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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hopefully this is the right forum for this. I am actually going to skip the long rant providing specific details on my in laws and keep it short. The husbands family are insane, hateful, and a very nasty bunch of human beings. They are truly causing me an overwhelming amount of stress that today has been so bad has caused severe panic attacks. I can provide details if necessary but it would just be easier if you all understood that this is not petty conflict or war to see who is most important in husbands life... Its none of that. They are legitimately bad people all the way around that have nothing to offer our family but heartache and sorrow.<br><br>
My question is... Deep down i believe my husband knows this but he continues to let them do things they shouldnt and hurt us. Is it fair given that i have tried every approach and knowing i have done everything i can to insist he cut ties with these people in the interest of my well being and health?<br><br><br>
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Unfortunately, a relationship goes both ways. If they don't want to make an effort to play nice, then it is understandable to cut ties. My husband's extended family can be really, really nasty. Actually, they're nasty to me most of the time. We decided after making an honest effort to fix things that it wasn't worth the hassle. If they can't behave, we don't come around them at all. It is their loss.
 

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<p>hmm. you can insist that he cut ties, but if he doesn't? then what? does he become further entrenched, in the interest of being "right"? in short, are you making it worse for yourself by being too insistent with your husband?</p>
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<p>perhaps he is needing to take it slower and prove to himself that the situation is not going to change.</p>
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<p>you can change yourself, but you can't change another person. you can't make your husband feel the same way you do -- he is not yet adamant about cutting ties.</p>
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<p>so, where does that leave you? pregnant and stressed... what can you do to eliminate the stress factor for yourself... short of "insisting" that he cut ties (which may or may not even work... you can "insist" but will he fulfill... and even if he does, will it be genuine and permanent?)</p>
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<p>brainstorm ideas as to what you need to do to free YOURSELF from the stress. a long vacation away from everyone? not allowing the inlaws into your home? never personally seeing them again? asking your husband to never mention them to you anymore? ?? just some ideas...</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You bring up a very good point. The truth is i dont have an answer though. I do not know how to feel better about people stealing from my husband or the constant names that i hear when they talk about me. It hurts it hurts a lot and i am obsessed with not being hurt by it and not letting people hurt my husband. I want to be happy and i want these things to not bother me and to just let them go and feel ok with the act i have no control over it but i just cant.... I dont know how. Do you know how?<br><br><br>
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<p>hmm. one strategy would be to visualize what it would look like to simply "let go" of the problem... the relief it would bring to no longer have to deal with it... and then emotionally hold-tight to the feelings that are inspired by that release. </p>
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<p>then you can brainstorm tangible reactions to real-life situations that would achieve the same emotional catharsis.</p>
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<p>i do think that you need to let go of this.</p>
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<p>right, people should not steal from your husband. of course, they should not call you names. </p>
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<p>but the more you can disconnect emotionally from it... especially from the name-calling... the more you can let go of these people as "insignificant," the more they become but a speck of annoying dirt on your car's windshield, suitable to be sprayed and then whisked off... rather than large looming problem people breathing down your necks and screaming in your ears, which you need to fight with your husband over, and agonize about how to deal with.</p>
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<p>i can't get into your head specifically... but try to visualize ways you can change your thinking about them... to reduce them to a size worthy of being in your life (i.e., not at all). </p>
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<p>and finally, if you don't want them in your life (which i think you said is your goal?)... start thinking of them as *not.in.your.life*. in other words, they are out of your picture completely. "husband, this is how i have to think of them, otherwise it is too much stress to me and right now, being pregnant, stress is very toxic. please, help me by never mentioning them to me again, anymore." hopefully he can oblige this request, since it is merely a request to leave you out of it. he is free to continue having a relationship with them. just leave.you.out.of.it. and thank you very much.</p>
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<p>best wishes!</p>
 

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<p>I don't think it's fair to dictate to your husband (presumably, an adult with full mental capacity) who he can and can't have a relationship with. And I don't think issuing that kind of ultimatum would be good for your relationship. That being said, I certainly agree that you have the right to sever ties, to the extent possible, with people who bring nothing but anguish to your life. I would certainly discuss with your husband, preferrably in a calm moment, your feeling that his family is doing nothing but bringing your family down, and your desire to cut ties with them. Maybe he will agree to do so. But if not, I think it is reasonable to tell him (again, calmly, if at all possible) that you will no longer be associating with them - you will not visit with them in their home, attend any events where you know they will be, discuss them with your dh etc. And that you would strongly prefer that he would not invite them into your home, but if he's not willing to do that, that he let you know when they will be visiting so you can leave.</p>
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<p>Obviously, if your dh continues to have a connection to his family, you will not completely escape that (for example, if they're stealing from him, they could still do that if he's still in contact with them), but that should at least eliminate the stress of hearing them say terrible things about you/your family. It's not ideal to have you and your dh not on the same page about this, but I think that that is better than trying to order your dh around as if he were a subordinate instead of an equal.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Tropicana your visualizing idea is super super helpful thank you so much for sharing that. Im still struggling and finding myself very depressed but if i sit back and take your advice i can find short bouts of serenity. I think i will just need to do it often and practice and increase the length of my hold on those thoughts.<br><br><br>
Thank you also monkeyscience that is good advice and very reasonable.<br><br>
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