pregnancy after loss

568 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by OakEmber, Jun 24, 2004

momadance

Discussion Starter · Jun 23, 2004

I am currenty 24 weeks preg. I have a friend who was preg. with me,lost her babe at 9 weeks, and is currenty 5 weeks along. She is on the verge of tears and ananlyzing everything at this point, and very nervous she may miscarry this child. I just listen, and try to encourage her to say affirmations in the morning and just enjoy being preg. Is there anything else I can say or do?

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SamuraiEarthMama

· #2 · Jun 23, 2004

first of all, the most important thing she needs is someone to listen without judging or trying to "fix" things... she's processing, and until she gets past the time she was at before, she's going to be nervous (and maybe even for a while after that!).

next, she probably has some mixed feelings around you... try to understand this, and don't feel badly if she can't hang out with your, or doesn't seem sympathetic to your complaints or troubles. she might need to find support elsewhere, and that's ok.

for more on how to support someone after loss, you might want to visit the birth loss forum... a very wonderful and understanding group here at MCD. let me find a link for ya:

Pregnancy and Birth Loss

what a kind friend you are! i hope you both have some bouncing babies soon...

katje

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mirthfulmum

· #3 · Jun 24, 2004

I became pregnant with my son about three weeks after I had miscarried at 7 weeks. I was convinced that I was going to loose this baby too. It was so hard for me to really feel any attachment to him during the first trimester because it would have been so painful for me to have fallen in love with him and then loose him.
I too obsessed over minuet details and refused to do anything, anything that I thought might lead to a miscarriage. I wouldn't even clean my tub becasue I was worried that the fumes from the cleaners might cause a miscarriage.
And when I reached 14 weeks, I was overjoyed and began to relax. I never really got over my fear but I did eventually get to the point that I could fall in love with my growing baby and actually enjoy being pregnant.
So my advice to you is to accept that your friend is going to feel a lot of fear and stress around this pregnancy. Continue to show her your love and support. And know that when she reaches what ever milestone she has set for herself in her mind that confirms that her baby is going to be okay (be it 14, 25 or 35 weeks) she will be then be able to realx and enjoy being pregnant. Hopefully it'll be sooner that later.

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Lucysmama

· #4 · Jun 24, 2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by mirthfulmum
I became pregnant with my son about three weeks after I had miscarried at 7 weeks. I was convinced that I was going to loose this baby too. It was so hard for me to really feel any attachment to him during the first trimester because it would have been so painful for me to have fallen in love with him and then loose him.

Exactly my situation. I miscarried on Christmas Eve, and was pregnant again January 19th. No period in between. AND I had miscarried in October, too. I was SOOOOOOOO paranoid till about 16-18 weeks. I wouldn't have sex, exercise, let dd bounce around on me, etc. I am just now at 24 weeks starting to totally chill, because I know the babe is viable now.

I think the fact that you are here asking questions says you are a great friend. Just listen. And validate her emotions. Often women who have miscarried are expected my society - and by friends and family - to "get over it." So she may just really need reassurance that her still grieving and worrying about this new baby is healthy and normal, and very often - important.

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OakEmber

· #5 · Jun 24, 2004

I was in a situation similar to your friend...my cousin and I were both due about a week apart and then I had a m/c at 8 weeks. I had mixed emotions such as, I found out I was pregnant before her, I should have my baby before her, etc. We don't live far apart, only 20 mins, but I didn't even see her her entire pregnancy...just talked to her on the phone a few times, and honestly I didn't really want to see her, and see what my belly could have looked like etc. Granted we aren't that close, sounds like you and your friend have a closer relationship than we do. But I guess I just wanted to tell you what it was like for me, just like Katje said. Just so you know, she had her baby (a girl) a few weeks ago and I have been to see her...didn't bother me at all, I loved getting to hold her and all the feelings were only towards the pregnancy aspect I guess, not the baby.

I agree with what the others have said.

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