[alexysmommy]

OKay, please dont flame me here, or tell me how awful my ex is...obviously i know that, and that is WHY he is my ex. But i really need help w/ how to handle this.<br><br>
I practice what i believe is GD, i try not to yell, i dont spank, i believe in giving my 2 year old choices...etc She is a very willfull high spirited (that is an understatement) little girl, and is always into something or trying to push her liimits. I find it very normal, and age appropriate, i just pick my battles with her so to speak, and have a VERY child proofed home.<br><br>
The problem is, ex has NO patience with her. He TELLS her to do something , once, and if she doesnt do it (and i dont blame her if someone talked to me the way he does, i wouldnt do it either) he starts yelling at her, on occasion swats her butt, it just seems like he is ALWAYS yelling at her. I cant stand it, it breaks my heart to hear him talking to her the way he does. I have tried sitting him down, and explaining some other ways to deal with her, but he just isnt getting it. Right now visits are supervised in my home 3 days a week, so it is easier...when i hear him starting to lose his temper with her, i pullher away into another room and distract her, and then quietly tell him this is not acceptable in my home..but soon he will be having unsupervised visits in his house, and i am really worried about this. I have talked to my lawyer about it, and basically he said there is nothing i can do about it because every parent has their right to discipline the way they see fit. I just dont know what to do about this...or how to come across to him so he really listens to me, i start to get SOO mad when he does this (and when he swats her i want to explode) what am i supposed to do about this????

 

[PlayaMama]

oh my gosh! you are in such a tough situation.<br><br>
is he in any way open to communication about it? is he willing to read books or websites? is he willing to change his behaviour if you convince him another way might be better?<br><br>
if he's not open to anything then i don't know what to do. but maybe some factual "doctor" type information about what is appropriate for her age group?<br><br>
it seems like he's not really enjoying his time with her if he ends up frustrated and yelling. is there anyway to reduce the stress? or sugest that if he's not enjoying the time then maybe he should visit for shorter times more often?<br><br>
i dunno what i would do. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">

 

[gaialice]

oops...

 

[gaialice]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alexysmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8430838"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">.but soon he will be having unsupervised visits in his house, and i am really worried about this.</div>
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how long will the visits be?<br>
how often?<br>
what you can try to do to persuade him is to tell him that because you will not parent your dd that way, then he runs a real risk that she will be resentful towards him, and that she will resist the visits. And while of course visits can be forced upon her, is this what he really wants? Or would he rather see her running towards him with open arms? You can tell him you know she's frustrating, but she's acting her age and she's acting the stress she's gone through with the separation. So he needs to try, to really try to be patient. Chances are - also - that the visits at his place are going to be better. Perhaps he feels nervous in supervised visits ...

 

[alexysmommy]

he is not nervous here, he acts like he is totally comfortable and still lives here. Goes through the fridge, makes himself quite at home.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: so i dont think that is it.<br><br>
I am going to sit him down and have a long talk with him, at least if i can get him to agree to not smack her i will be content with that since i dont really have a choice with all of this anyway. I know he loves her, and can be a good dad, he just doesnt have any patience with her at all. thanks mamas.

 

[alexysmommy]

oh, and visits will be every other weekend from sat to sund, and then the alternate weekends it will be sunday during the day. Also he gets one day during the week because i asked for it.

 

[Treasuremapper]

I think I would consider gettting a new lawyer. That answer sounds very weak to me. You are the client, and your lawyer should be pursuing your interest and the best interest of your child. Let your lawyer know that you are the client and you want a hearing on the issue before the judge.

 

[alexysmommy]

i have called several lawyers on this. They have all told me the same thing. Unless he beats her to the point he leaves bruises, there is nothing i can do about it. scary isnt it.

 

[Treasuremapper]

I believe you that the lawyers said it. I'm just wondering why they won't have a hearing on it before the judge? I've seen much smaller issues being raised to judges in divorce proceedings (like dads whining about breastfeeding or homeschooling) so why can't verbal abuse and hitting be an issue? If he had supervised visitation ordered, doesn't that indicate that the judge had some concern, or was that part of the agreement?<br><br>
I'm wondering if the dad might even prefer to continue to have supervised visits, if the visits can be made easier on him so he would want them. You know him better than I do, but what might make him want to have the visits supervised? He might say he won't hit her, but he clearly thinks that's OK so I would not be comfortable trusting him.<br><br>
How awful for you to have to go through this.