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Problems with Ex

740 Views 7 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  tery
Hello from Greece.
Excuse me for not speaking English very well, and my long post to be, but I really need someone to talk to and give me some advice.
we have a 28 month little boy, and at the time I am expecting the judge to decide whether he will get overnight. However he is still breastfeeding, something that the judge and the psychologist insisted that is bad for him and that I only do it to keep him wrongly attached at me. (my son is a very sociable kid and speaks greatly)
Moreover, I do not trust my ex at all. I do not know how to reach at him. when I try to discuss about how to educate our boy, he lets me talk so as to act absolutely the opposite way saying to him that he loves him and that is why he does so. For example, he tells him to hit all kids because they must learn that he is a buster. He tells him to treat girls in a veryabusive way , and so on. When I informed him that our son started putting his finger in his nose, and that the best way we should react was to say that we dont like that but nothing more, he agreed and then praised him for that because it ment he is a man. he gave him beer but fortunately the kid did not like it. He tells him to bite because daddy loves him and that is why he lets him do that.
I am trying to teach healthy eating, he says to him that mommys food is for the dogs and we will eat only candies because daddy wants the most delicious food for his son. and also that mommy does not want her son to become sweet so she does not give him sweets.
Sometimes he speaks to me and some others he turns his back on me and if i insist on talking like hello he says he is here only to take his son.
He drives with the child on his feet saying that that's what men do. He tells him not to cry or feel pain because he is a man. he promotes with baby stories people discrimination . He took him to the beach during a great flood and when they came back my baby was ice cold.
He believes that the kid must have no limits at all. at some point they came home with cutlery and other stuff of coffeeshops, and I told him that they mistakenly took them with them and to get them back. then my ex acted like he did not understand and told that they payed so much for the coffee they diserved the cutlery. I said that I do not agrre and I cannot accept these things in my house. I did not know how to react but I could not let stolen things in the house. The psychologist told me that I must not affect our son's attitude and wait for him to decide if he prefers to be like me or him... What was the right thing to do???
I could go on for hours and I am trully sorry about that.
a few hours ago I called a free line for help and what they told me in other words, is that I am the one who has the problem that I fear for everything and that as he is the father I must understand his point of view.
I need your help. How can i keep balance in family life? how can I say to my kid that I do not aggree without feeling that I do not appreciate his fathers attitude? How should i react when he and his family ignores me? Should I agree with hitting, bitting etc so as not to confuse him? Am i overeacting?
Thank you for listening and i hope to hear from you.
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what a terrible situation. i'm so sorry you aren't getting the support you need. you are the sane parent. you know what is healthy for your child - no, you should not go along with what your ex is doing.
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Thank you for your reply and support.
I am not giving up on what I believe is good for the kid, but I am pretty much afraid about how this controversy will have an impact on his psychology.
Is there anyway you could find a child psychologist for your child? Maybe one that would supervise visits with each of you in order to make a determination on each parents impact on the childs well being? I know that might seem a bit much for such a young child, but I'm not sure a court would listen to your concerns as valid without some sort of professional opinion. And that help line you called, that person didn't sound very supportive. Is there a different helpline or maybe you could give that one another chance in the hopes of speaking with a more compassionate person.

I would also document dangerous or illegal behavior. While it might not seem like a big deal that he "took" cutlery from a coffee shop, if it is part of a greater and continuous pattern of behavior it might be given greater consideration. Like taking an infant to an area during a flood shows a willingness to expose the child to danger.

I am sorry you are going through that. I would stick to your rules in your home when with your child. He will have different rules when with his father, but you can only control what is in your environment.
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Thank you so much for the suggestions.
I am going to visit a psychologist, but for the time being I do not have a work so as to be able to pay. However, I don't believe he is going to co-operate as he insists he is the perfect dad, but I am going to propose this to him. Moreover, I would not want our child to go through such a situation, I think he is too young.
Prior to the court, I visited another psychologist who new him in person, so as to be able to talk to somebody who had an opinion about him, but she refused to continue because she was prejudished against him and she also did not want to meet him again.
As far as the "cutlery" is concerned, my lawyer suggested that we should not inform the court about that because we could not prove it and he was going to press charges for defamation of character.
As far as the flood part is concerned, it is not that he Wants to expose the child to danger, he just believes it is OK and that his son wont became a nerd if he grows up in this way. This comes from the way he was raised. For example his parents are proud because they left their children attended by their dogs (at the age of 2) and stayed out the whole night so as to be able to have fun the two of them....
Oh I am so confused.
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What a tough situation! He tried to give your son alcohol? and has him on the floor of the car while he drives? This has got to be mentioned in court! You are completely right in all of your concerns.

Your ex telling your son to hit girls, etc.... that's just insane.

Is there a women's resource center/shelter where you are, so you can at least ask questions and get advice?

I understand your fear that the disagreements between both of you will harm your child - I've worried about that, too. But hopefully your child will be with you most of the time, and you will have the biggest influence. You can show your child that you disagree with "Dad" without insulting Dad (not that you are) - you can just tell him you've learned to be safe and healthy.

It sounds like you've been getting bad advice from the "professionals" you've spoken with so far. The hotline was not helpful, and "the psychologist told me that I must not affect our son's attitude and wait for him to decide if he prefers to be like me or him..." What in the world? You're not affecting your son's attitude by teaching him to be safe and respectful to others. DO NOT be afraid to continue to be a strong, good example for your son. You ARE doing the right thing, no matter what those people around you say. Keep reaching out for support in your area, and I truly hope you find it!
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Just wanted to post something - I feel terrible that you have to be abused in this way. (Make no mistake, this is abuse.)

Maybe there are other options for a helpline, or internet resources? I don't know where you are, & I can understand your not wanting to divulge it.... everyplace is different with regard to the laws, but I don't think behavior like that is accepted in most places nowadays, at least officially.

Maybe cumulatively it would be enough to restrict his access, though. I had a similar situation, I actually stayed with the guy until our baby was 4 years old because of that. As you say, he isn't trying to hurt the baby, but it has not occurred to him that these activities may not be OK.

I guess you could quit consulting him about how you'd like to raise your son, then he'd be unable to do the opposite of what you want, at least.
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Thank you for your interest and your time.
I will seek for professional advice as soon as I have my first paycheck, but for the time I had to ask for free help.
There are times that I am wondering if I am the insane one. He calls and asks for co-operation and the next time he does it again. Like today he took him for a 3 hour walk, while our son was in fever and coughing. I called him earlier to inform about his illness and he asked me to tell him what to give him to drink and I said something warm not salty and candies. When the kid came back was in high fever and he told me that he ate pop corn and cold cocoa milk and something else that he refused to tell me because dad told him not to say. When I asked again he told me dad loves me and gives me whatever I ask for....
Dear Misslotus, I try to do what you suggest but the kid tells his dad and he says the opposite again. For example I told him that I will not give him many candies everyday because I want him to have healthy teeth and the next day he came back to tell me that candies are good for the teeth and dad told him so. Moreover, it looked like he was angry at me for telling him such a lie.
Dear recremaicila, I know exactly what you mean as I was thinking of staying with him until the kid was old enough too, but he made my life a living hell so as to make me ask for a divorce.
Sorry for my long post. I am really thankful for all your advice and support it really makes me stronger.
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