Question for the 'formerly-infertile' out there!

swimmingbean · Dec 2, 2010

I've got kind of a weird question for any of you have dealt with infertility in your past and now find yourself either pregnant or have had children already.
 
Background: We tried to get pregnant for 3.5 years after having a miscarriage after TTC for 6 months. It was the most excruciating time of my life and I think I was running my poor husband ragged. We tried pretty much every 'natural' method possible: acupuncture, chiro, charting, timing, etc, and then finally turned to the fertility clinic. Medication didn't work on it's own and we were still squeemish about the big-guns of IUI and IVF so we took a break for a year. The week before we were due back at the fertility clinic to try again with their methods, we found out we were pregnant!!!! It's been a good pregnancy so far and I'm due in March. I'm thrilled for this baby and am really excited to be a mum!
 
Here's the questions: how long did it take to hit that you were actually pregnant? Were you in denial? Do you still or did you feel infertile even after that BFP or birth? Was it hard to relate to other pregnant people around you if they hadn't experienced infertility? 
 
Any advice you can give would be great! I'm having a really tough time 'getting into' this pregnancy and I'm just wondering if this feeling is normal (whatever that is!) for anyone who's dealt with infertility before. I haven't prepared anything so far and just can't seem to do the nursery no matter how hard I try! The few people in my life who have also experience infertility don't really say much about how it affected them once they actually got pregnant and/or had a child. Those who haven't experienced it just have no clue where I'm coming from.
 
Thanks everyone!

Liora · Dec 2, 2010

Congrats on your pregnancy! A little background on me: Infertile for 9 years trying everything under the sun natural and then IUIs. We were going to move on to donor sperm when we got a grant to do IVF and got pregnant with my daughter. 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by swimmingbean <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282997/question-for-the-formerly-infertile-out-there#post_16086898"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
Here's the questions: how long did it take to hit that you were actually pregnant? Were you in denial? Do you still or did you feel infertile even after that BFP or birth? Was it hard to relate to other pregnant people around you if they hadn't experienced infertility? 
</div>
</div>
 
YES and YES to the bolded sentences. I have always and will always feel *different* and infertile. Having a baby finally doesn't erase the years of pain. Once you survive cancer you are always a survivor but we are supposed to feel "fertile" suddenly? There is nothing fertile about me or my DH. We are infertile. Period. Lucky, blessed, but infertile. I felt very in limbo for a while. All my infertility friends who had not gotten pregnant didn't want to hear me talk about my pregnancy (understandably) and I just couldn't connect with the "fertiles" who were pregnant.
 
I had a hard time relating to other pregnant women. I was worried I'd never fit in with other mothers. I'm happy to say though that even though I couldn't relate to other pregnant women I did relate well to other mothers. I did frequent a PAI (pregnant/parenting after infertility) message board which was great when I felt different but eventually all the daily wonder of being a parent gave me a lot in common with other mothers and now I feel like part of the club! So, I'm hopeful for you that it will get better after your baby comes.
 
Regarding the pregnancy feeling real. My guess is that is because it was a surprise pregnancy. I felt it was real from the beginning but with daily shots, dildo-cam visits, etc. it was hard not to. One thing that helped me bond with my baby was daily meditation. I do guided meditation CDs and they just help me focus on my baby(ies). I would recommend Belleruth Naperstak's CDs, and Jennifer Bloome at Anji Online (<a href="http://www.anjionline.com/pages/PregnancyMeditationCDs.html" target="_blank">http://www.anjionline.com/pages/PregnancyMeditationCDs.html</a>). She specializes in infertility so her CDs for pregnancy keep that in mind.

JFTB1177 · Dec 2, 2010

Hey sweetie, congrats on your pregnancy!!!

My situation is a bit different, I never had a hard time getting PG but I had 4 miscarriages. Because of these losses I have a hard time getting into a pregnancy and embracing it, because I am always expecting the rug to be pulled out from under me. I think I distance myself every time, even now I am 33 weeks with my third (fingers crossed!) baby and I cannot muster much excitement or go crazy buying stuff, I always think "What if something bad happens and I have to return all this stuff?", etc. Horrible I know, but I guess it's just my own defense mechanism. I don't tell anyone I'm PG until I'm in the 2nd tri, and even then I don't talk much about the PG to people IRL. I see others on Facebook who are PG and making 100 comments a day about their baby and pregnancy and I barely ever mention mine, I just can't... it's like some invisible force won't let me.
 
So, I know our situations are different, but just wanted to let you know you are totally normal!

Buddhamom · Dec 2, 2010

We have a 21 and 19 yr. old bio daughters and a 5.5 yr. old adopted daughter. DH decided to have his vasectomy reversed when daughter #2 was 11. We were diagnosed with secondary infertility 8 years ago after DH had his vasectomy reversed and had no success with getting preg, even with infertility treatments. So 5.5 years ago we adopted our daughter at 3 days old. We just went on with our lives as usual and were fine with that. Low and behold, I missed my period and totally freak out to see a positive line back in Sept. and here I am 40, pregnant after 8 years of unprotected sex. I am still in shock even after 4 ultrasounds and hearing the HB all the time and sometimes wake up and have to ask DH if it is true. he does the same. We laugh every time we think about it. And yes, I feel very fertile just like we were together before the vasectomy. That was the big reason he got it in the first place. Needless to say we have already planned his second vasectomy after babe is born and thriving. My midwife called this our "gift baby" and I truly feel that way. I am also very scared to lose it because it took so long to conceive even if we weren't trying and also the fact I am 40 so I would not try again. Congrats! Try to enjoy, you are almost there!

anne1140 · Dec 2, 2010

We tried for about 3 years before getting pregnant. What finally worked for us was IUI, which I am so thankful for, because it doesn't work for a lot of people, and it was our first try at that. 
 
How long did it take to hit that you were actually pregnant? 
I'm still a little in disbelief. Like, I was so excited right away, but DH and I both still have moments where we are like, "I can't believe we are actually having a baby!" 
 
Do you still or did you feel infertile even after that BFP?
YES! I still feel like it's my identity. I am STILL jealous of pregnant women I see, and I have no idea why, except that infertility was a part of me for so long, and really still is. I guess I also assume that these women got pregnant really easily and didn't have to go through anything of what I went through. Some people just seem to get over it really quickly once they become pregnant. I don't think I ever will. It's like having scars, I suppose. 
 
Was it hard to relate to other pregnant people around you if they hadn't experienced infertility?
Not exactly. We can relate by sharing things about our pregnancy, as we all have those things in common, but I do always have in the back of my mind that most of these women probably don't worry nearly as much as I do, because they've never had a problem becoming or staying pregnant. They just sail through pregnancy blissfully. I, on the other hand, am terrified of losing this baby. I'm trying to work through it, but oh my gosh, I didn't know it would be this hard. And I've never even lost a baby. It's just been a long three years, and the thought is unbearable to think about. 
 
On the other hand, I find that I kind of have a hard time relating to others still dealing with infertility. Well, relating isn't the right word, but ashamed, almost. I know how hard it is to be around and talk to others who are pregnant when you're dealing with that, and even though I personally did not have as many jealous feelings with those who I knew had struggled like me, I know some do. So it makes it hard for me to go back to the infertility forum or act like I'm still in their shoes. Because I am not. And I want to respect that. It is hard, though, because I almost feel like I am in limbo. Like I don't belong on either side. 
 
Hope that answers some of your questions, and congrats on your pregnancy!

bella99 · Dec 3, 2010

I got pregnant with my daughter with using injectables and timed intercourse. I NEVER ovulated on my own and never got a period. Throughout that pregnancy, I definitely considered myself infertile, regardless of the baby in my belly.
 
But then, I got a period at 6,7,and 8 months post-partum. It disappeared for another 4-5 months, and then I got my period at 13 months, 15 months, and then almost 18 months post partum. I WAS ovulating on my own (I was charting/temping) AND getting my period, but my cycles were so ridiculously long, that pregnancy seemed like a long shot. So I bought some soy isoflavones, and got pregnant the first cycle with them. I now consider myself subfertile.

gemasita · Dec 3, 2010

how long did it take to hit that you were actually pregnant? Hmm. It kind of hit me right away because I had waiting for that "good" phonecall for SO long after getting so many "bad" ones but in another way, it seemed unbelievable that it actually happened.
 
Were you in denial? Yes, a little. Luckily, I didn't have a terrible sense that the pregnancy wasn't going to last but I do kind of have this sense of, "I'll believe it when the baby is actually in my arms" that I've heard a lot of people talk about.
 
Do you still or did you feel infertile even after that BFP or birth? I don't think about the infertility as much as I thought I would but I think a big part of that is that I've been nauseous and throwing up the entire pregnancy so my brain is a little preoccupied with all of that. But when I really sit and think about it, that's when I realize just how long we struggled.
 
Was it hard to relate to other pregnant people around you if they hadn't experienced infertility? I do feel like I don't relate to people who got pregnant easily. I relate to them with pregnancy woes and all of that but I feel like I will always feel a bit differently about my pregnancy since it was so hard to come by. I still feel very sensitive towards people struggling with infertility - I won't ever forget how it feels to have everyone around you talking about their pregnancies. I don't talk about mine all that much because I'm always afraid there will be an infertile person around and I will hurt their feelings.

lifeguard · Dec 3, 2010

It took us 6 years to conceive ds.
 
Every. single. day. of the pregnancy dh & I would look at each other at some point & say with wonder "We're pregnant!" It NEVER felt totally real - even with all the extra monitoring I had at the end because of gestational diabetes. I did prepare for ds - made diapers & toys, ordered furniture but it always kind of felt like I was doing what was expected not what I felt.
 
Ds is now 2 & I still don't feel comfortable around other pregnant women. We are ttc#2 now & most definitely feel as infertile as ever. In fact it almost seems more miraculous than ever that ds is even here. I don't think the scars of infertility will ever go away for me. They have affected every aspect of my life - I'm truly a different person & most definitely a different mother than I would have been without the infertility.
 
After ds was born dh & I often just sat & looked at him in wonder - amazed he was actually here. He's 2 now & I still quite frequently am amazed at his existence.

swimmingbean · Dec 5, 2010

Thanks for the information ladies! It's nice to know I'm not the only one in this boat. Thanks also for being so honest in your answers. It's kinda hard getting information out of people sometimes when dealing with infertility.

happysmileylady · Dec 5, 2010

I got pg at 17 while using protection. So when I met DH and we got married and began ttc, I never expected any problems.
 
We dealt with 6 years of secondary IF. It was only with an IVF that we were able to conceive DD2. With that pregnancy, I actually had little problem believing I was pg, having seen every single point in the pg, down to having a picture of a 3 day old embie that we insist was her first pic, even though we know there's no way of knowing if that particular embie was the one of the three transferred that took. I started testing a week early to be sure the trigger was out of my system, but I never got a negative test. So when the beta came back positive, I already knew it was. Really, I fetl really positive about the IVF from the beginning so it was exciting. 
 
But did I still feel infertile afterwards, yeah. I knew that a pg was not a sign of "normal" fertility. DH and I knew we wanted more and our insurance wasn't going to pay for antoehr IVF and we didn't know if we were going to be able to pay for another IVF out of pocket and that really contributed to the PPD I experienced. I went on meds for the PPD, which had the strange side effect (well strange it that it's something I wouldn't expect from an AD) of screwing up my cycles, which were usually spot on. After dealing with other side effects as well, I weaned off of them in December of last year. By January I still hadn't had a period, so on the 17 of January, I took a pg test. 
 
And it was positive. I started shaking, I woke DH up, I could barely speak. I took another immediately, which was also positive. And another the next moring which was also positive. I asked my doc for a beta, they don't usually do them but I needed the confirmation. And of course that was positive, DH and I were really and truely pg totally on our own.
 
DD3 is currently sitting in my lap nursing, and it's only been in the last month or so that it's felt really. I even felt really awful most of the pg, but instead of making me feel that the pg was real, it actually made it less real. It wasn't denial exactly, it just felt more like some chronic disease rather than a pg. Of my three pregnancies, I felt the worst with her. 
 
Do I still feel infertile? I dunno. It does make me wonder if the issues we had were more of a "fluke" than IF, because in addition to having gotten pg while using protection and then also having a surprise pg, our IF was unexplained. When we did the IVF, they told us that DH had antisperm antibodies, but they never wrote that diagnosis in our papers. So, I dunno. DH and I thought we were done with #3, but once we got her home, we decided against anything permanent. We may try again, and just see what happens.

kittywitty · Dec 5, 2010

My situation is a little different. I had a fibroid and then radical myomectomy. I was told I would not be able to have kids. Well, I proved them wrong obviously. I still grieve that dh is getting a vasectomy because to me it feels a little unthankful for the miracle. But it's not really my decision even though I know it's for the best. Having him get the surgery makes me feel like I'm going through the whole situation again being told I'd not have children.

dakotablue · Dec 5, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by swimmingbean <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282997/question-for-the-formerly-infertile-out-there#post_16086898"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
Here's the questions: how long did it take to hit that you were actually pregnant? Were you in denial? Do you still or did you feel infertile even after that BFP or birth? Was it hard to relate to other pregnant people around you if they hadn't experienced infertility? 
</div>
</div>
 Well...We had DS after two years of actively trying (and a few years prior of not carefully avoiding). It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Charting every month failing. We tried three rounds of clomid, then took a year break. We then as a last stitch effort went back to RE did clomid, and HCG shot. It felt real from the very beginning because we had weekly ultrasounds for the first 10 weeks.
 
Fast forward to this pregnancy, Completely out of the blue surprise. Dh went out and bought three more tests (I only took two, three total) to be sure (Although I believed the first test.) I had to have a dating ultrasound as I had not had a period since the one in which we conceived DS. Sometimes even now with the belly and feeling movement..it doesn't seem real or possible. I don't think I have been in denial, but disbelief of the blessing.
 
I still feel like I am IF, and honestly if I never have trouble getting pregnant again I will still carry IF with me.
 
This pregnancy has been harder than DS in terms of relating. With DS I had other people who had been through IF who had become pregnant and could be happy, but having a 'Oops' makes me almost...no longer belonging any group. I 'can't' be IF if I didn't try. I'm also not so go lucky as others who planned or oops and things just worked. Sometimes I feel like this pregnancy is almost a betrayal to those IF women who haven't had success with treatments. I had success with treatment and now without anything.
 
To make this more real...My ultrasound photo is on my phone. I am so grateful and so blessed to be pregnant again. In someways even more in awe of God's glory in this pregnancy than with DS in that life just happened. That I think was the hardest thing to get my head around, after all our struggle and effort, 'life just happened.' I am married, I make love with my husband and life just happened.
 
Don't know if this helps at all, but that's where I am...
 
I can say though if we have trouble conceiving again, it will hurt, not as bad at the first time, but it will still be IF.

dakotablue · Dec 5, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by kittywitty <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282997/question-for-the-formerly-infertile-out-there#post_16094328"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
My situation is a little different. I had a fibroid and then radical myomectomy. I was told I would not be able to have kids. Well, I proved them wrong obviously. I still grieve that dh is getting a vasectomy because to me it feels a little unthankful for the miracle. But it's not really my decision even though I know it's for the best. Having him get the surgery makes me feel like I'm going through the whole situation again being told I'd not have children.</div>
</div>
 Kittywitty,
<img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif">
I gotta say part of me is struggling with the idea of becoming completely quiverful (never avoiding again) just because I feel exactly that way. I don't see right now how I could possibly block life when life was such a miracle. I at least have Dh on board for at least three more kids...Maybe I will eventually feel different, but I feel that ache even thinking about the 'never' all over again.

allisonrose · Dec 5, 2010

My first son took us nearly 2.5 years to conceive. We fell into the unexplained category and became pregnant through injectible meds and IUI.
 
Quote:
<div class="quote-container">
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by swimmingbean <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282997/question-for-the-formerly-infertile-out-there#post_16086898"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a> 
Here's the questions: how long did it take to hit that you were actually pregnant? Were you in denial? Do you still or did you feel infertile even after that BFP or birth? Was it hard to relate to other pregnant people around you if they hadn't experienced infertility? 
</div>
</div>
 
It did take a while for the pregnancy to feel "real". I wouldn't say I was in denial, just in a self-protective state. Although I haven't had a miscarriage, I was aware that they were quite common from hanging around infertility boards. It was tricky being attached while worrying the pregnancy would end. Throughout the entire pregnancy I wondered if we would really bring home a baby at the end of things. I barely slept the first night after he was born because I was wondered he'd stop breathing. And on his first birthday, I looked down at him napping in wonder and breathed a sigh of relief because we were out of the danger zone for SIDs. So yeah, I'd say I carried over some of the emotions of being infertile into being a mom.
 
While pregnant, I didn't really socialize with other pregnant ladies. Mainly because I worried the pregnancy could end at any time and then it would be too painful to be around someone pregnant. Once my son was born, I was more able to relate to other moms. I lived in a "crunchy" area at the time so I was lucky enough to be around moms who had similar parenting ideals/style.
 
I'm now pregnant with my second child. This one was conceived naturally and somewhat quickly (three months). I still worried I would miscarry in the beginning. This time my reasoning for the worry was that the pregnancy was achieved so easily that perhaps something else would go wrong! In fact, just this morning, I walked past a mirror and marveled at how six months ago I had no idea if this pregnancy would go this far. So even though I didn't have trouble conceiving this time around, my mindset is still very similar to how I felt being pregnant after the struggle with infertility.

Liora · Dec 6, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by swimmingbean <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282997/question-for-the-formerly-infertile-out-there#post_16094215"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Thanks for the information ladies! It's nice to know I'm not the only one in this boat. Thanks also for being so honest in your answers. It's kinda hard getting information out of people sometimes when dealing with infertility. 
</div>
</div>
 I agree that infertility can be a lonely illness! I think it is so important to talk about it openly.

Question for the 'formerly-infertile' out there!

swimmingbean

Registered

Liora

Registered

JFTB1177

Registered

Buddhamom

Registered

anne1140

Registered

bella99

Registered

gemasita

Registered

lifeguard

Registered

swimmingbean

Registered

happysmileylady

Registered

kittywitty

Premium Member

dakotablue

Registered

dakotablue

Registered

allisonrose

Registered

Liora

Registered