Mothering Forum banner

1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
141 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My good long time friend has a 21 mo. old boy and he is very aggressive. I'm not sure how to handle the situation when he hits my dd(23 mos). My dd looks at him like he's crazy and I don't think she understands why he would hit her. I console her and his mom tells him no hitting but he keeps doing it. Then what about when he always wants anything and everthing she's playing with. The thing is she seems ap , still breastfeeds at night and they coslept for a while. Is this typical toddler stuff even with ap families?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,045 Posts
Would this mom let her baby (yes, 21 months is a baby <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> ) lie on the floor crying if he were a girl? My guess is no, she would pick her up and show her the love she deserves. Her little boy deserves no different.<br><br>
As for him hitting your DD, maybe you could ask the mom if you could "discipline" her son when he hits your daughter? I know that would depend on how easy you feel asking requests of her. You can phrase it like, "I appreciate your trying to stop your son from hitting DD, but I read some ideas recently and would like to try one. Would you mind?"<br><br>
Just some ideas. Probably someone else on here will have some better thoughts. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
~Nay
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
711 Posts

SUNMAMA said:
Is this typical toddler stuff even with ap families?QUOTE]<br><br>
The type of behavior (hitting and not sharing) you're describing is not at all uncommon in a 21 month old, raised ap or not ap. Some children are easy going and some aren't. A 21 month old is just barely starting to learn about empathy, and he doesn't know or understand what he's doing is upsetting.<br><br>
I don't really have any advice about how to handle it with your friend and your daughter, but please don't think that your friend is not ap enough, and hence has an "agressive" child. More likely its a combination of the child's personality and age. He'll grow and learn.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
the most ap mama i know also has a pretty aggressive (and crazy smart, and in so many ways completely awesome) child. she mentioned that some other mamas won't let their kids play with hers anymore. i try to limit their get togethers to times when both kids are least likely to be tired. i use it as a learning experience -- my dd needs to learn to deal with this type of behavior, and so does my friend's more aggressive dd. my friend doesn't say "no" in the same way that I (and especially dh) do, so i try to respect that. i guess i don't have a lot of advice b/c we're still working on this (and dealing with our girl's new aggressive behavior too). i guess i would suggest just talking to your friend in a non-judgemental sort of way, perhaps asking what strategies you two can use together with both the kids. good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,440 Posts
If I were in that situation, I would likely limit the playdates with that child for a while. If the mom isn't going to step in, at least I can protect my kid from being hurt and bullied. We had a "friend" like this, and I always wondered what my kids would think if I kept inviting him over to bully them. KWIM?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,792 Posts
Sounds pretty typical to me, for that age. It's a phase that, while terribly trying, should pass as he learns empathy. In the meantime: redirect, redirect, redirect.<br><br>
Our nephew is a year older than our daughter and he's pretty agressive. Part of it's the age, part of it, for him, is that he isn't very socialized. At family gatherings and when my SIL and I get together, I keep an eagle-eye on the babies when they're within arm's reach. I try to have them play outside, because the extra running around room makes it easy to redirect him to something not within arm's reach of my daughter. (Having multiple soft, throwing balls around has worked well for us. "Go get the ball!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> Bubbles work well, too.) He still has a very hard time letting her play with toys, too, and seeing her get any attention, but as long as I can keep him from hurting her, I don't want to limit their time together too much because how else will he learn? It's one of the only times he ever gets to play with other children. (Even though limiting their play together is my first instinct.) Constant vigilence and redirection are the two main tools that are getting us through this phase.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,440 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>hhurd</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">A 21 month old can't "bully" anyone.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
A toddler can certainly bully another toddler. I've seen it. Some kids are more aggressive than others. When my children were toddlers, they were all very gentle people. They were many times the "victems" of other toddlers who would hit, push, bite and take toys away.<br>
If I continue to regularly invite a child over who comes over and is aggressive, and hurts my kid every time, I feel it's my duty to NOT put them in that situation on purpose if the mother of the child will not do anything to prevent it.<br>
Yeah, it is nice to help another child learn to be gentle, we've done that many 'o time too- I guess it depends on the kid and just how aggressive they are.Some kids are like that (and some parents who actually like their kids to be aggressive- they think it makes them strong and outgoing).<br>
Once the kids are a bit older, I let them make the decision. My daugther has a friend who had always been aggressive, and has hurt her many times. He also has some "issues" so we've always been a bit more tolerant of the behaviour, and she has always chosen to work with him and help him despite some pretty icky stuff they've gone through.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
711 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>cmb123</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">A toddler can certainly bully another toddler. I've seen it.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
I've seen agressive toddlers too. They are not bullies. A 21 month old does not have the presence of mind to deliberately torment another person in a way that could be described as bullying.<br><br>
"Bully" is a loaded term and it distresses me to see it applied to one so young.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,311 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>hhurd</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've seen agressive toddlers too. They are not bullies. A 21 month old does not have the presence of mind to deliberately torment another person in a way that could be described as bullying.<br><br>
"Bully" is a loaded term and it distresses me to see it applied to one so young.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
I agree...bullying is very deliberate behaviour...one person deliberately tormenting another person...while the behaviour a toddler has may be aggressive they are not "bullying" like school age kids do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,300 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>hhurd</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've seen agressive toddlers too. They are not bullies. A 21 month old does not have the presence of mind to deliberately torment another person in a way that could be described as bullying.<br><br>
"Bully" is a loaded term and it distresses me to see it applied to one so young.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree. From my years working in day care, I can tell you this is so common in toddlers, regardless of the parent's philosophy of parenting. Hitting and biting are common at this age because children have limited language skills. When they are upset by something, they can't verbalize it and tend to hit and bite. I can't tell you how much of this I have seen. In the vast majority of the children, once they acquire language skills, the hitting decreases and ultimately stops.<br><br>
Really the only thing you can do is sit right by them when they play. In this way, mommy can anticipate when dc will hit and intervene BEFORE the hitting occurs or as he raises a hand to hit. Stopping him in this way will teach him that hitting is not allowed. This is how we handled it in day care when a particular child had a hitting/biting issue. In fact, if they bit, I questioned the teachers about why it was allowed to happen. Mom will need to stick close until he outgrows the stage, and you may want to stick by your dd too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,440 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>hhurd</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've seen agressive toddlers too. They are not bullies. A 21 month old does not have the presence of mind to deliberately torment another person in a way that could be described as bullying.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Maybe, but try explaining that to the other toddler who is being hurt by them repeatedly. I'm sure it feels the same to them. Again,my point was, if this was happening over and over with one particular child, I would limit the playdates. 21month olds don't really need playdates anyway IMO, usually at that age, they are usually more for the parents social lives, not for the kids.
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top