[goodmomma76]

And her nephew is 2.5. Her nephew has spent a LOT of time with her and his grandmother, whom also spends a LOT of time with my BFF.<br><br>
Her nephew has had issues with hitting, throwing things at people, pushing, shoving, really just normal behavior from a 1.5-2 year old (his mom is neglectful and they are trying to get him from her, and now she has had another baby, which is more detail that we need here, but anyway...) But it was mostly directed at my friend's son. She redirected him and told him that hurt and removed her son from the room, and it has finally paid off. He has stopped hitting and pinching....<br><br>
The trouble? Now her son is terrified of his cousin. Every time he gets near him, he seems to expect to get hurt, so he screams and pinches, hits, shoves and runs away. She's doing the same thing again, redirecting, telling him that hurts, and he is ok, but her mother is yelling at him, blaming him and calling his a 'mean' kid and she better do something, and all of that nonsense. (It was a completely different reaction when it was the other way around, he was just neglected, in a bad situation, not his fault, etc.) Her son ONLY acts this way towards his cousin. He is very gentle with my baby. And I have seen him go up and hug other children, he is just afraid of his cousin.<br><br>
Any advice, would you handle it any differently?

 

[mamallama]

That's a really hard situation.<br><br>
Based on g'ma labelling BFF's 18mo as mean and whatnot, I would guess she doesn't have a strong grasp on what is appropriate toddler behavior. It's really hard for me to see a "mean" 18mo, y/k?<br><br>
Additionally, I bet g'ma is projecting a ton on the situation that isn't actually there. No doubt it grieves her tremendously to have to take steps to remove her grandchild from his mother's custody. No doubt her worry has also leaked over to her other grandchild--particularly if his mother is raising him in a model different from the one she used.<br><br>
If it were me, I would be spending less time with g'ma. Not cutting her out, not necessarily seeing her less often, but spending less time with her. Shorter visits. Timed during the 18mo's best hours (not right before naptime, not late in the day, whatever.) I would manufacture some emotional distance--even if it's only temporary.<br><br>
In situations like this, I sometimes play the doctor card. "Oh, his doctor said this is developmentally normal for his age and that I should xyz." Nevermind that I didn't bring up the (non) issue at the last well baby visit (which I didn't actually attend.) I have no problem with white lies when they smooth over situations that are too complicated to realistically address.<br><br>
I would also seek support from people who parent the way I do. A sanity check is a good thing.

 

[TopHat]

My daughter (19 months) reacts the same way to kids who have been mean to her. There's a 3 year old at a playgroup I go to who always takes toys from my DD or pushes her out of the rocking chair. Now whenever that 3 year old gets near my DD, she automatically gets really possessive about (screeches and clutches) whatever she's playing with or puts her hands in front of her as defense even if the 3 year old is just trying to get buy or play with another toy. That's completely normal. Who wants to be around someone who hasn't been nice to them in the past? I just limit the time DD is near that child. That's al you really can do.