[familylove]

DS is almost 4 and hasn't had as much exposure to other kids as a I would prefer for a variety of reasons. He will be going to a T/Th 9-11:30 cooperative pre-school this Fall and I hope this will help in learning to share and be around all kinds of kids.

We've gone to gymboree and the park, but we haven't done playdates (we moved from KC last year and its been hard to find a playdate group here.) We also make weekly trips to the library to participate in their summer programs, storytime and playing the children's section.

I got a lot of good info from a thread in the Childhood Years (?) about preparing a child for preschool. But my concerns reach a little beyond that.

I want DS to grow up in such a way that he understands that there are LOTS of people/kids with different ways of doing things and how important sharing is. I try to get him to share toys/food with me and sometimes he will, but a lot of times he won't. But I think we have a tendency to do too much for him b/c its easy without other kids to take care of. He *is* the center of our world, but I sometimes wonder if that is what's best for him.

What it boils down to is that I want DS to grow in such a way that people don't look at his behavior and say, "Yup, he's an only child." I've heard of a couple of raising only children boods, one that sounds a little more defensive and the other about the myths of raising an only. Anyone have thoughts on these books?

I'm sorry in advance if this should be posted in Childhood Years, but I feel that GD is also integrally involved and I need some suggestions as to how to deal with what I feel are behaviors related to the fact that he *is* an only.

 

[georgia]

bumping for input

 

[LynnS6]

What do you do in your daily life to encounter different kinds of people? help people in need? interact with people who are different from you? seek out different kinds of experiences? He will learn much more from watching you (and hopefully participating with you) than he could from any other source. Children who are treated with compassion develop the ability to have compassion. Children who are given an opportunity to interact with a range of people become able to see and appreciate different kinds of people -- but it only lasts if their parents do the same.

As for sharing, frankly, I think it's over-rated. When was the last time you, as an adult, really had to share anything? Being able to work out a mutually agreeable solution is a much more useful skill. I'd work instead on helping him see things from other people's perspectives. "Gee, Nate looks sad. It looks like he wants to ride this bike. and you want to ride this bike. How do you think we can work it so that you both can use it?"

I actually did this at the park today. There was a group of kids playing a pirate game, and any time any one of my kids (or our neighbors) came near the playstructure, they'd shout in their best pirate voices "they're attacking our ship, don't let them on!!" After 10 or 15 minutes though our kids wanted to play on the playstructure and were afraid to go near. So, I went up to the kids on the structure and said "hi, do you think that you can play a game where everyone can use the playstructure? Right now, our kids aren't able to get up here." One child responded "Well, they can play with us!" "Ah, well right now when you yell at them as they're coming up, they think you sound mean. I know you're playing. What do you think you can do?" And the child turned around and said "Hey every body, let's play together! You can come up and be on the ship too!" Problem solved. All kids happy. The word 'share' was never mentioned. -- I was pleasantly surprised at the creativity and helpfulness of the kids I approached, but I think going in with the approach of 'how can we make this work for everyone' kept them from getting defensive.

 

[Thao]

I'm a mom of an only too. Our philosophy to help her learn how to share or negotiate agreeable solutions with other kids has simply been to have her around other kids as much as possible. Or, I should say, as much as she wants (she has definite limits and sometimes prefers to play alone in which case I don't push her). She has a cousin she plays with a lot and one or two good friends.

Just curious, what your reasons are for having kept your son from exposure with other kids? It does seem a little at odds with your goal of having him "understand that there are LOTS of people/kids with different ways of doing things".

Oh, and I wanted to say that we had our daughter in a cooperative preschool program too and it was WONDERFUL. It is such a great way to ease a child into being away from parents, because you get to be there some of the time and you get to know all of the teachers and kids. I'm sure you'll meet some other parents and kids you both like and you can get some playdates going, and things will just happen naturally from there on.

 

[faithnj]

I'm an only. I never had a problem with sharing because ownership of toys was never an issue with me. In other words-- there was never a threat that I couldn't use my toys all I wanted to, so who cared if someone else wanted to borrow them for a while? Even as an adult I feel that way. And I rarely get things returned from people who are inevitably sibs! LOL! In fact, I find that some sibs have a bigger problem with sharing because they are always at risk of someone taking their things away. So why people see this issue and automatically say "only child," I'll never know. It's an individual thing, and it's probably a developmental thing. If your child acts up, try not to ascribe everything to his being an "only." Because if a sib was doing it, you'd probably just see it as a "kid" thing, and not stress as much.

Faith

 

[familylove]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LynnS6 As for sharing, frankly, I think it's over-rated. When was the last time you, as an adult, really had to share anything? Being able to work out a mutually agreeable solution is a much more useful skill. I'd work instead on helping him see things from other people's perspectives. "Gee, Nate looks sad. It looks like he wants to ride this bike. and you want to ride this bike. How do you think we can work it so that you both can use it?"

This is how I feel a lot; the idea of "must learn to share" is pounded into our heads as parents. I want DS to *empathize*. I want him to understand that when we're at the playground, other kids are just as excited as he is to play on the equipment. That means being patient and taking turns, and sometimes asking if you can take a turn. I tell him this whole "process" is called sharing, but this seems like such an abstract concept to teach a young one.

As the parent of only, the message of teaching sharing seems all the louder b/c DS doesn't have siblings to practice sharing with. I've always felt I could work around this by modeling sharing behavior as well as being patient. It's good to hear thoughts from other parents.

Thanks for your response!

 

[familylove]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thao Just curious, what your reasons are for having kept your son from exposure with other kids? It does seem a little at odds with your goal of having him "understand that there are LOTS of people/kids with different ways of doing things". Oh, and I wanted to say that we had our daughter in a cooperative preschool program too and it was WONDERFUL. It is such a great way to ease a child into being away from parents, because you get to be there some of the time and you get to know all of the teachers and kids. I'm sure you'll meet some other parents and kids you both like and you can get some playdates going, and things will just happen naturally from there on.

I have a history of depression and bipolar disorder. When I had DS, it sent my mental state into a tailspin. Severe PPD and a worsening of my bipolar disorder. I stayed off meds for a year so I could BF. By the end of that, I was a wreck. DH and I had to sell our house and move back home. Dh didn't work so he could take of me and DS. So the first couple of years of DS's life, unfortunately, were a little different from some other kids his age. He did go to the park, library and all kids of other events...but there wasn't any formal getting together with other kids in the form of a playdate or preschool. Luckily, I've stabilized and life is pretty rosy again

BTW, he was fairly unaware of my "state" as he was under 3. And we really strove to keep things "normal" for him. He doesn't seem to be affected by it.

Glad to hear your positive comments about the cooperative preschool; I'm really excited (and nervous!). And I have hoped this would naturally bring about getting to know other kids that he can play with outside of preschool.

Thanks for responding!

 

[familylove]

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithnj I'm an only. I never had a problem with sharing because ownership of toys was never an issue with me. In other words-- there was never a threat that I couldn't use my toys all I wanted to, so who cared if someone else wanted to borrow them for a while? Even as an adult I feel that way. And I rarely get things returned from people who are inevitably sibs! LOL! In fact, I find that some sibs have a bigger problem with sharing because they are always at risk of someone taking their things away. So why people see this issue and automatically say "only child," I'll never know. It's an individual thing, and it's probably a developmental thing. If your child acts up, try not to ascribe everything to his being an "only." Because if a sib was doing it, you'd probably just see it as a "kid" thing, and not stress as much. Faith

Wow! That is a really interesting perspective on the whole sharing thing. I've never thought about it that way before.

I know, I tend to push the "only child" button whenever I get concerned about behavior issues. It just sort of creeps into my thoughts, even though I think a lot of it is complete bologna. But I know in my heart that if DS were compared to other kids his age, you wouldn't know he's an only child.

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithnj I'm an only. I never had a problem with sharing because ownership of toys was never an issue with me. In other words-- there was never a threat that I couldn't use my toys all I wanted to, so who cared if someone else wanted to borrow them for a while? Even as an adult I feel that way. And I rarely get things returned from people who are inevitably sibs! LOL! In fact, I find that some sibs have a bigger problem with sharing because they are always at risk of someone taking their things away. So why people see this issue and automatically say "only child," I'll never know. It's an individual thing, and it's probably a developmental thing. If your child acts up, try not to ascribe everything to his being an "only." Because if a sib was doing it, you'd probably just see it as a "kid" thing, and not stress as much. Faith

You know, I really think there is something to this. Our DD is an only, and of all the kids in the neighborhood, she is the one who shows no jealousy when I am holding another baby, or giving attention to another child, or she sees them playing with her toys. Its like her cup is so full its not an issue. Or maybe it has more to do with being an AP child and less to do with being an only.

The main problems I see with her being an only is that she doesn't learn "fighting skills." The neighborhood kids with siblings seem to fight constantly, and have developed a sort of pecking order. The older siblings seem to have a lot of conflict: wanting to be seen as good big brothers/sisters to their younger sibs, yet having a genuine need not to have their stuff lost or broken. Its painful to watch their struggle sometimes. Anyways, when they bully DD, or grab things out of her hands, she just stands there looking confused. As a result, I feel like limiting her exposure to other children even more.

 

[irinam]

I have two onlies (13 years apart), LOL

I agree with PP that being an only may have actually a positive effect on sharing ability. Thought for both of mine , true sharing did not really "kick in" until late 4's

Both of mine also stayed home (no day care with company of kids) until 4.

Interestingly the personality they developed (or were born with?) are completely different, despite the fact that they both grew up without a sibling (for DD DS probably seemed more like another adult figure in the house rather than a sibling/playmate)

DS is rather reserved, mellow and aloof. DD is outgoing, loud, jumps into every conversation, a "leader" in her kindergarten

And just wanted to comment on this

Quote:

I want DS to grow in such a way that people don't look at his behavior and say, "Yup, he's an only child."

People will. Just like they will comment on him being "the tallest/shortest/skinniest/ fattest/darkest/having two parents/only one parent/breastfed/ formula fed/you name-them-other comments"

I found such a relief when I realized that I am not parenting DC according to what some people might say (I am not saying you do, I know I was/still somewhat am conscious of "others approval"), but that I am striving to help them be the best they can be, despite what other's may think about it.

 

[cuddleluvinma]

I honestly think that most kids are going to have a hard time sharing. I've two children that are about 10 years apart so the're basically onlies who (while young shared sometimes but didn't want to at other times) . I babysat soooo many children. I've done group daycare working in my mil's house for a year and I've been doing a family daycare out of my own house for 3 years. I have only experienced one child in that whole amount of time that truley had no problem with sharing. I would like them to empithize and I do a lot of talking about "looking at so and so's face- they look sad. What could we do to help him/her to feel better." "Why do you think s/he is mad or sad". But you can't make someone empithize with another. Sometimes they simply just don't care! After that, I tell the one who wants *it* that s/he should ask for *it*. If the one who has *it* doesn't want to give *it* up then the one who wants *it* should try to trade (trying to teach some problem solving skills). If none of that works then s/he can tell the one in posession that s/he is gioing to have me set the timer. I tell the one posessing *it* that s/he can have *it* until the bell rings (5min.) In most cases everyone is happy. Sometimes the one who wants *it* doesn't want to have me set the timer. In that case I say that s/he should just wait till the other does't want it anymore or to try to come up with some other way that everyone can be happy and get at least alittle of what they want.

This is the way I feel most comforatable. But, I am always looking for new better ways to deal with these situations too. Anyone have a magic wand?

 

[loraxc]

Interestingly, I also have an only who (currently, and for about the past 6 months or so at least) has no problems with sharing. We have playgroup at our house a couple of times a month, and she shows no possessiveness towards her toys. I've wondered why she is this way and had never considered that her "only" status might be part of it. I attribute it to her great excitement at having other kids over--who cares about toys when there are VISITORS? (DD is an extrovert.)

 

[bri276]

Research has shown the "sharing problem" in only children to be a stereotype, and a myth. Numerous studies have shown that overall, only children meet or exceed the development of children with siblings. With that said, it is still important for kids to be around kids- mostly because it's FUN! and being a kid is about having fun.

My best friends are onlies, DH is an only, DD will be an only- I have a sister and neither she nor I are particularily generous with material belongings compared to the "onlies", I still cringe when someone takes a french fry off my plate

It is no more or less important to teach empathy, compassion and cooperation to one child or five. Don't stress! good luck.

 

[Thao]

Family love

 

[familylove]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thao Family love

Thanks Thao!

Parenting is *always* an adventure

 

[faithnj]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie ......The main problems I see with her being an only is that she doesn't learn "fighting skills." The neighborhood kids with siblings seem to fight constantly, and have developed a sort of pecking order. The older siblings seem to have a lot of conflict: wanting to be seen as good big brothers/sisters to their younger sibs, yet having a genuine need not to have their stuff lost or broken. Its painful to watch their struggle sometimes. Anyways, when they bully DD, or grab things out of her hands, she just stands there looking confused. As a result, I feel like limiting her exposure to other children even more.

Now THAT I agree, is an "only child" thing! (Though, lets agree Onlies can be very different, just cause they're human.) I certainly had no skills for "fighting" with people, and felt like a deer in headlights every time people weren't "cooperative," and didn't treat each other like my grandmother taught me, or like you'd see on t.v., ala Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street. (However, modern kids t.v. has lots of examples of contentious relationships, so I don't know if that still applies.) Peeking order?!? What's that? I thought we were all supposed to be equals!!! Nobody is supposed to want to be friends with bullies and bossy people!

When I was young, if you did something wrong to me, I figured you didn't like me and wanted me to go away. Really.....I mean, why would you be mean to someone you wanted to see? And yet, people with sibs do that.

And I never knew how to respond to unkind words, except for with the truth. (Which seems always to make people feel much worse, ironically.) Can somebody explain how it is that if a kid calls you "Poopyhead," and then when you state calmly, "Well, aren't you still in remedial reading?" it's the name-caller who ends up crying. And worse than that-- YOU end up being called "The Mean One???"

Anywaaaay......Most only's don't have the kind of bickering type of relationship with their elders that sibs and equals have. Personally, I learned how to fight and argue more normally when I moved to NY. (Very good examples of all types of fighting there! LOL!) But I still have a very hard time considering people who are occasionally mean, as "real" friends. I just don't "get" it. Even at 40, all of my good friends are smart, upbeat types who would never say anything unkind to me unless it was constructive criticism. And I treat them the same way. Maybe I'm missing out for not having more types of people as friends. But one could have worse outcomes from their childhood than the ability to avoid relationships with meanies, dont cha think? LOL!

Faith
(Who's been married to her best friend from High School for 16 years.

)

 

[edswife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by familylove how important sharing is.

I don't understand why sharing is deemed so important. At least not when it comes to toys. I mean I'm certainly not going to share my "toys" (i.e. my car, our boat, our jet ski etc) to people I've only just met (like your son will at preschool). I'd probably have to know someonw longer than your son has been alive before I'd lend them my car. Most everyone would deem that an unreasonable request. I also don't understand why they should share snacks. I'd be awfully upset if some stranger came up to me in a retaurant and asked me for a bite of my steak. So IMO I think "sharing" is a socially pressured response and not one of moral value.
Taking him with you to volunteer at a soup kitchen or children's hospital would teach him much better lessons and take the "sharing" focus off of materialistic possesions.

 

[faithnj]

Quote:

Originally Posted by edswife I don't understand why sharing is deemed so important. At least not when it comes to toys. I mean I'm certainly not going to share my "toys" (i.e. my car, our boat, our jet ski etc) to people I've only just met (like your son will at preschool). I'd probably have to know someonw longer than your son has been alive before I'd lend them my car. Most everyone would deem that an unreasonable request. I also don't understand why they should share snacks. I'd be awfully upset if some stranger came up to me in a retaurant and asked me for a bite of my steak. So IMO I think "sharing" is a socially pressured response and not one of moral value. Taking him with you to volunteer at a soup kitchen or children's hospital would teach him much better lessons and take the "sharing" focus off of materialistic possesions.

Ed's wife??? Did you have siblings when you were growing up???

First-- I know you feel differently. And your reasons really are very valid, and very interesting-- I honestly believe that. It's just that I don't feel that same way you do. Perhaps it's an Extrovert thing? Or perhaps it's an Extroverted-Only thing? Whatever the case....there are two sides to evey coin, eh?

I'm almost always happy to share! Sharing brings people closer together. Sharing things shares the fun. The more the merrier, as they say. Perhaps I'm not quick to share my car, but I'm not slow to share the use of it by giving someone a ride. And "steak?" Well, vegetarianism aside, when you share your steak, you not only share the enjoyment-- you share the calories!!! Benefits all around!

: I never eat a dessert alone. I always share. Even my senile grandmother always shares. You give her PBJ? She gives you half. You give her half a PBJ? She still gives you half! Even if everyone around her has PBJ! LOL! The senility affected her ability to know everyone has the same that she has. But it never affected her willingness to share. (And she was an only child, BTW. )

My grandmother is the nicest person I've ever known. (My cynical NYC husband also agreed, after living with her.) Perhaps we don't all want to be saints. But when you meet people like this IRL, it shows you that it is possible to commit to being simple, humble and kind-- if you want to. Our world simply would not be as nice (or as safe) without people who are willing to share something from themselves.

Faith

 

[cuddleluvinma]

Ok! I wanted to clarify what I meant by "problem with sharing"

:

. I meant not wanting to share. I think that there are lots of kids who don't want to share some of the time. In my last post I think you all thought that I meant all of the time and I think that you all though that I meant it's an awefull thing. I don't. I think that it is normal not to want to share all of the time. And I do think that it probably happens more often when there are alot of kids forced to be togather all day long. I feel badly for my son because although he is basically an only he still is around 3 3yr olds and a baby almost 1yr all day long in his home five days a week.
I agree with Bellingham Crunchie when she said that she would like to limit the exposure of other kids when they are not being nice and teaching undesireable behaviors to her little one. I feel the same, but I do daycare. It's either that or I get a different kind of job and ds goes off to be cared for by someone else. I would choose the first. Plus, as far as I know, I am the only GD daycare provider in our area. I at least feel that I am helping out my community by at least giving that to my daycare kids. Altough, it would be easier with only my own kids . I just signed up as a consultant so, may be by the time our family expands I will be able to do just that and feel good about helping out the community because of the kind of sales I'd be doing!. **sorry that got waaaaay off topic.

 

[familylove]

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithnj Now THAT I agree, is an "only child" thing! (Though, lets agree Onlies can be very different, just cause they're human.) I certainly had no skills for "fighting" with people, and felt like a deer in headlights every time people weren't "cooperative," and didn't treat each other like my grandmother taught me, or like you'd see on t.v., ala Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street. (However, modern kids t.v. has lots of examples of contentious relationships, so I don't know if that still applies.) Peeking order?!? What's that? I thought we were all supposed to be equals!!! Nobody is supposed to want to be friends with bullies and bossy people! When I was young, if you did something wrong to me, I figured you didn't like me and wanted me to go away. Really.....I mean, why would you be mean to someone you wanted to see? And yet, people with sibs do that.

This situation is a BIG part of my worries. There are times DS has been around other kids with stronger personalities than his. When they shove him or are mean to him, he has no idea how to react. He gets that look, like you said,"What did I do wrong?" I'm an introvert and DH is an extrovert. Ds is also an extrovert and just doesn't understand when people are mean. He usually comes and tells one of us what happened and is very confused as to why "little Bobby" hit him.

I don't want to "toughen" DS up, I don't believe in that. I'm not real into following the male/female stereotypes in our culture. I don't want him to think that just b/c he's a boy he has to fight and be macho. I want him to stand up for his rights as a human. I'd love to find a book about this...has anyone read "Raising Cane"? I've wondered if that would be a good resource.

Faithnj: Way to got being married to your HS sweetheart

Thanks again, mamas, for all the insights and advice!