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I only have a few minutes, so in short, my first freebirth was after 2 c/s's and my dp was NOT on board, but recognised that if I'd gone back to the hospital they'd kill me all the way as opposed to being able to ressucitate me like the last time.
So, I did not want anyone attendant to me but dp was pretty terrified. When I was in the last part of my month-long labour, he called our friend who is a midwife to come over and stay with him elsewhere. She agreed and came and it had to be secret because even though she came as a friend, their codes require that she act in the role of a mw if she is witness to a birth; she is automatically considered 'attendant' and does not have the option to not follow protocol.
I didn't want that, and she knew that, so she didn't come near me and stayed with dp in another room. She was a wonderful support for him though and for me by proxy by telling him things like, 'bring her some water' and 'this ball will help with her back'.
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I was alone most of the time because dp would sort of run in and then run out of the room like he was afraid to annoy me.
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I never know what to say to mamas whose dps are not really willing to learn or who choose to be governed by fear and expect their fear-based decisions to be respected. If he's not willing, then he's not willing. I tried to convince my dp of the safety of freebirthing with my first freebirth, and in the end he still trusted the mw over me, even though I had educated myself about birth to a degree that I was asked by the college of midwives to lecture on the subject of the woman's innate ability to birth without interference- even from midwifery.
Anyway. What could I recommend for someone who doesn't want to learn or who chooses to be governed by fear? Educate yourself to the degree that you no longer need his support. Then through that, you will be sharing and gaining a confidence that may encourage him to learn so he can be confident with you. That is the only thing that 'works' in my opinion.
Well, that and witnessing the process first hand. After my first freebirth, my dp was so convinced that he became a sometimes embarrasingly outspoken advocate of freebirth. Previously, he would not read anything or watch anything to do with it. My dp is an avid reader, avid movie and documentary watcher, and generally driven to learn things that interest him, but freebirth was not one of those things. Even now, he has not read a word about it, but his experience and my sharing what I have learned and continue to learn has amounted to quite a store of knowledge and understanding over the past nearly five years.
You can't do anything about his fear, and that is the obstacle. You can do something about yours though, and that's where I'd put my energy, personally.
If he's capable of coming around, it will be on his terms anyway, so you need to do what you need to do and he'll have to do his own work to get there where you are and end up.
Just my 2 cents.
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As for resources, I'm on my dp's computer and don't have my lengthy favourites to reference. I'd start with youtube if you like that sort of thing. I really like Laura Shanley's site and in her links section, there are lots of interesting sites too. When I was doing my research, I read extensively at the WHO site to make my own retroactive studies of various issues and also I read a lot of medical studies about birth that allowed me to formulate my own stats for my particular situation.
Also, find out what the nearest hospital's decison-to-incision time is. Compare in-hospital maternity times with 911 transfer times. For us with my first freebirth, d-t-i time for transfer was 20 minutes inclusive for transfer from home and 40 minutes if I were in maternity there, so if you are concerned about the 'safety' factor, then you'll need to know this info. Ask midwives in your area to give you these times too, because hospitals often like to pad the info in their favour. Mws have experience with this and will now how long it really takes in both scenarios. Hopefully they will be honest; don't tell them you are planning a UC.
Okay, I'm off to make dinner. Sorry for the curt feel of my writing. I'm typing very quickly and wanted to respond before I had to go.
You can do what you need to do mama, and your dp is a grown man and can do what he needs to as well. But he has to do it; you can't convince him, truly.
So, I did not want anyone attendant to me but dp was pretty terrified. When I was in the last part of my month-long labour, he called our friend who is a midwife to come over and stay with him elsewhere. She agreed and came and it had to be secret because even though she came as a friend, their codes require that she act in the role of a mw if she is witness to a birth; she is automatically considered 'attendant' and does not have the option to not follow protocol.
I didn't want that, and she knew that, so she didn't come near me and stayed with dp in another room. She was a wonderful support for him though and for me by proxy by telling him things like, 'bring her some water' and 'this ball will help with her back'.
I never know what to say to mamas whose dps are not really willing to learn or who choose to be governed by fear and expect their fear-based decisions to be respected. If he's not willing, then he's not willing. I tried to convince my dp of the safety of freebirthing with my first freebirth, and in the end he still trusted the mw over me, even though I had educated myself about birth to a degree that I was asked by the college of midwives to lecture on the subject of the woman's innate ability to birth without interference- even from midwifery.
Anyway. What could I recommend for someone who doesn't want to learn or who chooses to be governed by fear? Educate yourself to the degree that you no longer need his support. Then through that, you will be sharing and gaining a confidence that may encourage him to learn so he can be confident with you. That is the only thing that 'works' in my opinion.
Well, that and witnessing the process first hand. After my first freebirth, my dp was so convinced that he became a sometimes embarrasingly outspoken advocate of freebirth. Previously, he would not read anything or watch anything to do with it. My dp is an avid reader, avid movie and documentary watcher, and generally driven to learn things that interest him, but freebirth was not one of those things. Even now, he has not read a word about it, but his experience and my sharing what I have learned and continue to learn has amounted to quite a store of knowledge and understanding over the past nearly five years.
You can't do anything about his fear, and that is the obstacle. You can do something about yours though, and that's where I'd put my energy, personally.
If he's capable of coming around, it will be on his terms anyway, so you need to do what you need to do and he'll have to do his own work to get there where you are and end up.
Just my 2 cents.
As for resources, I'm on my dp's computer and don't have my lengthy favourites to reference. I'd start with youtube if you like that sort of thing. I really like Laura Shanley's site and in her links section, there are lots of interesting sites too. When I was doing my research, I read extensively at the WHO site to make my own retroactive studies of various issues and also I read a lot of medical studies about birth that allowed me to formulate my own stats for my particular situation.
Also, find out what the nearest hospital's decison-to-incision time is. Compare in-hospital maternity times with 911 transfer times. For us with my first freebirth, d-t-i time for transfer was 20 minutes inclusive for transfer from home and 40 minutes if I were in maternity there, so if you are concerned about the 'safety' factor, then you'll need to know this info. Ask midwives in your area to give you these times too, because hospitals often like to pad the info in their favour. Mws have experience with this and will now how long it really takes in both scenarios. Hopefully they will be honest; don't tell them you are planning a UC.
Okay, I'm off to make dinner. Sorry for the curt feel of my writing. I'm typing very quickly and wanted to respond before I had to go.
You can do what you need to do mama, and your dp is a grown man and can do what he needs to as well. But he has to do it; you can't convince him, truly.
