Mothering Forum banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
<p>Has anyone ever gone to PaP and written the whole initial post, reread it and realized how horrific it sounds?  I feel so alone.  I really wish I could get feedback on this stuff but it is so bad that when ever I try to share any of it with anyone, they are so horrified by what really goes on that I have to take it back, make excuses, say how it isn't really that bad, etc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm trying really hard to take my marriage day by day.  It is my reality.  I have chosen to stay in it until I can be guaranteed that my children will not be hurt due to my stupidity and bad decisions.  But I tend to forget that the reason it doesn't work is because his behavior is abusive* </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I keep looking for ways to make it better, to help him see that I really am worth his love, that I deserve to be treated well.  I love him so much, how can he not love me back?  He says he loves me so he must, right?  Even though he treats our dog better than he treats me?  I keep telling myself we just have different ideas of what love looks like and that is the problem.  I must have too high of expectations. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I go through periods where I can pretend really well that we are happy and live in that pretension.  And then my world shatters yet again and I am somehow all surprised.  Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>We just bought a house.  I'm living the biggest lie in so many ways.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*I still have yet to decide whether he is truly abusive by nature or only acting this way due to addiction issues.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,341 Posts
<p style="text-align:justify;">Abusive behaviour is abuse, no matter what the cause. It doesn't matter why he is abusive - you and your children need to be safe, no matter what his reasons are.</p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">It is like poison. You respond the same way to poisoning the same way, no matter what the cause. You do all you can to get the toxin out of your system and to heal the damage.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,697 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Ornery</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1281721/posting-in-parents-as-partners#post_16072691"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I'm trying really hard to take my marriage day by day.  It is my reality.  I have chosen to stay in it until I can be guaranteed that my children will not be hurt due to my stupidity and bad decisions.  But I tend to forget that the reason it doesn't work is because his behavior is abusive* </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I keep looking for ways to make it better, to help him see that I really am worth his love, that I deserve to be treated well.  I love him so much, how can he not love me back?  He says he loves me so he must, right?  Even though he treats our dog better than he treats me?  I keep telling myself we just have different ideas of what love looks like and that is the problem.  I must have too high of expectations. </p>
<p> </p>
<br>
 </div>
</div>
<p> </p>
<p>What are your children learning by you remaining in an abusive relationship with an addict/alcoholic? There's no perfect answer; I just thought I'd put it out there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And yes, you can lower your expectations of HIM (because he seems capable of very little), but it doesn't mean that you deserve to be treated like less than human. Do you feel you deserve love, respect, and equal partnership?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Also, have you thought of going to Al-Anon/Nar-Anon to get some support, as the spouse of an addict/alcoholic? I can refer you to a really awesome board if you're interested.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Finally, he can SAY x,y,z to you, but his actions are the ones you should be looking at. What do his actions say?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm sorry this is so hard. :(</p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
<p>Thank you for the support and for listening.  I try not to whine too much as I have made the choice to stay in it but sometimes the pain gets to be overwhelming, especially at night <span>when I've just endured being berated for 4 hours <img alt="redface.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="width:16px;height:16px;"></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am in Al-anon.  I go to a meeting at least once a week and am working the steps.  I am trying to detach and can successfully do it the majority of the time.  He is in AA and hasn't drank for months.  But there are times that it just makes me feel lonelier because at the place where I feel like they should understand, they just don't.  Their partners get sober and things get better.  Mine got sober and things aren't getting better.  He is just learning how to mind trip me in different ways.  We tried marriage counseling and the counselor said he couldn't help us.  He could see me individually but not us together as DH needed something different.  He thought maybe alcohol treatment might help DH and made an appt for him to meet with an alcohol counselor but DH "couldn't find where it was at" so he didn't go.  Dh has been in and out of alcohol treatment our entire marriage. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His actions are what speak the loudest and hurt the worst.  He says how much he loves me but time and time again, over and over, his actions are not the actions of someone who loves me.  I know I deserve better.  I lived for many, many, many years believing I didn't deserve anything but have pulled myself out of that.  It is almost harder, knowing that I deserve that equal partnership, and respect and someone who truly loves me, not just the idea of me.  I know my DH loves the idea of family the most.  He loves the illusion of it, as long as it makes no demands.  He loves me as long as I make no demands and act the way he wants me to act.  He does love our children and that is one area I have seen real difference in over the last 6-8 months.  His interactions with them have become much more positive.  I guess I should say he actually has interactions with them now, whereas before he didn't.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't want my children growing up seeing this.  I really don't.  And they do see parts of it, I am not in denial about that.  The reality is, I would not get custody if I chose to divorce.  That is why I am staying. </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,697 Posts
<p>oh mama, I truly feel for you. I too left an alcoholic partner who was verbally and emotionally abusive. He never hit me though (but he hit the walls, he hit himself), so he thought that made it a "good marriage".</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm sorry your Al-Anon group isn't supporting you as you need it to. Can I recommend you join the Sober Recovery forums and scroll down the "Friends and family of Alcoholics" section?</p>
<p><a href="http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/" target="_blank">http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/</a></p>
<p>I've been on SR since last summer and it's helped me tremendously. Also, they have online meetings on Saturdays nights. Finally, I know a bunch of people on the F&F board whose spouses have stopped drinking but have not found recovery. Please try to remember that lack of drinking doesn't equal recovery. The usual gag is "What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief!".</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I too used to think that if my X stopped drinking, he would magically turn into an ideal partner and father. The truth of the matter was that he was a despicable, shallow and self-serving man to begin with. Not drinking just made him a "dry drunk"...still displaying the self-centeredness and manipulative traits of an alkie, but just meaner on account of being dry.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wish I could help you more than just posting on MDC! I know what a heart-wrenching decision it is to leave an abusive man. Perhaps you can also consider that your children are growing up with an unhappy and mistreated mama. They deserve at least a "slice" of happiness, even if it is only half the time. If you do log onto Sober Recovery, please check out the ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) section and talk to those who grew up in a home filled with addiction and abuse. Sadly, it seems to perpetuate a cycle for them in adulthood.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It wouldn't hurt to consult a lawyer, quietly and on the side, to see what chances you have with regards to custody, especially since your husband is an alcoholic. If there is any proof that he requires treatment regularly, you may be able to get supervised visitation. I consulted a few lawyers, over the phone and it was free. Just getting legal advice made me feel better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sending loads of virtual hugs from chilly Montreal.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
<p>I'm sorry you aren't feeling supported in PaP.  It's hard out there because they don't understand what is is like (in many cases) what it is like to be in that situation.  They just know it is wrong, they are appalled and think that simply telling you to leave is the best thing.  I also think a fair number of them are dealing with similar situations, just they aren't at the point of seeking help and sometimes come across as judgmental.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I agree with what HAM has said.  And just because you have made a decision in the past to stay, doesn't mean you need to continue to stay if it just becomes too much.  Abuse is abuse is abuse.  The why's of it aren't so important.  The cost to you and your DC is very important, it is very high.  Abuse generally repeats itself in a generational cycle.  Growing up in an abusive home wether it be physical/verbal/emotional/addiction often leads to the children as young adults having issues with proper personal boundaries and self-esteem.  Some grow up to recreate the home life they grew up in, it may be by being the controlling addict, or by being the submissive victim.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>If possible, do try to get some legal advice.  Is there any place you can document what you and your DC endure on a daily basis?  You may be surprised to realize you have more options than you think.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
907 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Ornery</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1281721/posting-in-parents-as-partners#post_16073041"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p> </p>
<p>It is almost harder, knowing that I deserve that equal partnership, and respect and someone who truly loves me, not just the idea of me.  I know my DH loves the idea of family the most.  He loves the illusion of it, as long as it makes no demands.  He loves me as long as I make no demands and act the way he wants me to act.  </p>
<p> </p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
This is exactly my husband. He likes the illusion of family and marriage but he's not willing to put any effort into anyone but himself. It's very lonely and very sad. I tell him all the time that "love" is an action word, and so is "sorry." I'm so sorry you are going through this. I truly understand because I'm living it too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Why are you so sure you won't get custody if you divorce? That's why I stay too. I have a good chance, but not 100% and I'm not willing to risk it. If I knew for sure the kids would get to live with me I'd leave tomorrow.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Again, I'm sorry. I know how hard it is.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,000 Posts
<p>even if you aren't getting divorced,   your path to happiness will probably be the one you take alone.   Find some separate activities that he isn't involved in to keep your sanity in the meantime.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,732 Posts
<p>ornery, i have been in your place, almost, except i never really cared if i was worth his love- or rather, i knew i ws worthy and that he was a crazy asshat.  my xh got me convicted of a crime when dd1 was almost 1 year old, and then convinced me that i would never get custody because of it, and then continued to be extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and dd1 and then got worse after dd2 was born.  i wanted out from even before the incident, but ended up having to stay for 7 more years, until it was expunged from my record.  he was so mean and neglectful or drunk that i never even left them with him to go out to dinner with a friend.  only to find out from a lawyer a few months ago that the crime was not serious enough for him to have gotten custody, and that since he was there when it happened, it wouldn't have mattered because he was complicit in it (hell,  he caused it).  but even had it been a more serious crime, it especially would not have mattered if i had recorded his rages on my phone and documented the abuse and got counseling for the kids to document its effects on them.  but his gaslighting was so powerful, plus my own guilty feelings about the incident, that it never occurred to me to consult a lawyer.  i never had the money for one, and didn't know that many give free consults.  it is a sucky position to be in, trapped like that. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>my xh has a personality disorder or 2, making him incapable of loving, really.  perhaps your h has one as well?  most folks with pd's are substance abusers.  anyway, if you haven't already, get yourself to a lawyer, and see if you can make a plan to get custody, depending on the laws of your state.  if i had known to do so, it would have saved my girls a world of heartache (and me too).  i keep meaning to write down my whole story for the sticky thread. . . . it is so hard to write it.  i couldn't ever type about it in PaP, and for some reason thought it wasn't bad enough for this forum- that this forum was reserved for physical violence or sexual abuse survivors. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>and, non-abusive people are non-abusive drunks.  he is an abuser, mama.  did a lawyer tell you you would not get custody? </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
707 Posts
<p>I think, too, it's very hard to "hear" tone in a posting. I know how I come across can sound judgmental, even when I don't intend for it to do so, KWIM?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And I too feel pathetic typing out my whole story. Something about seeing it in print makes it more "real" and more horrible.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,981 Posts
<p>even if you are choosing to stay you can still get help in the form of counseling, alanon-naranon, and books. check out "women who love to much" and "codependent no more." get help for your children too. there are lots of programs out there for children of addicts. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>and abuse is abuse, no matter what is "causing" it. like shantimama said. <img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></p>
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top