Preschool friend hitting and shoving

I would just change the situations that you have them in for a while. Calls B's mom and agree on a simple strategy.

My first strategy would be no unsupervised playdates for a while, and not letting thing escalate. When B does come over with his mom, at the first sign of trouble give a warning. If there is any trouble then B and mom leave imediately. The same exact thing happens when you go to their house, first sign of trouble and you warn. If there is a problem, you pack up your DS and leave. Depending on how far away it is this might be a bit annoying though.

My second strategy would be to take them places where conflict are less likely to arise in the first place. Zoos, museums, etc. Places where there aren't toys to grab from each other. Places that are more structured and have a focus outside eachother.

These kids are still pretty young (I'm going by the date in your sig) My dd 3.5 and I see a lot of kids still get occasionally riled up to the point of hitting, etc. at this age. I would be horribly upset if one of the moms in our playgroup said that they didn't want their kids to be around my dd anymore because of some roughness. That said- I don't do unsupervised playdates yet- so all moms are always around to discipline their own child as necessary. I definitely agree with the pp that switching outings to places with no toys to fight over is HUGE. Parks, picnics, hiking, nature center are our favorites. Now, if your ds SAYS, on his own, that he doesn't want to hang out with this kid, that's another story, but I don't think that I would take the initiative to break off a friendship over it.

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I'm usually fine with roughhousing and occasional hitting....but it was like something in me snapped when B was beating up on my child today. I don't know any other kids who are like this. I guess there were some inicidents last week too. B grabbed ds off a picnic bench and pulled him to the ground and kept hitting him. Then later they were together in a small playhouse outside and B rammed a metal wagon into ds, then pushed him to the floor and threw a huge oversized (hard) basketball at his head. Ds had scrapes on his back. And today, B kept pushing ds down and scratching his face (ds was bleeding). And B was hitting me when I tried to separate them. Ds has said that he wants to wear a helmet to school so he won't get hurt when B pushes him. He's also said B is not his friend anymore and doesn't want to play with him. I wasn't taking ds seriously, but now I feel like he's right, maybe they're not friends anymore.

It sounds like B's Mom is pretty nice, could the two of you come up with a plan for how to handle it when B behaves badly at your house? I'm not sure how your discipline your ds, but maybe you could talk with B's Mom about what she's comfortable with (just calling her to come get him, separating the boys for a few minutes?). Maybe she has something she does when B hits? As far as your ds taunting him, it sounds like he's pretty young, but after B leaves you could start conversations with your ds about why he thinks B got so upset, why he hit, screamed, etc and guide him gently toward maybe B feeling badly because of how ds played with him? I wouldn't push that, it's not about blaming him or making him feel guilty, maybe just starting to introduce the idea of how your actions can lead to others feeling badly (we hate blaming words in our house, but we do want to teach the idea of your actions having consequences, like hurting someone's feelings).

I am sorry it was a rough play date. Last year, when my DS was about 3.5, he and his best friend went through a really rough patch. Luckily, her mom and I are quite close and have similar approaches to discipline - so it made working a lot of this stuff out easier. It at first seemed as though my son was the aggressor, which was horrible for me as a mom to see. We learned, once we started paying really close attention, that she was quietly provoking him. So, we also had to deal with both sides of it. We did a few things that really helped, and got the friendship back on track.

First, the other mom and I talked and agreed not to do drop off play dates for a while.

Second, we stayed right by the kids when they were playing so it was easy to see what was happening and not let it escalate. One of us was always at least within arms reach. We wouldn't leave their side to do something so simple as make a snack if there wasn't the other adult there. It gave us insight into what was causing the conflict and made it so we could talk them through it (also made it possible to catch a toy as it was about to be hurled at the other child, etc).

Third, we would often had talks amongst the four of us talking about being friends, etc. We talked about not doing things to upset the other person and not reacting physically if the other person does do something that upsets you. We finally decided on a no tolerance policy, and talked about that all together. One physical act of aggression, and the play date was over.

Finally, we kept the play dates really short for a while.

While it is hard to watch, and certainly you don't want your son to get hurt, I think it can be a great learning experience if the other mom is on the same page as you. I remember looking at DS and his friend, and thinking that they were both normally such lovely, beautiful little people and feeling so sad to see them in such conflict. I hope you guys are able to find a solution.

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: took the words right out of my mouth.