Mothering Forum banner

1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I am currently unexpectedly expecting my 4th and my partners 1st.<br>
When I first announced the pregnancy he hung up on me and dissappeared for the weekend. Then he spent 2 months freaking right out. Hes finally come to terms with the baby, but has shown absolutely no interest in the pregnancy at all, or reading up on it, or my midwife apointments, hearing the heartbeat, or helping out financially to buy baby stuff.<br>
My ex was totally uninvolved in my previous pregnancies as well and Im wondering if this is just a guy thing, and if its unreasonable for me to expect that a man would be excited about a pregnancy, or show intrest, or take any initiative to prepare for something so big.<br><br>
What kind of things did your partner do, if any?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,584 Posts
Our pregnancies were both planned and both very much at Dh's urging. However, he spent a good deal of the early months of both of them freaking out just for the heck of it. Not anything like what you describe, but he got moody and didn't want to talk and when questioned would say things like, "there is just so much going on" or "now we have a new baby coming that we have to worry about". For Ds's pregnancy he came to the appointment to hear the heartbeat, but wasn't too enthused about it. It was mostly at my urging. He was very nervous about everything like that. He read one book before the baby was born because I made him. It is a really short book by Dr. Sears that talks about what to do with baby in the first 3 months. He never had any interest in reading anything else. For this pregnancy, he was not excited about hearing the heartbeat, and we haven't been able to hear it (with the fetalscope) so him and Ds keep coming to my appointments in the hopes of hearing it, but Dh is mostly doing this for Ds. We had an ultrasound early on and he kind of said he didn't need to come because he already did that with Ds. I insisted and he came and I think he appreciated it. He felt the baby move once, and he gets impatient waiting, so is not that excited about that. He is happy about the pregnancy, he likes talking about the name and telling Ds how he can teach the baby new things. He talks about having a new baby around and is excited about it. He is going to go to childbirth classes with me, though I could tell he wasn't that enthused about that. I think he is looking forward to it, but he just doesn't care too much about looking at baby clothes with me, or hearing the heartbeat, or feeling the baby move, etc. He is affectionate with me and hugs me and feels my stomach and talks to the baby a bit though. He does things in his own way, and not the things that I do to prepare, and that is okay with me. This time I know what kind of a Dad he will be and I'm not one to get overly involved in the pregnancy anyway, so it really doesn't matter to me how much or how little involvement he wants to have. My one recommendation would be to hire a doula that you are both comfortable with for the birth. You probably shouldn't expect him to jump in and suddenly be supportive, and a good doula can take the pressure off of him while showing him how to be supportive of you. DH loved having a doula and he recommends it to everyone. You might also want to have a postpartum doula on file in case you need it if you think your partner may not be supportive at that point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
My Dh isn't the type that would read up on pregnancy or care about which stuff we buy except to say the cheaper the better. What did help was that we took the Bradley Childbirth class together. It really helped prepare him for what to expect during labor and delivery. It got him really excited about natural childbirth and being supportive of me during labor. I think he also found it pretty cool when he could actually feel the baby kick. My son used to kick like crazy at night when I was sleeping and DH enjoyed feeling that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,900 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
My DH was freaked out at first when we discovered we were pg for the first time. (Okay, and NOT just for the first one! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">) But, I have fond memories of us spending time together wondering about what it would be like to have a real baby of our own. As the baby grew, he played guitar for the baby and even wrote and recorded a song for him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> He read books to him, talked to him, etc., and when our son was born, he knew his daddy's voice.<br><br>
I definitely encouraged him in some of these things, and as we got into future pregnancies he didn't do as much - we were just busier. But I think working at that early connection is very beneficial in the long run.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
959 Posts
When I was pregnant the first time, I used to get upset that DH didn't seem as "into it" as I was. Then, one day, he sat me down and explained to me that moms feel like "moms" right away- we experience pregnancy every day, we feel the baby move, we may be sick, etc. Things are very real for us very quickly. Many men, however, don't really feel like "dads" until they hold their babies for the first time. It's hard for them to understand exactly what's going on and how we feel because they are sort of on the outside, for lack of a better term. It's more vague to them and harder to grasp.<br><br>
...my DH got to deliver DD (turned her shoulders and everything)- and is an amazing father. But, again, he says he didn't really feel like a dad (and get really into it) until she got here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,143 Posts
Apart from looking after me when I had morning sickness for 15ish weeks my DH and I have done the following together<br><br>
- midwife appointments when he wasn't working (probably about half of them). I told him I was fine with him not coming, he would have rearranged work if it was important to me<br><br>
- 20 week USS (we only had one)<br><br>
- most of the baby shopping. I have made a few small purchases on my own, mostly impulse buys <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
- attended an active birthing class and had a tour of the birth suite<br><br>
- worked through my "things to do before baby arrives" list<br><br><br>
DH has also read Ina May's Guide to Child Birth, asked questions and made sure he is comfortable with all aspects of our birth plan (I wrote it). He asks how the baby is going at least once a day and, most nights will put his hand on my stomach in bed to feel her move. He also listens to the heartbeat with a stethoscope whenever I do (not that often).<br><br>
Last week he finished work early to go to birth suite with me for a CTG when I was worried about decreased movement. I said he didn't need to and he said "Of course I do!"<br><br>
I am more than happy with his level of involvement. I don't know whether it is a personality thing or what but OP, I personally don't think it is unreasonable to expect some support. Your partner may not feel the same level of connection with the baby that you do but IMO it is as much, if not more, about supporting your partner than connecting with the baby. And none of the things my DH has done require connection with the baby, they all require connection with, and respect for, me.<br><br>
Would it be possible to work out what you want from him in concrete terms ie not just "be supportive" but "attend appointments" "come shopping" etc and talk to him about it? Maybe he just doesn't know what to do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
181 Posts
This baby was wanted by both of us, but we reacted very different when we finally got lucky. DH seems to be in shock at times. He doesn't talk to me as much and spends even more time playing video games or walking around with headphones and music. I feel sad when I finish being sick in the bathroom and then step out and see him staring at the television. I wish he would check on me, or bring me a glass of water or something.<br><br>
He is also giving me a hard time about getting bigger. He makes comments throughout the day about how much I'm eating and that I better workout my arms and legs, etc. Today he said that most moms are in their twenties and that I should try to look as good as them (I'm 35 next month).<br><br>
He did attend my doctor appointments and gets excited about seeing the ultrasounds.<br><br>
I would prefer if he was a little nicer, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it. The lonely feelings are hard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,888 Posts
With my first, dp was at EVERY appt. He planned a baby shower.. but really his major involvement was after the baby was born (changing diapers, burping, etc).. we are on our 5th together.. at this point, he hasn't gone with me to appts (except one midwife appt and the ultrasound which he insisted on being there for).. but he has picked out a lot of baby things and painted the nursery, and pulled the dressers to the second floor for me. He tried to help me pick out a stroller, but I didn't care for the one he preferred, and went with another.. he helped me decide on a budget for the nursery..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,888 Posts
Oh, dp watched some water birth dvds with me.. this time around.. but only went to childbirth classes with me the with our first child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
559 Posts
My DH is reasonably uninterested, we're just reaching the point where the kicks can occasionally be felt from the outside, and it does make me a little sad that he's not really keen to feel them. But that said, while he doesn't want to get into the pregnancy stuff, he's been very overprotective and caring with me going through the pregnancy - eg offering to do things, saying "I can't let my pregnant wife do ....", so I do know he cares. I think guys do have a different way of showing their emotions, and don't connect with the baby till it comes out, but that doesn't mean he can be lax on supporting you through this time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,005 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ein328</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15357735"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When I was pregnant the first time, I used to get upset that DH didn't seem as "into it" as I was. Then, one day, he sat me down and explained to me that moms feel like "moms" right away- we experience pregnancy every day, we feel the baby move, we may be sick, etc. Things are very real for us very quickly. Many men, however, don't really feel like "dads" until they hold their babies for the first time. It's hard for them to understand exactly what's going on and how we feel because they are sort of on the outside, for lack of a better term. It's more vague to them and harder to grasp.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
This makes a lot of sense... its easy to just get wrapped up in the pregnancy emotional rollercoaster and not realize these things... Im hoping our 20 week ultrasound will help make it more real for him and I think the homebirth will as well. I keep forgetting that hes never been around babies or kids in his whole life other than mine and also its a bit scary for the both of us as we were only dating for 2 months when I got pregnant.<br>
I wish I could think of more ways to help him feel involved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
417 Posts
With our first we got pregnant my first cycle that we stopped preventing on. We were both shocked, nervous, excited...but ultimately, happy.<br><br>
DH was pretty thrilled and I think he's really involved in my pregnancies compared to many. He had an uncanny sense of DS' gender the first go around. He also seems to get pretty attached to the baby before the birth or anything.<br><br>
Our second BFP came in the midst of a marital crises we were dealing with at the time. Both of us were stressed and distracted but once we took a month and found some marital peace and began to connect again, we were both joyful about the new baby.<br><br>
He seems really connected to this baby like he was with the first. Almost more so this time and I'm thinking maybe because he knows what to expect and he knows how much our DS1 has added to our life so he's excited for another one.<br><br>
BUT he's not really super into feeling the baby kick. He will if I tell him to come feel how active baby is or something but generally we don't sit around with him feeling my belly for periods of time. He's just not into it.<br>
It seems we experience our joy/anticipation differently and sometimes it makes me feel like he's not involved or emotionally invested but I think he just expresses it differently.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,476 Posts
Maybe it will just take some more time for your DP to catch up to you in terms of acceptance, excitement, and knowing what to do and how to react. Seeing the baby on the ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, feeling kicks- all or just one of these things may kick start his interest and emotional investment. Also- maybe you can find an "angle" that will interest your DP- is he into books, toys, sports, outdoor activities etc? Try to talk to him about how much fun it will be for him to teach baby about these things, or how cool it will be to share these activities with baby. My dh used to be an amateur boxer and likes to run in marathons- he likes to think about how he can teach our kid about that stuff.<br><br>
My DH has been exceptionally interested, excited and involved from the second I told him we were expecting and I'm so thankful for that- I can't imagine going through this pregnancy any other way. He has been there for every appointment, ultrasound, test etc. And still gets teary hearing the heartbeat on the doppler at my appointments- a few days after the ultrasound or after hearing the heartbeat, I can tell the baby is more "real" to him than at other times.<br>
He also plays his guitar and sings for the baby, reads to it and really wants the baby to know his voice when it gets here. He's read almost all the pregnancy/birth/baby stuff I have. The only thing he ISN'T so interested in is baby CLOTHES <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">. That's probably my fault though- I think I said "Look how CUTE this is!" too many times. And he's not a very tolerant shopper anyway. He does like picking out baby toys and books...but he tends to like/buy stuff that the baby won't be ready for or use for another couple years.<br><br>
Everybody is different...his reaction and involvement doesn't necessarily reflect on how involved he will be as a dad. But if it's something that you need and that is important to YOU, it's worth talking to him and trying to get him on board.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,037 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ein328</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15357735"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Many men, however, don't really feel like "dads" until they hold their babies for the first time. It's hard for them to understand exactly what's going on and how we feel because they are sort of on the outside, for lack of a better term. It's more vague to them and harder to grasp.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Yup. I think this is explains why we moms are so much more "into" the baby, birth, and pregnancy and the dads seem to be content to let us more or less take care of it.<br><br>
My DH is excited and helpful but I can't help wishing he'd care more! I go talk to my pregnant sister about things I think he doesn't care about that matter a lot to me<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
786 Posts
Our first was a planned pregnancy. My husband was reasonably interested in the pregnancy but I wouldn't say he was super "excited."<br><br>
He hurried up the final stages of his divorce so that we could be married (and have the same legal name) before my EDD... does that count? He tried really hard to make sure that he had 2 solid weeks of paternity leave, which didn't actually happen because his job sucked, but he tried. He agreed to move to a new house because I abruptly felt that our current one wasn't "appropriate" (crazy pregnancy hormones, although it did lack A/C).<br><br>
He didn't read a single book or attend any of my OB appointments other than the 18 week ultrasound. We didn't attend childbirth preparation classes because his work schedule was too crazy. He left all of the major baby purchases to me as well. Um, he did arrange a tour of the birth center for me and attempted to ensure that a natural birth friendly nurse would be working when I went into labor... that didn't happen either but he was an amazing birth advocate. Oh, he did research all of the journal articles on Cytotec and the various methods of induction so that we would be prepared to refuse them. And he did research one medication I was taking that my OBGYN viewed as "safe," which turned out not to be (in our opinions at least) and he supported me in quitting it. Did I mention that he was really great at the birth despite not reading any of my pregnancy/childbirth books?<br><br>
He's actually been more helpful this pregnancy because he has a better job and is able to do a lot of the housework and childcare of our 2 year old. He's even less interested in the pregnancy itself though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,794 Posts
I don't know... I mean, I understand that men are less interested in pregnancies, and that babies are less real to them until the baby is actually born, but in the OP's circumstance it seems a little more extreme. Leaving? 2 months of flipping out? Not financially helping out? No interest or appointments? That would hurt a lot if dh took that kind of attitude. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">, OP. I hope you're doing okay.
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Top