[Ravin]

I am a full time student. I have arranged my Spring schedule with all MWF classes. This will make for long days, especially MW, but we'll only have to commute 3 days a week instead of 5.

Ideally, this would leave plenty of time the other 4 days of the week for DD and I to spend time together, go out and do things like go to the park or playgroups, etc. But the reality is that I'll have homework to get done and it's hard to do it and take care of her at the same time.

I feel bad for ignoring her while I try to get things done, and often she'll try to get me to close my book or she'll try to take away my pen, to make me stop studying and pay attention to her!

My roommate suggested I might get more done and have more time to enjoy with her if I take her to daycare on Tuesday and Thursday and get studying and homework done while she's there. But I feel like a jerk for putting her in daycare as much as I do already, even though I know that as long as she's got the other kids there to play with, she's happy with the situation.

So how do I balance doing the things I need to do with DD's need for attention? I'm always willing to nurse her, but it's getting to the point that she frequently doesn't even want to let me read while I do so, she apparently just needs me to focus on her, which frankly results in me being bored out of my skull (or falling asleep) if we're nursing, and feeling guilty or worrying that I'm not getting studying or housework done if I actually get down and play with her.

 

[dharmamama]

I'm not sure exactly what you're asking, but is it possible for you to do your homework in the evenings after your dd has gone to bed?

I will say straight out that I don't think that people can have quality time if it's not quantity. I don't mean to offend those who work, because I am sure they are fine parents, but I just don't buy the line that those whose parents spend small amounts of "quality" time with them are as well off as those whose parents spend large amounts of regular time with them.

That said, I don't think you should put your daughter in daycare on days you're not at school. Personally, I think she needs to time with you. Or, maybe you could have a mother's helper come in for 2 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that you can study but your daughter can be in the comfort of her own home.

HTH!

Namaste!

 

[Dragonfly]

I'm a student, as well, and have found that the only way I've been able to keep school from adversely impacting my relationship with my son is to totally let it go while we're together. He's with me all day, I go to class in the evenings, and I study after he goes to sleep and on the one day a weekend that I get all to myself. I also leave for class a little early and take advantage of the time before to study some more.

If you feel like you can work something like that out without putting your daughter in daycare and getting adequate study time, then that's great. If not, then definitely either consider putting her in daycare on those days (as long as she's happy there, of course) or hiring a mother's helper to come in while you go out for a few hours and study.

Ideally, you'd have both quality and quantity time. You're definitely not getting quality when you're spending your time with her trying to focus on something else while she vies for your attention. But cutting back on quantity too much can make the times you are together more difficult (at least that's what I've found) because your child's "mom" tank really needs a lot of filling and that can be draining and frustrating, which can affect your ability to have quality interactions.

Anyway... balance is the key.

 

[mtm]

I think expecting the four days you are not in classes to be quality time with your son is unrealistic. You will have homework, essays or labs etc to work on unless you have a lot of free chunks in the daytime MWF. I'd try and take advantage of any downtime, naps, when SO is home, and carve that out as study time so when ds is up, its quality time but i know how hard that is.

 

[kofduke]

Where does she go when you are at class? Is her daycare on campus or close to your home?

Personally, if she is accustomed to a DC close to home, and enjoys it there, I probably would pick either Tuesday or Thursday, and have her go there so I had one day just to focus on schoolwork; and that way have the other day to totally focus on DC. If you're not busy that day, great - pick her up early. But, at least to me, it's unrealistic to expect to be able to do the quality of work expected in a college class during a one-hour afternoon naptime, or after DC goes to bed. You are investing time and money in your education for a reason - to make life better for yourself and your family. It is not selfish to make sure you get everything you can out of it.

 

[wednesday]

I think having your daughter attend daycare for part of the day on Tuesdays and Thursdays may be the best solution, so that you can get your schoolwork done and then truly focus on her when you are with her.

You didn't mention a partner, am I correct in assuming that you need to finish school in order to be able to provide for your daughter in the future? Are you a single parent?

I put myself through school before I became a parent, I can not *imagine* trying to be both a fulltime student and a mom. Being a student was more time-consuming and stressful than a fulltime job! Cut yourself some slack if you need to.

ETA: I totally agree with kofduke

 

[mamawanabe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dharmamama I will say straight out that I don't think that people can have quality time if it's not quantity. I don't mean to offend those who work, because I am sure they are fine parents, but I just don't buy the line that those whose parents spend small amounts of "quality" time with them are as well off as those whose parents spend large amounts of regular time with them.

My mom was a sahm and my dad woh. I spent about 1 18th the amount of time with my dad as with my mom. But it really was quantity vs. quality. I have exactly the same amount (quantity and vividness) of memories of my dad as of my mom though by rightful calculations I should have 18X the memories of my mom.

My mom was always reading or baking bread or gardening. My dad, when he was home for just a few hours a night (he worked A LOT), was focused on us.

To the OP: why not hire a mother's helper to afternoons a week. She could keep you baby company while you studied.

 

[dharmamama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamawanabe My mom was a sahm and my dad woh. I spent about 1 18th the amount of time with my dad as with my mom. But it really was quantity vs. quality. I have exactly the same amount (quantity and vividness) of memories of my dad as of my mom though by rightful calculations I should have 18X the memories of my mom.

You had a SAHM. You had a parent there all the time. There's a big difference, imho, between having a parent there all the time, even if they don't "focus" on you all the time (assuming that they are a good parent), and being in daycare, away from your parent/s all day, and trying to cram in your time with parents around the edges. That's why I used the phrase "regular" time. I am not the "party parent." My dh is that. I have a household to run, so I don't play with my kids all the time the way Daddy does when he's home. But I'm here WITH my kids, all day, every day.

I know it's not a politically correct sentiment, but I hold it anyway. And like I said, I don't think it makes working parents bad parents. I just don't think it's ideal for kids to be in full-time daycare.

Namaste!

 

[mamawanabe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dharmamama You had a SAHM. You had a parent there all the time. There's a big difference, imho, between having a parent there all the time, even if they don't "focus" on you all the time (assuming that they are a good parent), and being in daycare, away from your parent/s all day, and trying to cram in your time with parents around the edges. That's why I used the phrase "regular" time. I am not the "party parent." My dh is that. I have a household to run, so I don't play with my kids all the time the way Daddy does when he's home. But I'm here WITH my kids, all day, every day. I know it's not a politically correct sentiment, but I hold it anyway. And like I said, I don't think it makes working parents bad parents. I just don't think it's ideal for kids to be in full-time daycare. Namaste!

The question was whether quality time made up for quantity time, and the answer, in my experience, is yes. I have as many memories with of my work-aholic father who spent quality time with us as my sahm who spent quantity time with us. I knew/know my dad's morals and values as throughly as I knew/know my mom's (they are rather different values - one of thw reasons they are divorced now), I felt/feel as loved/cared for by my dad as my mom, and believe that they know me equally well.

This isn't a sahm/wohm debate, it is a question about quality vs quantity time. Should the OP spend a lot of time in the presense of her son but not focusing on him OR should she spend not as much time with him but be able to focus on him when she is with him. In my experience, both will get the job done if the job she wants to get done is 1) impart her value system, 2) let him know he is loved/cared for, and 3) know well the little human he is.

Also, and this doesn't pertain to anything except my distaste for prescribed (and thus circumscribed) parenting/gender roles, my dad was not a "party parent." He didn't just play with us in the two hours or less he had a night with us. He fully engaged with us intellectually and emotionally.