Mothering Forum banner
1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
284 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Please Help! 3.5y/o dd and I are head to head power struggles for EVERYTHING...and I am getting tired. Everything from washing to picking a toy to eating to coming inside to going outside to speaking to answering the phone...EVERYTHING! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"><br><br>
Please give me everything you have on power struggles. Clearly I dont know how to handle this.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Books, stories whatever...I am happy for the advice.<br><br>
TIA<br><br>
ETA: She is always given the choice to make her own decisions, would you like to wash now or in 5 minutes, would you like to wear the red coat or the yellow coat, would you like to put it on now or after your shoes, etc. Should I stop giving her choices???
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
674 Posts
as far as the choices thing, don't wear yourself out. give her the red jacket to wear, but then if she says she'd rather wear yellow then fine. ask her to wash her hands, but if she says she'd rather wait five minutes then fine. kwim? forget the whole choices, thing...just allow her to make another choice if she's so voices.<br><br>
and so far as the other power struggles, pick your battles!!!!<br><br>
books: kids, parents, and power struggles<br>
liberated parents, liberated children
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,913 Posts
refuse to become involved in power struggles.<br>
It's really difficult (for me anyway), but it also really works. Stay totally calm, act as if you don't care even when it kills you. Set limits, be consistent, pick your battles
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
284 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
<b>give her the red jacket to wear, but then if she says she'd rather wear yellow then fine</b><br><br>
Ok, but then it is a power struggle to get it on. ugh.<br><br><b>refuse to become involved in power struggles</b><br><br>
If I didn't insist on her cleaning herself or getting out the door I would have a dirty hermit living in my house (I mean this with great love!) I have tried leaving the house with her in her pj's and she is totally fine with that (personally I am not) She has gone days without brushing her teeth because I refused to enter into a power struggle. I know where health is concerned I have to step in but it has been a year of me trying to nicely get her to wash herself.<br><br>
But alas, I will read reccomended books, I actually have been sitting on liberated children liberated parents, I guess I better crack the cover...thank you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,346 Posts
I'm reading The Secret of Parenting and it's really helping me. Also read How to Talk so Kids will listen...<br><br>
The big point that is coming through to me from everything I read is DON"T LET IT GET TO YOU. Stay calm at all costs. If you have to force her into her coat do it calmly and firmly. Release all the anger, no seething, no teeth clenching, no grabbing or squeezing or jamming arms in sleeves. Firm and calm.<br><br>
When I get a little stressed out my son must pick up on it and get stressed too. Unfortunately he reacts to stress by pushing my buttons stressing me out more and then we go into this terrible vicious circle. When my son and I are in one of those phases of head butting I have to gather all my strength, patience, etc. and not get mad. If I can keep this up for a week or so I can turn the tide and we'll be best buds again.<br><br>
If I think of the act of not getting mad as denying him what he wants (to get me mad) it makes me feel good. We all have that terrible little voice that says "I want to get back at him". Well, here's a way to get back but it doesn't hurt anybody!<br><br>
Edited to add: I'm having some luck getting out the door faster if I keep a little pressure to get ready on all morning rather than leaving too much to the last minute. It's a good lesson in discipline for me, too - The Master Dawdler
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
980 Posts
Greetings from Power Struggles Headquarters...<br><br>
I have 3 children and I am a control freak, so I am a mom with a lot of power struggles on my hands. I can recommend a few things:<br><br>
1. A good book is "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" by Jane Nelson (ignore the stuff about sleeping). An even better book is "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Both of them give you little exercises to work on to see what sorts of personalities you and your tyke have and they help you pinpoint the areas in which you will clash.<br><br>
2. If you ask yourself "Is this harmful? To whom?" before you say anything, you will save yourself a lot of wasted energy and heartache. Wearing pj's almost anywhere is not harmful. Waiting until you are cold until you put on your coat is not harmful (if you want her to wear the coat, you take the coat... get a bigger backpack...) Not washing your hands after you've used the bathroom has enough potential to be harmful that you have to be really strict. Nothing happens until the hands are washed. No stories, no TV, no lunch, no outings, nothing. You want to be the mom who says very little, but who means everything she says.<br><br><br>
3. I agree with the mom who posted saying that the less picky she is with her kids, the easier they are to get along with (edited to add: Liz, I should have known it was you!) It is a hard lesson to learn, and I can say that I have had to learn and re-learn it many times, but it is always true that you have to pick your battles.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top