Mothering Forum banner
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
218 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello again,

Does anyone have any links/book recommendation how to help my almost 6-year old grieve and get over the loss of my baby? I learnt that baby was dead when I was 14 weeks along and had told DS the same night. That was two weeks ago. He burst into tears, inconsolably, for about 15 minutes and was refusing anyone coming near him. We haven't really talked about it much since then, since I waited for him to ask questions, as opposed to raising the subject to him unasked. He never really asked a question, not does he mention the baby much. But, for example, last night he cried when he fell asleep. I asked him why he was crying and he burst into tears and answered that he is crying because of the baby in my tummy that is not there anymore. I just could hold him and cry with him, telling him I miss the baby too and I am very sad about it too and that we hope that soon there will again be a baby growing in there. Any other suggestion how I can help him in this, without being intrusive ?
We still have to bury the baby and his placenta (we tried a week ago but the ground was too frozen, so now they are in the freezer awaiting for warmer temperatures to arrive), and I'm not sure how/if to include DS in all this.
Thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,940 Posts
I'm so sorry for your loss
And I am sorry your son is having a hard time. It hurts so much to see your child suffer through their grief


My DS was almost 6 when I lost my little one at 17 weeks, so I can relate. He did ask a lot of questions, so I just went from there, answering everything honestly and crying with him when he needed to release and leaving him alone when didn't seem to even want to think about it.

I think you should just support him in whatever way he needs to grieve. Let him know that if he wants to talk or ask questions, that it's ok (if you are comfortable with that) and just be honest. It can be so hard though, I know.

s to you and your son.

eta:

Quote:
We still have to bury the baby and his placenta (we tried a week ago but the ground was too frozen, so now they are in the freezer awaiting for warmer temperatures to arrive), and I'm not sure how/if to include DS in all this.
Thoughts?
If you are comfortable with including your DS in this I think it is a great idea! I think it could healing for him to be a part of this!

My son took great comfort in being able to see the baby's footprints, and the tiny clothes she wore in the hospital. And even to this day, he talks to her ashes from time to time to ask how she is doing. I think it's helpful for kids to "bond" with the lost little one in ways the this, it takes away some of the pain sadness when they are able to make that connection... At least that has been my experience with my DS.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
419 Posts
on my midwife's suggestion, i bought this book: something happened. it is a book about a loss. it is written very straightforwardly. there is not a religious bent, but i know there are a few books out there about "angel" babies for younger kids. i think one of them is called, we were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead. i didn't get that one, because i am not fond of the angel thing, but she also recommended that one.

my two year old just didn't really get that the baby died, but i bought it in case she began asking questions about what happened to the baby in my belly. it seems like it would be perfect for your almost six year old. it addresses the sadness of the parents, and that it isn't the child's fault the parents are sad. hope that helps.

i just have to say, when i did talk to my daughter about it, i used that phrase, "something happened" because i thought it was really perfect. i didn't know why lucy had died, so i thought it was a good phrase for my own confusion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,032 Posts
I honestly haven't found anything that is really good. It was one of the things that made me really angry initially. I went looking for books for kids & could find ones for death of a pet or death of a grandparent, but absolutely nothing for death of a sibling. The best 'generic' older kid grief book I've found is Tear Soup.

My kids were/are helped by us talking about it when we need to. I'm honest about where I'm at & I'm trying to encourage them to talk when they need to. When Max was being buried, I gave each kid a chance to do something to include with him. Dd knit him a hat. Ds drew him a picture. Dd2 drew a picture. Together they picked a toy dog from one of their collections. I think ritual is important for kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,479 Posts
When Josie died, we included the kids in the funeral. Kids are a lot less scared than we are about death. That's the truth of it - keeping them away from a part of life like that is not something I really agree with. Otherwise it becomes this huge fear, and produces nightmares, which is something that won't happen half as much if it's dealt with. So, they came to the funeral and were not damaged by it at all


We then found a book called "The Grief Bubble" - I bought it as an eBook online and printed it out. You can draw in it - and it worked nicely, because we all sat down together and drew in the book, and talked about things. At the time, Aurora was seven and Devin was five. Aurora's still seven bu Devin just turned six


*HUGE hugs to you mama*, I am so deeply sorry about your loss. XXXXX
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,149 Posts
When our son died our 4yo was (and still is) very effected by it. His grief really amazes me - that he feels so much for one so young and that he really gets what he's lost.

Even 8 months later he still talks about his brother, cries every now and then, etc. The grief counselor we took him to told us he would reprocess the loss at every developmental stage he goes through. She also said to share our grief with him - children learn to grieve by watching how their parents and family grieve. By being open and honest we are (fingers crossed) giving him a healthy outlook on life and death.

There are a lot of books out there. The two that I found the most helpful are Waterbugs and Dragonflies, Explaining Death to Young Children and When Dinosaurs Die.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing by following his lead. When he asks questions be as honest as you can for his age. When your sad and he notices let him know why. I find that my son really appreciates when I tell him I'm sorry his brother died. He tells people all the time and no one has said to him how sorry they are for his loss. DH and I hear it when people find out but no one has said that to my son. I think they're caught off guard that someone so young can talk about it so matter-of-fact or they think he doesn't really understand what has happened. YK? But, sometimes I think he knows better than we do.

I'm sorry for your loss and for your son having to go through grief and learn about death at such a young age.

Hugs to your family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,217 Posts
I have a few but need to go look up the names because I can't remember. But I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss..for you and your entire family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
449 Posts
Molly's Rosebush by Janice Cohn,
here

was an excellent book. It's about a mother that has a miscarriage, and it explains and answers questions as the little girl asked. It helped my dd a lot. She wants to plant our own rosebush or some type of flowers where we will bury our baby. We had also just told our dd a week before the miscarriage happened - she was heartbroken and cried.

Goodbye Mousie by Robie H. Harris was also really helpful here's a link

The little boy in the book goes through all of the stages of grief and decorates a box for the mouse to be buried in and puts things in the box that he wants his mouse to have. The little boy in the book is probably only 3, but it brings up all of the issues. Our dd decided to draw a picture, put some toys and a little blanket in the chest we will bury the baby in. We will include our dd in the funeral, because I think it will be helpful to her and give her closure. I did ask her if she had any questions, and she did have some, like where the baby was now, etc. She also wanted to see the baby - but our baby was covered in blood and didn't have arms and legs even though it was almost 12 weeks, the baby didn't look like a baby. I thought it would be more traumatizing to see the baby like that. We haven't been able to bury the baby yet due to circumstances, but I think it will give her closure to be a part of it. She still asks about the baby and says she misses the baby sometimes.

My dd was 5 1/2 at the time of the miscarriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
218 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Just some feedback -- last Saturday, we got When Dinosaurs die from the public library, and it did get my son talking, sharing his thoughts about that baby that only lived such a short time in mommy's tummy and was very very sick, asking me when it will grow again etcetc. It is such an eye-opener for me to see the concept of death through his eyes -- no, he really doesn't realize that death is something final.
Anyways, we have been reading that book several times since then, and it helps me as well, a good occasion to shed a few more tears over our sweet little Daniel......
Got Goodye Mousie today from the library, still digging for the others, but I may even leave it at that.

Thank you all!
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top