[Freefromitall]

ETA: Sorry for the novel!


So. Dh and I have had this problem. Where he works all week during the day, comes home and falls asleep on the couch ASAP. Then he brings his friend home friday night, parties all night friday, spends Saturday morning in bed, the goes and does what he pleases Saturday afternoon till early Sunday morning, then sleeps until about 11am and then wants to go over to his mom's for the rest of the day.
Obviously, not okay. I never see him, his kids never see him, and yes, we go to his mom's with him abotu every other time.But that consists of him sitting in front of the football game, while I chase two toddlers around a house that is not childproofed, has many breakables, and is inhabited by his SFIL, who doesn't like small children. Yippee skippee.
We've been fighting about this since August. Seriously. And he keeps telling me that THIS weekend will be different. And it never is.

So there is the background.
Dh was gone all week at school. Like out of town gone, b/c of the drive he stays at a motel(at the expense of the union) So, silly me, believing him again, I was waiting for him to get home from school this evening. And he shows up. With his friend.
Clearly this weekend is not going to be any different.
In fact, right now, he is sitting at his mother's bar.
His excuse is that he won't have work over the holiday, and so will be able to be home then.
I pointed out, (and I was very careful not to be emotional, or angry, just matter-of-fact) that other times he's had off for a week or so, he's managed to either not be home or to be out in his garage the whole time.
His excuse for that was that he doesn't get to be out in his garage when he's working. Well, you don't spend time with us either, when you're working.

He then stood there and goes, "I can't believe you're getting mad. I haven't even done anything yet, and you're getting mad and pissy already."

And I, again, very calmly, no theatrics/drama/tears, said, "This weekend has already started off the same as the last 4months. So I don't believe you when you say this time it will be different. I'm not mad about you not being around, yet, I just honestly don't believe you. You haven't followed through before. I will believe it when I see it."

And he got a disgusted look on his face and walked out the door.

I'm proud that I didn't break down, and that I controlled my behaviour. Even though I can't control what kind of crap he pulls, I can control my reaction, and I will NOT give him any justification/satisfaction for pulling that shit.

I admit it does bother me a little bit, because I'm truly not angry at this point. And to me, it feels like I've taken another step towards leaving him, by giving up the hope that he will actually change his behaviour. By accepting that it's not likely to happen in this lifetime.

 

[hedgehogs4]

Just wanted to give you a

. I can totally understand you being proud of yourself and sad at the same time.

 

[Devaskyla]

 

[TinkerBelle]

You are way nicer than me. I would ask him exactly why he married and had children, if he only wants to spend time with his party buddies and his mommy.

I would also stop going to MIL's. I would tell DH that he has a choice: He needs to decide whether he wants to be single, live with his buddies or his mommy, and pay child support, or if he wants to be a husband and father. He cannot continue this.

I would keep a journal of this behavior, just in case you need it.

 

[earthmama369]

That's a major step and I'm glad for you that you were able to make it. And I'm sorry he can't see what's right in front of his face.

 

[groovynaturemama]

i'm sorry mama.

i think it's good that you kept your cool. i hope that your dh wakes up and "gets it" really soon.

 

[Thao]

Quote:

I'm proud that I didn't break down, and that I controlled my behaviour. Even though I can't control what kind of crap he pulls, I can control my reaction, and I will NOT give him any justification/satisfaction for pulling that shit.

You did really, really good!

He's going to bluster and get mad and try to get you to be the bad guy. Stay above it. Feel sorry for him, if you can. Because he is the one who is going to lose out bigtime if he keeps ignoring the family's needs. When keep your cool, he'll eventually realize that you are serious and he might lose you. That's when you'll find out what kind of man he really is.

I really really hope he chooses his wife and kids.

 

[Freefromitall]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle You are way nicer than me. I would ask him exactly why he married and had children, if he only wants to spend time with his party buddies and his mommy. I would also stop going to MIL's. I would tell DH that he has a choice: He needs to decide whether he wants to be single, live with his buddies or his mommy, and pay child support, or if he wants to be a husband and father. He cannot continue this. I would keep a journal of this behavior, just in case you need it.

Oh believe me, that's been said! And that is the reason why we only go roughly every other time with him. B/c while SFIL isn't super comfortable having the kids there, MIL does love and adore them. So I suck it up not for dh, but for the kids and MIL. I'm not as close to my grandparents as I would like, and part of that was being unable to see them. They were just voices on the other side of the phone, kwim?

And thank you for the journaling suggestion. I did start one back in Oct. detailing things like this.

 

[PiesandAbrosmama]

you did great

I thik this to myself often. I WILL BE THE BETTER PERSON. Not a martyr, not a blamer, not a guilter, not a bitch, but I will tell the truth, be honest, and stand up for myself. I think you did all of the above! I am hoping things work out and you find the peace and strength to do what you need to be happy!

 

[fek&fuzz]

I wonder if you could switch the vibe a little next time. Maybe make the home a loving place for him to come home to, instead of a place where people are mad at him (and have been for the last 4 months) and where he feels like he needs a buffer (his friend) and like he needs to escape.

Like when he said he be home over the holidays, what if you had softened and said "that would be so nice. I love it when you are home. I can't wait to spend that time with you

and to have you all to ourselves."

Also, can you and kids drive out at stay at the hotel with him one night a week, or is the drive too far? Do you talk on the phone during the week? Can you send him a letter that will arrive at the hotel for him? Do you hug and kiss him when he walks in the door at the end of the week?

 

[Freefromitall]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz I wonder if you could switch the vibe a little next time. Maybe make the home a loving place for him to come home to, instead of a place where people are mad at him (and have been for the last 4 months) and where he feels like he needs a buffer (his friend) and like he needs to escape. Like when he said he be home over the holidays, what if you had softened and said "that would be so nice. I love it when you are home. I can't wait to spend that time with you and to have you all to ourselves." Also, can you and kids drive out at stay at the hotel with him one night a week, or is the drive too far? Do you talk on the phone during the week? Can you send him a letter that will arrive at the hotel for him? Do you hug and kiss him when he walks in the door at the end of the week?

I call him every night that he is gone. It usually consists of him telling me he is tired and needs to get off the phone. He's in class during that week(which happens about every other month) from 8am to 8pm, plus he has a roomate during that time, so spending the night really isn't possible.

As for his claim that he'll be home in the upcoming weeks, I've heard that claim before. And I've gotten my hopes up before. Only to have him blow us off and crush me. So no, I'm not going to get my hopes up this time. I honestly do not believe him.

I have tried to be very accommodating of him and his need to go out. This summer, he was fine going out once a week and staying out til dawn. And I could live with that. I wasn't super thrilled with his hanging out at the bar all night, with his friend who is known to hit on anything that breathes, but I could handle one night a week.
When fall came, that wasn't enough. He now works all week(12hr shift plus commute) and then is gone from Friday after work(comes home long enough to change) until the wee hours of Sunday morning. When he is here, he's sleeping off a hang-over.

I'm sorry, that is excessive, and it does make me angry. I'm not going to pretend I'm okay with it. And it's not like I'm some super *itch waiting by the door with a frying pan. I actually had my hopes up, and was excited to see him come home, until I found out that, despite his promises, this weekend was exactly like every other one.

He has small children, who don't ever see him. I'm currently required to schedule at least a week in advance if I want him to spend time with them. And the last time he took our daughter alone, I found out he put a movie in on repeat, and then passed out with a hangover until noon. So from 8-noon, her quality time with daddy consisted of being curled up on the couch with him sleeping off a binge. Watching the same movie over and over. Fond memories right there....
I'm actually glad h's friend was here that weekend, b/c HE was the one who got dd breakfast, and made sure she didn't get into anything.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to get all worked up, it's just very frustrating. I don't understand why he thinks it's okay to ignore his family. I can't fathom NOT wanting to spend time with my kids.
It's like he thinks that going to work on a regular basis is enough to excuse him from actually being a parent/partner.
I don't get it.

 

[Hey Mama!]

Well, honestly your user name is very telling. I think your dh does not really want to be a husband and father, he still wants to be a party boy and do whatever he wants. I wouldn't be able to put up with it and I'd probably leave or kick him out. And, keeping a journal is a good idea, because if it comes to fighting over custody you have proof that he doesn't take his responsibility as a parent seriously.

 

[fek&fuzz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hey Mama! Well, honestly your user name is very telling. I think your dh does not really want to be a husband and father, he still wants to be a party boy and do whatever he wants. I wouldn't be able to put up with it and I'd probably leave or kick him out. And, keeping a journal is a good idea, because if it comes to fighting over custody you have proof that he doesn't take his responsibility as a parent seriously.

Sadly, that is what it sounds like. And, OP, I agree from your last post that it sounds like you've done what you can do. Has he always been like this or did it change with the first child? the second child?

 

[JustVanessa]

If that was happening to me, I would start making an exit plan I think, because there is no way I would put up with it.

 

[PikkuMyy]

That's wonderful that you controlled your reaction! I imagine it was very hard but it's still important to do when an angry reaction will just make the situation worse.

The hangovers you mentioned change the situation, too. Sounds like he's an alcoholic and of course that adds a BIG component to the family/relationship dynamics that makes everything worse. nothing is going to change, IME, unless the alcoholism is brought under control.

s!