[mama2mygirl]

This is a sort of spin off from another thread. I'm not sure if I'm actually supposed to do that but here goes nothing.<br>
The other thread was about a two-year-old who went through a biting phase. He'd stopped biting but the mama was having trouble with another mama viewing her kid as bad or as a bully. I'm strongly paraphrasing.<br>
I was totally shocked by a lot of people's responses. They called what the boy was doing "brutalizing" and violent and on and on. He is two and some two-year-olds bite.<br>
Mine didn't bite but sometimes she pushed. Sometimes she hits. Sometimes kids hit her. I thought a big part of gd was also reacting to other kids interactions with yours. Like, last month another three-year-old bit my three-year-old dd. I comforted my dd and I reassured the very upset mother that sometimes kids do that. If I had turned that kid into a bully and said she was a brutalizer, what would that have taught my dd? And what would be the point of making her feel like a bully? I think kids who get labeled bullies end up acting like bullies and why would I want to start something like that?<br>
What about the rest of you? When a child hits your child do you assume they're "bad." Do you yell at the kid? Grab them? Do you assume their parents aren't watching them enough?<br>
I thought a huge part of gd is that, unlike a whole lot of mainstreamers, we know what's developmentally appropriate. I don't mean, hey, let your two-year-old bite whoever. But realizing, oh, some kids go through this stage, let's encourage the mama to help her child lovingly out of it. Let's not make the mama feel like a failure and the toddler like a thug.<br>
I don't know. The thread made me really sad. There is so much of that in our little town. If you're two and you hit you get spanked or put in time out. They're no loving you through it.<br>
I did look and a lot of the posters who were appalled at the toddler's behaviour were pregnant or had little, little babies. The mothers who sympathized with the orignial poster often had toddlers and older kidlets and so had been through it.<br>
And I do remember being outraged when bigger kids would knock down my baby or push her at, say, the train table. That was when I could never imagine my own sweet baby hitting or pushing.<br>
Anyhow, what about all of you? How do you react when another little one hits/bites/pushes your dc?

 

[uberwench]

on the rare occasions he gets deliberately pushed or hit on the playground, my DS completely wigs out. Mostly, i take care of my DS. He has lots of questions about why someone would hit him or push him like that, and it takes some time to calm him down and say "sometimes people get frustratated and that's how they show it", or "he's having a bad day".<br><br>
That being said, there was an incident last month where DS's grandfather (my Dad, AKA "Captain Ed") was with him in the playground.<br><br>
DS came around the other side of the slide with a red cheek and deer-in-the-headlights look. He told Cap'n Ed that "a boy hit me", but wouldn't point out the boy. 2 minutes later the boy in question came up to my DS and <i>HIT HIM AGAIN</i>.<br>
My dad, being as protective of DS as I am, looked at the hitter in question and said "Hey! that was not nice, you HURT him".<br><br>
The hitter's mom came over, WHACKED her son hard on the arm, said SAY YOU'RE SORRY MISTER and said to my dad " he's always hitting his little sister too, we can't figure out why" and proceeds to yell at him and drag him away screaming.<br><br>
MY DS at this point has <i>covered his ears</i> and closed his eyes at this bizarre scene. My Dad was horrified - and when i heard the story i was horried as well. If i had been there, i would have certainly said the same thing to that boy, but i also might have said something to the mother...<br><br>
There are certainly different KINDS of toddler/kid hitting that goes on. Sometimes it's a case of "rowdy gone awry". Biting can be mean, but also a sign of frustration. So mostly, unless i'm fairly sure of a situation, i won't say anything, except to the "victim".

 

[rmzbm]

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<div style="font-style:italic;">The hitter's mom came over, WHACKED her son hard on the arm, said SAY YOU'RE SORRY MISTER and said to my dad " he's always hitting his little sister too, we can't figure out why" and proceeds to yell at him and drag him away screaming.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes"><br><br>
I can't <i>IMAGINE!</i>

 

[mbravebird]

I think, like a pp said, my reaction depends on the kind of hitting/conflict that is happening. I have been fine with moderating hitting from other toddlers (ds is not a hitter so far) by doing empathy-type things, including a limit about hitting, for both my son and the hitter. I think it's good for both kids to see a parent do that; it helps model empathic problem-solving. The biting friends we have we just watch very carefully; I ask the mom to do the same. I haven't even come close to thinking of our biting friend as having any kind of brutal or villanous nature. He's just a great kid who tends to bite when scared or frustrated.<br><br>
But recently we've encountered kids, often much older, who have much more of an element of violence, disconnectedness, or meanness in their behavior. They, too, are acting out from a confused place and deserve empathy, but it has become clear to me that it is important for ds that he see me set a much firmer limit with these kids -- that he see me protect him, so that he knows that he is to be protected, despite what the other kid is feeling or going through.<br><br>
I think what I'm trying to say is that when a child's "issues" reach the level of abusiveness to my child, then it stops being my job to cater to both parties. I have just realized this recently. If I can manage an empathic statement to the other kid (after the limit and the protective measures), then that's great for everyone, including my ds, but what's most important for him to see is that noone is to treat him like that, and that I will protect him in those situations, just like he will learn eventually to protect himself in those situations. I think it's important not to subvert that self-protective, boundary-aware mechanism in kids. Mine was subverted, and it didn't turn out all that well. Part of my healing is to let my son know that his boundaries are to be respected.<br><br>
It's rare that we run into those really violent kids, though. I'm glad about that. We more often run into just normal kinds of developmental tussling.

 

[mama2mygirl]

mbravebird--I liked the examples you chose. I think you're right that there is a difference between normal toddler aggression and the kind of older little kid violence you have to protect your less than two-year-old from.<br>
Thanks for responding to my thread!