medical, or what-have-you. I have just learned that there is soooo much to letting things unfold on their own without poking and prodding. Without being led by someone, or charted or recorded. Or even invited to try this or that. Somehow the relationship to my baby and my body gets watered down and the Power and Spirit trickles out in my experience.
There may be a point at which I want some guidance/care/support, either during the gestation or during the birth. But I am soooo trying to stay in the moment right now with what feels right RIGHT NOW and not feel I have to make plans for the future. I cannot know what will feel right next month or in two days. Or at the birth. I cannot plan ahead in the situation. It is wierd, cause I am sooo a total control freak who has to have a plan for every possible option.
But right now staying intimate and private and tuned into the earth, baby, and my body are bringing sooo much blessing that I can't imagine it any other way.
Thank you for allowing me the space to get out my experience, I really didn't know all that was there until I started writing.
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I just don't feel that there is anything I need from a mw right now, and quite frankly, a lot that I don't need. There is one great totally laid back, hands off mw here that I will consider, but the rest I feel have fear that I don't want around me. I don't even want to talk about testing, sign forms of refusal, get my "DUE Date" recorded. Answer questions about my LMP. Honestly, I don't want to count weeks even. Going to a mw means I will be looking at the calendar. Instead I am going out in the moonlight, watching her wax and wane, speaking to her, making gifts to her, signing my song to her, letting her pull my blood and my waters. I have no idea where I am unless I look at a calendar, and that is how I want it.
One mw friend offered excitedly to listen to the heartbeat. I said, oh, it is too soon, you will never get it now. But she was sure. She was going to use a doppler! No thanks, I said. Not worth it to me. I can feel her heartbeat with mine, I can feel her little body squirm beneath my fingers, I can feel her push and grow and calm and go from one Spirit world to this one. Back and forth she moves between the worlds. I am surprised at how amazing these discoveries are, these tuning-ins, without a mw telling me "Do you want to feel the baby? Do you want to hear the heartbeat?" It is subtle, but I am sooooo enjoying making all these discoveries on my own, in our own time, with my inner knowing and rhythms rather than being guided by someone else. Not sure if this makes sense. Maybe I will feel this way for the birth too?
So now I have the opportunity to have my friend the mw listen to the heartbeat with her fetoscope (which I won't be able to hear b/c the fetoscope doesn't have an extension). It is tempting. really tempting. But it doesn't sit right. One: what if she can't get it. Will I worry something is wrong? I don't want to worry. Two- I can't hear it. Why should someone else guide listening to my baby's heart- the heart that together with Spirit we built through an amazing act of love and passion and mystety? I should discover that on my own. I will be the one to hear it first, in the dark private recesses of my room. And no one will be guiding me.
These mw's I speak of are wonderful, trusting, caring women. I love them. They aren't doing anything "wrong" or too medical, or what-have-you. I have just learned that there is soooo much to letting things unfold on their own without poking and prodding. Without being led by someone, or charted or recorded. Or even invited to try this or that. Somehow the relationship to my baby and my body gets watered down and the Power and Spirit trickles out in my experience.
There may be a point at which I want some guidance/care/support, either during the gestation or during the birth. But I am soooo trying to stay in the moment right now with what feels right RIGHT NOW and not feel I have to make plans for the future. I cannot know what will feel right next month or in two days. Or at the birth. I cannot plan ahead in the situation. It is wierd, cause I am sooo a total control freak who has to have a plan for every possible option.
But right now staying intimate and private and tuned into the earth, baby, and my body are bringing sooo much blessing that I can't imagine it any other way.
Thank you for allowing me the space to get out my experience, I really didn't know all that was there until I started writing.
