[Raene]

I'm looking for books or DVDs for DP while I'm pregnant. He's trans and has read a few mainstream fathering books, but we're far from mainstream so I'd love more alternative-type books (b/c we co-sleep, I breastfeed, we use a sling, etc).

Can anyone give recommendations? To be more specific, I don't mind if the books are for gay parents in particular or are for fathers, but I just need some that are not so conventional.

 

[pleasantlyfurious]

I'd love to see suggestions too. When I was pregnant and we were looking for books we looked at the father books and they were just so - ugh! Either - "You are so virile, such a great specimen of a man for knocking your girl up" or "Interesting fact: Do not put the baby in the garbage can" They all felt very patronizing - even if we could get past the gender stuff.

 

[starling&diesel]

Not specifically trans, but useful nonetheless (and my genderqueer partner appreciated them):

The Other Mother
The Birth Partner (newer additions use more inclusive language)

 

[KnittingTigers]

Yup, this is SUCH a problem! We just waded past the crappy language in most of them, but it sucks. And unfortunately, lots of the "natural living" stuff is the worst in terms of queer stuff.

:

For pregnancy/birthing, I really liked "The Birth Partner" by Penny Simpkin. This is the only non-gay-specific book I found that wasn't full of "husband," "dad," "husband." The book is great, and geared toward natural childbirth.

For afterwards (ie. parenting) I have yet to find anything really great. We have the Dr. Sears Baby Book which will meet your AP/crunchy needs, but will continually make you want to scream with its heteronormative crap.

I also recommend, if you don't have it, Stephanie Brill's "Complete Lesbian Guide to Pregnancy, Conception, etc." Though she covers too many topics to be a sole resource, we found it really, really, really reassuring to read a book that spoke to us as a queer/trans couple. It's really important, especially right after you have the baby and everything feels so emotional and crazy, to find SOME resource that speaks to you as you are, and recognizes your family. She also has a good section on the particular challenges that queer couples face as they become parents. It was very helpful for us.

Good luck!

 

[lyn_ftst]

There isn't much out there. If DP is really OK extrapolating from a lesbian identified non-bio-parent experience, then yes the Confessions of the Other Mother anthology edited by Harlyn Aizley is pretty good. Several of the essay authors identify as some level of genderqueer, so there might be some things that are directly helpful as well. I feel the need to put a bit of a caveat on the rec though, because I actually came away from that book completely petrified. There is definitely a not-so-subtle message in many of the essays that if you didn't give birth, and you are not nursing, you are less of a parent than your partner (I could pull out plenty of quotes, but will refrain here). Your DP may be less sensitive to that though if you guys are not having to grapple with how to share the "mom turf." (Thankfully, my fears turned out to be unfounded in my own family)

I also second the Brill recommendation. Compared to, say, Rachel Pepper's book (which really misses the boat on non-bio parent issues), she really does nail a lot of what comes up for non-bio-parents, and yes, the focus is on lesbian non-bio-moms, but is fairly inclusive in terms of language. DP can just skip all the pregnancy/TTC stuff and look for the parts where they talk about relationship issues that may come up.

I also had some luck with handbooks for Stay at home dads, interestingly. They tend to assume competence, which many of the "dad" focused books do not. Can't remember specifics, I just know I tended to get them out of the library before our daughter was born.

Good Luck,
Lyn

 

[Raene]

Great, thank you!!!

 

[fozziebear]

Count me (the non-bio mom-to-be) as a dissenting voice on the issue of Brill vs Pepper -- we have both, but neither astropeep nor I can stand Brill. She's just too credulous and full of what (as a couple of scientists) we consider to be new age woo-woo nonsense, which means we can't trust ANYTHING she says. I mean, if she's going to spout obvious nonsense about conception being tied to the phases of the moon "because the moon pulls on the water in your body", then how can I trust anything else she says?

 

[FtMPapa]

Fozziebear - I agree with you, but I think Brill is extremely useful because of the woo-woo.

I wouldn't turn to Brill as a scientific text, necessarily, but she is absolutely on the ball with people's emotions, and I've found her book to be the absolute best with the touchy-feely woo-woo stuff.

The woo-woo stuff is especially important during conception, pregnancy, and birth, it's a very mystical and emotional time where things happen or don't, sometimes with obvious rational explanation, but often without.

 

[Raene]

I used to have the Pepper book but sold it recently...I feel like I took what I could from it and then was done. I'll check out the Brill book...I do love woo-woo. I'm about as woo-woo as one can get, actually...

 

[erthe_mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raene I'm about as woo-woo as one can get, actually...

Me too! I'll have to check that book out.

ETA: There's an awesome queer homebirth on youtube somewhere... I gotta find that again! Well there's gotta be more than one, but I've only just found the one.