Processing anger and finding forgiveness?

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Yes, there is no doubt that I want to forgive him. I also - objectively -
don't think that what he did was that bad. If he had an emotional or physical affair it would have been much harder.

Anyone??

Hi, I went through almost the exact same thing with my husband. He kissed a friend of ours one night and they emailed back and forth. I and the girl's bf found out and it went no further.

Like you I found myself being very angry, sad, low self esteem, abnormally low sex drive, and mourning the loss of trust I had for him.

You can forgive him. You want to forgive him. Evaluate what you really want. Think of what would really make you feel better and ask him to comply.

For me it was full disclosure. I have recieved all the emails that were exchanged. I spoke to both my friend and my husband about every detail, motivation etc. I reserved the right to speak about it whenever I wanted to and they complied.

Then when I was ready to move on, I destroyed the emails.

I also really delved deep on the subject of forgiveness. I meditated on it. I worked on it.

Really the only thing that really worked was time. My husband has never done anything remotely like this again. It has been almost four years since this happened and I can say I've even forgiven my friend for it.

It took me a long time and a lot of processing and meditation to get there... but I did.

We know have a second son and we've never been happier.

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Yes, I am, but being a psychologist doesn't make things easier on a personal level. Counseling is definitely a good suggestion and I'm looking for one. He is also getting individual counseling to give him the tools to deal more effectively with high levels of emotional stress.

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Thank you Breeder! I don't think he has the emails. He deleted them but I absolutely believe him when he says they weren't flirting or planning to meet up. He was feeling awful at the time because of the situation with his parents, and all kinds of stress in his life. I think he was merely looking because it was too hard to deal with the situation he was in with me. He felt like I was blaming him all the time - which I was - and he felt like creating a distance by trying to make him self believe that he could move on with someone else.

I think I do trust him and I don't think he would ever cheat on me. It's only when I get triggered and start to feel really angry that I doubt him and doubt myself. I know that I want to be with him and he is doing all the things I need him to. (Letting me talk about it every time I need to - asking me how I feel when he notices I look sad. We have some great conversations and it's definitely and opportunity for growth for both us individually and for us as a couple. I do know that I've never loved anyone that much and I want to live with him and hopefully get a baby if we don't get too old and tired!

What about DTD - did your libido get back to normal when you forgave him? How long did it take to get back to normal? I miss DTD. I miss the closeness.

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I'll look for it. Thanks! I think forgiveness is the keyword here!

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That is not what I meant at all. I was wondering if you might gain some perspective by trying to think about what you might tell someone else in a similar situation. But please disregard.

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I really didn't mean to be harsh or rude in any way. I simply meant (and I see that that wasn't clear at all) that I have a tendency to analyze and intellectualize my feelings. When it comes to dealing with or processing feelings it's not helpful to be a psychologist. I probably spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel what I feel and what I can do to change it instead of just feeling and getting things out of my system and that is not helpful. I hope that sorted it out

No sweat mama. :

Danishmom, I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

Thanks Clare! Who would have known. We are coming out of this stronger and closer but damn it! And I want my libido back. I get scared when it's completely gone like that!

What about just putting it aside, as an agreement, and focusing on other things? Sometimes the only solution is time...

Danishmom....

I'm seconding or thirding the counseling recommendation. This is a tough situation...good luck, we're here for you

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Theoretica - thank you! I want to do counseling - starting with individual counseling but I feel really ashamed and embarrassed that it even happened. My self esteem has been crushed and I hate to even admit it.

Triplaces: I would love to follow your suggestion. I think it a good one. Do you care to elaborate? I think all of my fears are making it difficult to put it aside. The fears are really strong and they trigger strong emotions. But what you suggest needs to be done to a certain degree because neither me or my DP can survive the way I feel right now.

Anyway a small update: I have been feeling worse and worse during the last few days. I need to ask you all how bad what he did to me is (see the first post in the thread). It's not that I doubt my right to these feelings but I'm so filled with rage and sorrow ("blaming" him and bringing it up several times a day by email, phone or texts on friday and saturday) I feel like I'm drowning. I really need to know if this degree of rage is "justified" and "normal"?

I went to survivinginfidelity.com but the stories there, which are mostly a lot worse than mine since they involve actual physical or emotional affairs, is probably making me more sad and more angry. It doesn't feel constructive. On the other hand I do need to know that I'm not alone and that we can get through this as a couple since that is what we both really want.

I'm starting to feel like I want to forgive him. Not that I feel ready yet but the feeling is nice to have. I've always had a easy time forgiving people and it's important for me to be like that.

Thank you all. It feels so good to have a community like this where I'll always feel safe posting and cared for!

I'm so sorry.

I'm glad you went to survivinginfidelity. Although your partner did not go further than the dating site, he was unfaithful to your implicit and, I assume, explicit understanding of your relationship. That's hard, whatever else did or didn't happen. Survivinginfidelity did help me a lot (as my DH had a series of one night stands) *but* it also saddened and angered me and I eventually stopped going. Just too much sorrow and hurt and not enough healing.

I do think it's good you're thinking about counseling. I totally understand the shame aspect, but, as you know as a mental health professional yourself, counselors have seen it all. It's just very hard to deal with other people knowing. Although lots of my friends and family knew about my DH's infidelity and helped me greatly, I almost wish now that they didn't. One, many of them will just never like DH again (I can understand that feeling as I'd feel that way myself if it were my friend or family member!). Also, there is a deep-seated prejudice against not kicking your unfaithful spouse to the curb. It's even here on MDC!

I do realize for some people, infidelity is well and truly a deal-breaker, but you never know til you've lived it. I felt and feel that people viewed me as "weak" for not kicking DH out. In fact, staying and trying to work our relationship out took far more strength and faith that leaving him would have.

As for forgiveness ... . you just can't force it. I'm not even sure what forgiveness, precisely, is or if I've actually forgiven DH. It's just, essentially, a matter of time. For me, forgiveness means, as close as i've figured it out, to letting the past go, to moving on in my relationship, to not holding it over DH's head all the time (though the infidelity does come up), and to be committed to building a future with him.

It doesn't mean I trust him unconditionally. i don't. It doesn't mean that the infidelity, for better or worse, isn't a part of the fabric of our relationship. It is. It just means it hasn't defined who we are as a couple.

i think the big thing for me was intimacy. It was just very very hard to get back enough emotional trust for that aspect of our relationship to be good again. (although sex was a very big issue before the infidelity. I had already stopped feeling emotionally intimate with DH)

I wish I had more advice to give or wise things to say other than time and work. It sounds like you and your dp both really want this to work and that's incredibly important. You're entitled to feeling bad about things and that may take a long time to go away. Hang in there.

DariusMom - Thank you so much for your reply

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Yes we do want it to work. What have been hard the last month is that we cycle up and down having a four or five wonderful days and then two or three really awful days. I think we both really want peace and love because we both had our sense of security broken. We have always been best friends and it makes the fear of loosing each other even worse.

Once again - thank you so much for replying!

Mama. I think one big thing to consider is that you're grieving. One thing that you're grieving is the complete trust that you used to have in your relationship. It makes sense for you to be really angry, that is part of grief. Don't feel guilty, if you don't allow yourself to process your feelings now, they will probably surface later on.

Another thing to realize is that fear and faith cannot co-exist. There will come a time when you will need to decide which one to focus on. I'm not saying that you need to choose right now but as you go through the grieving process you will probably get to a place where you will basically have to decide what is more important to you, holding on to the fear about what happened or having faith in your relationship.

It will never completely go away but it can get better. FWIW, I thinkt that the fact that your partner isn't getting all defensive is a big sign that he is taking responsibility for his actions and will do what it takes to earn your trust again - but it will take time.

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Thank you Gillian! Very wise words indeed. He is definitely taking responsibility for it and I do know it won't happen again. He is just as shocked by his own actions as I am. He has been great and very caring and I would love to pay back by letting my actions come from a place of love and trust in our future. It's just so hard whenever something triggers these feelings. And it actually feels like any other kind of trauma where memories get triggered by some kind of external or internal stimuli. It's hard because I feel like I have little to no control. So right now we are talking about how I can express anger and sorrow in acceptable ways. I have been too hard on him a couple of times and it does no good. I'd much rather be loving towards him and just deal with the negative stuff on my own.