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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, DH and I had the Big Talk about all of the problems we've been having re: his lack of any participation in the family/household. After I told him all of my concerns, he said, "I'll try to get better." So I said basically that a one-sentence promise just isn't going to cut it because we've been here before. I've heard that promise, and I need something to know that he's going to follow through.

He basically said that he doesn't know what to do except promise. It pretty much went downhill from there with his answer being that if I'd write down everything he needs to do, then he'll get it done "somehow." (People, last week I asked him to make 3 phone calls! He can't make them on his smoke breaks because "those are my breaks. I don't take them so I can *do* something.


Anyway I'm thinking that we really may need to separate for a while. I don't want a divorce. I don't think he does, but I do think we need some space. Since there's not a snowball's chance I'll get a weekend to myself to recharge and maybe approach this more logically, I don't know other than him moving out for a bit.

The only other option I considered is sending him emails of the things I need him to do. Actually I have done this, but he said "I don't have my email up all the time at work." Maybe if we worked out a system I could put a specific subject, and he could filter them into a folder. Then he could use that folder and do things out of it, deleting the emails when he's done. Am I treating him like a child?

I'm running on no sleep. DS is manic, didn't sleep last night. He went to bed at 7:15 this AM. DD promptly woke up. I finally woke DH at 10, talked to him a few minutes about the nighttime activities, and went to bed at 10:30. At noon, he came into the room and asked how long I planned to sleep.
: Then the kids miraculously ended up in the bathroom next to our bedroom screeching, and DH didn't manage to get to them until I was already in the bathroom taking care of it. And feed them lunch? Pfft.
 

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Does he have a cell phone? Could you text him the list?

What about sending him 1 email a day to his work account with a list of everything you need that day.
 

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My DH does a lot better with concrete concepts (and lists) than he does with abstract ideas.

If I write things down, they actually begin to happen. I didn't get a chance to write out a list today, but when I went to work, I asked him to please finish the dishes and wipe the counters down with bleach. I normally would ask him to tidy the kitchen, but that results in things being put away and dishes done, but not in everything being thoroughly CLEANED.

He spent ages telling me just to ask him to do whatever I needed him to do, and it took me forever to learn that abstract doesn't work for him. He needs minutia to 'get' how best to help me. He's not dumb (he's a computer programmer, and I've learned that he breaks *every* bit of life into tiny little pieces as he would to write a code... weird, but it works)

Anyway, I don't think separating is likely to fix anything, but being really clear and leaving visible lists up might...
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
So we're going to try an email an item. He reads my text messages but then deletes or forgets them. He said, "do you want me to pin a list to my shirt?" He was being sarcastic, but I thought, "hey, if that'll work..."

I know separating won't solve the problems. I really don't want to. I just need some time to recharge my batteries, and I don't know how to get it. I'll be in grad school full-time in the fall. I work as much as possible (which basically means every free second). We have church/community commitments. We have a 2YO and a SN 4YO. I'm just overwhelmed and need some help!
 

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Take some time to recharge. Leave for a weekend (even if you just toss a tent in the trunk of the car and drive to the nearest campground!) you may return to chaos, but they'll all survive one way or another. You can't effectively take care of anyone else unless you first take care of yourself. It's terribly cliche- but also very true.

It really is ok to leave him with everything, and it's ok if he doesn't get everything done as you want him to.

I read the other post you made with reference to the SN child as well- and I can absolutely relate to how incredibly draining that is. I have a SN 7 year old, and I feel so often that I'm the only one who 'gets' her. I feel guilty whenever I can't be there with her, but if I don't take some time away I get burned out and I don't have the patience I need to deal with her (I think my worst day actually involved my asking her 'Why can't you just be normal!?' Stellar parenting moment....)
 
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