[sunbaby]

dh has a chance to go to itally in july, all expenses paid. our baby will be about 10 weeks old. dh wants to go. i dont want him to go.
the circumstances are an old friend of the family is getting married there.

i feel like he is not really honoring the sacredness of the new baby and our new family structure by even suggesting going away for one to two weeks when our son will be so young.

i feel scared of how i will manage dd and new bay all alone. actually, i know i could do it, but i dont feel that i should have to.

i wish dh would have decided on his own, 'no way. i am not going.' but i am put in the difficult position of keeping him from something he wants to do, and risking being resented for it, or of trying not to resent it if he decides to go. i am feeling rather heartbroken.

 

[EllieB]

I would not feel thrilled about it. My dh travels for work a few times a year but we have a standing agreement that he will not travel during the first 4 months after we've had a baby and that when he does go he will make it as short as he possibly can. If it's for a wedding and he really can't miss it couldn't he only go for 2-3 days or so? Just fly in and attend and leave as soon afterward as possible?

 

[lillian]

wow. is there any way you could go with him? i would be a little irritated at my dh for going alone...

 

[HelloKitty]

I would be a little irritated too - I'm curious like lillian as to whether you could all go?

I would probably be apt to tell DH to go but only for a few days - absolutely no reason he needs to be gone for two weeks or even a whole week. Italy isn't that long of a plane trip...

Kitty

 

[valeria_vi]

one week tops. two weeks is to much to be absent for.
I agree with lillian - could you all go?

 

[dolfinluvr]

I will be in the same predicament too come June. We are expecting DD #2 in early May and my DH's cousin is getting married in Ottawa, Canada and we were totally planning on going before I got pg again. I can't see us traveling with a 1.5yr. old and a 1mo. old!

However, DH tells me a few weeks ago that HE still plans on going b/c it will be the first time that whole side of his family will be getting together....so I feel like I can't not let him go but at the same time what a HORRIBLE time to leave me with two little ones!!!

: That and I am kinda jealous b/c I really wanted to go too...

It's tough.

 

[crat19]

Gosh! That's a hard position to be in. I can understand both of you and your husband's points and unfortunately they are not in common. My dh and I will be looking into travelling together to europe a few months after dd is born, but that is our desire and choice. With ds, I personally found that it was very easy to travel with him when he was an infant with little needs other than food (bf exclusively worked really well for us as we didn't need any bottles/formula etc., but that is one's own personal choice), diaper changes and slingin with me or dh. So it is actually possible and reasonable to travel with a newborn under the right circumstances.

Maybe you both can wait to decide whether both of you are comfortable leaving home, either ur dh alone or all of you together, until after the baby is born. I think that is a reasonable request to ask of your dh, especially since it is a personal trip. I can tell you that my dh didn't comprehend until after he was born the desire NOT to leave our ds. He didn't even want to go to the grocery store for 5 mins alone! So, things may change with your dh's viewpoint after your baby is born. I too do not want to "give" or "not give" permission to my partner on what he wants to do, so I totally empathize with your position. Good luck on finding an option that works for both of you.

and

 

[natashaccat]

Can you tell us more about how and why? Like is it just for fun, a work thing, a family occasion?

I think I'd let dh go for a week (not two) as long as I was absolutely sure that a) he'd aranged for you to get the help that you need with baby and other kids and b) he's willing to gamble that the trip will be canceled no arguement if something unforseen happens at the end of your pg (that includes an overdue baby or a slow recovery on your part) and c) you aren't prone to PPD or feel that you will otherwise get really sad and bummed out w/o him there.

I guess though you really have to weigh how much this means to him vs how much it means for you to have him there. If this is something he's worked very hard for or is a dream of his lifetime it may be a better long term investment in your marrage to let him go but if you feel that it will cause a rift between you to do so, maybe it's worth holding your ground and not letting him go.

 

[moondiapers]

I think a compromise is in order. How about cutting the trip down to 1 week and going as a family? While 10 weeks is young, it's almost not newborn anymore either. You should have nursing firmly established by then etc.

-Heather

 

[sunbaby]

thanks everyone for your replys.

elli b, i think if he could swing a 2-3 day trip, that would be ok with me, not great, but ok. good idea. i'll ask him.

to those who ask if i could go: no. lots of reasons. you all must be better travelers than i am, but for me, there are several reasons its not an option- one, i dont do well travelling. i get terribly homesick and my health suffers. (we occasionally take well planned family trips within my comfort level, hoping that i may gradually overcome some of my difficulties) two, i beleive it is physically and spiritually harmful for such a young child to travel so far, so fast as a plane goes. and once we get there, i suspect it willl be overstimulation city, and i certainly wont be able to dictate to people when they must be quiet because the baby needs peace. i am big on keeping things respectfully peaceful for a baby, even if he is an easy schlepper. i remember getting very frustrated with people who were disrespectful of dd's need as an infant, i am guessing this time i wont feel differently. lastly, i seriously doubt the *all expenses paid* aspect would apply to all four of us. we cannot afford to pay our own way.

hello kitty, i see you are on the east coast. i failed to specify that i am in california. by looking at a globe that seems to make it about twice as far to itally. anyone know how long a ride that would be for dh?

dolfinluvr, wow, i am sorry. that does sound incredibly hard. what lousy timing.

crat19, nothin' but boobs and being cradled next to mamma for my babes either. definately the easiest way to travel. but i only 'travel' about as far as the grocery store. i hope you have a wonderful trip. how exciting. i think your idea to wait untill baby is born is good- who knows how our feelings might change between now and then- maybe i will be able to wave and smile and wish dh a wonderful time. i wonder if it is practical to wait so long to plan such a big journey? isnt flying a lot more expensive as we get closer to the departure date?

natashacat, it is for fun, maybe kind of qualifying as a family thing. the guy getting married was an exchange student in my in laws home while dh was in college. FIL and SIL will be attending the wedding. the guy didnt, however, make it to our wedding last year, if that makes any difference.
i wonder who i could get to help me while he was away? who would be avaliable and who i would trust and could afford. all my closest friends have young children of their own. good idea too, about reserving the right to cancel.
and yes, that is the ultimate question, who's got the stronger feelings one way or the other. i dont know. form my perspective, it doesnt seem THAT impotant for him to go- he got to live in itally for a month ten years ago. seems lucky enough to even have done that. but of course that's MY view, he may feel differently. i know so far, i feel i will have very hard time not being angry if he goes, partly because he wasnt around enough when dd was a baby and i have dreamed this baby will be different, since his work situation is different and he has been so wonderfully involved in dd and family stuff lately. i dont want to relive those feelings of isolation and abandonment i had during dd's infancy.

 

[mom2amelia]

Dh is going to be out of town for work when ds is 11 weeks old, with my blessing. Not that I won't miss him and rather he be around, but it is his one big show a year (he is an artist), and he skipped it last year, so it is really important for him to go. I also have a great support system. My parents live about a half mile away, and they can help some, and dh's parents are going to come for at least half of the time he is gone, so I'll have plenty of help. Luckily I don't start back to work until the following week.

Dh was gone for a long weekend when dd was about 2 months old. It wasn't too bad- though once again, I had my parents around for help.

I think the key things are what kid of a support system you have and how important it is to him. I would certainly try and limit the trip to a week. Yes, it is far to Italy, so he should enjoy his time there, but being gone for 2 weeks is just too long if he can help it.

Good luck making this decision!

 

[HelloKitty]

Your right being in California it would be a longer flight for him - I believe it's about 8 hours from California. Still totally do-able to make it a week or less trip though.

*hugs* Sorry you are having to deal with this, sucks that you can't go to but I understand, I probably wouldn't want to go so soon after the baby either - I have travelled with a newborn and yes it's easy and they don't mind but like you I get homesick and feel like I want the baby at home is his little cocoon for the first few months

 

[ramlita]

I told DH about your situation, and his response was, "He'd better be taking the older child along!"

How would that feel? It could be a wonderful bonding opportunity for him and DD.

 

[Selissa]

i would be upset..but it would also depend on how close dh was to that sib, and how long it had been since he had seen him.

 

[slightly crunchy]

I would be really really upset, regardless.

I would probably be ticked at DH for even considering it for a minute.

 

[sunbaby]

update:
dh says the absolute MINIMUM would be one week. no reason, other than that's how much he wants. pretty understandable i guess, if he's going to make the effort, he wants time to enjoy it.
i miscalculated;the babe's age will be closer to 8 weeks old, making it even less likely i would even consider going.
i have been having a very hard time being reasonable about this. i was struggling not to take out my anger on dh, although i'm feeling way better since he agreed we cant really make any plans for certain until after the baby is born.

slightly crunchy, glad i'm not the only one.
selissa, dh is close to his sister, but she's not the one getting married, and we see her every 3 or4 weeks.
ramlah, this is what dh wants to do, what he says is the biggest dream. of course, if he takes her, he wants to be gone closer to two weeks. for practical reasons, it would make it easier on me. for emotional reasons, it will be harder. i am all for him spending time, even weekends alone with dd, but she is four years old and i just feel 2wks is too long and itally is too far to be away from mama. if she was seven, say, i think she'd get alot out of it. but at four, her own backyard is a huge enough adventure.

gosh, i want him to get to return to itally, i just know we have our whole lives ahead of us, i want to wait till the timing is better. i am shocked at myself, how rigid i feel on this issue.

 

[ramlita]

If that's how you're feeling, well, that should be the bottom line!

I think it's nearly impossible for people who haven't been pregnant to understand how it feels: the need for home, safety, family togetherness... and a partner who truly listens and takes your feelings seriously enough to make some efforts and sacrifices for you.

If you don't want him to go, I hope he will hear that and you can plan a trip for all of you to go together- Later.

Good luck.

 

[LoveChild421]

I would be royally pissed off! It sucks that he would WANT to go at such a time- I totally agree with you- it is like he is not acknowledging the sacredness of the new baby or the fact that you are going to still be tired and it's not fair for you to have to go it alone when he doesn't HAVE to go (it's not like he's in the army or would lose his job or something).

I would have a serious heart to heart and tell him how slighted you feel. Try to not sound angry- just hurt because I can tell that is what the main issue is- you are hurt at his inconsideration. Maybe write him a letter if you don't think you could talk it out without yelling (I know I couldn't) telling him how much you need him and how much him being there means to you.

I personally think he is being a total ass and I hope you or someone is able to make him realize it.

 

[thismama]

I say no way, no way, no way!

You have no way to know if your babe will be colicky, or how you will be feeling emotionally. Having a babe is such a life changing event, there is no way to foresee how you will feel about him going once the babe is here.

If it were me, I would clarify with my baby's daddy that what he is in fact asking is FOR ME TO DO HIS SHARE of the childcare with an 8 week old, and were the tables turned, I would not ask the same thing of him. Nobody skips out for 2 weeks (or 1 week, or any longer than the other parent is comfortable) with a newborn.

I read some suggestions that you go? I dunno how you feel about this (sounds like not so good). Just wanna say that I went to England with a 12 week old and the experience was great - she was easy on the plane, just nursed, carried her in a sling, so not lots of luggage. It was great to travel and a really easy age to take her. But if you're not comfortable, I don't think you should push yourself. You will already be pushed enough with childbirth, nursing, and adjusting to your new family member. It's all about supporting the mama as she takes care of the babe!

I hear that you are taking this personally, feeling betrayed, and I personally think there is a thematic thing with men where they JUST DON'T GET IT. Even the ones you'd think would. They DON'T. My baby's daddy was a complete flop in the beginning and I felt very personally betrayed. But it seems like a gender socialization thing or something, very common. You just HAFTA EXPLAIN IT REAL LOUD in my opinion! :LOL

Hope this is helpful, or at least validating. Hope you two figure it out, and that you feel good about the outcome.

 

[Tanibani]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveChild421 I personally think he is being a total ass and I hope you or someone is able to make him realize it.

Sorry! But that is JMHO.

He is being selfish and inconsiderate. You and 2 other people's needs need to be considered.

Yeah, I want to go to Italy too (never been, huge dream of mine!) but I wouldn't do it if DH just had a baby, leaving my whole family behind.

My DH did leave me alone for the weekend when my daughter was 1 month old. I was totally fine with it (special circumstances, not a business trip). I could handle a weekend by myself. It was a teensy bit difficult, but we made it just fine. I didn't bother my mommy friends (though I could have) and they would have helped.

However, if you cannot, then he still needs to honor you and your wishes. Love, Honor, and Obey. Whenever I disagree with DH, he jokes about that and says it in a funny, parrot voice. You are not being a witch here. Postpartum is a very special time.

If he still wants to go, you must DEMAND that someone (if a family member can't fly in for a week to stay helping you) stay to help you. You'll probably need to hire somebody. Start calling up postpartum doulas to get fees.

I had a 2nd baby 6 months ago. The first 3-4 months, I was totally getting used to the new baby/schedule, etc... and there was no way in heck I was putting my older one to sleep by myself (with baby). I can do it now, but the first 4 months, it was DH (or the sitter 2 nights a week). Leaving you alone for * a week * is out of the question. If he really wants to go, it's his responsibility to leave you with help. At the minimum, he should take your oldest.

My 2nd had a "witching hour" for the first 3 months. I didn't experience that the first time. So I was dealing with a crying baby from 5-10pm.

Sorry for rambling. I want to write more... will do so later.