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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a question.My dh and I have been together for over 4 1/2 years.He never had much of a family that ever cared about what he did and when.So I have used that excuse for him for the last few years,but it is past old.He goes out and doesn't bother to call me and let me know that he'll be late.Now he is just late by nature and I make an hour or so space from what he said and when I start to wonder/get angry.I'm not talking a couple of hours here.I'm talking he says 6p.m. it ends up being 11p.m.<br>
Sometimes in the early morning or the next morning.I can't take this anymore.We have had numerous talks about this and that is all it has been, talk.I'm sick of feeling like he doesn't care.That he thinks that he should be allowed to go and come back when he feels like and then whine about not having dinner when he comes home.(I've been putting my foot down lately and refusing to reheat cook another meal anything.)<br>
All of my friends instantly think cheating and sometimes I wonder even though until recently I never even thought about the possiblilty.We had a very serious talk about cheating(My dad had an affair when I was 17.)and I said if you want someone else just leave.Now I wonder if he actually is.Except for the not coming home and the total lack of caring how I feel I see no other signs.<br>
Anyway I need some imput and some advice on what to do.<br>
I've been working on making new friends and just having my own life.<br>
Sonya
 

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I used to have a boyfriend like that. He just didn't get it!<br><br>
Have you tried counseling? Sometimes they just need to hear from someone on the outside that they're being unrealistic.<br><br>
I'm sorry you're going through this.
 

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bs"d<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Did he deny the cheating? Just curious if his reaction gave you any feeling about whether he is faithful or not. Does he tell you here he is going? Is he "with friends" or at a bar? You are young (not a slam, I am, too, 24 yo), how is he with the kids? Does he feel like he need to go out and be wild after being a responsible father? Sorry for the 20 questions. I'm just wondering what is motivating his behavior. Maybe you could get a babysitter or have a relative stay over and go out together. If he needs to get something out, maybe you can do it together away from home sometimes.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hi,<br>
First I'll answer the questions.I have only asked him about the cheating once and he denied it.I was inclined to believe him at the time.He sometimes tells me where he is going,that is another part of it.He doesn't think that he should "have" to tell me everything or "forgets".He doesn't do the bars anymore since we have been together.He is mostly suppose to be out with "freinds" or something lik that.How is he with the kids?Awful.He spends maybe an hour of time a week with them.My 18 year-old brother knows more about my kids habits,likes and dislikes than dh does and my brother only comes and watching them a couple of weekends a month so that I can get extra things done around the house and do needed errands.His few of being responsible is paying the bills and while I agree that is a big part of his job as a husband and a father there is a lot more to it.He can't just go off and do what ever after the bills payed leaving me to wonder when he will be home or if he is in a ditch somewhere.<br><br>
Now,for the update.We just had a huge blowout and he got very angry and said that he was going to "file the needed papers Monday".That how could I get mad at him after he has been out all day working and providing.(He came home once again after midnight and there isn't work that he could do after stores close.)His friend has has been calling none stop the last 20 minutes.<br>
So I quess I won't have to wonder where he is anymore.<br>
Sonya
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by sonya_mamafor4</i><br><b>I'm talking he says 6p.m. it ends up being 11p.m.<br>
Sometimes in the early morning or the next morning.I can't take this anymore.</b></td>
</tr></table></div>
I hate to say it, but I would also suspect cheating. Where else would he go that he would stay out all night like that?<br><br>
I agree with the others...... counseling would be a very good idea.
 

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I wouldn't necessarily suspect cheating. I think that it could be an issue with trust. It's possible ( I don't know him or you so just a guess) that the real issue is that he is afraid of getting close to someone and getting hurt. I'd look for clues from his past. Many people that are afraid of getting hurt, or afraid of their feelings act in ways that seem like they don't care. I agree, counseling is a good idea. But, I wouldn't expect an overnight miracle from it, especially if he has communication problems. Lots of people aren't really able to say what the true issue is and blame it on other things that are "safer".
 

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When dh and I first got together, he would do things like that. Not quite so extreme, but he would be late, not call when he said he would, things like that. We finally sat down and I explained I wasn't checking in on him, I didn't have a problem if he wanted to go out without me, but if we made plans, he needed to keep them or call to let me know. It wasn't a possessive thing, it was a respect thing. I wouldn't blow off one of my friends or be more than a few minutes late without calling, a couple shouldn't do that either. He was much better after that- he got over the feeling I was keeping him on a short leash (an ex of his had done that) and accepted that I just wanted to be treated fairly.<br><br>
If he's serious about filing papers, though, I would suspect cheating more. A friend of mine once said that men don't leave unless they have something (or someone) else to leave to. I don't agree that's true in all cases, but it is in a lot of them.
 

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My friend's ex was like this. She had just had a baby and he was always off doing soemthing with/for friends and family. It boiled down to him just not wanting commitment, not wanting to be a part of an immediate family unit in which he was beholden to others. He was older too, like 30; we couldn't even blame it on youth. He wasn't partying or cheating, he was just not available to her or the baby for anything more than rent and food.<br><br>
So my friend moved on. Sad now that he really wants her back, cries all the time, and it is really too late. (Of course, I suspect that his I-am-an-atonomous-being behavior would be back if he had her back. They broke up several time over this, and every time after promising to change, it was the same old thing.)<br><br>
I don't know if you've made up after the filing papers fight. But I do think that you need to start thinking about protecting yourself emotionally. Get counseling. Start to think of yourself as an atonomous being. I'm not saying he won't see the light, but it might be that, like my friend's ex, he just isn't a family man, and you need to decide what you can live with and what you can't (personally I couldn't live with this; but others might be able to).
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
hi,<br>
I'll try to remember what everyone wrote things are real crazy right now.I have told him that I see coming home when he says or calling to let me know that he wasn't as a matter of common courtesy and respect.This talk happened to be right after he was fussing about how bad it looked having to cancel twice on his friends.(Because he supposedly "forgot" about something we had to do.)He was saying that it would look bad and lots of other stuff.I told him that I agreed that it was bad to cancel yet why then did he have no problem doing it to me on a regular basis.He didn't like that. He is also constantly complaining that we have "lost our youth" and that we never get to go out and do anything, which by the way is not true. We just don't dump our kids on our parents every weekend like everybody our age with kids that he knows.Which is confusing to me because he was so mature when I meet him,he had things together and knew exactly what he was doing and where he was gone.That is one of the reasons I fell in love with him.All of that is gone. He puts things off,avoids any conflict(which i understand is just a guy thing,but as the man of the house it is sometimes needed for him to actually deal with things.)Like I said things just seemed to take a turn for the worse after the twins were born and no matter how much he talks nothing happens.<br>
We if you haven't already guessed have not made up.We haven't even spoken.He stayed while my brothers were here and left as soon as they did.I don't think that I'll be seeing him soon.<br>
I do know that I can't take the emotional yo-yo.He needs to make up his mind about what he wants and then tell me.He can't have it both ways.<br>
Right now I'm wondering how I'm suppose to support my kids.I have no money and I don't see a job happening.I'm left with no car(we only have one at the time)All the bills are due.What am I suppose to do?How am I suppose to do this?I need to stay home with my kids so how am I suppose to earn a living?<br>
I'll go now I know that this is really long.<br>
Sonya
 

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Judging from your last post, I would suspect cheating. If he's going to file for a divorce, let him and then take him to the cleaners. Just mnsho, sorry if it's harsh.<br><br>
My dh did stuff like this after we had our first child, somewhat after we had our second but NEVER after we had our third and fourth. he didn't want to grow up, had been controlled most of his life by his parents (although not excessively imo) then toured with the Dead for many years. It was hard for him to give up his pick-up-and-go-off habits, but for the sake of me and the kids he did. And you know what? He appreciates that I emphasized how important it was (is) that he keep in touch with me and let me know where he is. I mean, what if something happened to me or one of the kids? how would I get in touch with him if I didn't know where he was?<br><br>
I suggest you go get yourself into some counseling. You need to get your head on straight about this guy before anything else happens. The fact that your brother knows more about your kids than your husband speaks volumes to me. He has some serious issues, issues you cannot fix. So work on yourself, mama. Do it for your kids.<br><br>
{{{{{sonya_mamafor4}}}}}
 

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ok, we just posted at the same time.<br><br>
how are you going to support yourself? well, for one thing, you get child support. then you ask for alimony. get yourself a good lawyer, and make sure you get the house. I am so sorry you are going throught this. I watched my mom deal with the same thing. Be strong. Your twins are 1yo now, and if you have to go back to work, it will be easier than if they were, say, 4mo, kwim?<br><br>
gawd, I just want to kick your husband in the head right now. Lots of love to you, sweetie. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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You've gotten great responses so far, I just wanted to offer you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><br><br>
Does his irresponsibility carry over to financial items? If you haven't already done so, you might want to open a credit card in your name only and charge a little each month, but only what you can pay off in total. This way you are starting to build some credit history of your own and if you absolutley HAD to (after all other avenues were exhausted) you could pay the basics (food & rent) until he came to his senses. Not a plesant thought, but a step that might come in handy down the road.<br><br>
We're thinking of you mama - you're doing what you need to do both for yourself and your children.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hi,<br>
As sunmountin mentioned I have the same issues about him not calling.What if something happened to me or the kids?I can't try tracking him down.One of my family memebers said,"well,if somebody gets hurt and he is acting this way call an ambulance to take you to the hospital and let him pay the bill."Which is actually what I would end up having to do.what if something happened to him?I'd never know it I'd think he was out goofing off.<br>
He can be iresponsible about the money.When we got our tax return within two months it was all gone and half of it was unaccounted for.I kept asking him what happened that was a lot of money.He says he doesn't know and he does have the tendency to spend money and won't have a clue what he bought because it was on things that can't be seen once it is all said and done with.I was pretty upset about that,that was suppose to be a new washer and dryer for me(I only have a dryer and that can take to long to dry thngs which of course runs up the bill),plus a freezer and things for the house.I think that this mostly happens when he gets tired of never having any money to spend,it seems to happen 4-6 times a year.The spending of the tax money was the worst ever though and money that we happened to really need.<br>
We still haven't spoken and I'm just trying to take care of the kids and go about our lives.I do know that I sleep O.K.last night instead of waking up half a dozen times because I knew that he wasn't going to come home.I'll talk to all of you later thank you for all of the great support.<br>
Sonya
 

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sonya...first<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> ...next time to find a good family law attorney.<br><br>
I work in a law office that handles family law, so I have some experience with people who are confronting something that they never thought that they would have to. If he has said that he is going to file papers, and more importantly if you think that papers should be filed, don't wait for your summons and petition for dissolution to arrive. Start looking for an attorney now! Perhaps you should file before he does. I couldn't really tell by looking at your posts how you are handling the " filing of papers " that he mentioned, whether you were devastated or perhaps a little relieved. Of course, you're scared, I know I'd be terrified. The fact that you have your kids and they need to be provided for tells me that if you're okay with getting a divorce you need to have someone who can represent you and your kids best interests. I know that coming up with a retainer for a good lawyer can be difficult, but maybe your brother and family can help out.<br><br>
I hope that you can work this out. Be as strong as you can for you and your kids, and if you do decide to work it out, be ready to compromise some things, but don't take any bull from him.<br><br>
Again<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> 's
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Hi,<br>
I'm upset about the possibility of divorce,but I don't know about devestated(sp?)But I know also that I'm most certainly not relieved.I don't want a divorce(even though I think that a seperation is much needed),but if he is unwilling to be around when he is needed and the only way I can move on is to do this then I guess it has to be.I can't take where I'm at now.Right now that is all I know and worrying about supporting my kids.<br>
I talked to my dad and upset would be putting it miildly for his reaction.He has always said that dh was smart and a "good kid". He has assured me about making arrangements to where he can afford for me to keep living here(he is still making mortage(sp?) payments)so I don't have to worry about a home.I just need to be able to pay the rest of the bills and provide groceries.<br>
Getting a job is a bit of a worry,I have no tranportation,haven't worked in about 4 years.I also hate the thought of putting the kids in a daycare type setting,ideally I'd love to work at home and that would take care of the transportation and daycare problem it is just a matter of finding something.<br>
I got to go,I want to thank all of you for all of the advice and wonderful support.<br>
Sonya
 

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sonya,<br>
sending you hugs. I'm sorry you are going through all this.<br><br>
I also wanted to say that I too would be very suspicious of his inability to have a proper accounting of ...where the money went from the tax return....where he is in the evenings....what he is doing in general, .arggh... your man sounds like he may be having an affair and if he is not, he certainly out the door emotionally.<br><br>
I'd check his cellphone bill and take a look at those numbers...and look at charge card bills or if he uses his atm card and take alook at where it is going...<br><br>
but I think you need some counseling for yourself and an attorney. I don't say that you should leave your man because of an affair, but if he is denying it, you should do some work to get to that truth and then ideally confront him and then work on the relationship from that point...<br><br>
although my friend's husband still denied it even when a private detective took photos... eventually he coughed up the truth. But by then, my friend was out of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Well,he doesn't have a cell phone(even though I found out that he had bought a cell phone and ended up taking it back because we were really tight on money the disturbing thing is that he didn't tell me about it.)We thankfully don't have any credit cards only an ATM card and I can get to our account online and see what has been taken out and where.I haven't see anything other than that cell phone purchase and than the money being put back in.<br>
He told me a couple of weeks ago that he didn't feel like we had been close since the birth of our first son(That was three years ago!)I didn't think that our problems had started that early and considering the fact that we didn't even actually get married until a year later.I asked him then why in the world did you marry me?!<br>
I just know that things seem to have gotten really bad after the twins were born and part of me wonders what is wrong with him that the birth of two sons can cause him to act like this.Most men would love to have only sons.<br>
My dad thinks that he sees his single friends and what they are doing and now regrets having responsiblilties.Which is also the way it seems to me(whether someone else is in this mix I don't know.)That he wishes he could have his single life back and doesn't want to spend his evenings at home.<br>
I'm looking into a lawyer and a counsler too.<br>
sonya
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I just wanted to add on the issue of an affair.I have made it clear to dh when I first moved in with him that I all I asked about him concerning this is that if he wanted to be with someone else to at least leave first and he has always assured me that if that ever happened he would.(My dad's affair and parents divorce was really upsetting for me and made even worse by the fact that dad should have just left instead of staying out of a sense of duty.)<br>
And that if I ever found out that he had cheated on me that would be it, no second chances, nothing.So if he is trying it which I do still doubt he probably won't ever admit to it unless caught red-handed.So yes,if cheating is the problem I will leave I don't think that I could ever trust him again.I'm having problems trusting him now and all he is doing is lying about time/not coming home and little things like that.I would deserve better than that and the kids deserve a dad who actually wants to spend time with them.Dh's idea of waching the kids is sitting them on the couch while he plays video games/watches tv in front of them and they aren't allowed to be loud at all.That is not spending time with your kids.<br>
sonya
 

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keep posting. you will get through this. this is the crazy-everything-is-up-in-the-air part, but it will be over soon and you will be able to move on. I can't say whether or not it should be with him, but in any case, that man sure needs a wake-up call. The fact that he hasn't figured out that growing up is joyful, that you leave the kid stuff behind because you get it back ten-fold, is really sad. I feel really sorry for anybody who can't look at how great they have it and be thankful, no matter what.<br><br>
can you focus on YOUR lessons in all of this? It might help you to focus on what is really important. Think about how you feel, angry, of course, so what does that anger stem from? Is it a memory of somrthing you have felt before and you are going "damn why is this happening again?" or is it more like "where the heck did THIS come from?" like you've been hit on the back of the head? It might be something else, but you can find a lot of wisdom in your lowest hour. I hope that helps. It has nothing to do with whether or not you deserve this, and everything to do with how you are going to react to it.<br><br>
You are strong. You are resourceful. Your children will not starve and you will not be unhappy forever. You can find exactly what you need.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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