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My SIL has been seeing this guy for about a year and a half, and they just called it quits. She was telling me about his wish for a prenumptual agreement, and I was wondering WHY exactly he would need one b/c he really is in the same financial situation she is, they neither one have much in the way of assets. It seems that he wants to wait another 3 years to get married b/c he wants to build a house first (he had said this to me over the holidays and while I thought it strange, I didnt' think much of it). It seems the reason he has behind this is that he wants a prenumptual agreement that he gets the house no matter what (yeah, the house he doesn't have the $$ for, will have to borrow $$ for, and hasn't even built or started yet). Does anyone else think this is the most bizarre thing they've ever heard? SIL finally decided, after he said all of this about the prenump. that it was over, and he would never be much in way of a partner. I feel really bad for her, but I want to drive up and give this guy a piece of my mind! I totally understand prenumps when you have assets to protect, say $250,000 worht of assets or more, but when you don't have ANY assets, and basically are worth $10,000-20,000, or less when you subract what all you owe, WHY would you do that? Does anyone else think this sounds manipulative?
 

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I have to admit, that does sound pretty far fetched.
 

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the whole thing seems odd but at least he was honest about how he felt about everything, your SIL saw everything for what it was and both were able to to see clearly now (rather than later) that this just wasn't going to work out.
 

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I am neutral on pre-nups for childless couples, and very pro when one or both people in the couple has children from a previous relationship.<br><br>
While I do agree this guy sounds like he's putting the cart before the horse, OTOH, he was up front and honest, and sounds like he didn't wait until the day after the engagement to say 'here honey, I want you to sign this!'.<br><br>
People talk about and make tenative plans for a lot of things pre-marriage. Children, religion, ect. I don't think finances are any different, and don't see planning out the house you want and/or the timeline to get there as any different than people who hammer out what religion they want to raise their children in or budget priorities or how they want to raise children or whether to have any in the first place. If it's important to you, then you should put it on the table, regardless of how silly it might seem to someone else.
 

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My short answer is, if they couldn't come to SOME sort of agreement, she's better off without him!!!
 

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I don't know you sisters ex's history. If his parents were divorces the "home" issue could be carried over from childhood trauma. We all carry what some seem stupid traumas that affect how we function. I read an article writen by a woman who had to have the house in a prenup because she was left homeless after her parents divorced. She mentioned a few other things I wish I could find the article. It was a while ago when I read it.<br><br>
He was honest and upfront. Give him credit for that. Prenumps aren't just for the rich. Many people are poor when they get married and rich when they divorce.
 

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I'm not a fan of prenups at all. If someone I was planning to marry asked me to sign one I'm not sure I'd go forward with the marriage. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/sulkoff.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="tiptoe">
 

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I agree, that's kind of an odd situation for a prenup. My boyfriend is relatively wealthy, owns his own business and I'd sign a prenup if he asked for it. In his case, though, it makes sense as he has actual assets to protect.<br><br>
I, on the other hand, just have debt so ... not much to safeguard there.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I think prenups are fraught at the best of times. In my experience they never account for the years of unpaid domestic work and childcare generally undertaken by mothers and wives.<br><br>
If a prenup dealt with percentages (like 20/80 of the house or whatever) rather than dollar values, i might feel a bit better about them because it could at least account for a change in financial status.<br><br>
It seems to me that it's hard enough for mothers to get reasonable settlements and child support at the best of times and a prenup is likely to further complexify the scenario.
 

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Well in your sister's story, I'd be much less concerned about the prenup and more concerned that her guy didn't want to marry her for 3+ years so he could build his dream house. I assume that he would put his preferences above hers in choosing layout, fixtures, etc. since he is so concerned about keeping the house in the event of a split. So basically what he told your sister is that "I'm going to spend the next 3 years with my primary focus on myself and getting what I want and then after that, if you're still around, I'll marry you." That's his right and doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, but it makes him a HORRIBLE candidate for a healthy marriage in my opinion. Better your sister know this sooner rather than later. Instead of being so mad at the guy, I'd recommend your sister start focusing on dating men who are ready and willing to share and build a life together with a spouse rather than a man who fits a wife into his pre-designed master plan.
 

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I waver on prenups.<br><br>
However, it sounds more like he is using it as an evading tactic to not have to deal with being married. He gets all the fun as it were.<br><br>
I would look at his past and families past to see how things have been in the relationship dept because I think he either has been scarred, or your sister just isn't the right match.<br><br>
good luck!<br>
rebecca
 

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Why are soo many of you in favor of prenups???? Just curious. I don't even know if I like the idea of prenup if you have children from a previous relationship???? I guess if the children are very young, yes, some legal document protecting your estate for them should you die... but short of that, why would you need a prenup to protect them???<br><br>
Maybe I just don't get it, but in the age of intention and all isn't a prenup basically saying, 'when we get divorced, blah, blah, blah.<br><br>
Now if you are worth millions and millions I get it.... but us regular folk???<br><br>
N
 

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A prenup is two people taking care of eachother's future while they still love eachother.
 

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Dealing with an estate makes a lot of people go batcrap crazy.<br><br>
Even otherwise nice people. Maybe it's the stress of dealing with a loved one's death, or whatever--but even in a non-complicated family situation, surely most people here have heard of siblings arguing/fighting after their parents die, ect.<br><br>
I think that if you have children, and you are of the opinion that you want certain things to go to them, spelled out in a very clear way, then it's wise to incorporate that into a prenup agreement. There are so many cases of the partner assuming their spouse will do one thing with the property or whatever, but either they weren't clear and the spouse didn't know any better (because a lot of people don't like talking about stuff like this) or the spouse changed their mind after the fact.<br><br>
I think it's a little less likely to happen if the person has a current will that's been looked over by an attorney that is experienced in estate planning, but even so, it's good IMO to have multiple very clear understandings about such things before the need arises.<br><br>
In addition, I think if someone has a family business, it's a good idea to consider a prenup that spells out what happens in the event of divorce or death, as far as the spouse being able to claim a share of the company, or the family having first rights to buy back the share (like Susie marries Jim, and they operate one of the family's two hardware stores. Susie gets run over by a bus. Susie and Jim had an understanding that if he didn't want to operate the business anymore he'd sell it back to her family. Jim gets a better offer from his friend Jim-Bob, so decides to sell it to him instead, despite what he promised, probably in good faith at the time, to do. Or, in another scenario, it might be a good idea for Susie to make sure that her share of the family business is not considered communal property, so in the even of a divorce or Jim hitting someone with his car and getting slapped with a massive personal lawsuit, the assets of her family's business can't be gone after).<br><br>
If you would be personally insulted by any kind of prenuptual agreement whatsoever, then that's fine. I could understand that. But I do think that they have their places. And they're not just for rich people. If I had a family farm, I'd want some kind of agreement in writing prior to marriage where I could be sure myself and my future spouse had a clear understanding about things and were on the same page. If, god forbid, something were to happen to my DH and I were to remarry, there are certain family assets that I would like protected and to be very clear are to be used for my children's benefit (the accounts that have their college money in it, for one). Now, I do have a current will, and believe in keeping it updated. But it would be important for me to know that my new DH would be very clear, that there were no suprises.<br><br>
My viewpoint has changed on this a lot. I used to think that the only people who had prenups were greedy or horrible mistrustful people. However, having seen the chaos and jaw-dropping fights that can happen quite often in a family when the very unexpected death of the last or only parent happens...I just think it's best when everyone is very clear, up front, and when you have an extra bit of legal protection. I think that can help everyone in the long run.<br><br>
That being said, I could respect someone who would walk away from me, after they saw what I would like them to agree to officially. However, were they to freak out on me and call me names or try to bully me into not doing that by saying 'don't you trust me' or 'you're just planning to leave right away'...that would tell me information about them that might have me reconsidering whether a relationship with them would be wise, too.
 
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