[mcease]

Hi All,

I am a dad and I am searching for help. I had major ppd with my first son and was prescribed medication, but I had stomach issues so I was under the impression that I was given stomach medication and my doctor gave me a benzo to deal with my anxiety. Long story short I took it for a while, and had horrible withdrawl symptoms coming off of it. I refuse to take anti depressants or benzos this time around because I feel that they made the situation way worse. I can cope and I am not really really bad, but I have low mood and often do cry. I am looking for some support and a natural remedy to lift my mood. This time around I have obsessed with naming my son and I fear that we made the wrong decision because we named him with the same name as a close family member. My wife really liked the name and I kept coming back to it. I think I kept coming back to it because it is a strong "regular" name and my wife likes names that are a little out there. Over the holidays I have had alcohol to try to drown out the low mood, but found that it has just made things worse so I will not touch it for a long time now until I feel back to normal. Is there any support/advice you can give me. TIA!!

 

[lauren]

Hi mcease and welcome. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, and sorry for your bad experience last time with medications.

I am a big fan of regular, old fashioned psychotherapy, instead of medications for the types of issues you are describing. Becoming a parent is quite powerful, and as you are probably finding out, it can trigger all sorts of issues and unresolved losses and stuff from when we were younger. A skilled therapist can help you address these things so they are resolved, not just temporarily dealt with. It does not always take that long either. Sometimes the change can be quite basic and easy, not a huge rehashing of your life. Would you be willing to give that a try?

A good book to start thinking about this is How to Become a Terrific Parent Even if You Didn't Have One: http://www.amazon.com/The-Whole-Parent-Become-Terrific/dp/0738208760

 

[mcease]

Thank you for the reply. I would definitely be willing to give therapy a try, but it usually comes down to time and money. Last time around I was assessed by the best hospital in my area and they said that I have anxiety/depression that is not that severe and can be dealt with using cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). I participated in CBT last time with ok results I guess. I think time was the best medicine though and the anxiety just passed for me as my son grew older. I was back to my old self for a good 3 years until we had our second son. For some reason I find the baby stage the hardest part. Im not sure if it has to do with my wife being with the baby all the time or if my hormones actually change (they say it happens in men as well as women). This time around we finally named my son after 4 months (he was actually named before but we announced it) and I think we got the wrong name. I cant bring myself to call him by his name. I like 2 other names that were on our list and wish we used one of them. The issue that I have is that it is my cousin's name and it weirds me out to have my son with the same name as my close cousin (I like family being individuals). My cousin has no issue with it. My wife has no issue with it so i tried hard to like the name and think I gave in because I was so confused. I think I actually got my wife off one or both of the other names at one point and got her back to liking this name. I really dont know what to do...Im not sure if this is anxiety or if I really have a problem with the name and we should change it. Although I dont think my wife wants to change the name now because I made such a disaster out of this process. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[lauren]

THe reason CBT works so well is because it changes our thinking patterns. Our negative thinking patterns are often what affects our mood. Our thoughts spiral us down hill--like when you turn on a sad song and can automatically cry. CBT helps turn those thoughts around.

Your focus on the name sounds a little obsessive and I wonder if you could experiment with just letting it go? The naming is done. I am someone who had a niece named after me. It was a little odd at first but then the whole family got used to it and it was good. I am wondering what causes you to attach so much importance to the name? For good or for bad?

 

[mcease]

Your focus on the name sounds a little obsessive and I wonder if you could experiment with just letting it go? The naming is done. I am someone who had a niece named after me. It was a little odd at first but then the whole family got used to it and it was good. I am wondering what causes you to attach so much importance to the name? For good or for bad?

I think I am a little obsessive about the name, but since day 1 in the hospital I was searching for another name. I have something against it - I think I like my boys to have individuality. Also, my dad passed away a couple years ago and he liked the fact when people had their own names. Im sure I will get used to it but for now I have never called my son by his name. I have called him the other names that we were thinking and they sound so much more "right" to me. I had a period last night where I was sleeping, but partially awake and I had a time of clarity with no anxiety and I thought well this is now his name but I still dont like it. I have accepted it but I wish it were different. I am just wondering If I will ever like my son's name...It is pretty sad if I dont. How long did it take for you to get used to someone with the same name as you in the family?

 

[lauren]

I wonder if this is more connected to your loss and grieving process about your dad than it is about your son.

What does your partner say? Is there a way to incorporate both names into one name and then let him decide later? Some kids, for example, might be "John Patrick" and choose one or the other or "JP."

It sounds sad to me that you are not calling your son by his name, and/or you are calling him by a different name than everyone else, which is going to confuse him.

There has to be a way to work this out that satisfies everyone a little bit, even though it may not satisfy one person 100%.

 

[mcease]

I am not calling my son anything. Just buddy, and other nick names. My partner wants to leave it as is because she thinks its my anxiety, however I dont believe it is anymore. I think I just really messed up by telling her its ok to use this name. To answer your question about grieving my dad - Yes it very well could be because my dad would have used an "original" name and we were exactly the same person and had the same personality. I see him coming out in my fathering of my own children. I just didnt have the backbone to tell my wife to use another name because I thought she liked this one so much. I was going to use another name as a middle name so I can call him that as a nick name. Im so really confused because I want to be sure that I can get used to this name because years down the road if I regret keeping this name and still not be comfortable with it I will never forgive myself.

 

[lauren]

Just a quick question---is there any spiritual or cultural aspect to this that is not being brought out? I know in some cultures naming is a really really big deal. That people can really think that the person's life will be altered or affected if they have been given the wrong name.

OK, now a couple of things. You stress how individuality is the big thing for you and your dad. Then you talk about how you and he are just like the same person in your viewpoints. ("we were exactly the same person and had the same viewpoints.") So it sounds like potentially you did not fully individuate from your dad, but are still carrying around his wishes and feeling a need or compulsion to express them. So again, I wonder if this is more about somehow disappointing your dad by not naming him the right thing. If that is the case, it is not really fair to your wife and son; this would be your unfinished business and not your wife's to have to fix or address.

You also talked about not having enough of a backbone to stand up to your wife about the name after the decision was made. This is also suggestive of problems with individuation and knowing your--self fully.

If you are really really, and I mean really clear that you'd like to look at the name issue again, then you need to sit down with your wife. You need to tell her that you are quite certain that you'd like to change the name, that you feel you inappropriately misled her (take responsibility for what you describe as not having enough backbone here) by saying the given name was o.k., when in fact you had unexpressed reservations about it. If there is still conflict about it, then you have a couple's issue. But you are acknowledging that you did, indeed, indicate to her that the given name was acceptable. So if she is having a hard time bending at this point, you may need to concede this one.

But then ENJOY your son, whatever his name!!!

 

[lauren]

How long did it take for you to get used to someone with the same name as you in the family?

It took a couple of years. The situation turned out badly though; even though she was named after me, the family is now estranged from me (their choice) because of their christian fundamentalism. The child named after me is now a grown up that does not exert her own individuality to have her own relationship with me, but instead just follows the wishes and desires of her mother (my sister). A little individuation would go a long way there as well! :wink:

 

[mcease]

Just a quick question---is there any spiritual or cultural aspect to this that is not being brought out? I know in some cultures naming is a really really big deal. That people can really think that the person's life will be altered or affected if they have been given the wrong name.

No there is no spiritual or cultural aspect that is causing me to feel this way. I just want my child to be his own person and an individual.

OK, now a couple of things. You stress how individuality is the big thing for you and your dad. Then you talk about how you and he are just like the same person in your viewpoints. ("we were exactly the same person and had the same viewpoints.") So it sounds like potentially you did not fully individuate from your dad, but are still carrying around his wishes and feeling a need or compulsion to express them. So again, I wonder if this is more about somehow disappointing your dad by not naming him the right thing. If that is the case, it is not really fair to your wife and son; this would be your unfinished business and not your wife's to have to fix or address.

This very well could be the case, but if I want to carry out my dad's wishes or make him proud I dont see how that is a bad thing. My wife understands that, but I did keep coming back to this name as well as her, but I think I kept coming back to it because I knew she likes the name and my love for her made me want to like it too. Before we chose the name my wife said that she just wanted me to be happy and of course I said that I want her to be happy. But because of my anxiety I could not differentiate if I actually had a problem with the name or if my anxiety was making me feel this way now. I still dont know.

You also talked about not having enough of a backbone to stand up to your wife about the name after the decision was made. This is also suggestive of problems with individuation and knowing your--self fully.

I agree that I dont know myself fully. I actually didnt really care what we named our son, but I did want him to be his own person and not live in the shadow of anyone. and that is the same reasoning that my dad did not like Jr's for children.

If you are really really, and I mean really clear that you'd like to look at the name issue again, then you need to sit down with your wife. You need to tell her that you are quite certain that you'd like to change the name, that you feel you inappropriately misled her (take responsibility for what you describe as not having enough backbone here) by saying the given name was o.k., when in fact you had unexpressed reservations about it. If there is still conflict about it, then you have a couple's issue. But you are acknowledging that you did, indeed, indicate to her that the given name was acceptable. So if she is having a hard time bending at this point, you may need to concede this one.

I have told my wife that this is in no way her fault and that she gave me ample opportunity to pick a different name. The truth is that from the beginning we were on totally different pages with names and this one we agreed on except for my personal issue with it. I told her that I accepted that this will be my son's name but I am still not comfortable with it. We have a great relationship and can talk about things but with a newborn in the picture and a toddler things can be stressful and we dont always think straight.

But then ENJOY your son, whatever his name!!!

Thank you. I am definitely trying to enjoy him.