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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
abort. He knows that isn't going to happen. He continues to try to push it, but he knows he has no say. So, then he tries to convince me to let his mother adopt the baby. Nope. Not gonna happen either. I'm going to raise this baby. Now, he's guilting me into not putting his name on the birth certificate. He says he doesn't want to feel pushed into being a father. He doesn't want to be forced to pay for a child that he doesn't even want to exist. I know I'm screwing myself over by seriously contemplating doing this. The reason I'm thinking about it seriously? He says he'd rather die than be forced into fatherhood. It's weird because we get along fabulously other than this pregnancy/baby issue.

I know he doesn't love me like I love him. I'd rather screw myself out of child support than see him wind up dead. What's weird is I don't hold any anger with him over this. I understand WHY he has a problem with us having a baby together. I experience chronic pain, which makes it difficult for me to keep a job out of the home (I'm unemployed, on public assistance), and difficult some days to physically care for my childrens' needs on my own. I already have 3 kids, and technically, I'm still married to their father. Yeah, we should've thought of that before... well, it's too late now.

I'm sad more than anything. Not mad. Sad. I want so much to be able to prove to him that we can do this! I want him to know that I'm not forcing him into this, and while his child will exist, I'm not going to condemn him to caring for a child he feels so much bitterness towards. If he wants to financially support the child voluntarily, he can do that. I prefer to keep things out of the court system anyways.

I'm still seeing him. Like I said, it's weird... we get along great except for this issue. I keep hoping and praying that he'll eventually come around. I keep hoping this request to not have his name on the birth certificate is just some kind of test.
 

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If he didn't want to be a father, then he would have worn a condom/gotten a V, or not had sex with you.

Sounds like he's trying to get out of being responsible for his actions.

Also, why is his life more important to you than making him be responsible for his actions?

Besides, death benefits would probably pay more anyways.
 

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Wow, what an awful situation to be in.
It sounds like he really doesn't want to be a dad at this point. Maybe you just need to let him go and not count on him for right now - if he comes back he does, if not then it was not meant to be. Child support is a personal decision, and each mama is entitled to her own opinion on cs. I'm all for child support, I believe that men should help support their children plain and simple. Whether or not they want to be involved in the child's life is up to them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I don't want him to die due to pushing him to pay child support. That seems so silly to me. It's silly that he's threatening this. There's a possibility he will help out financially without court ordered child support. There's a possibility that he'll come around and decide he wants to be an active father.

But, I'm preparing myself emotionally to do this on my own again, even though he is still in my life. It's just easier to work on figuring out how to do this on my own, than to focus all my attention and energy on fighting with somebody who obviously isn't interested in parenthood.
 

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to you! It sounds like a very difficult situation all around.

I just want to be sure I understand: is he threatening to kill himself if you have the baby or press him for child support?? He sounds very disturbed. Of course, I am somewhat biased as my ex threaten all manner of unsavory things, including suicide, when I went ahead and had our younger child. Regardless of my experience, it is emotional abuse, IMO, for him to say that.
 

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He's manipulating you by threatening sucide. Don't let him do that to you and your baby! He needs to be a man and be responsible for his actions, not force you into doing what he wants.
Don't let him do this to you mama, you deserve better, and so does your baby!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by a_work_in_progress
I don't want him to die due to pushing him to pay child support. That seems so silly to me. It's silly that he's threatening this. There's a possibility he will help out financially without court ordered child support. There's a possibility that he'll come around and decide he wants to be an active father.
Unless he's threatening suicide... paying child support never killed anyone. It's a PIA for sure, but like the other mamas have said, if he wasn't ready for that possibility he should have thought about that BEFORE getting your pregnant. It really sounds like he needs to GROW UP.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Yeah, pretty much he's threatening suicide. It's so odd, because he is mentally stable other than this thing. It really is a weird situation. Y'know, he's like Mr. Perfect except when it comes to this. We haven't gotten into screaming matches over it. It's all calm. It's STRANGE. Very rarely do we talk about the pregnancy/baby. He speaks logically about how I shouldn't have another baby. Talk of death is very matter-of-fact, and not threatening. See, he has some health problems going on right now that could kill him if left untreated. He's choosing not to get treatment, because he feels his life is falling apart due to this baby's existance and he's given up the will to live.
 

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Okay, not to be alarmist, but be very very careful. Just read an article about homicide/attacks of pregnant moms is very common, it's scary how people can react in these situations, especially men when they feel trapped. Be careful! If he is reacting this strongly, be careful. (I think the article was in the latest O magazine.) It's the ugly side of pregnancy/men.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by a_work_in_progress
Yeah, pretty much he's threatening suicide. It's so odd, because he is mentally stable other than this thing. It really is a weird situation. Y'know, he's like Mr. Perfect except when it comes to this. We haven't gotten into screaming matches over it. It's all calm. It's STRANGE. Very rarely do we talk about the pregnancy/baby. He speaks logically about how I shouldn't have another baby. Talk of death is very matter-of-fact, and not threatening. See, he has some health problems going on right now that could kill him if left untreated. He's choosing not to get treatment, because he feels his life is falling apart due to this baby's existance and he's given up the will to live.
That calm side could just be his manipluation (even from the begining.) It's very common for abuse victims to say that he wasn't wonderful when he wasn't hurting them. Just something to think about.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by CryPixie83
It's a PIA for sure, but like the other mamas have said, if he wasn't ready for that possibility he should have thought about that BEFORE getting your pregnant. It really sounds like he needs to GROW UP.
I disagree. It is easier to be out 25% of your paycheck compared to paying rent, food, clothes, pampers, wipes, shoes, etc. Also, medical insurance in most jobs charge over $200 a month.

CS is a minor inconvience, not a PITA.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by a_work_in_progress
I don't want him to die due to pushing him to pay child support. That seems so silly to me. It's silly that he's threatening this. There's a possibility he will help out financially without court ordered child support. There's a possibility that he'll come around and decide he wants to be an active father.
If the man is telling you he would rather die than take any responsibity for the child he fathered then there is no chance what so ever that he will become a healthy or productive part of that child's life.
I'm sorry.


Quote:

Originally Posted by a_work_in_progress
But, I'm preparing myself emotionally to do this on my own again, even though he is still in my life. It's just easier to work on figuring out how to do this on my own, than to focus all my attention and energy on fighting with somebody who obviously isn't interested in parenthood.
I've been in a similar situation, my ex was terrified about becoming a father, he told all through the pregnancy that he loved me and he already loved the baby but he didn't know if he could handle the responsibility. Then two weeks after the baby was born he left.

This is my advice to you; get him out of your life NOW.

Dealing with a break up during your babymoon is not worth having him around right now. I know it's scary facing pregnancy and birth alone, but it is so worth it. Look at what he's putting you through...because of something as amazing as a child this man really doesn't deserve your time or love.

I know it sucks, I'm sorry I really am.
 

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Eh, if he dies, you'll get SSI for your child. He'll pay child support dead or alive, to be totally blunt.

One word of warning - don't fall for the "Hail Mary Pass" - where a guy suddenly wants to marry you and have babies "in the future" and all you need to do is "abort this baby so that we can have babies together later, as man and wife". It's a dirty trick that goes around.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Medusa
If the man is telling you he would rather die than take any responsibity for the child he fathered then there is no chance what so ever that he will become a healthy or productive part of that child's life.
I'm sorry.


I've been in a similar situation, my ex was terrified about becoming a father, he told all through the pregnancy that he loved me and he already loved the baby but he didn't know if he could handle the responsibility. Then two weeks after the baby was born he left.

This is my advice to you; get him out of your life NOW.

Dealing with a break up during your babymoon is not worth having him around right now. I know it's scary facing pregnancy and birth alone, but it is so worth it. Look at what he's putting you through...because of something as amazing as a child this man really doesn't deserve your time or love.

I know it sucks, I'm sorry I really am.
Sounds like great advice to me.
 

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I agree with everyone else, get out now and don't buy into his "I'll kill myself" crap. Its just a ploy so you don't go after child support. Next time he says it tell him "oh good! I'm sure I'll get much more in SSI then I will in child support!"


btw, since your on PA they WILL go after him for support and if you don't give up his name they can refuse to give you benefits or sanction you so the no child support is not an option.
 

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I'm just going to agree with the general consensus on this board and say he's just trying to dodge getting out of his responsibility. Nothing like a lovely guilt trip to help out the cause.


I'll be curious to see how his mood/actions will be when you're past the legal week of pregnancy to get an abortion. (theres a specific week right? I'm not all that familiar with this, but i think there is?) Perhaps then you'll get some definitive answers you were seeking.

Just wanted to respond and give a
I hope you find the answers that you're looking for.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaInTheBoonies
I disagree. It is easier to be out 25% of your paycheck compared to paying rent, food, clothes, pampers, wipes, shoes, etc. Also, medical insurance in most jobs charge over $200 a month.

CS is a minor inconvience, not a PITA.
Well, that's true... but a lot of times it's a PITA to get it out of the parent... Granted I've never had to worry about it, but I do know my "father" was supposed to pay CS when I was younger and we never saw a dime of it.
 

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I have to agree with the other women here. It seems like he is taking advantage of your "love" for him and trying to make you feel sorry for him by saying he'll kill himself. That kind of manipulation is toxic. Be careful, mama.
 
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